Updated May 27
The Big Ten is screwing around with Rutgers, Nebraska and Missouri, so I made fun of the Big Ten. Guess who got mad at me for that? Fans of Rutgers, Nebraska and Missouri.
I tell you, Hate Mail is downright predictable.
Except for the question I get about Monopoly. I didn't see that one coming. But my answer to that question? Yeah, anyone who reads me regularly could see my answer coming.
When you play Monopoly with all your friends, what piece do you choose? I think a lot of your personality can be revealed according to this decision.
I always went for the shoe. But in my game box, it was an unusually big shoe. In case you think my, um, piece reveals a lot about anything else.
"Roger Angell is good at what he does"? Roger Angell personifies sports passion; the difference is that he's a terrific writer and you're a terrible one. And don't worry, no one will EVER ask you to write an essay, I assure you, so you can re-cramp your fist over your incompetent keyboard.
Hahahaha that's terrific! Re-cramp my first over my incompetent keyboard! Hahahaha ... wait a minute. "Keyboard" isn't a euphemism for my Monopoly piece, right?
From: Bryan Cole
I guess you are underestimating the big dollars here in New Jersey in this story on Big Ten expansion. The Big Ten knows what Rutgers brings, and that's why they're adding them. You guys who live outside of the Northeast just don't get it. We carry all your sorry asses.
I don't like visiting Jersey. Not even on my company's dime. Free airfare, free hotel, free food to cover a game at the Meadowlands? No thanks. Been there, smelled that.
From: Husker Vikes
The Moron speaks again. First of all I wouldn't exactly call Notre Dame a bigger "get" than Nebraska. As for Texas, I can go back in the 1980s and '90s when its programs weren't anything with the exception of baseball. So Nebraska had to weather the Solich-Callahan years and all of a sudden it isn't a national power?
Your myopia is depressing. Landing Texas, with its all-sports tradition and that state's enormous population, would be the biggest coup in NCAA expansion history. Landing Nebraska would be landing ... Nebraska. Nothing more. Nothing less. Thanks for the corn, though. Love a good cob of corn.
From: Spiro Agnew
Go write liberal puke columns -- something CBS and you actually know something about. Your profound ignorance of Nebraska's tradition, Missouri's emergence as a regular bowl team, and TV markets is astounding. Go back to writing about earrings and tattoos, you dork.
When Delta flies over your state, it empties the lavatory. That wasn't "a light rain" you felt last week. Just so you know.
From: Keith E.
Great read on Dwight Howard. It's refreshing to see honest writing, without the negativity that many writers revert to.
"Without the negativity ..." Excuse me? I compared Howard to that idiot Stephen Jackson. I said Howard needed to pull his head, how do I put this, "out of his ass." Maybe I need to express more negativity in my negativity.
I'm sick of reading you. Your articles are so negative.
Give me another chance! Read the, um, Dwight Howard article.
From: Tim Eskew
Everything you wrote on Dwight Howard is EXACTLY what I thought the other day. I even went as far, a couple of days ago, as checking the stats for league leaders in technical fouls! Just like you did! It's eerie that every single thing you put in this article has been on my mind all week.
That is eerie, Tim, and now for the bad news: I put my mind-meld onto your ATM's pin number, and my frontal lobe cracked the code this morning. Thanks for the $180. Wish you had more.
Once again, you have no clue what you're talking about. Paul Pierce has one or two good games and all of a sudden he's the best again? NOT!!! Rajon Rondo is the way to the championship. Pierce can take a seat on the bench with his early fouls.
You argue like a girl.
Dude, smarten up. Rondo is the man. He is a point guard's GOLD standard.
Silly me. I prefer a point guard who can shoot outside of 3 feet. If Rondo is the gold standard, I'm switching to silver. Just heard a commercial that says the value of silver has never dropped to zero. That's impressive.
From: THE Texas Roadkiller
Great, just freaking great. Now you've got Michael Jordan writing every week to Hate Mail -- and calling you "Legged Orgy" after all your whining about my anagram of your name (Old Grey Egg-head). You like to dish it out but you can't take it. You're a pansy, Doyel. A pansy.
Wait a minute. The greatest player of all time -- well, after Rajon Rondo, of course -- comes to my aid and correctly refers to me as Legged Orgy ... and you're saying that's MY fault? Not my fault. I didn't put my mind-meld to work on Jordan. Yet. But if I ever crack his ATM's pin code ...
From: Michael Jordan
Behind on my reading, just saw last week's Hate Mail. You know where I live?!? Should I be concerned that the stalker, me, has turned into the stalkee? Truth be told, I had to buy the house. We were just wasting time with a Realtor when I found out she was a Dook grad. I figured the best way to ruin her career was to do business with me. Why do you think I drafted Gerald Henderson last year? See, there is a method to my madness. Now if only I can get my hands on Jon Scheyer and turn him into the next Adam Morrison.
Can I tell you a secret? My mom asked me last week, "Is that the real Michael Jordan writing you every week in Hate Mail?" I had to tell her the truth. "Sure is," I said.
From: Sean Lynott
Water Polo is for sissies? Ever hear of the Blood in the Water Match?
That was 54 years ago. If you have to go back 54 years to find an example of your sport's toughness, your sport ain't tough. I can't go 54 MINUTES without proving my toughness. But then, I'm a hothead. Plus your name is an anagram for Nylon Teats. Nothing tough about nylon teats, Sean.
I hope you are haunted for the rest of your existence by Mormons reminding you that herbal tea is allowed.
So far, so good. Wrote that thing on the BYU honor code six weeks ago. E-mails from the Mormons are still coming in. Watch this.
From: Todd M.
I want to thank you for that fair look at the Harvey Unga situation, and at BYU's honor code. But just so you know, herbal tea is allowed.