Hate Mail: Making fans angry, even in other countries
Updated July 7
They're mad at me overseas, which is fine, but I wish they would explain why.
Was it the story where I insulted Graeme McDowell after he won the U.S. Open? Was it any of my multitude of insults for simpering Pau Gasol? Or was it this beauty on the World Cup, where I said the rest of the world is just keeping the trophy warm until the United States decides to care about soccer?
No clue. Most of them didn't say why they're mad at me. They just seem angry.
Sod off, losers. Hate Mail ain't impressed.
From: Robert Nieman, UK
Why don't you write in proper sentences? Is it a bad American education or is it that you are not intelligent enough to write in proper sentences?
Oh you cagey Brits with your mastery of the English language. You once owned us, but we fought you off and then grew to 10 times your size. Plus we have orthodontists over here. Don't get mad -- get braces.
From: Alan McCracken
You are a wanker!
You Euros sure know how to talk trash. I bet it sounds tougher coming out of those screwy teeth.
From: Matthew
You are an arrogant pr-ck.
Send your next letter to the sun. Tell it, "You are hot and bright." Or, hell, send that letter here. It applies to me as well.
From: Sidney
What is with you Americans? Are you TRYING to be arrogant and all-important, or does it just come easy?
What is it with you non-Americans? If you really think America is so bad, why do all of you gate-crashers want to live here?
From: Mr. Bunny
If the NFL is so great, how come American football isn't worldwide like Coca-Cola? Europeans could afford the gear. Maybe because it can't compete as a sport?
And even those among you who don't try to move to my country, all of you stop what you're doing, wherever you are, to watch the Super Bowl. We don't stop what we're doing to watch the Champions League finale. We don't even know when it is. Spring? Summer? Ah, who cares. Not like I'm gonna watch that thing.
From: WycBadger
You wrote, "We invented baseball. We invented American football. If it's a team sport, we either made it or we perfected it. All but soccer, anyway." Er, ever heard of cricket and rugby?
Sorry, my mistake. I wasn't clear. I meant to say, "If it's a GOOD team sport, we either made it or we perfected it." Sorry for the confusion. Better?
From: Pamela L.
I believe you and your editor made a mistake regarding your article about BYU's honor code. The consumption of herbal tea is actually permitted; any type of black tea or green tea containing caffeine is prohibited. Although this is a minor mistake and was probably overlooked, this is still a significant matter to Mormons and students at BYU. Thank You
At this point, I'm thinking you're pulling my leg. Jerking my chain. Those are not sexual euphemisms, by the way, because sexual euphemisms would go right over your Mormon head. Wait, did I say head? Sorry. There I go again.
From: Squanto
You remind me one of my favorite writers, Yukio Mishima. You both are controversial, have strong unapologetic views, and bulked up later in your lives. The only way you can complete this comparison is to go out the same way Mishima did. Good luck.
That guy? He committed suicide by disemboweling himself! I don't plan to go out like that guy. Now, had he suffered a heart attack while having sex with two Playmates, you might be onto something.
From: Jon Lieberman
You are a bald, cueball-headed jerk-ff. I'm guessing you are 5-foot-7, maybe 5-8 tops. Big man, huh?
I'm not THAT short, though I'm no giant at 5-10. But in my defense, I did bulk up later in life. Must be all that sushi ...
From: Eric
In your article about the NBA draft you had some harsh words for the man in the red and white. What is your beef with Waldo? Calling him dorky is uncalled for. Stick with trashing Rick Reilly or Mariotti but leave poor, innocent Waldo out of this.
Where's Waldo? I found that poor dork in six seconds in this picture. Try it. No way can you top six seconds.
From: Ox Penis Expert
I'm surprised that during all this talk about ox penis in the last few Hate Mail columns you didn't slip in a comment about how you are hung like an ox or something of that nature.
That joke would have been too easy, even for me. Plus, I didn't think of it.
From: Thomas O'Powley
In last week's Hate Mail you said McDowell will have the unspoken right to sleep with every hot single woman in Northern Ireland after winning the U.S. Open. Unfortunately for Mr. McDowell, there a grand total of about three women who would fit that description in that particular geographic location. Even you would probably be out of most Irish women's league.
You're not going to believe this, but your name is an anagram for "somewhat loopy."
From: Jeff Pokorny
HEY! If this whole anagramming thing is taking off, where's my credit?!? Clearly, I started the ball rolling. And damn my parents -- they should have named me "Aaron."
Ah, yes. The man whose name is an anagram for "jerk off pony." You deserve all the credit in the world for starting this craze. And for overcoming the subtle sin of your own name.
From: Griffin Troup
I'm just wondering how you became a writer at CBSSports.com. Please answer.
If you're simply asking a question: A person gets this job by having immense talent. Or by getting it however Freeman got it. If you're insulting me: Your name is an anagram for "profiting fur," which tells me you're hitting baby seals with a hammer. And that ain't cool.
From: Dirk Flores
Who do you guys pay to get the title "expert columnist"? What is that old saying: If you leave a monkey in front of a typewriter, eventually he will type the constitution.
Pretty sure you're not simply asking a question. Pretty sure you're insulting me. Or the monkey, maybe, because the constitution was a poorly constructed piece of tripe that has handcuffed this nation for long enough and I for one am not going to ... well, anyway. Pretty sure you were insulting somebody. Well done.
From: Pete
How the (heck) can you -- with a straight face and an unopened bottle -- even consider Stephen Strasburg to be an All Star? If he wasn't the No. 1 pick, but just another rookie, you wouldn't give him a second thought.
You're right. That 102-mph fastball and 92-mph changeup of his are so run-of-the-mill, I'm stifling a yawn as I type this sentence.
From: Paul Galea
I love Tiger and Stevie Williams. They both share the winnings and in this case both share the blame for bad club selections. Tiger admitted he made bad swings. The world should leave the two alone. Your patriotic support of Stevie is false. If you want to support the greatest caddy of all time stop using him as a vehicle to write ordinary claims. Write about sport not gossip. We have to respect peoples privacy and self-esteem. All you are doing is supporting the other "journalist" in putting pressure on peoples lives. Disgraceful...get off the band wagon of small things amusing small minds.
Gotta tell you, Paul, I have no idea what you're talking about. I mean, I realize you're talking about my column on Tiger and Stevie. But I have no idea what you're saying. Your sentence structure is proper enough, I guess. But your words are illiterate.
