Here we go again, another edition of Hate Mail from Arkansas. This is the fourth time in 18 months that Arkansas fans have earned star billing on this weekly exercise in silliness. I have the first three times here, and I assure you, they're worth the look:
Here's the one from August 2010, after those people ran off the radio reporter in the Florida hat.
And here's the one from December 2010, when they dug up a story of mine from 2008 and got angry all over again.
It was fun, Arkansas, but what have you done for me lately? Oh, right. You've been writing me for two weeks. You're a predictable little bunch.
From: Kris Heath
Do some research on John L. Smith before you write an article. John L. Smith took a better job, which is what any American citizen would do. Your article on Arkansas is a joke, and you're an idiot who writes non-factious pieces of crap.
Non-what? Factious? What the hell is THAT? I Googled it, and Google literally wrote me back a question: "Did you mean: facetious?" And I think the answer is yes -- because you must be joking.
Awful big of you to take time out of your no-doubt thrilling vacation to write such a condescending column full of hateful hyperbole. I find it disgusting and dishonorable that you malign Jeff Long and John L. Smith before we know the circumstances at Weber State. Also not buying that Jeff Long is a godless festering boil because he wanted Pete Carroll.
You don't strike me as smart enough to pull off actual irony, so I'm going to assume you weren't being clever by (A) starting your email with an attack of my "hateful hyperbole" and then (B) ending it with some hateful hyperbole of your own. Although from this day forward, Jeff Long will always be linked to the phrase "godless festering boil." See, Google remembers forever. It just doesn't understand the word "factious."
From: C.W. Jones Jr., MD
Just read your column on Jeff Long and had to say you are an idiot. I'm sure I'm not the only one to think so. You are the classic example of any moron being able to get an Internet commentary gig.
I am that. And you're an example of a doctor thinking it's not enough to be a doctor -- he has to show everyone else, even the Internet moron, by signing his email with the letters "MD." No doubt matches the vanity plate on your car.
From: Arthur Ranney
So let me get this straight: You would stay at a Big Sky school not to take an SEC job. Sure thing, fa--ot. What is it about Arkansas you fa--ots hate so much? If Notre Dame had hired an Arkansas coach before a single game, well that would be cool. I really hate fa--ot Yankees.
Thanks for signing your full name, Arthur Ranney. Gives the decent people in Arkansas a chance to avoid you.
You must be a disgruntled Weber State fan. You should have stayed on vacation instead of writing a boring article like this one ...
How to be a passive-aggressive cliché in two easy steps, courtesy of John. First, accuse Mr. Mean Old Sportswriter of being a fan of the other school! Second, tell Mr. Mean Old Sportswriter his story was boring anyway -- never mind that it made you so mad, you had to write a letter about it. Yo, John? You should have signed your last name, too. Just to give folks there in Arkansas a fair chance.
From: Paul Dixon
Give me a break. You bad mouth John L Smith for opting to take $850,000 vs. $163,500. You are less than truthful saying you would not do the same.
That's a hypothetical, and I refuse to participate in hypotheticals. Which is lucky for you, because hypothetically speaking, you're as dishonorably gutless as John L. Smith.
From: Thomas Burns
What kind of vacation did you take? You kept tweeting sports stories the whole week and come Sunday you fired up a column lickety-split. Did you chill at all? Did you spend the whole week attacking vegetation with your new power tools? I don't think I'll put you on speed dial to plan a vacation for me.
I'm so lousy at vacation, TB, I actually called my boss on the second day and begged to work that day -- for no extra pay! And then to make matters worse, I bought a cordless weed-eater. Wimpy thing. Times like this, I wish I was a doctor. Then I could sign my emails "MD" to compensate.
From: Grad School Gary
I realize you must edit emails for brevity, but in fairness to me, I did write in my initial email that our shared moment in time took place at a Cincy-area Denny's (fourth and fifth emails). The fact that the Denny's is located just across the Ohio River in Kentucky does not disqualify what took place. I find it amusing that you deal with an unfair accusation of behaving rudely toward someone, by responding with a barrage of insults.
The Denny's you reference as being "just across the Ohio River" in Kentucky is 40 miles from my house. Just how good is that grand slam breakfast supposed to be? Anyway, I'm a McGriddles man. But you're cute. Come back next week.
From: Pro Football Scout
Interesting how you admit in that John L. Smith story that you threw your phone across the room in a fit of frustration when your boss asked you to write about Ron Artest on vacation. That doesn't sound like the temperament of Mr. Rogers. Rather, that sounds like the short fuse of a sportswriter who insults players, coaches, fans, readers and yes ... TSA agents, hotel clerks and waiters at Denny's.
I'll let you in on a secret,
Grad School Gary Mr. Pro Football Scout: I get my Hate Mail in chronological order, and every week, the emails from the Denny's guy, the TSA agent and/or yourself come several minutes apart. It's almost like the same guy is writing them, one after another after another.
From: Kenny E.
Wait ... I've been reading CBS for a long time. When in the hell did they get a "premium service" (Dean White's email) type thing? Do they get lunch with you? If so I want in. Skyline?
I had no idea what that guy meant, either. Premium service? Maybe that guy gets columns after they're edited -- everyone else gets 'em raw and yucky. Speaking of which ... don't ever bring up Skyline to me. I'm a McGriddles man, I tell you
though I've been known to drive 40 miles for Denny's.
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You'd have a better chance of selling your goods and wares, my Spam-bot friend, if you made even a little bit of sense.
Just curious -- where in your office is your desk located? I'm guessing way back in a corner in the bi-polar section? Also, how tall are you? I think I could squish you like a bug.
That last guy made more sense than you.
You're a hypocrite. You accuse SMU athletics director Steve Orsini of being desperate for attention, yet you write your articles to attract attention. I think it's pretty clear who the attention whore is here.
Difference: I attract attention through skill with words. Orsini attracted attention by throwing millions of dollars at a ridiculous candidate. Winner? Not sure. Loser? Orsini.
From: Haroon Rashid
I wish you'd start writing NBA games again.
You hate the NBA that much, huh? I think you just wrote me because you know of my fondness for anagrams, and because your name is an anagram for "a shorn hairdo." Let me guess, Haroon: You're bald. Nothing wrong with that, of course. Best-looking guy I know is bald, or almost bald. He's stubbly. Shaddup.
From: Rick Ramage
So, Gregg, you slam Bobby Petrino, you slam Larry Brown, and you slam your phone across the room when your editor calls to ask if you can do a quick column while you're on vacation ... but you want us all to know that you don't insult people because you're a sweet little wallflower who loves bunnies and puppies! You're like the vegetarian who eats steak for dinner! Or the straight guy who keeps accidentally wandering into gay bars!
You're like the guy who uses too many exclamation marks. And because I'm mean to some folks and princely to others, I'm like the guy who is so multi-dimensional, I'm a hologram. Wait, that was pretty damn clever. Let's try that again: I'm like the guy who is so multi-dimensional, I'm a hologram!