National Columnist

Hate Mail: Give me an Oscar? Oh, and hold the Mormonism


I wrote about BYU this week, and you know what happened? I got proselytized by a Mormon! I feel so violated.

But before we get to the guy in the funny hat, let's address the most hateful piece of Hate Mail anyone has ever received. Makes me so mad, I'm shaking.

From: Blue

If CBS Sports was Sesame Street, you would definitely be Oscar the Grouch. Although sometimes you remind me of Elmo cause you can be so darn adorable! Dennis Dodd would be Bert by the way.

Oscar eats garbage. Garbage, dude. Garbage.

From: Harris

I want to salute you for your story on blacks in baseball. I've never seen --

Never mind about that. Oscar the Grouch? I would be Oscar the Freaking Grouch? I scanned the roster of Sesame Street characters, and this is more like me. And this follically challenged fellow is Danny Knobler. Right here we got Clark Judge. Ever seen Gary Parrish's hair? Here you go. And this little delicate creature is Freeman. There. I feel better. Bring on the proselytizer.

From: Mick Bloom

You seem to be genuinely impressed and, at the same time, incredulous with the BYU Honor Code. If that is true, you and your family should try investigating the LDS Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Do an investigative article on the faith from a sports perspective. What you find will amaze you. You will never be the same and you will never regret it. I guarantee it! Try it -- you'll love it!

Had you delivered this message in person, I would have shut the door in your face.

From: Rob Gastinger

So you're saying Jim McMahon never did it in college. Right.

That's exactly what I'm saying, and good for you for reading those 1,000 words and figuring it out. Next, try reading my column backwards -- I urge kids to smoke marijuana!

From: Lisa

Great write-up, Gregg! Only one small flaw: Herbal tea isn't prohibited -- green tea is.

Hundreds of e-mails came in after that BYU column. Half of them let me know that herbal tea is OK. To which I say: I had NO idea there was a difference between herbal tea and the other kind. No idea at all. But I don't drink herbal tea. Only guys like this next knucklehead drink herbal tea.

From: David V.

You might try looking into the UTEP basketball history to understand why Tim Floyd is back at UTEP and back in El Paso. I'm not aware of any of the other violations that make Floyd one of the biggest cheaters in college basketball. Please enlighten you readers. As for Bob Stull, I expect you have met the man and have made no mistakes in your illustrious football or basketball coaching career.

Cheers, DV

Possibly the most delusional e-mail I've ever received. And only a douchebag signs a note like this, "Cheers."

From: Joel

Good article on BYU. Herbal tea is OK though -- just not black tea.

Black tea? I thought it was green tea.

From: Jack

Just FYI, BYU doesn't ban herbal tea, but it does ban Earl Grey.

Way too many rules about the damn tea.

From: Kent

Thanks for your article about Harvey Unga, but I was surprised that you think premarital sex is OK. It's one of the Ten Commandments. I suppose you support the commandment to not murder. Why then not support the "Thou shalt not commit adultery" commandment? Unless I've missed something, I don't think God has withdrawn either the murder or the adultery commandment.

You assume I think the Ten Commandments actually came from God. Big assumption, Kent. Big freaking assumption.

From: Nixon

What keeps you from falling apart?

Used to be, I popped fish oil tablets like aspirin. Now I just use duct tape.

From: Mark D.

Read your story on Tim Floyd. Sounds like you have the little-man syndrome -- and you are right about being a jerk.

Lookie here ... it's the big home-builder from El Paso (looked you up, Mark). You're a 1970 graduate of UTEP. So are you building a home for Tim Floyd? Put in a few extra showers -- that guy's oily.

From: John Crenshaw

What a joke of an opinion! In today's society, athletes are completely above the law. Good for Goodell for understanding this and taking appropriate action against repeat offenders like Ben Roethlisberger. Someone needs to. People like you are simply enablers.

Repeat offender? Roethlisberger? I have no idea what happened on the night in question in Georgia -- neither do you -- but that woman in Nevada was the biggest gold-digger since Kevin Federline.

From: Tim Landis

Ben has a ton of friends and money, so he could either make up a false story to clear him -- or he could pay off witnesses. Does that make him innocent? What about a case like Kobe Bryant? They can still be guilty as sin and deserve suspensions, can't they?

Hey, Kreskin, when you're done deciphering the guilt of Kobe and Roethlisberger, shoot me next week's Lotto numbers, huh?

From: Mark

I wonder what exactly does it take to become an expert. I am a professional draft tracker but I am just waiting to be picked up nationally as a columnist.

A professional draft tracker? Is that like a professional tornado tracker? I picture you riding around Kansas in a pickup truck, waiting for a funnel-shaped NFL Draft to drop down from the sky. And I picture Mel Kiper wreaking havoc all over that trailer park.

From: Brian

Re: Rick Reilly ... I used to enjoy reading him, and I thought he was very talented too. But now his talent would be best served if they started broadcasting sports on Lifetime. He's softer than 20-minute pasta! See what I did there? I insulted Reilly using his favorite writing technique!

You did -- but you have much straighter teeth than Reilly, and your voice doesn't sound like it has been twisted through 17 miles of PVC pipe.

From: PT Barnum is Dead

Your thoughts are uglier than your face.

Don't you have some pre-calculus homework to do?

From: THE Brian, Pittsburgh

Dear Old Grey Egg,

BYU uses words like honor, code, loyalty. They use those words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punch line.

Any and all references to A Few Good Men are welcome here. So are references to the anagram of my name, but as I've said, I prefer Legged Orgy. As for you, your name is an anagram for "Tithing bather burps."

From: Brian Johnson

Just read my first story by you and love it -- won't be my last. Keep your (testicles). I love writers like you.

That was your first story? That one? Where the hell have you been? Anyway, I do plan to keep my (testicles) because I, um, love my (testicles).

Gregg Doyel is a columnist for He covered the ACC for the Charlotte Observer, the Marlins for the Miami Herald, and Brooksville (Fla.) Hernando for the Tampa Tribune. More importantly, he is 4-0 as an amateur boxer, with three knockouts. Follow Gregg Doyel on Twitter.

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