National Columnist

Hate Mail: Wrestling with Gators, Tigers, other anonymous creatures

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My alma mater just finished off a $1.5 billion fundraising campaign, which is staggering for two reasons.

That's a lot of money ... and they did it without my help.

Considering my blind loyalty to the school, I've always thought the University of Florida -- my alma mater! -- under-utilizes me as a spokesman. People who send Hate Mail agree.

From: Brian D. Smith

I will file today's column in the "How to disparage your Alma Mater" folder. I am going to stop reading CBSSports.com until you write an article that actually praises Florida.

You sensitive little daffodil. Find a message board that'll tell you what you want to hear.

From: Kyle

You are an idiot. Period. Georgia had a chance to play in the national title game and that is all that matters. Who did UGA beat this year that makes them deserve Florida's spot in the Sugar Bowl?

Florida.

From: Lane Sievers

Your recent article stating anyone who wants the Auburn coaching position is a moron is insulting. Of course, it's what I would expect from someone from Florida, which is why I do not read your articles. Before you say, "She must have read this article to know what I wrote," I didn't. I merely read that one statement posted on a website I follow. I hope you enjoy your hate mail.

For someone who doesn't read me a lot, you sure do seem to read me a lot.

From: Jeff Mitchell

I just wanted you to know you don't eat crow. You eat rabbits -- five pounds worth of rabbits a week. You're now 16.5 feet and just over 100 pounds. Keep up the good work!

Jeff is from the Brookfield Zoo outside of Chicago. They named a snake after me. What of it?

From: John Hunter

Excellent job mimicking the snake in the Petrino story. The snake could easily pertain to Petrino as well, as I'm sure was your intention.

Good thing that zoo didn't name a donkey after me (shaddup). Last thing we need is me writing stories with an awful braying noise. We already have Goodman.

From: Bill Ford

The only idiot is you and any unfortunate soul stupid enough to read your yellow press tripe about the Auburn job. What do you know? Nothing. Precisely. Yawn!!

A yawn expresses boredom. Exclamation marks express intense emotion. You can't feel both at the same time, unless you have a split personality. Say ... if you do have a split personality, let your other half write me next time. This side of you was a disappointment.

From: Emma Decker

Your column on Ohio State is f---ing ridiculous. They f---ing cheated so they deserve everything they get. Last season they could have self-imposed a bowl ban when they went 6-6 but the school's AD is a moron, which I am pretty sure you've written about, so f--- you.

Is that you in there, Bill Ford? Is this another one of your personalities coming out? This one is a female and curses like a sailor. Probably, Bill, this side of you is compensating for your painfully small ... vocabulary.

From: Kelly Bustard

Right, the SEC is overrated. Compared to the rest of the also-rans in college football, the SEC is the NFL by comparison. Expert Columnist? I think not. Idiot.

Got to say, I'm impressed that you never had your last name legally changed. Maybe you didn't know you could.

From: kioseaeqtj

imnQg2 a href=http: ellfnt yfqiws.com ellfn tyfqiwsa. url=http: hgwsi nocr hgx.com. gwsinocrhgx url, ink=http. Sowx.

Hang on, Spam-bot. Back to the last dude. "Kelly Bustard" is an anagram for Balky Strudel. That wouldn't be a bad name. It's also an anagram for Darkest Bully. Menacing is better than preposterous.

From: jljjit

SO2eh2 a href=http:. Cnuop zqcfnbs.com. cnuo pzqcf nbsa, url. http:jhka. zaidapwe.com.

Also it's an anagram for Bleakly Turds. Close -- but I guess I'd take Kelly Bustard over that.

From: Emil Bertalot

I have never -- ever -- had the time or inclination to write a sportswriter, but I'm making an exception. Want to know why? The McGreggy you wrote about. That thing sounds awesome. I've got the fat-free American, the sugarless syrup, the Canadian bacon. I plan to substitute egg beaters for your egg and a half, and I'll have to get some cinnamon bread. But damn that sounds gastronomically perfect.

For five or six years, I've made a McGreggy a day. Every day. It's tasty, it's healthy, and I'm compulsive.

From: Michael Shore

SMU has more sports tradition than any Big East charter member. We've given the sports world Don Meredith and Doak Walker.

The Death Penalty. That's what you gave us. You gave us the Death Penalty -- and Craig James. Thanks, SMU. Thanks a lot.

From: Brian Murphy

In response to your reference to Tulane lacking tradition, prestige and accomplishment, I would like to point out that Tulane -- a charter member of the SEC -- has been playing football since 1893.

Without winning a damn thing.

From: Rob Bartolini

I don't know what it is about you that pisses me off. Maybe the smug look on your picture, maybe your arrogant demeanor and holier-than-thou attitude. Maybe because you're a Gator. I wish I could pinpoint it.

All of the above? Plus, my general sense of fearlessness can be off-putting to weaker men, which is to say, you.

From: Mister Anonymous

There are a lot of sportswriters who think Gregg Doyel is a moron and a drama queen. I'm one of them.

There are a lot of people who lack the courage to sign their name to an email. You're one of them. So is this next guy -- which makes sense, seeing how this next guy is you.

From: Sports Commentator

I do sports TV commentating, and I have to tell you, Gregg, your whole "woe-is-me, I'm a victim of cruel readers who send me hate mail" schtick is really weak. Your constant self-appointed victim status is unbecoming, unprofessional and quite frankly makes you sound like a guy who lacks toughness. You're a talented writer, but you should know that some people among the sports media think you're a thin-skinned narcissist.

Your first sentence is fiction. And it was downhill from there.

From: Bob Golic

Are we just going to pretend you didn't say before the year started that Ohio State wouldn't win eight games?

I said it two years ago -- and I was right. Ohio State's record in 2011 was 6-7. I'm good ... and you're obsessed.

From: James Clay

Saw the article on the coaching vacancy at Auburn. Not to nitpick, but you wrote "cache" when the word you meant was cachet.

As a kid I played croquet when I visited my granddad. Which is relevant here, because I learned to read by scanning the sports page of his newspaper in Shawnee, Okla.

From: Tip Roast

Cachet is the word you were thinking about.

I was thinking about crochet, actually. Got knitting on the brain.

From: Superior Editor

A cache is a hiding place. Cachet means status. You meant cachet.

Second-guessing is passé. Or did I mean cliché?


Gregg Doyel is a columnist for CBSSports.com. He covered the ACC for the Charlotte Observer, the Marlins for the Miami Herald, and Brooksville (Fla.) Hernando for the Tampa Tribune. He was 4-0 (3 KO's!) as an amateur boxer, and volunteers for the ALS Association. Follow Gregg Doyel on Twitter.
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