Now while we're for anything that will make the Barry Bonds home run chase seem just a bit less like being forced to eat your vegetables in a penal colony, we're not sure that watching Russ Springer get four free shots at his head is the answer.
|Just in case you missed Barry Bonds being drilled by Russ Springer ... (AP)|
But this isn't about the Bonds chase, if that's what it can be called, but all the things that await you by skipping the whole pie fight/slow-motion athletic funeral. Nobody has been declared so done by so many people in so many ways over such a short period of time, and yet once he does hit the next two homers the news of his demise will have been deemed to be greatly exaggerated.
Until his next home run drought. Then, he'll be done again.
But there we go, getting sucked into the Bondsian vortex again, when all we wanted to do was list all the stuff you've missed along the way, like:
- Viva fifth grade math: Justin Gatlin's world record in the 100 meters has been downgraded to a tie because someone forgot to round off his time to the nearest hundredth. Hell, my 11-year-old son needs a job, and he can do that.
- Kill the messenger, then get a drink: Georgia and Florida want CBS to stop calling their annual football game The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party because two students have died in the past two years. This is brilliance itself, because it proves yet again that in these United States there is no such thing as a problem until TV gets wind of it.
- Notre Dame's new scheduling policy for football has them going to neutral sites to play mediocre teams, and its idea of a neutral site is bowl fixtures. This is known as greasing the path, as though having its own TV contract isn't good enough, and it will work because Charlie Weis made it so.
- Reggie Bush has to go to the NFL to get permission to wear No. 5 this season, but for a trading card photo shoot, he will wear both 5 and 25, in part because the one he doesn't use might become more valuable. In the SEC, this is called stock manipulation. In the trading card world, this is called "sucker."
- And if you don't believe that, remember the Alex Gordon story?
- If there has been a poorer-played double overtime game in modern history than Clippers-Suns 5, chances are that it was being fixed by two different sets of gamblers.
- Amid rumors that Larry Brown might be bought out by the Knicks for $25 million, and competing claims by his agent that Brown isn't leaving unless he gets fired and is paid the full $40 million still owed him, it suddenly occurs that based on this calculation alone, Stephon Marbury is worth an additional $15 million.
- Somewhere, Bugsy Engelberg is grinding his teeth down to a fine white powder: Joe DiMaggio's grandchildren are auctioning off a lot of his personal effects this weekend in New York, all the way down to frequent flyer cards.
- No word from George Steinbrenner on how this could have been Alex Rodriguez' fault: The Yankees come from nine runs down to beat Texas.
- It's a good news-bad news thing, sort of: The U.S. national soccer team has dropped from fourth into a tie for fifth in the FIFA rankings, but the four-team grouping for the World Cup to which they belong (Ghana, the Czech Republic, and match-fixers extraordinaire Italy) has been renamed the Group of Graft.
- It's a citizenship thang: In Canada, there has been an ongoing debate about whether Doug Flutie could get into the Hall of Fame, which ends as soon as anyone realizes that almost none of the voters can name the number of Canadian Football League teams, let alone their names.
- One good reason to root for the Mavs: The ashen look on David Stern's face when he hands Mark Cuban the Larry O'Brien Trophy and is handed a manila envelope containing $650,000 or so in fines ... all on national television.
- And finally, just the one Bonds thing: Houston manager Phil Garner defended pitcher Russ Springer by saying he missed with a slider, as though he were just Shaquille O'Neal at the free throw line. In fact, it looks like he missed with three sliders but got him with the fourth, which come to think of it is a lot like Shaquille O'Neal at the free throw line.