National Columnist

Hate Mail: Fun with Google and a gaggle of nitwits


Fun with links, fun with anagrams, fun with Google ... every now and then, Hate Mail just parodies itself. Hey, you can't say that. Shaddup!

But still. Every now and then, this weekly segment is a fun little time. Here you go:

From: Chris Rizo

Read the article about your boyfriend LeBron taking charge. Did you just say Dwyane Wade was a top 5-10 player? Seriously. You love PER, correct? Wade is currently third in that statistic.

Look up the word "antonym." Or read this link. It's almost like you think "third in PER" and "top 5-10" are antonyms. They ain't synonyms, no. But if you were trying to weaken my point ... well, you didn't. So look up this word, too .

From: Anthony Mickels

Nice wrinkles in your forehead, fa--ot.

You noticed those? Yeah, wrinkles happen to smart people -- it's the sign of an active brain, trying to come out. I bet your forehead is as smooth as a baby's butt. And full of the same stuff.

From: Lance Hellring

Did you actually compare Dwyane Wade to Mo Williams? One of the 50 best players to ever play in the NBA ... to a slightly above-average point guard? It doesn't matter the context, Mo Williams should never be mentioned in the same sentence with Dwyane Wade EVER.

Technically, I called Wade "a better Mo Williams." And he is. He's LeBron's shooting-guard sidekick, like Mo Williams once was. Only better. Not sure I see your problem, which makes it all the better that your name is ridiculous on its own merits an anagram for "challenger nil."

From: Chris Pummer

Get real nit-wit. Your writing is horrible and so is your logic.

Never heard of you, so I Googled your name. Turns out, you're a writer. Still never heard of you.

From: viemusemheIgh

Most powerful and cost effective SEO and website traffic service in world get up to 100000 forum backlinks now! We can post your marketing message up to 100000 forums worldwide, get insane amount of backlinks and amazing targeted web traffic.

Silly Spam-bot, I don't need a search engine that provides my backlinks. Google does it for me for free. Watch this: I covered the 2004 Final Four, and I distinctly remember the referees ruining the semifinal between Duke and UConn. I bet Google saved it for me and ... what do you know -- here it is!

From: Ben Wasecheck

David Stern may be obtuse, but you're absurd. I suppose you were pushing for Tim Tebow to be in the Pro Bowl as well.

No, just MVP. Ahem. Also, after the same number of starts as Lin (six), I pushed for Stephen Strasburg to play in the 2010 MLB All-Star Game. I'm absurd, but I'm consistently absurd. I bet Google has that Strasburg story and ... what do you know -- here it is!

From: Matthew Driscoll

What the hell, you're still employed? Your columns make me puke my d--k off.

What the hell, you're still alive? And bragging about your lack of manhood? Google won't forget this, Matthew Driscoll. Remember that next time you think it makes sense to send me an email.

From: Peter L.


Did I accurately spell your name with the requisite number of g's? You're trying a little too hard to prove you're sensitive to Asians, by going over the top with your bandwagon praise of Jeremy Lin. You're a typical left-wing Democrat.

And here I thought I was arguing that Jeremy Lin should be invited to the All-Star Game in 2012. Apparently I was inviting Barack Obama back to the White House in 2013. Go find a liberal conspiracy somewhere else, Peter. Wait, look! Some newspaper just printed a story that described grass as "green!" That's the liberal media trying to brainwash you into recycling!

From: CW-5

I read your stuff to see you ridicule people without just basis, not to see you praise people justly.

Now, that's not fair. Yes, I praised Jeremy Lin justly in that story, but I also ridiculed Floyd Mayweather, David Stern and even Dr. Seuss. Surely some of that ridicule was without basis.

From: Ryan Gething

gregg you're a complete idiot how is it the nfl teams blew it on say terrell davis jamal anderson tom brady joe montana jerry rice guys who were selected very late hall of famers i doubt lin will be in the hall of fame ask jordan who was selected over sam bowie? you're so dumb you can f--- up a cup of coffee. when is cbs gonna can your dumb ass i could write better articles a wanna be tough guy change your picture my neices can kick your ass you're a punk.

Unedited, Ryan. This is how you write. Read it. Savor it. Be humiliated by it. But I'm intrigued that you'd send your neices nieces to do something you clearly wish you could do yourself. And by "intrigued," I mean "disgusted."

From: UConn 77, Duke 74

The personal attack against Jim Calhoun that you were allowed to publish is disgraceful. You are a lowlife piece of trash who belongs in jail. The world would be a better place if you got hit by a truck tomorrow -- and lived in agony!

Heaven forbid you should hit me yourself. Nor do you have the guts to send your nieces to do the job. Even that last guy thinks you're a weenie.

From: Nate

One of the biggest points that could be made for Lin as an All-Star is that he would have been voted in if he broke out any sooner. The guy is on fire with fans right now and nobody could have stopped him in a vote. How could you forget such a huge point? Dumbass!

Even when people agree with me, they decide I'm a dumbass. And people wonder why I have wrinkles?

From: Erik

Listening to you on The Royalman Report, I didn't know you have ADD. Do you think reading all this Hate Mail hurt your ADD?

You know, the ADD kicked in about 10 years ago. I got hired by about 10 years ago. I started doing Hate Mail about 10 years ago. Looks like a duck, quacks like a duck -- sounds like a lucrative lawsuit.

From: Steve W.

We all know February is the slowest sports month of the year. Linsanity is just the meal ticket for sports media and you seem to be no exception. Your latest article -- Lin should be an All-Star -- was a half-ass effort.

That Lin story was damn good, actually, and you thought I half-assed it? Well, thank you Steve. Not sure I can live up to your high ideals of my writing ability, but you've inspired me to try!

From: Ben W.

I just finished reading your article about Randy Edsall and agree 100 percent. My cousin, (name withheld by, also transferred away from Maryland this year with eligibility remaining. He said he would rather quit football than play another season with Edsall.

That story generated an unheard-of ratio of nice-to-angry emails. In fact, there was just one email blasting me, and I'm not printing it because the writer, who called himself "Jack," isn't Jack at all. He left electronic fingerprints, I tracked him down, and it turns out he has worked in the past for Randy Edsall. "Jack," if you're reading this, let this be a lesson to you: You're not that smart.

From: Corey Stackhouse

I was unaware the NBA still had an All-Star game. Thank you for pointing that out. As for Lin, do you think his old team, Harvard, can survive the first weekend of March Madness and why are you wasting ink on the NBA this time of year? My point is you're 100 percent correct.

I was wondering what your point was. Not surprised that's what it turned out to be.

From: Thomas Burns

Why shave your arms?

Great question, TB, and I have an answer: I'd been working out for a year or so at Jorge Gurgel's MMA gym when he walked up to me after a hard round of sparring, yanked my arm hair and said, "Real fighters shave their arms." Well, hell, you call me a "real fighter" and I'll do whatever you say. Thank God he didn't say, "Real fighters play in traffic."

From: Donald Hodges

Damn you moved around a lot -- I guess that's what makes you controversial. But MMA? That's for losers. None of those moves would work on me. After I sock you dead on the chin, its K.O. baby. And I hate dogs!

Someone's been reading my bio page. You sure you want a piece of me, Donald? Maybe you should send a truck -- or your nieces -- to try to soften me up first.

Gregg Doyel is a columnist for He covered the ACC for the Charlotte Observer, the Marlins for the Miami Herald, and Brooksville (Fla.) Hernando for the Tampa Tribune. He was 4-0 (3 KO's!) as an amateur boxer, and volunteers for the ALS Association. Follow Gregg Doyel on Twitter.

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