Introducing, the 2006 All-Selfish team. They love themselves; they really, really, love themselves.
Your favorite national columnist searched high and wide for candidates. Terrell Owens' condo. Barbaro's 100 acre estate. Bill Parcells' belly fat. Doyel's Hate Mail. Pete Prisco's grades. Under Floyd Landis' helmet.
It was exhaustive, detailed; it made my corns hurt it was so thorough.
Here it is: The list. The winner of each category receives a lovely, shiny new mirror, so they can do what they love to do best: look longingly at their reflection and refuse to get over themselves.
|Me, Floyd Landis, cheat? Not even possible. (US PRESSWIRE)|
And the mirror goes to ... Landis. Remember, kids, performance enhancing drugs cause shrinkage, and the distribution of a mirror.
Midfielder. Candidates: Lone entry is Zinedine Zidane, the French head-butter. Mirror, si'l vous plait?
Forward (NBA). Candidates: Denver's Carmelo Anthony. Needs a mirror to practice his punching; Sacramento's Ron Artest. Rapper, ball player, man of peace.
And the mirror goes to ... Anthony. Though you cannot break a mirror by slapping it.
Guard. Candidates: Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant. An eternal candidate, endorsed by mirrors everywhere; Denver's Allen Iverson. You talking about mirrors, man, mirrors!
And the mirror goes to ... Bryant. He recently ripped another player for shooting too much. Bryant. Chastising someone else. For shooting too much. No, really. You do not need a mirror to see the irony.
Running back. Candidates: Only one. Hall of Famer Emmitt Smith. Did the tango. That's just wrong, worthy of a big, fat mirror.
Wide receiver. Candidates: Dallas Cowboy Terrell Owens, wearer of Santa hats. Twenty-five million reasons why he deserves the mirror: Cincinnati's Ocho Cinco. He would like to build one mega-mirror and be its sole user: New York's Plaxico Burress. A personal foul in one hand, a mirror in the other: Jerry Rice. Did the tango, part two. And the mirror goes to ... by far the toughest competition but Owens is the reason NASA is working on the largest mirror ever built. It and Owens will be launched into deep space sometime next year. And please, Mr. Owens, no spit polishing of the mirrors.