National Columnist

Hate Mail: I've changed for the better, but these cliched readers haven't

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I don't know what the typical Hate Mail contributor looks like. I don't know who he is, what he does or where he lives.

But I know exactly how he thinks.

He thinks like this next guy. The clichéd Hate Mail contributor? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Michael Ramirez.

From: Michael Ramirez

So you're about to blow a gasket about a retired cyclist allegedly lying about something that happened a decade ago, but you're not particularly animated about the President of the United States lying to the American people about the murder of our Ambassador to Libya?

I'm a sportswriter, Michael. What animates me in the political world is much like the general concept of logic: unknown to you.

From: Marco

There's too much negativity emanating from your keyboard, bro. You've been accused in the past of disrespecting athletes for no reason, but your angry diatribe against A-Rod removes any doubt that you're a hater.

The word "bro" is ridiculous.

From: JRP

Tell me that you have read all the material in the USADA document, and then I'll listen to your instruction to Lance Armstrong.

All the material? All of it? Nah. That's more than 1,000 pages, bro.

From: Tyler

Lance Armstrong has redeemed himself by raising more than $500 million for cancer awareness. You think anyone in this country gives two craps about Tour de France titles? Lance will always be a legend.

Hey, everyone else, I have to ask: When I claim to speak for lots of people, do I come across as ill-informed as Tyler just did? Um, don't answer that.

From: Patrick Manson

Are you for real? Your support of Vick getting a dog is a slap into the face of the people who are on the front lines each day rescuing dogs from abuse. Learn the connection to dog abuse and serial killers.

A guy named Manson probably should avoid unnecessary references to serial killers.

From: Lack Jail

As Howard Stern said on his radio show this morning, letting Michael Vick have a dog is akin to letting Sandusky live across the street from a playground.

You have just demonstrated why smart people don't listen to Howard Stern.

From: zmfabowyey

AaUIqP a href=http:lgzb pbjqkr uq.com. lgzbpb jqkruqa, url=http: hstmh fekytfq.

I bet you don't listen to Stern either, my Spam-Bot friend.

From: Barb Hollingsworth

Lance Armstrong is a dirty piece of scum. No one should have mercy for this scoundrel. He is 10 times worse than Michael Vick.

Your calculator has a few screws loose. Or you do.

From: Rob Bartolini

What are you going to write about once this story goes away? Oh forget it -- I'm sure some other story will come up where you can tell us how morally superior you are. Douche.

Know what's scary, Rob? You think "this story" will just "go away." Sandusky raped dozens of kids. Penn State let it happen. And you think "this story" will just "go away"? My guess: You have no children. My hope: It stays that way.

From: Dan Thomas

You sure are milking this story for all you can get. Guess that's better than writing about something you know nothing about. Like sports.

In your worldview, I feel lucky that "this story" came along. In my worldview, I wish the whole damn thing had never happened. At the least, I wish Paterno and his gutless cronies had done the right thing more than a decade ago and stopped Sandusky's reign of terror. And I wish people like you could fathom just how awful an impression you make when you crawl out from your rock and write me.

From: R. Goldstein

You wrote that while Sandusky will die in prison, the internal trauma for his victims will never die. That's probably true. You've done a commendable job of moving on from your childhood trauma and making yourself a productive citizen. If you would step forward to publicly acknowledge what happened to you as a youth, I believe it would serve the greater good.

Nothing "happened" to me as a child, but I'm floored that you think it's funny to mock someone by calling them a sexual abuse victim. Your only saving grace is that you didn't sign your full name.

From: Wayne

Wasn't there a link to past Hate Mail columns? I've been away from Internet service for a period of time and wanted to catch up.

Google my name and "Hate Mail." Add a month and year, and there you go. As an aside, "been away from Internet service for a period of time" sounds like a euphemism for "been incarcerated."

From: BJ Hamm

I have little respect for this article. There are fanatics who take their allegiance too far at EVERY school, from the Harvey Updikes of the world to the disassociated fans at every major university. You're just an Alabama hater.

And you're a sad little Bama fan. You read the headline, skipped the actual column and then wrote me, assuming that I -- like most people -- said the teabagger was another example of Alabama fans being out of control. Truth is, I said the exact opposite. Because the truth is? I'm not like most people. You, on the other hand, are so common that you're a cliché. You sure your name isn't Michael Ramirez?

From: Jon Joseph

After reading your answer to John Horton in last week's Hate Mail, I must ask the following: What name on this list does not fit? Faulkner, Hemingway, Grisham.

Hey, be nice. On his best day, Hemingway belongs there.

From: Mike

Dude, fans have every right to boo. You wrote this article just to piss off Yankee fans.

I wrote this article because I mean it, and because I want fans of all teams, in all sports, to consider my opinion. But you think I wrote it "just to piss off Yankee fans"? Of course you do. Here's some free advice for you, Mike: Not everything is about you ... even when it IS about you.

From: Luis Ramirez

It's funny that an angry sportswriter who made a name for himself by hissing, booing and insulting sports figures has written a column admonishing Yankees fans for hissing, booing and insulting the Yankees.

Damn right I made a name for myself.

From: Danny Padgett

Damn, you HAVE changed. This is like your ninth straight piece that I've agreed with.

True, I've changed. I'm nicer now. More humble, too. Also I've gotten a lot better, you jerk.

P.S. Kidding, of course. Thank you. Shaddup.


Gregg Doyel is a columnist for CBSSports.com. He covered the ACC for the Charlotte Observer, the Marlins for the Miami Herald, and Brooksville (Fla.) Hernando for the Tampa Tribune. He was 4-0 (3 KO's!) as an amateur boxer, and volunteers for the ALS Association. Follow Gregg Doyel on Twitter.
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