Updated Sept. 16
After two unflattering columns on North Carolina, UNC fans threatened me -- but not like most people threaten me. How did they threaten me? Put it this way:
They threatened me just like you'd expect from people who put a penny in their loafers.
I'm laughing at you, UNC fans. You didn't scare me -- you made my day. Then again, Hate Mail usually does.
You're surprised that a fan base would be upset over your ridiculous garbage? Yes, you are stuck with UNC football. Yes, you will have to suffer through a UNC bowl game. Hopefully we'll set up a punching booth at the bowl game with you as the attendant. I'll have my money ready.
Because you want to hit me, but would never have the testicles to do it for real? I picture you writing this e-mail to me, and I picture you wearing a fuchsia Polo.
From: W. Sterk
You're a douche bag-and-a-half. I sincerely hope that a player on UNC's football team knocks your ass out.
Why don't you give it a shot? Maybe at a punching booth or something.
From: S. Ruffin
I'm known as a peace-loving person. However, such scum as yourself eventually get what's coming to you. I would never bring bodily harm to anyone, but if someone beat you within an inch of your life, it would give me a good belly laugh.
You know what's giving me a good belly laugh? All you passive-aggressive Tar Heels fans who want me to suffer, but who don't have the gonads to even WRITE that you'll do it themselves. Empty talk is better than the weak crap you guys are throwing against the wall.
From: Mark Phialas
I hope to meet you in person some day.
That's better. Good job! Problem is, Mark, I looked you up, and you look to be about 60 years old -- and overweight. Your only shot of hurting me is if you have a heart attack and land on me.
From: Air UNC
Every team in the SEC commits rules violations every year and has staggering graduation rates consistently below 30 percent. We may be "the turd in the punch bowl," but the SEC is a bad case of diarrhea. I hate frickin' hypocrites like you. I'd like to kick you in the nuts.
Kick me in the nuts? Boy, you UNC fans are a manly bunch.
Your writing is garbage. Here's some guarantees: I would personally kick your bald ass anywhere, anytime. I make more money than you and have a better job. I'm sure as hell not as ugly as you. And I don't care where you went to school -- the point is, you weren't good enough to go to Carolina.
Who says UNC fans are conceited snobs? You seem completely humble and likeable.
From: Bill Leslie, WRAL, Raleigh
I'm a journalist like you -- and I am offended by your reckless article on UNC football. They are doing their best to clean things up. It's the first black eye in recent history. You should cut them a little slack.
I know who you are, Bill -- don't put yourself in the same category with me. You're a shameless homer.
From: Mike Owens
Eat s--- and die, you (deleted).
I'm thinking you UNC fans need a good hug.
You are a turd in the toilet. Go write yourself a suicide column and get rid of yourself.
I miss the e-mails from readers who merely want me to feel pain.
From: Ryan Hubbard
You are a f---ing idiot. The fact that someone pays you for your crap stories is a f---ing joke. I hope you fall down stairs.
Well, that would certainly hurt.
From: Rob Lankford
Do yourself a favor. Don't ever set foot in the great state of North Carolina -- you might not make it out alive.
Good Lord. I'm going to go back and read those columns. What did I say?!?!
If I were you I'd steer clear of any Tar Heel fans when walking down the street.
Good idea. If I see anyone in khaki pants, loafers and a sweater vest, I'll ... try not to laugh in your face.
From: BOB BLAKE
COME TO NC AND YOU COULD GET STUCK.
CAN'T I JUST CALL A TOW TRUCK?
From: Jon Beamer
Gregg Doyel was caught with a tranny outside a club in Miami last Friday -- true story. It's pretty clear he is trying to sweep this under the rug by bringing up different issues. RIP Gregg Doyel -- enjoy AIDS!!
And here I thought you UNC fans were starting to get out of control. Thank you for being the voice of reason, Jon.
From: Jim Buchan
First off, (delete) you! Ben Roethlisberger was doing what 75 percent of pro players do. He wasn't convicted of anything, and the girl was a piece of (deleted) looking for a payday.
I'll be damned, but I think I just found the missing link. You still have hair on your back, caveman?
From: Tony Cameneti
Your article about Roethlisberger was STUPID. I wish I could get on a plane and smack you in the mouth.
This is too good to be true, but you're a pastor in Australia -- looked you up -- and you want to fly to America to punch me in the mouth! Hahahahaha you're priceless. Pathetic and going straight to hell ... but priceless.
From: J. Lynn Henson
The column that you wrote about Arkansas fans? Nice work. You think that you're the God of sports columns, but you're wrong. You are no better than the people who raised hell over the hat. True, what the people did was wrong. But you calling Arkansas fans idiots ... you need your ass beaten down a notch or two.
Is there a fan base in the country that DOESN'T want to beat my ass? And better yet, out of all you big talkers, when is someone going to actually try? Been waiting my whole life to make an example of the idiot that does. Some day it'll happen, and it'll be epic. That's a promise.
From: George Davis
After two bad articles about my Heels, I hope you lose your job. My 12-year-old writes better articles.
Your 12-year-old is a damn genius ... or you're an idiot. Sorry, but those are the only two choices here.
From: Harold Butts
I don't think that your first article on North Carolina was merely "caustic". It was juvenile -- I thought the word "turd" was really funny in fifth grade.
I'm trying not to be juvenile, but ... dude. Your name.
Can you make it through one Hate Mail without bragging about what a star athlete you were in high school?
From: A true UNC faithful
You have NO idea who the UNC faithful are. Give us a break -- 500 idiots who try to mud-wrestle with a skunk are NOT representative of the proud, true UNC faithful who love our school and just want this whole mess to be cleansed from our system.
Love your letter, except for one thing. In that scenario, am I the skunk?
From: Willard Strickland
I read your article on UNC. Maybe you don't realize it, but you are a very crude person.
I do realize that. I compared UNC to a turd in the punchbowl. UNC fans have, in turn, threatened to beat me up, hoped a football player beats me up, asked me to kill myself, and rooted for me to catch AIDS and die. I'm crude, yes. But you people are subhuman.