National Columnist

Hate Mail: Trying to clear up confusion only makes it worse

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People seem confused by my stories on Art Modell, Steve Gleason, Chris Culliver and Manti Te'o -- and in their confusion, they got me confused. I'll try to make some sense of it here, but I'm going to fail.

Hate Mail just isn't that smart. But it's smarter than this first guy, who takes an analogy and tortures it with everything but ice picks and a water board.

From: Danny P.

Screw Baltimore. The city embraced a team/owner that ripped the hearts out of Browns fans the same way Mr. Irsay ripped out the hearts of Colts fans back in 1984. That would be like your wife cheating on you and ripping out your heart and then you cheating with a married woman whose husband dearly loves her.

Huh? I tried to diagram your sentence on a piece of paper, just to keep up with that analogy, but before I got to the married woman -- whose husband dearly loves her -- I ran out of room. I should've done it in chalk ... on my driveway.

From: Ryan

You are a horrendous writer, a terrible person and an embarrassment to journalists everywhere. You must have brain damage from being choked out repeatedly. I bet you think you're pretty clever with Hate Mail. In reality it just makes you sound like a douche trying to deflect the fact that any open criticism of your work scars you deeply. You are pathetic. Please choose a different line of work.

I stopped reading after your first five words. It's like starting an email to Mozart: "You are a horrendous pianist." Well, OK, it's not really like that, seeing how Mozart was never alive for email. I should have diagrammed this sentence on my driveway before writing it here. Would've spotted my mistake there ...

From: Bill Girdner

You say Chris Culliver gave us what "we" wanted. Don't project your ignorance and hatred of gays onto other people. If you enjoyed his hateful comments, then you can do a spirited end zone dance in your Fruit of the Looms in the privacy of your own living room. But please don't play the Obama card of, "Well, uh, all you jerks are doing it, too!"

I'm gonna need my driveway and maybe some of the street to make sense of your email -- starting with the fact that, although I made it exceptionally clear what I thought of Culliver's comments, you missed it. You couldn't have missed it worse with your first two sentences, but then I'll be damned: Your email got dumber.

From: Jeff

Your take on Art Modell is way off. He wanted to stay in Cleveland and gave that city every chance to keep the team. You're a f---ing douchebag.

You'd be right, if it weren't for all those pesky facts that say you're wrong.

From: A. A. Malik

As a practicing Muslim, I take exception to your inference that I am inherently ignorant, and perhaps even a bad person simply because I condemn the homosexual lifestyle. If you publicly insult Islam's tenets, you risk the possibility of creating animosity. Make your stand known publicly. Do you insult Islam?

If this happened in person, I'd be looking for the guy holding a video camera. This feels like something straight out of Punk'd. You're not serious, right?

From: Dr. Jackson

When you claim that ALS picked the wrong person when it hit Steve Gleason, it implies that there are right people for it to pick. And that is just a crazy premise. Do you believe that some people are more deserving of ALS than others? And if so, who are the types of people who are more deserving of ALS?

You HAVE to be jerking my chain. Come on. Stop it. Ashton, is that you?

From: Gregg Sixty

Choke on a d--k, you f--k. Thanks for lumping a whole fan base into the word "thug." You've obviously never seen real 49ers fans in the Bay Area. You probably don't know this, but Candlestick Park is in the biggest ghetto in San Francisco. Once the 49ers move out of that dump, things will be all right.

So in other words, I'm right ... but you're mad at me anyway. I need some smarter Hate Mailers, you know that?

From: Matt

Your a Hack Doyle.

Your You're not the Hate Mailer I had in mind, Matt.

From: Robont57

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I was wondering where you were going, then realized you're a Spam-Bot. Awww. Your computer program is on the fritz. Heartbreaking.

From: Why Wenti

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I'm onto you, you wily Spam-Bot.

From: Jason

If I hate Ray Lewis then why the hell would I miss the bastard? Shutup.

Given that I answered your question for almost 1,000 words, there seems to be an intellectual disconnect here. Given that you can't even spell "shut up" correctly, the disconnect seems to be on your end.

From: BuckeyeBeau

You. Are. A. Hypocrite. You spend your professional life humiliating people to amp up your page views. Now you want to call the dogs off Te'o. I agree 100 percent, but coming from YOU? That's the height of hypocrisy.

I never try to humiliate anyone, but when I do I do it to people who deserve it. Te'o doesn't deserve it. See the difference? Critical thinking just isn't that hard, my friend. Grab some crayons and come to my house. You can have my driveway for a while.

From: Jeff Kahrs

The problem with letting Te'o off the hook is that it lets all of the Golden Domers off the hook yet again. Until Notre Dame is recognized as the blight that it is on college football, every chance to bring it down must be taken.

You're not OK. Get help.

From: Tim Hawk

Let me know next time you make it out to the 'Stick ...

Why? So you can prove 49ers fans aren't violent psychopaths by beating me up? Get in line behind that last dude for some help. Actually, cut in front of him please.

From: Tony

Lifelong 49ers season ticketholder here. Haven't missed a game in 15 years and have seen over 25 of their games on the road -- and you are 100 percent correct about the fans. Worst element in the NFL next to the Raiders. It all changed about eight years ago. I have an explanation but I won't go into it.

Sounds like you'll be at the 'Stick before I will, Tony. Maybe you can have some words with that last dude, Tim Hawk. Bring your Kevlar. Tim's not OK.


Gregg Doyel is a columnist for CBSSports.com. He covered the ACC for the Charlotte Observer, the Marlins for the Miami Herald, and Brooksville (Fla.) Hernando for the Tampa Tribune. He was 4-0 (3 KO's!) as an amateur boxer, and volunteers for the ALS Association. Follow Gregg Doyel on Twitter.
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