Just sit right back and read Hate Mail ...
Updated Dec. 14
You wouldn't believe the people who write me. This week brought notes from Juilliard, Gilligan's Island and the world's worst blogger. I treated all of them the same.
I love Hate Mail.
From: Neel Modha
Gregg Doyel is by far the worst sports writer I have read. First, his emotions clearly overtake any logic (as shown by his most recent tirade on Allen Iverson). Second, if you have ever read his responses to readers' opinions, Doyel almost never responds in a manner to vindicate himself or his ideas.
Your name is an anagram for "lemonhead."
From: Gene
I was going to write something snappy and derogatory to you, much like your article about the Giants, but then I remembered what my mother always told me about individuals such as yourself. "Don't argue with stupid people. They will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience."
Your mother won't stop flirting with me.
From: jonathan
While you did successfully track down my family's vacation home, alas you've missed me. If it helps you at all (it won't), I'm writing this from Rio. I'm here for work. I'm too tired to be very clever right now, so I will offer you a friendly farewell. While I do enjoy the process of castigating you (usually ineffectively), it is mostly just to take a break from life, which is infinitely more important than sports. So keep having fun, and remember that there are some jobs out there that are even more fun than yours.
Oh, I'll have my fun. And remember, as I told you last week: Don't dare me to look you up. Because I'm getting pretty good at it. When SportsLine.com gets rid of me -- tick, tick -- I'm going to be a private dick. Instead of the public one I've been for years.
From: John Bingham
I hadn't read your column in a while because you seemed like an idiot. But this article on baseball writers turning their backs on Big Mac -- who so inspired them in 1998 -- makes me think you're not the idiot I thought you were. Thanks for clearing that up.
One more convert.
From: alex morrison
You clearly know nothing about basketball, or Allen Iverson. Please kill yourself.
Damn, that's rude.
From: alex morrison
I kindly reiterate, please kill yourself.
How did this bottle of pills get into my hand?
From: alex morrison
Sorry for the scathing e-mails from last night. Just a little fired up about the impending loss of Mr. Iverson from the Sixers. Keep up the bad work.
Whew. I live to see another day.
From: Tristan Meyer
I respect your stance. As a former college columnist I know where you are coming from. However, I look forward to your column explaining why you were wrong about Iverson. Maybe they can replace your picture with a picture of A.I. hoisting the NBA Finals MVP trophy. I can't wait.
You seem like a nice kid (looked you up), but don't you ever try to insinuate yourself as my equal. "As a former college columnist" you know where I am coming from? You know what I tell you, son, and I'm telling you ... those were my towels you picked up last summer at Treasure Island Resort. You had greatness in your hand, and didn't know it.
From: nestor
Why are you such a complete and total a--hole? Is it your mother's fault? Is it CBS's? Is it some adopted attitude from the right-wing lunatics in charge of the country for the last six years? Holy sheeps---, I haven't come across such pure limp-d---ed, unadulterated a--holishness since eighth grade at private school. I pray to the heavens that I may have the privilege of never, ever coming across another column of yours or having to read a single syntactical element created by your hand. Please kill yourself. Thanks.
I'm getting tired of being asked to kill myself.
From: Jose
F--- yourself.
That's more like it.
From: justin messina
Your article on Iverson is an embarrassment to journalists of all fields. However, on one point you are absolutely right, Iverson is a ball hog. He must be, right? I mean, I would much rather have had the ball in the hands of Kyle Korver or Kevin Ollie. The basketball intelligence of Samuel Dalembert is staggering -- give him the ball, he can really see the floor. But no, somehow Allen Iverson looks down court at the beginning of each play and comes to the ridiculous conclusion that maybe he should hold on to the ball and try to make a play. Please stop writing in the English language and return to whatever career you passed up as a young man.
No one's ever written me from Juilliard. I listened to some of your stuff. Next time, try a little less oboe.
From: Jack Hinrichs
I just wasted five minutes reading your column about secretary of defense Bob Gates. And now I will waste another five minutes in an attempt to waste your time. I actually think it's great that Gates tried to connect with the students in the manner he did. And frankly, wouldn't you prefer to have a secretary of defense that cares enough about the people he leads to get in touch with them on a personal level?
I just wasted 30 seconds looking you up. Did you sell that 2003 Dakar yet?
From: Greg Bergeron
Look at you ... Mr. Internet Tough Guy calling me a knucklehead in your column and telling me to shut up. You're my hero.
AggieGreg06? Is that you? I'm honored. Now shut up, knucklehead.
From: Cody Hill
I am at work as I read the ridiculous words you wrote about Dr. Gates. I have no time now to even begin to reply to what you've written, but stay tuned. You will hear my opinion.
Hurry, hurry!
From: Bob Denver
I read your piece on Dr. Gates and think you're a tool.
Gilligan? I'm being hate-mailed by Gilligan? From the grave?
From: Andy McNeel
Dr. Gates visiting TexAgs.com while school president isn't irresponsible ... it's called keeping a hand on the pulse of everything related to your job. Perhaps you should do the same.
Found your blog and became the 17th person in 16 months to click on your bio. Awww. As for that "job" comment ... I keep my hand on my pulse at least once a day. Twice if the mood strikes.
From: mark
I'm a Democrat. Your poorly conceived column on Dr. Gates demonstrates why so many people have so little respect for sports writers. You and NBA players deserve each other.
I'm a Democrat, too. Your poorly conceived e-mail demonstrates why I have such little respect for your opinion. You and Ted Kennedy deserve each other.
From: Chris Cutkomp
The black helicopters have not yet come for me, though my public association with you (as a result of the mailbag) likely increases the chances of being uprooted and confined to Gitmo or Abu Ghraib where I might be water-boarded or subject to having to participate in a naked pyramid. But if I must participate in a naked pyramid, I'd like for you to be part of it. You mustn't pretend -- I know you're as gay as I am. No hetero quotes a Bette Midler song in his bio, unless he's attempting to covertly transmit signals to those of us sports fans who have gay-dar. I thought it was cute how you even try to throw a red herring by also quoting that famous homophobe Eminem. Look, in your original bio from last year, you mentioned you are a big fan of the author of Fight Club, and if that isn't the most homoerotic novel, then Elton John is straight.
I'm thinking now of another Eminem song -- Stan. Let's forget this whole exchange ever happened, Chris, and move on from here.
