Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do ... ?

If there was ever a better symbol of how some of our sports figures have become inebriated with their own uber-celebrity while marinating heartily in a stew of self-importance, it might be the supposed multitasking of one Eddie Griffin, who is alleged to have mastered the fine art of simultaneously driving drunk while masturbating.

Shot-blocking Eddie Griffin is a master of multi-tasking while behind the wheel. (Getty Images)

Now, this is no small chore. Such a trick takes extensive training -- think Uma Thurman in Kill Bill: Volume 2. Trips to Asia, teachings from a masturbation master, maybe drinking lessons from Bob Huggins and advanced training from Paul Reubens. Improper hand-eye coordination leading to a lashing with a bamboo stalk. Don't chuckle. Learning how to drive while doing you-know-what must be as difficult as astronaut training.

Griffin is a center for the Minnesota Timberwolves and became national news recently when a lawsuit accused him of driving his tank-sized Cadillac Escalade SUV drunk while also watching pornography.

We all do that, don't we? Grocery shop, pick up the dry cleaning, catch some porn between errands while motoring down the boulevard. What's the big deal here?

Griffin has denied the accusations, and maybe they are exaggerated. Or maybe they are true. The veracity or lack thereof has not stopped Griffin from emerging as the butt of jokes and one of many symbols of athlete arrogance. The oddness of it all in fact brought this to mind: Is it just me or are there more turds in the sports world than ever before? More bad boy jocks committing an increasing number of dastardly acts?

Peruse the sports landscape and you would think we live in the most turdulent of times. The head butt felt 'round the World Cup, football players accused of raping an 11-year-old girl, the thug-o-rama happenings in Cincinnati with the Bengals. ("Hmmm, do I have the fellas wear the orange jumpsuits on the road or the striped ones?" coach Marvin Lewis might wonder.)

Poll Who's the biggest 'turd?' 52% Barry Bonds   10% Chris Henry   23% Jose Canseco   4% Manny Ramirez   2% A.J. Nicholson   9% Zinedine Zidane   Total Votes: 14118

Barry "Chuckles" Bonds faces a federal indictment, some members of the Duke lacrosse team allegedly pillaged their campus like Roman centurions, and sports franchise owners use blogs as bully pulpits to bash any bloke who dares to belittle his ballplayers.

Boston Red Sox superstar Manny Ramirez, Dr. Strange-glove himself, can't muster enough decency to hop on a short flight and attend the All-Star Game. He was too busy, or his knee hurt, or some other such nonsense. Meanwhile, the interminable Jose Canseco has pulled the turd trifurcate. He once pumped so much juice in his veins he could have placed in the Kentucky Derby, then he penned a tell-all snitch-fest and now claims baseball is engaged in some sort of convoluted conspiracy.

Here a turd, there a turd, everywhere a turd, turd. Or so it seems, at least. There are love boats and gun-totting punks, gambling addicts and bar room brawlers, drunks and violent mascots, verbally abusive athletic directors and gangja connoisseurs.

"I thought I knew how to party," Ty Cobb might say, "but I ain't got nothing on these guys."

My love for sports despite Invasion of The Turds has not waned. Sports still serves as great escapism from the various world crises and the many draining aspects of everyday living. There are of course an army of decent people in sports who represent their teams and various leagues with dignity and professionalism.

It just feels like we have reached a tipping point where the bad acts are starting to outnumber the class ones.

And this is not about wanna-be Spicolis, dudes hanging 10, just a prank or two here and there. Words that constantly creep across the CBS SportsLine.com wires are ugly ones like "rape" and "drugs" and "assault" and "indictment."

Part of the perception that athletes have run amok is media driven. I'll grant you that. Writers, radio heads and Web geeks are keeping a closer eye on coaches and athletes, watching and chronicling every belch and traffic ticket like nosey tattletales, setting up websites such as Badjocks.com ("Where Cops meets SportsCenter" says the site.)

Maybe it is that constant news cycle, which has become a jiggling, bulging vortex, craving for a headline, and thus it only seems like we live in an athletes-gone-wild world. Maybe the perceived problem is more allegory than algorithm.

Or could it be that the sports world has actually become a place where bad boys rule and those who dare to criticize are portrayed by athletes and fans as dopes or haters?

"As athletes they are invincible and unaccountable," said Kathy Redmond, the founding director of the National Coalition Against Violent Athletes. "Their behavior is dismissed by coaches and fans as 'boys will be boys.' There is a peer pressure to misbehave and push the bounds of what is acceptable. It's part of a power trip in which athletes have a support system that shields them from any type of consequence for their actions."

"Put it this way, when you are surrounded by people telling you that you are great," Redmond added, "from the time you are an adolescent through to adulthood, and for every problem you've created, someone has been there to pick up your mess, you are conditioned to think you are immune from punishment. This is the world of an athlete, from Little League to the professional ranks. It's part of the culture and it is accepted by society. And it's very much accepted by the legal system."

In other words, it's an athlete's world. The rest of us are just commuters, trying to drive home without getting run over by ambidextrous NBA players.