I get hundreds of e-mails a week. Sometimes more than 1,000. I print maybe 20, so do the math. The odds of getting into Hate Mail aren't good.
Yet this week some dude asked me to notify him when -- when! -- his e-mail was printed. He wasn't being cheeky. He was being serious.
Before I deal with him, though, I have to deal with the Oklahoma fans who don't believe I ever lived there. They think I wrote about growing up in Oklahoma just ... because? Like it was wishful thinking or something? Get over yourself, Oklahoma fans. Don't make me sorry I grew up in
Texas your state.
|Gregg Doyel (circa 1976) and sister Kathryn flank Sooners halfback Elvis Peacock.|
If you're going to blatantly lie about your background, how could anyone take you seriously about Oklahoma and the death penalty? You have ZERO connection to the University of Oklahoma, dude.
Look, clever name guy. This is my dad. Check out his alma mater. And check out the photo to the left. See that kid in the No. 88 jersey, standing next to former Oklahoma halfback Elvis Peacock? That's me, dude.
From: Chris Hamilton
When did you live in Norman? I'm a 1989 Norman High grad. I lived near Jackson Elementary School. I'm sure if you lived in Norman, we crossed paths at some point.
You checking up on me, too? I lived there from 1972-78. Small world, but I went to Jackson for kindergarten, walking there from our house on Lenox. And then we moved to Berry Road. I want to say the address was 2620 Berry Road, but I could be wrong. That was a long time ago, and I was only 7. If there's a house at that address, go ask the folks living inside if they realize a celebrity grew up there.
From: Stewart T. Mayfield
If I didn't know better, I'd say you don't have a very good opinion of Oklahoma athletics. Where have you been with the Southern California discussion? How about you asking, "How can USC not be given the death penalty?" Try hitting the dart board with your darts. Thank you!
Three immediate thoughts come to mind:
1. Don't gloss over your own guilt by saying, "Look at THEM -- they're guiltier!" Kids do that, Stewie. Not adults.
2. I wrote this scathing column on USC in May 2009. Idiot.
3. Your name is an anagram for "my fetid saltwater." Sorry.
From: Dan R.
You asked, "If Oklahoma doesn't deserve the death penalty, what does?" And I say: How about UConn and its EIGHT major violations? Of course, Reggie Bush's rich treatment while at USC also should raise eyebrows.
Refer to my last response. See No. 1.
I wish you were a popsicle.
Please explain that. Wait, no, on second thought ...
From: K. Barrow
You're not looking at this Oklahoma story logically. You noted that Sooners AD Joe Castiglione is highly regarded, "which makes it so baffling that the Sooners simply cannot stop cheating." How do you stop cheating before it happens? For you to imply that the AD is at fault is absurd.
Jeff Capel hired the allegedly cheating assistant -- but who hired Capel? The AD did. Crap runs uphill, as it should. It's called accountability.
From: K. Barrow
By the way, how will I know when my comments have been posted? Will I receive a notification? Could you re-send back to me in an e-mail what I wrote?
We'll send someone to your house. When the doorbell rings, that's us. We'll give you a batch of flowers, too. Our way of saying thank you.
From: Nick Sachs
So you're condoning Dwight Howard's blatant elbows to the head and hands drug across players' faces? And making fun of Glen Davis for having a glass jaw when the man had a brain injury? I'm not gonna post some (silly) thread calling you out. I'm telling you straight up, as one-on-one as I can get, go f--- yourself, you piece of s---. I hope someone drops an anvil on your head.
And you were doing so good until your last sentence! To recap: You're telling me, as one-on-one as you can get, that you hope someone else hurts me? Try again, Nick. You almost had it.
From: Tough Chick
Dwight Howard ought to be arrested for assault and battery. That's not good basketball -- it's pure viciousness and obviously unfair officiating. You should be ashamed. If this is what you admire, write about boxing. Better yet, let Howard elbow you in the head.
You write like you're ugly.
From: Charles Gargiulo
Great article by a phony tough-guy. Is that why you have a skin-head picture with the scowl? Ooooh, you are such a macho man from your bio. Well, unfortunately I guess I can't kick the s--- out of you right now because I'm over 60, but your having four amateur fights sounds hardly intimidating to a former member of 10th Special Forces Group.
Don't be scared of me, gramps. I'm like Mike Gundy: I'm a man! I'm 40! So you're not THAT much older than me. I'll allow you to bleed on me, if you really want to go there.
From: William Statler
Late 1950s, early '60s. St. Louis Hawks with Bob Petit vs. Boston Celtics of Bob Cousy. Both teams had a player on the bench whose main function was to keep order. The Celtics' tough guy was Jungle Jim Loscutoff. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you shouldn't call yourself a sportswriter.
I was riding shotgun with you until the final sentence, when you ran off the cliff alone. You're telling me I'm a fraud as a sportswriter if I haven't heard of the great Jungle Jim Loscutoff, with his lifetime scoring average of 6.2 ppg from half a CENTURY ago? Between you and that last guy from the 10th Special Forces Group, you old folks from Boston sure are silly.
You sir are an idiot. Tough guy with a pen. Glass jaw. I could take my elbow and knock you out, you fool.
Thanks to Gramps in Boston I've already used up my weekly quota on fight challenges, so I'll just concede the point. Yes, Dave, I'm sure you could knock me out. With an elbow. Because truly tough guys, like yourself, e-mail strangers like me to make such a tough boast ... and then bravely sign the note with your first name only.
I agree with you that Texas is a huge deal for the Big Ten. But let's be honest -- so is Nebraska. Texas might have a larger population, but Nebraska has nothing else to do! Walk around Lincoln on game day and you can pretty much steal anything you want. Everyone is glued to their TV.
It's the same way in Starkville, Miss. But unlike Lincoln, I have no desire to see Starkville. Ever. Not even from 30,000 feet overhead, emptying the lavatory onto their Starkvillian heads.
From: THE Texas Roadkiller
As a Platinum Medallion flyer on Delta -- and Nebraska hater -- I appreciate your good humor about lavatories and Nebraska from last week's Hate Mail. Moves the hand on the Hate Meter slightly back in your favor. As for Michael Jordan's ATM pin code, you're too slow, pansyman. It's 2345. Get that through your Old Grey Egg head.
Legged orgy. I prefer my name anagrammed as "legged orgy." Get that through YOUR head, Tex.
From: Chris H.
This is the most pathetic Hate Mail ever. What did you do, phone it in? And when was the last time you wrote a good article? Sure, you can still occasionally hit one out of the park, but you are starting to remind me of Shaq -- and I don't mean Shaq of the 1990's. I mean slow, fat Shaq.
That last guy liked last week's Hate Mail. Try it again. And I love the Shaq comparison. I'm the Big Muckraker. Gregg Fu. SuperDoyel.
Pretty ignorant article. Putting Syracuse and Pittsburgh in the same sentence with Rutgers is sad. Does Rutgers have Jim Brown, Ernie Davis, Dan Marino, Tony Dorsett or Mike Ditka?
None of the people you mentioned played at Pitt or Syracuse in the last quarter of a century. Next you'll tell me that the Big 8 deserves a BCS bid based on its dominance in 1981. Never mind that the Big 8 doesn't exist anymore.
From: Robert Risbrough
Your speculation about USC is truly incredible. What inside information do you have about the potential sanctions to be handed down? Since you are omniscient, how is it that USC should have known about the Bush family finances or how their house was purchased? Is it possible, or is it even the right of a university, to know the finances of the parents sending their students to the school? If you can answer those questions, I will be impressed. Until then, your opinion is simply not worth the cyberspace air it is composed in.
Hey homer. Your school was as scummy -- or allowed as much scum; same difference -- in football and basketball, at the same time, as any school in the history of major college sports. Stick your head back in the sand, Robert. You can't handle the truth.
From: Chris Tolbert
Where is the Hate? My Thursday is wasted.
I hate you. Better?
From: Dennis Hoertt
Loved your column on Big Ten expansion. You've come a long way since the Charlotte Observer. I need to point out though that you have occasional grammar issues, as in the Big Ten expansion article when you say, "If it was going to happen with Notre Dame ..." Since this is the subjunctive mood, you should have written, "If this WERE to happen ..."
I know the rule. I broke the rule, and you want to know why? Because that sentence, your way, looks silly. It's the same reason I refuse to wear a tie, or even slacks, to an NBA playoff game. I know the rules, and most of the NBA media follow those rules, but I refuse to wear a tie as I watch a bunch of sweaty men in their pajamas. Looks silly. I won't do it.
From: Eastside, WA
Don't often read your column but really liked this one on Eric Byrnes. I'm 63, but having played ball from age 8, I can understand Byrnes' love for the game.
Your first five words hurt my feelings more than you could possibly know.
CBS owes you a raise. You're the only reason I visit this site.
I'm still stinging from that whole "don't read your column often" cheap shot. But this helps. The raise would help more, obviously.
From: Frank D.
If they ever make a movie on Eric Byrnes, Woody Harrelson has to play him.
I'm thinking Sean Penn, circa Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
From: Mark Black
I'm a BYU alum and member of the Mormon Church. Thank you for your thoughts and comments in your recent article about our Honor Code.
Yeah, but what about the herbal tea?