Updated June 24
Last week in Hate Mail, I throw out a reference to the incredible, edible ox penis -- and I think it's over. But ... no. You people grab onto the idea of ox penis and throw it back at me.
Dadgummit, I like you all. And I love Hate Mail. I'm going to miss all of it -- but mostly Hate Mail -- when I'm on vacation next week.
How about you be a man and admit you're a racist? In your intro to Hate Mail last week, you basically said that the cultures of people who eat ox penis are stupid and inferior.
Never said they were inferior. But stupid? Yeah, I'll say that. Anyone who eats ox penis is stupid.
No one wants to know that you eat ox penis on your free time. Nor do most people care if Tim Floyd is vindicated in your eyes or not. You're an idiot. Then again, you write stupid articles just to get us to comment on how ridiculous you sound.
And it worked! I wrote a stupid article, and here you are responding to it. Just wait until I work my subliminal magic and ask you to mail me a check for $50. Actually, I'm asking now. And in advance ... thanks, Anthony.
This article on flopping is some of the arrogant rubbish that led the rest of the world to thinking about Americans as arrogant and self-praising braggers. Just my two cents, not meant in a disrespectful way.
No worries, Thor. I could feel your respect as you called me "arrogant rubbish" and a "self-praising bragger."
From: Doyel's a P----
Go choke on a d---, you skinheaded piece of s---. You'd be out of a job if you weren't giving it to your boss every night. God knows you don't have your job because of your wit or writing ability.
I feel your respect, also. You're too kind.
From: Jonathan Canoe
I'm trying to figure out why you threw in the fact in your flopper story that you were offered a soccer scholarship. Does it somehow prove your love of the game? Or do you feel the need to boast a bit? May I suggest you read Proverbs 11:2?
I threw it in there for exactly the reason you think I threw it in there: To show off. (Check 1987, '88.) As for your reading suggestion, thanks but no. Read that whole book, many times. I prefer Dr. Seuss.
From: Gerard Cosgrove
A bit harsh about the final day at the U.S. Open, don't you think? If it's so easy, perhaps you should have played -- we might have had a different winner!
From: Husker Vikes
You know what you should do, Gregg? You should petition to join the group of three celebrities who play the U.S. Open course to see if they can break 100. I'm sure your no-talent self would shoot far more than the women did this year.
Damn right I'm a celebrity.
From: Jonathan Canoe
Try to avoid writing about golf.
Gladly. My writing style isn't fit for golf. It's more fit for demolition derby.
From: Phil Challis
A typically rubbishy article on the U.S. Open by a U.S. journalist who can't accept that you guys don't rule the world of golf anymore. Of the current world Top 50, less than 20 are American.
Would you people make up your mind? I can't tell if I'm a golf-hating Neanderthal, or a run-of-the-mill xenophobe. I suppose it's possible I'm both ...
From: John Leslie Buchanan
What sour grapes. OK it was tough scoring but don't forget that when Jack Nicklaus won there in 1972, he was 6-over par. And if you don't know Havret's name then it is a reflection on your poor knowledge of world golf. He is a three-time winner in Europe but in your blinkered U.S. world that doesn't seem to be of interest. You need to get out more and broaden your horizons.
You have the middle name of a girl.
When I first heard your voice on the radio I was a little surprised. I expected you to have a slightly high-pitched, nasally dweeb voice. Instead I heard a deep, rough voice with a thick Southern accent. I'm not sure why I decided to tell you this ...
You could be hitting on me. I hope the "P" stands for Penelope and not Peter. And thank goodness there's not an "L" among your initials. You could be a Leslie, and I'd have no idea what to think.
From: Kevin Klier
Your story from Sunday at the U.S. Open offers another reason why many sports writers shouldn't write about sports. Your ability to fully understand the incredible demands required of an athlete under extremely difficult situations is limited at best. What sport have you ever competed in at a level that had the potential of bringing you fame and fortune? Hell, what sport are you even COMPETENT in?
Hoo boy. How much time you got? I was all-state in baseball and soccer. I box right now as an amateur (and I'm 4-0 with 3 KO's). I can run one mile in 5 minutes, and three miles in 19. I'm pretty good at golf, tennis, football, basketball and pool, too. But I can't surf. Can't even stand up on the damn board. You got me there.
From: Robert Miller
It's funny how everyone who has a famous name must have choked on Sunday, because that's the only way Graeme McDowell could have won. If you haven't got anything good to say, then shut the hell up.
But I write for a living. And I usually have nothing good to say. Kind of makes it hard for me to live by your Boy Scout credo. Besides, you're the one whose name is an anagram for "Mr. Rot Libeler."
From: Cody Wells
My name is an anagram for Badass Mother----ery.
Hahahaha this whole anagramming thing is taking off. Now I have you guys anagramming your own names.
From: Thomas Burns
For my anagram, I might go with Hums No Brats.
Nah, for you I gotta go "arson's thumb." Because there's something about you that I just don't trust, TB ...
From: Aaron Taylor
Thanks for the column about Harvey Unga and the BYU honor code. I'm a senior at BYU, and the honor code is strict and sometimes tough to live by, but there's much to be said about Unga willing to be honest and live up to his honor.
Enjoy that herbal tea, Aaron. It's legal, you know.
From: Joshua Feese
I used to read your predictions of who would win the upcoming UFC fights. What happened?
I quit doing UFC predictions because I always picked the guys I liked -- and that doesn't work. I'm a fan of the sport, and you can't pick as a fan. That's why I'm so good picking sports where I have no rooting interest.
From: Burton DeWitt
I feel like Hate Mail has taken a turn for the worst. It was much better when CT Hoosier was the one who was smelling your hot dogs from the back of his van. It just doesn't strike me as something Kenny E would do. I think he's stalking CT Hoosier, and thereby stalking you by proxy.
CT Hoosier gets a little too much attention around these parts, if you ask me.
From: CT Hoosier
I don't say it enough, but I really love Hate Mail. When will an official Hate Mail conference be held? I suggest we hold a meeting at the site of the Final Four each year. Invitation only, of course.
But I see why you get so much attention, you creepy little stalker. You're adorable, in a restraining-order sort of way.
I just read Hate Mail. It was the most enjoyable thing I have read at CBSSports.com for a while. Do people really not get it? If all you wrote about was devoid of opinion, who would waste their time reading it? I don't always agree with you, and thank God for that. I couldn't handle the boredom.
You're trying to be nice, Doug, I know you are -- but your second sentence is a killer. Think of it from my perspective. I write for a living, but you basically just told me that I do my best work on the toilet.
You really should take it easy on the people who respond to your articles. People basically are stupid, but think they know it all. So when you get an inbox full of sports fans showing off their stupidity, take a deep breath and just realize that they are simply doing what they are hard-wired to do. Their nature is to be morons. Don't blame them for simply being themselves. Rise above it.
But I do my best work on the toilet!
Anyone else think Pau Gasol looks like a bigger dumber hairier version of Kurt Rambis?
Bigger and hairier, sure. Dumber? Not sure anyone, anywhere, could look dumber than 1980s Kurt Rambis.
Wow, you're a giant tool. You write an article about how lame Twitter is, and just as I was starting to respect your writing, I get to the bottom of your article and see that YOU YOURSELF HAVE A TWITTER PAGE. Congratulations, sell-out. You're a self-important loser, too -- just like everyone else you spewed out your opinion on.
Yeah, but I don't use my Twitter to tell people what I had for lunch. I use it for more noble purposes. Like to rip that coward Mariotti.
I hope you're proud of this article. McDowell just won the U.S. Open -- give him at least some credit. Way to rain on his parade.
Poor Graeme McDowell. He just won his first major title, the winner's check of $1.35 million and the unspoken right to sleep with every hot single woman in Northern Ireland. How will he ever get over the disappointment of reading my chicken-scratch?
McDowell wins the U.S. Open because he does the worst job trying to lose the event? Stay classy, Doyel! It's a wonder you haven't won the Pulitzer Prize yet.
That final word of your e-mail -- "yet" -- means a lot to me. Thank you, Mickey. I'll do my best to honor your faith in me.
You are spot on. The last round was pitiful. I still can't believe I wasted four plus hours watching that crap. I think everyone who attended the U.S. Open should get their money refunded.
Careful, Chuck. The Fraternal Order of Golf Police is out and about. Better to keep a low profile, lest you get whacked in the shin with a $149 putter.