Quarterback. Candidates: Peyton Manning: Twice throws his teammates under the hoof in one year. Michael Vick: Publicly daydreams of having better receivers.
And the mirror goes to ... Manning. He tries to portray himself as Andy Griffith, the great team player, but every now and then, the true Stat Boy emerges and stares into the mirror.
Animal category. Candidates: Barbaro. People cried over a horse. Rufus: Won best in show in Westminster.
And the mirror goes to ... Barbaro. Mirrors love the horsies.
Athletic director. Jeremy Foley, University of Florida. Sole candidate. His assistants call radio station executives trying to get members of the media fired for simply disagreeing with Foley. Yells at media over the telephone. Cracks mirrors by screaming. Mirror winner.
Coach/manager. Candidates: Former coach Jim Mora: Said Vick was a coach killer. Mora is a mirror killer. Atlanta's Jim Mora Jr.: Longed after another man's job during a radio interview. This is believed to be the first father-son mirror candidates. Arizona State's Dennis Erickson: Bolts Idaho for the Sun Devils after professing his love for Idaho, potatoes and mirrors.
And the mirror goes to ... Erickson. Idaho is in his rearview mirror.
Owner. Dallas' Jerry Jones: Signed Owens. Deep in the heart of Texas, not enough mirrors to go around. New York Knicks owner James Dolan: Blamed Larry Brown for all of the Knicks' current woes.
And the mirror goes to ... Jones. By a nose. Give the man his damn mirror.
The 2006 All-Selfish Team Rookie of the Year. Carmelo Anthony.
Offensive Player of the Year. (tie) Mark McGwire, for disappearing during the St. Louis World Series, and Barry Bonds, for not disappearing period. Enjoy the mirror.
Defensive Player of the Year. The Miami football program. Mirrors broken during brawls will lead to seven years of the Alamo Bowl.
MVP. Bode Miller. Had a few beers, met a few ladies, went 0-for-5 in the Olympics. Mirror lovers always get their priorities straight.
Lifetime achievement award. Owens. Destroyer of now three teams. Four, anyone?
Media entry. The NFL analyst who shall not be named that took a picture of his penis with a cell phone camera and has shown it to numerous, uncomfortable women, then was suspended by his network for it. Absolute true story. Please make sure to clean off the mirror when you are done with it.
Hopefully, next year's All-Selfish Team will have fewer candidates.
But the way things are going in sports, the list might just keep growing and growing.
We need more mirrors.