So I got called Mr. Rogers this week.
I know, right?
That's all I got for a clever intro: I was called Mr. Rogers. Speechless. But I know what can get my vocal cords moving -- Hate Mail.
From: Pro Football Scout
Spare us your story on Morris Claiborne's Wonderlic. Your entire career is predicated upon mocking people, even readers, for being stupid. But a black guy bombs the Wonderlic, and you morph into Mr. Rogers. If this was Tim Tebow, you'd be making fun of him for sure. It's hilarious how Claiborne's score got leaked, yet nobody can leak Barack Insane Obama's college transcripts. If they were any good, Obama would have leaked them himself.
You caught me: It's a left-wing conspiracy -- and it comes straight from the top. Don't piss me off, Scout. I can have you audited. Then deported.
Funny how a guy with a learning disability, which you explain as the reason for Claiborne's low Wonderlic score, can remember hundreds of plays and formations. Curious isn't it?
Absolutely. A person with a learning disability not only can't take tests well, but he can't play football, can't read a menu, can't drive a car, can't even remember to take a shower at night. Obviously that learning disability thing was a hoax, probably concocted by someone in
my friend Barack Obama's cabinet!
From: Charlie J.
You write an article calling for Petrino's firing, and one day later he's gone. I'm a longtime Orioles fan -- can you write one calling for Peter Angelos to go away?
That one is beyond my powers, but let me call my man Barry in D.C. and see what he can do ...
From: Marcola Duck
What I've read from you -- honestly only two articles, both about Oregon -- shows you have a knack for embellishment and reacting to half-truths as if they were facts. I have to admit that I was tipped off to the nature of your personality by that stupid head shot.
Not sure how much weight I'm supposed to give someone who has me all figured out by the way I look into a camera. No, I am sure how much weight to give you. And there you go, floating into the sky, like a hot-air balloon ...
From: Robert Wells
After reading one of your stories recently, I am convinced Jim Murray would be rolling over in his grave. You write like how J.R. Smith of the Knicks plays. Tone it down, write without the BS, and you'll go a lot farther.
You've got your metaphors so mixed up, I'm not sure who's on first
down base. You have departed sportswriters and selfish ballplayers and cow dung, all in the same email. If you see that last guy up there in the clouds, jab a needle in his balloon.
I can't stand you, but damn your Petrino articles are spot on. Too bad you're a dooshbag.
Trying to muster a "thank you." Failing ...
Simply, you have the brains of a piss-ant.
Did you know a piss-ant is an actual living creature? Just looked it up. Two known genera of the piss-ant are Forelius and Irydomyrmex. I can't find anything to back this up, but I'm fairly certain the North American piss-ant is the smartest bug in the insect world. So I'm trying to muster a thank you for you, too. And failing ...
From: Jeff Hegstrom
Apparently you know all the facts, related to the Oregon investigation? We will see! You don't seem to believe in an institution's right to be considered innocent until proven guilty.
I note that you don't fault my conclusion that Kelly should be fired -- only the timing of that conclusion. In other words, as soon as the NCAA releases its report and says that, yes, Oregon gave Willie Lyles $25,000 and received nothing from Lyles' scouting service other than a five-star running back, you'll be on board that Kelly should be fired. Thank you, Jeff. Figured there had to be a sensible Oregon fan out there somewhere. Much appreciated.
From: TSA Guy
I've read with interest your Hate Mail the past couple weeks from workers who say you were rude to them. Now it's time for me to speak truth to power. I work for TSA at Chicago O'Hare, and you behaved rudely toward me in 2011 when I politely asked you to cooperate with pre-boarding scanning. The reason the incident sticks with me to this day is because when I was addressing you, I already had recognized your photo. I then went and saw your name on the flight manifest.
Haven't been to O'Hare in four years. And I'll say this again: I write one way, and I live another. I'm a prince among men. Simple as that, you creepy little stalker.
From: Grad School Gary
I was your server at a Denny's in Cincinnati last year. I didn't know who you were, but the college kid working the cash register apparently recognized you and told me. You were obnoxious -- and stiffed me on the tip. I've read some of your columns and your so-called Hate Mail, and it definitely sounds like the cheap, obnoxious jerk I served the Grand Slam to that morning.
Hahahaha. Please write me next week. Please?
From: Someone from your past
There are people who say you're rude to waitresses, hotel clerks, retail clerks, etc. But I guess they ALL must be lying -- even your fellow sportswriters who claim eyewitness accounts!
Well, see, THEY aren't all lying. THEY don't exist. It's one person -- you -- writing me over and over and over. Why you're so obsessed with me, I don't know. Maybe you go for the handsome, virile, charismatic type. Can't say I blame you, but don't show up at my house to boil my rabbit. For one thing, I don't have a rabbit. For another, um, I don't have a rabbit.
From: Drake Ledbetter
You went to the University of Florida, and your father taught law school at Ole Miss. Naturally, anything Arkansas can win on the athletic field is contrary to your desires. Do you ever write negative articles about the Gators?
Oh, Drake. Someone rips Arkansas, so there MUST be a hidden agenda! Google my name, Florida and Urban Meyer -- see what I've written about my alma mater. Or not. Just sit there in the dark with your conspiracy theories, convinced you're smarter than everyone else when the opposite is closer to the truth.
From: Lawson Lambert
If Jessica Dorrell is qualified for the position she was hired for, what's the problem?
Your name is an anagram for "worn meatballs." That's not a logical answer to your question, but you don't strike me as big on logic.