National Columnist

Hate Mail: The phallus ... uh ... fallacy of Tim Floyd's innocence


People who like Tim Floyd -- to each his own; some people eat ox penis, too -- seem to think Floyd was vindicated by the NCAA's recent hammering of the USC basketball program under one Tim Floyd.

People are stupid. For proof, check out that link.

I'll get to those idiots soon enough. But first let's cleanse our palate with some fruit, shall we?

From: Mike L.

It's interesting that you said Keith Olbermann is shaped like a pear, since a pear is the shape typically used to describe the way women gain weight (as opposed to apple for men). So by saying Olbermann is shaped like a pear, you are in fact calling him a woman. Well done.

I'm not calling him a woman. That would be cruel, and I'm not cruel. I'm merely calling him fat.

From: Glenn

So Keith Olbermann is shaped like a pear. What fruit shape would you say you most resemble?

I'm more of a cactus -- and don't tell me a cactus isn't a fruit. It's as much of a fruit as a tomato.

From: Babs

I love pears!

But you have a cactus fetish, right?

From: Chris

YAWN. So Reggie Bush made some money from agents or whoever. Who the heck cares? You're telling me that he would have been less of a player had he not benefitted financially from playing? Or the USC football team wouldn't have been as good without the players benefitting somehow? This is a non-story.

Tell me something. On that planet where you live, do they have trees made of dark chocolate? Because I always thought that would be cool.

From: Tom

You're a naïve, ignorant idiot. Bush and Mayo made USC millions with ticket sales, jersey sales and other revenue. So screw you and those idiots like you who have no clue about players making schools millions and getting nothing in return.

Wait a minute. Athletes get free education. Food, rent. They get groupies (well, they DO). They get fame and adulation. And you think they're somehow victimized in college? Try that tree, Tom. I think it's dark chocolate! Either that or ox penis ...

From: Chris Vetti

You are an idiot if you think taking money is "cheating." Cheating is an unfair advantage in the field of play, which neither player had. You probably went to UCLA.

Your name is an anagram for "tics thrive."

From: Joe M.

Your article on Bryce Harper would have been great, except for one thing -- you didn't admit you were wrong. I seem to recall an article of yours, written a year earlier, about his decision to skip the final two years of high school and how you were blasting his father for allowing it. Have anything to say about that?

Well, yeah. I do. I referenced that column in that story. More than halfway down. Let me guess: You read the first two or three sentences of this story, remembered my EARLIER story -- because I'm memorable -- and then fired off this e-mail.

From: Joe M.

Never mind my last comment about the Harper article. I read the rest of your article after I sent in my note ... and you do point out the discrepancies between your previous article and this week's. I'm sure you get this all the time, but sometimes what you write produces such an instantaneous, gut-wrenching reaction that it cannot be contained. And don't worry, I do realize that I just teed you up to crush me in a response.

Nah. I won't be mean to you. You obviously suffer from premature e-mail-ification. Happens to a lot of people. Just not me.

From: Jason Thomas

That was a 67-page report on USC and not a single mention of any alleged $1,000 payment by Tim Floyd. Bad day for you, huh?

Nah. I'm still me -- and Floyd's still sleazy. Tell him I said hello.

From: Eddie

How come there is no, "I was wrong about Tim Floyd" story for today? The facts are out now!

Interestingly enough, Floyd is asking people for my phone number -- and he now has it. I beat him to the punch and called his office at UTEP, looking for him. He must have been hiding not been in.

From: Shawn Warswick

Hey, Mr. Character Assassin, why don't you write a column now about Tim Floyd and how he's been cleared? You were quick to attack him in the spring, so why don't you show some honor and apologize?

The NCAA's report noted that USC's compliance people advised Floyd not to deal with Rodney Guillory and O.J. Mayo, and that Floyd refused to listen. And then Guillory and Mayo brought down the program. If you think that "cleared" Floyd, you're as dumb as he is.

From: George

Do you ever just look in the mirror and say, "God, I am an awful person. I lie, I rip people, I am hateful, and I make a living by spewing venom that is false regardless of how it may hurt an innocent person."

Yes, I look in the mirror. Yes, I utter oaths beginning with the word "God." But not your oaths. Your oaths are nonsense.

From: Mike Steiner

I've noticed the deification of John Wooden after his death. Am I correct that widespread cheating occurred on his watch? Why is there no outcry concerning this? Any thoughts on the matter?

Just these thoughts from a brilliant, brave columnist in 2009.

From: Bill

The first sentence of your story on the Celtics' awful showing in Game 1 should read: "smarter than I." Not "smarter than me."

I know that. I do. But that constructions looks silly, and in the first sentence of a story, I'm not willing to look silly. Why? Because I'm smarter than, um, you.

From: Frenchman

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.

When that Monty Python movie ends, I bet you play Dungeons & Dragons.

From: Cody W.

Which of your stalkers is your favorite? My money is on CT Hoosier. Speaking of which, I think should have a survey for your readers' favorite Legged Orgy stalker.

Tough one. I love them all, like a father loves all of his children (even the really stupid ones). And readers have already spoken as to their favorite. CT Hoosier, that cheeky little stalker, is in my damn Wikipedia page. Oh, you didn't know I had a Wikipedia page? My bad. I guess I've never mentioned it before.

From: Kenny E.

I rescind last week's Hate Mail. I sent Freeman a scathing e-mail because of how stupid he is toward Kentucky ... and got nothing. I need a stalkee -- is that a word? -- who responds. A give and take. Loyal minion for life right here.

And I'm loyal right back. I should have said YOU"RE my favorite, because I love you.

From: Kenny E.

P.S. Did you grill hot dogs last night? Definitely smelled some grilled meats wafting into my van across the street.

And the restraining order I took out simply shows the depth of my love.

From: Dwight Long

I wish I could spend some time inside you. Kind of like Being John Malkovich. What kind of disturbing scenes would I see? Speaking of disturbing, read my first sentence again.

I was disturbed the first time I read that sentence. The second time, though, I kind of liked it. And the scenes you would see would be of blood, dripping out of our nose. We love to box. We love to hit people. We just don't love to duck.

From: Dr. Drew

Did you take a lot of drugs in college? Sometimes I think I can see the effects of it in your writing. Typical symptoms of PCP junkies are delusions of grandeur, hostility, paranoia and bizarre hallucinations. Baldness may or may not be a symptom -- that could just be genetics.

I tried pot once and it didn't work. No buzz. No hunger. No sleepiness. No nothing. But an unfiltered Camel knocks me on my ass.

From: Shelton J. Doan

You remind me of the Celtics' Nate Robinson. Your bark is bigger than your bite, you are extremely irritating, you suffer from a Napoleon complex and you applaud yourself for even the most insignificant accomplishments.

I do not (See 1987, '88).

From: Nick D

I realized something when I read Hate Mail a few weeks back -- as Trent pointed out, CBS owes you a raise. You're the only reason I visit this site. I've gotta second this comment. So CBS, give Doyel a raise and extend Hate Mail!

Technically speaking, this is not Hate Mail. It's not even dislike mail. Please don't write me again and force me to print your e-mail just to show everybody the kind of thing that is not allowed. Ahem.

Gregg Doyel is a columnist for He covered the ACC for the Charlotte Observer, the Marlins for the Miami Herald, and Brooksville (Fla.) Hernando for the Tampa Tribune. More importantly, he is 4-0 as an amateur boxer, with three knockouts. Follow Gregg Doyel on Twitter.

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