Updated April 1
I can't explain it, but this week, people understood me. People got me. Week after month after year, readers have decided that I'm mean or petty or simply an idiot, but not this week. This week Hate Mail will suffer -- but I will not, because this is the week that readers decided I'm one of the good guys.
Did my charisma finally win you over? Did my intelligence make itself undeniably known? I don't know. I can't explain it.
Oh, wait. Yes I can.
Check the date on this story. It's right below my picture.
From: Andrew Schrepf
Hey Gregg, you are an extraordinarily bad writer. You have innate gravity, no doubt, but so do rocks and feces.
Hahahaha. I like that.
From: Zach Porter
You sounded like a crying 5-year-old in your article about Syracuse. Nice job.
Apparently you don't know much about Isaac Newton or the apple. That first dude read my story and immediately grasped my innate gravity.
Are you there Gregg? It's me, Margaret. I've been having some trouble lately. Every time I read your writing, my body goes through some scary changes. Green chunky goo spews from my mouth, brown runny liquid from my (other orifice) and my eyes start to bleed. After I read your last column, I had the strong urge to stick my head into an electric blender. I've also lost all enjoyment of college basketball and life in general. My parents say this is just a phase but I'm not so sure. I need help!
Hmm. I just think you don't get me. Read up on this and then give me another try.
From: Tom Beck
Pathetic story Gregg! I go to CBSSports.com to read about Butler's amazing, well-played victory to send them to the Final Four -- and I have to read your crappy list of excuses for Kansas State. Butler deserves better than to have your crappy story as the lead story pertaining to their great game.
Aww, you poor guy. You went looking for a cheerleader piece, and you stumbled across ME? That's like going out for a Sunday drive and coming upon this.
You are an idiot. Period!
Technically, that's an exclamation mark.
Gregg? I really hope Arinze Onuaku does not read this. The poor kid feels bad enough for not being able to play. This is a borderline personal attack on him. Shame on you.
An attack on Onuaku? It was glowing about Onuaku. I didn't question his injury -- I just noted that he would have helped. Good grief. Anyway, it was an attack on Jim Boeheim ...
Worst columnist at CBS. I can't believe they actually pay you.
I'm thinking you'd be more upset if you knew how much.
I just wanted to comment on your Meet Northern Iowa column. I don't see the comparison between the Love of the LORD JESUS and the believers in HIM and their rebirth ... to a basketball game. Idiot.
Three thoughts. 1. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone. 2. Take that plank out of your eye. 3. Please write me every week.
From: Pat Iannotti
Saying you are a national columnist is an insult to national columnists.
When in doubt, make fun of my title.
From: Jen Eckler
I tried reading your post about Syracuse but was unable because of the hideous glare coming off your forehead. Seriously, have you thought about choosing another picture? You can't possibly be that fugly.
Or my looks. Never had anyone comment on my looks before.
Why do you have 2 g's at the end of your first name? Is your name pronounced Greg-guh?
Ouch. My name is fresh territory, too.
Someone actually pays you for this? And your title is national columnist? LOL. Nice pic, by the way. Oh, and I think you spelled your last name wrong. And your first name, too.
You made fun of my title, looks and name, all at once? Congratulations, Chris -- that's the dumbass trifecta.
From: Chicken Soup for Doyel's Soul
All this hate must wear on you, right? When you lay awake in bed at night you must feel a little dejected or unappreciated. I'm sure there have been some tears, maybe much like those released by the Kansas players after their tough loss. I just want to say it's OK. You are a good man even if you are misunderstood. Let's be honest -- you do provoke your critics intentionally to create a buzz. Maybe if you open your heart a little, you can let some love in and warm your soul.
I could try that. Or you could send me your picture and I could use it as a dartboard.
From: The MysterE
You must have been a heck of an athlete in high school (1987, '88). Your insight is unbelievable. You're probably the best sportswriter in the nation, let alone at CBSSports.com. I just wish other writers had just a little bit of your expertise!
If that was sarcasm, it went right over my head.
I noticed you correctly called Ohio's win over Georgetown in your bracket. What did you see going into that game that the rest of the world didn't? Or was it a pure guess?
I noticed Ohio's defense was tailor-made for the Georgetown offense
From: Patrick Heber
It's pretty obvious and sad that you often write to provoke rather than to write anything actually worth reading. Why I stopped clicking your columns years ago.
Then how did you know to write me this week? Obviously you "clicked my column" again. I think it's cute that you can't stay away -- but don't make me get a restraining order.
You have some emotional issues. I hate the 'Cuse as much as or more than the next guy, but you seem to have serious issues.
You have no idea. I almost got arrested at last year's July 4 fireworks show because I didn't want to park where the traffic cop was telling me to go. Cop called for a backup, at which point I backed down and parked exactly where I was told to park. I'm a hothead, but I ain't stupid.
You are such a jerk. Where do I sign up to be your protégé?
Sorry. That job's been filled.
I came across your old Hate Mail videos on YouTube. Talk about disturbing! One of them had you stripping an article of clothing for each letter you read until you were only wearing an undershirt. Thankfully you stopped there. I had a gun to my head and my finger ready to pull the trigger if you had gone any further.
That "gun" in your hand as you watched me undress ... please tell me that's not a euphemism.
From: Don Thompson
With all this attention on the Butler Bulldogs, wouldn't it be nice if Butler's administration would finally honor its most famous football player -- Garo Yepremian, who played one game and then was signed by the Detroit Lions. The administration refuses to give him an honorary degree even though other Butler groups support him.
I don't blame the administration. Garo throws like a, um, well. He throws poorly.
You're just a dark guy from a den of iniquity. A dark shadowy figure from the bowels of iniquity.
Your first sentence creeped me out. But then you basically wrote it again, and that's just stupid.