So in the last installment of Hate Mail, I complained about some of the emails I get. Some people took that as a sign of weakness -- and you know how people are: When they smell weakness they come out from under their rock, blink at the sun and try to attack.
But before we get to those slimy creatures, let's start this bi-weekly edition of Hate Mail with an appearance from a protozoan. You know -- an invertebrate. No backbone. You follow? Good. Meet John.
HAHAHAHAHA you went to the University of Florida. No wonder you write like a 10-year-old. If I ever saw you out in the streets, I would beat the f---ing (crap) out of you and show you what it really feels like to get choked out you ugly piece of s---.
Says the fearless guy who signs his name "John." You didn't leave your last name, so let me guess: "Doe."
From: Marcus Bennett
If you hate your hate mail, then why continue to make a public spectacle out of it? Stop being such a drama queen, and stop running the Hate Mail column if it's so upsetting to you. Every sportswriter in America receives disagreeing emails from readers. But Gregg Doyel is the only one who allows it to get under his skin.
Your email reminds me of that passage in Tom Sawyer, where Sawyer uses reverse psychology to trick some rube into whitewashing a fence for him. I'm Tom Sawyer in this scenario. And Marcus? You're the rube.
From: Michael Ramirez
If you're so disgusted with the people who write letters to your Hate Mail, then why do you continue to run the column? It's your choice -- take responsibility for your own column. It seems like you like the idea of having a Hate Mail segment, but that you don't actually have a thick enough skin for it.
The fence is over yonder,
From: Scott Howe
What happened to Hate Mail???
I had to stop doing it. Was making me too sad. But now I'm staring at this unpainted fence, which makes me sadder. I wonder if I can get someone to help me ...
From: Ben Byrne
You could always stop doing Hate Mail, if it bothers you so much.
Sure, I'll let you paint the fence. But you have to pay $10 for the brush.
From: Mike Mahoney
I have always wondered how financial compensation works for internet-based columnists. Just wondering. What's the short version?
Short version? I get a few bucks every time someone paints my fence. As for income, put it this way: I wear cotton, not mink. See what I did there? #coats.
From: Tom Dill
At the beginning of the season, Vegas had the over/under on Colts wins at 5.5. Of course, being the hater that you are, you called the Colts awful and predicted one win. Typical lazy columnist. You obviously did zero research.
I did call the Colts awful. I did not predict they'd win one game. I wrote, and I quote, "the Colts will not be appearing in the playoffs or even winning half their games" -- but I did say they would top last season's total of two wins. My prediction wasn't great, no ... but your reading comprehension sucks.
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Discover the secret how you've achieved multiple ... No. 1 rankings? Such a great start to a phrase, Spam-Bot. Such an unhappy, er, ending.
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Now you're just talking gibberish.
Well Gregg please explain why women's golf tees are closer to the hole than the men? Or why the net in women's volleyball is lower? Or in basketball why is the ball smaller? There is a reason for all of that. It is based on physical traits of women. Not on their ability or talent.
You read my story on lowering the rim -- and deduced that I don't know there's a physiological difference between men and women? True, that story was a bit higher up the intellectual food chain than the stuff I normally write, but it wasn't THAT high up. Well, not for most people. Don't be upset, Matt. Everyone has a level. Yours is just below most people.
From: David Chen
I'm an LSU fan so I carry no water for Penn State, but I've noticed that just like a typical liberal, you wish to punish the wrong people. While it's true that the Paterno staff, the AD and a few university administrators behaved horribly in their handling of the Sandusky crimes, it's wrong of you to want to continue to punish them.
To find your level, David, locate that last dude's level. You're two rungs below him.
From: John Gates
You kill me Doyel! You spend the entire summer flinging mud at Penn State and Penn Staters, calling us pedophile-enabling cultists, and now you're stunned that we haven't withered and died? Perhaps if you'd done some actual journalistic work last summer you could have learned that Penn State is a vibrant community of over half-a-million students and alumni who have made incredible contributions to our society.
You condensed a dozen or so of my columns on the Penn State tragedy into a few sentences of absolute nonsense, probably because you're a guy who does most of his reading on Penn State message boards. The water gets a bit deeper here, and you can't handle it. Bet you'd look cute in some of these.
From: Mark Dumsha
I totally disagree with your statement that "a small but loud pocket of tasteless Penn State fans have played the victim card throughout this process." We ARE victims. We didn't turn a blind eye to what was going on. We didn't know. The people that did are being held accountable and Sandusky is in jail. We lost the ability to compete for a national championship and go to a bowl game for the next four years. We are victims -- not nearly to the extent of Sandusky's victims, but still victims.
From: K. John
Thanks for demonstrating yet again that you don't get it. The Freeh Report is in ashes, the media's fabricated narrative is falling apart. It has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that JoePa did the right thing. He is a hero. To say otherwise is a lie.
Put down your musket, rebel. The war's over. Your side lost.
From: Amy Howard
Thank you for the story on OUR Marcus Lattimore. In the upstate his life off the football field is fairly well known. I had a friend who was a huge Gamecock friend that passed away earlier this year at age 37 after fighting cancer. Her 13-year-old son, Gavin, is a huge Gamecocks fan and Marcus fan. Someone had written Marcus, I guess, and he sent Gavin an official autographed Gamecock helmet. All heart!
Marcus is the real deal. Hard to imagine a young man being so celebrated, and still so humble.
From: Sidney Williams
I mean, look at you. You look like an ugly redneck hater and it's quite clear that you could never get a girl or into UNC for that matter. It's clear that you have an inferiority complex because UNC's journalism school actually admits qualified people.
In spite of my inferior schooling, I made it far enough to be someone that you read, and then write, and then read again as I mock what you wrote. Be grateful I didn't go to UNC. With all that educational greatness at my disposal, I'd have you painting my fence and mowing my lawn.