This week I got tag-teamed by a husband and wife. Wait a minute ... not like that. Anyway, that's how Hate Mail starts.
How does it end? Well, slow down. First there's the greatest anagram of all time. Then there's some other stuff. Finally, we close with a surprise ending:
A lawyer writes me arrogantly. In return, I'm mean to him. Surprise!
From: Kate Brezinski
After reading your article about Coach K and Duke, I'm blown away by how little you understand the legal process. Have you gone to law school? Best of luck with your writing career -- I have a feeling you won't get too far.
Um, Kate? My writing career has gone OK. Maybe I'm not at the top of the mountain, but ... hang on ... sorry. A Sherpa just walked past. Gave the guy directions. So, where were we?
From: Brad Brezinski
Your incessant rambling on the Duke/Lance Thomas case is another sign of your failures to be a responsible journalist. Slanted arguments and biased reporting have no place in sports journalism and this article takes the cake proving your incompetency. Keep trolling. Duke = 2010 NCAA Men's Basketball Champions.
Let me guess: That last reader, Kate, is your wife! Do me a favor, my henpecked friend. Explain to her that I don't need "luck," that my career has reached a level where ... wait ... hold on ... another damn Sherpa. Look, dude, the peak is 50 feet or so that way. Keep going. You can do it.
From: Nick Colangelo
Your attack on Duke is a disgrace and you should lose your job over it. Duke has never had a major violation in 30 years under Coach K's watch and is not going to start now.
I agree with your last six words. Why? Because the NCAA will take a cue from your name, which is an anagram for -- swear to God -- "cancel looking."
From: Matt Whitesell
Name one thing Lance Thomas did that was in violation of the NCAA rules and I'll at least read your article.
This incredibly stupid Duke fan started stalking me on Twitter. I ignored him. Sent him into a rage.
From: Matt Whitesell
I tell ya what a--hole, your journalism is f---ing garbage, you write about pure bulls--t. Go f--k yourself.
I'm doubting this guy graduated high school, much less attended Duke.
From: Joe Clark
Your hatred of Duke is off-base and out of line. Try writing about something which might inspire, rather than degrade.
Just did -- I'm trying to inspire the NCAA to do the right thing with Duke. Stick your head back in the sand, Joe. No Sherpas where you work, I bet.
I hope that someday you have to meet Franco Harris and at that time you will find out what kind of a real man he is -- which is more then I can say for a coward hiding behind a desk.
Says the brave guy who is so mad at my story, he hopes someone ELSE beats me up.
From: Chris Toenies
Your obsession with Penn State is perplexing. Let it go, dude.
I know, Chris. Boys were raped by Jerry Sandusky while Paterno and his cronies kept winning football games -- but time has passed and I should forget about it. Like JoePa did.
From: Jared Brehm
YOU are the cowardly monster for not seeing the whole truth about Paterno. You never knew the guy, knew what kind of person he was. Why someone hasn't fired you is more of a tragedy than anything else. I hope you end up in a cell with Sandusky.
People like you support Paterno? Well then, maybe I should reconsider ...
Your tirade on Penn State was an absolute joke. You seriously must have an IQ under 50. I cannot believe that you actually have a job. Better chance of you burning in hell than Paterno. Go get hit by a bus, you cowardly POS.
... because I want to be just like you!
From: Billy Mack
Please stop with this nonsense that Duke is always able to get away with murder. It's unfair of you to issue a rallying cry to drag an entire university through the mud simply to satisfy the bloodlust and column deadline of a 40-something journalist who still dresses like he's a college student.
What does my wardrobe, which I've upgraded to business casual by the way, have to do with Duke getting away with stuff other schools don't? But I understand your tactics, Billy: Denial and deflection are all you have on this one.
From: Brian Frisch
If what allegedly happened with Lance Thomas is enough to call for Duke's 1999 and 2010 banners, when are you going to call for UNC's 2005 and '09 titles to be vacated given the rampant, university-led cheating to keep players eligible? I can only assume it is simply taking you longer to wade through the mass of UNC garbage before you submit that article. Right?
I submitted that article last month, you idiot. But anyway: Deflect, deflect, deflect!
After getting more than 10,000 visitors/day to my website I thought your website also needed unstoppable flow of traffic... Use this BRAND NEW software and get all the traffic for your website you will ever need ... In testing phase it generated 867,981 visitors and 540,340. Then another 86,299 in 90 days to be exact. That's 958.88 a day!
Denial is such an ugly thing, Duke fans.
XsHbiD a href=http: vnhzuam rimkj.com vnhzu amrim kja, url=http: kqnz. aqpew.com.
Worst case of denial I've ever seen.
From: Jeff Lackey
As long as we're talking about Lance Thomas and Corey Maggette, why not also talk about Duke boosters giving jobs to the parents of Chris Duhon and Carlos Boozer? The NCAA has a long history of ignoring issues at Duke.
But what about the stuff at Carolina? And what about my wardrobe? Those are the real issues here!
From: John S. Hudock
You are truly not a very nice human being. You sicken me with your perverted sense of righteous indignation. Franco Harris has done so much more with his life than you can ever dream of doing. What have you done?
Only this: When I learned that a handful of men had failed to protect children from a pedophile, I joined with other folks to pressure Penn State into firing those cowards. And I'll be damned -- it worked. That's what I've done, John. Maybe you heard about it.
From: Dave Doyle
You should come clean. You are a hater -- part of the lynch mob that feels better about the failings in their life by tearing down a truly good man.
Full confession: I hate that Joe Paterno did the legal minimum when told about a potential pedophile in his football building. I do hate that. The fact that you don't hate it? Baffles me. Children are more valuable than a winning football coach, you morally bankrupt jock-sniffer.
From: RST Summers, Part I
Ah ha. I have finally found you. I'm a Penn State alum, an attorney and someone who spent many years in the Central Pennsylvania area. Franco was my classmate back in the day, and is a man of utmost integrity and honesty. My work in retirement is to find all the clowns who would rather spew hate and stupidity to the masses than check their facts and make sure all their followers get the truth.
Is that your noble goal, lawyer? Well, let's go back to your second sentence. How long did it take you to "finally" find me? If it took you more than 10 seconds, you suck at research. I wonder what else you're lousy at? I stand notified of your intentions. Color me terrified.
From: RST Summers, Part II
Do not mention Penn State, Joe Paterno, Franco Harris or anyone else in the same paragraph as Jerry Sandusky or the word pedophile.
Hell, dude, you just put them in the same sentence, and Google will never forget. Which lawyer were you, anyway -- Larry, Curly or Moe?