"May I mow my dog in the banana patch?"

Around 11am Saturday, that sentence would have made perfect sense to me. But let me back up a little bit and explain.

Saturday marked the 13th Annual SportsLine Golf Scramble. There's really only about six to eight real golfers in this company, so imagine that it was like Caddy Day like in Caddyshack -- only it was Dobish playing Bill Murray's role. A pond was good for him.

Since we aren't great golfers, this was pretty much just an excuse for a get-together for free food, drinks and fun -- with heavy emphasis on the last two.

I was all set to start the tourney with what I hoped to be one fun foursome. But I went with Jamey Eisenberg, Corey Guerrera and Ashley Frisch instead. We were Team Gator (three alums and me, a USF guy). Actually, Frisch you might remember for her previous blog appearance at the Jimmy Buffett concert. She's all sorts of fun. She's getting married in a few months to Corey. I hear they've registered at ABC Liquors, if you wanna buy 'em something. I've got dibs on the his/hers keggerators.

Corey's a good man as well. He reminds me a little of Fred Savage -- if Fred Savage were stung by a thousand bees. I think Corey starred in "The Wonder Bread Years."

And Eisenberg? He's kinda like that guy at your work that's always smiling -- but you're pretty sure he has a couple of dead bodies in a freezer at home.

We showed up at the course at 7am, which is usually around the time Dobish just gets the party started. He's a nighttime guy at SportsLine, which means the sun is really just a rumor to him. So he came prepared with two pitchers of punch -- one with what tasted like tequila, grapefruit juice and Pine Sol, and the other I believe was vodka mixed with the runoff of a downtown sewer … Yet I kept coming back for more, strangely enough. I had a couple good shots of it before the first tee. That should give you an idea of how the day started.

I am the Kyle Petty of golf. I am the guy that has played golf for a little over 20 years now, but I'm still being outplayed by the guy that "just learned the game." There's a long line of great golfers in my family, but it's like I'm allergic to the hole. I gave up a long time ago trying to become a better golfer. I've just accepted my deficiencies -- sort of the way Emack has accepted the fact that he has a bad haircut. It just is.

George Wakeling, easily one of the best golfers at our company, once joined me in a round of golf, with hopes of correcting my slice. He spent the next six weeks in therapy and he still can't even swim in the gulf now without yelling, "KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!!!" He's Australian too -- so you know what that means. (I have no idea, but I'm sure there's some sort of stereotype out there for Australians that I'm missing.)

Corey and Jamey were expected to be the anchors of our team, while we crossed our fingers for Ashley and me to make a couple shots. Even that little hope was almost gone just one swing into the tournament.

I whiffed to start our round.

I'd say I topped it a little -- it did come off the tee -- but I'm pretty sure that was from the wind of my club paired with the wind from the laughter from the team behind us. Then Ashley dropped a 12-foot par putt on the first hole. So I was officially the weakling. That's OK, I figured, I only had 17 more holes of "No, Gonos, that's a good shot. You might be able to find that one!"

But after that first hole, I settled down. We actually ended up using like seven or eight of my drives on the front nine! I have a Jackie Mason-like slice. I literally aim about 45 degrees to the left on the tee box to try to land in the fairway. I've seen male hair stylists that were straighter. But on this day, my slice was more like an opening parenthesis than a McDonald's arch. Life was good.

It's a good thing I started hitting well because Ashley became quite ill early on in the round. I've never heard of someone getting sick before they drank, but THAT's how committed she was to this team. Actually, she had some Taco Bell the night before that upset her stomach. Come on. That's like saying Dave Richard looks like he ate two men named Dave and Richard. Isn't that obviously the end result?

The highlight of the first three rounds was watching Ashley make a puke bunker behind her cart for the next team to play through. "This mud puddle smells like a Chalupa!" At one point, Ash was taking care of business in one of the few restrooms on the course, when Dobish parked her cart in front of the bathroom door, keeping her imprisoned in what I can only imagine was a wonderful smell. She finally had to go home, so Brother Frisch graciously came and picked her up. I heard they went straight to Arby's for some Beef-n-Cheddars for breakfast.

Intermission.

Where was I? Oh yeah, so I'm hitting the ball pretty well off the tee. On a Closest-to-the-Pin par-3, I knocked a shot within about 20 feet from the hole, beating out George Wakeling. Just like in real life, I had him by about four inches.

I'm feeling good! It's like 10:30, I have a nice buzz going after a few more beers and visits to Dobish's battery acid punch. We even met up with another group of golfers that actually looked happier than us! Larry Rubio, Kate and Jocelyn looked like they had been drinking some of Grandpa's cough medicine by the time I got to them. Fazal, their sober counterpart, had the look of Damien's babysitter. You could tell he was enjoying their antics (Rubio brought some spiked watermelon and Jocelyn had a 55-gallon drum of vodka with her), but Fazal was also checking to make sure all of his insurance premiums were paid up -- just in case.

At one point, I even got to watch one of the females do some impromptu jumping jacks for us! I won't say who, as not to embarrass her, but her name does rhyme with Jocelym. I believe it was at that point that I texted her a marriage proposal.

Then, that lovable, zany, goofy, practical-joking foursome behind us (Michele, Prouty, Robb Monteiro and Corey "Buckeyes + championship game = THE runner-ups" Tiger) decided to undo Jamey's strap on the golf cart, so his golf bag would fall off as soon as we took off. From what I gather, this group was also using joy-buzzers, whoopee cushions and itching powder on people. (Actually, the golfcart strap is a classic move, but I have to act bitter and I'll tell you why.)

Once the clubs fell, I turned right, to see what the commotion was, Jamey steered the cart left -- and I was immediately deposited onto the fairway of Hole No. 10 without much fanfare. I landed on my back and my head bounced on the ground like a Letterman watermelon thrown from a roof -- at least, that's what it felt like.

I sat there blinking for what seemed like an eternity -- or the length of this blog, whichever is shorter. I remember thinking that I needed to punch someone. After watching stars and cartoon birds circle around my head for a few minutes, I came to. Why Corey was giving me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, I'm still unsure. But somebody's got some 'splaining to do to Ashley.

The back nine was a blur. Literally. From what Jamey tells me, I asked him what happened about nine times. My head was pounding and evidently, Jamey and Corey both feared that I had a concussion. They were pretty scared -- so much so that they were barely able to finish the last nine holes in a reasonable amount of time.

Even now, pieces of that morning are a little fuzzy to me. Was Jamey really going through my wallet? Did Corey really tell me that he's already married to three women in Utah? Does "The Sopranos" now have less action than "Antiques Roadshow"?

I don't remember the final hole really, as well as a handful of the other ones, and somehow I got my spikes off, my clubs into Jamey's car and myself into the clubhouse, despite having no recollection.

I do remember Wakeling emceeing the awards ceremony (someone beat me on the closest-to-the-pin, cheaters) and at one point I yelled, "Happy Halloween everybody!" The food was good I think and I didn't win any awards -- although it's the memories I'll cherish -- or lack thereof. I just wish someone would have told me my pants were missing.

Who won the tournament? No clue. Cheaters probably.

Oh, and if I end up suggesting to pick up Jason Tyner in your Fantasy Baseball league because he's going to hit 40 bombs, just blame it on the concussion.

And that text message marriage proposal? I accidentally sent it to the wrong person. But Rubio said yes. We're going to have a fall wedding and you're invited.

All in all, I had a great time Saturday … or at least, that's what I've been told.

Emack just sent out an update about Hanley Ramirez, saying, "Ramirez is one of the best shortstops in Fantasy, so don't playa hate and start the mad man regularly."

For this, I'd like to apologize to our Fantasy readers. Dobish said it best when scolding Emack, "I'm surprised you didn't say, 'Hanley had two stolen bases and four hizzles.'"

Moving on to the Royals, you know your team is a bad one when their biggest free-agent signing was Gil Meche. Then again, they outdid the Devil Rays on that front, so who am I to make fun.

Ben Sheets needed just 104 pitches to finish off a Dodgers club that many, including yours truly, expected to win the NL West this year. He allowed only two hits -- a Jeff Kent homer and a Brady Clark double -- to go with three strikeouts and no walks. That complete-game win moves Sheets up to the top of our Fantasy Man of the Day rankings.

Dobish quote of the hour, talking about Manny Ramirez: "The next announcer that says, 'Manny is just being Manny,' is going to get stabbed in the eye with scissors." In case you were wondering, Dobish has anger management issues.

One last thing before I start on game updates for the product. Earlier today, Emack received an email from a reader.

"Hey *********, I am glad I avoided taking Albert Pujols No. 1 overall after his hitless performance against the Mest. Your a moron and you should turn around your hat you dummy. I tooks Alex Rodriguez and I guarantee he has a better year. Anyonw who knows anything knows you are a dummy and Pujols is not the top pick. Why don't you go back to syracuse tyou no-nothing fool."

While we were all laughing and pointing out the biggest knee-jerk reaction of the decade, I noticed Dobish laughing a little too hard. Apparently, he sent that last night in a last-ditch April Fools' attempt. Excellent job!

---

Ryan Howard hit third, with Chase Utley hitting fourth, in today's lineup against the Braves. The Braves intentionally walked Howard to get to Utley in the ninth inning -- I'm not sure that strategy worked out for the better in Philadelphia. Utley fouled out for the Phillies. Now I'm positive that strategy didn't work out so well.

Ben Sheets' is throwing an opening day gem against the Dodgers -- and he's not hurt yet! He has allowed only a solo shot from Jeff Kent as his only flaw, while striking out three in seven innings.

Delmon Young has been aggressive at the plate, swinging at the first pitch in each of his at-bats.

MLB set an attendance record during spring training. Sergio Gonzalez notes that a lot of that could be the due to the phenomenon that is Daisuke Matsuzaka. You can't credit the Devil Rays. I still can't understand why they train in St. Petersburg, the same city they play in. It's like, "Hey, we can't fill our stadium when the games count in the summer, let's see if we can during the exhibition season." They should be training on the east coast in Daytona or even in Orlando with the Braves.

Unexpected bonus of the day: Edgar Renteria has two homers and three RBI on the afternoon.

Juan Salas gave up a double to Bobby Abreu that scored Doug Mientkiewicz -- then A-Rod blasted a two-run homer to deep center field. I think it's safe to say that Salas is officially looking at a few games of middle relief. I'd like to take this time to announce that Al Reyes has officially won the closer's job for Tampa Bay.

---

Carlos Zambrano tried to throw out Alex Gonzalez on a check-swing hit down the third-base line. But the throw came out funny, weakly bouncing 10 yards in front of first base, and the Cubs' medical team quickly runs out to check on their ace. His body was contorted a little bit when he threw the ball, but he told the staff that he's fine and he takes the mound again to face David Ross. That's a scare Fantasy owners do NOT want to read about. Zambrano eventually threw out Aaron Harang on a sacrifice attempt too.

Shawn Camp gives up a two-run single to Derek Jeter and all is right again in Yankee-land. He is hitting better than .455 lifetime with the bases loaded in his career. I'm talking about Jeter, not A-Rod, in case you were curious.

With Camp coming on for the Devil Rays in the sixth inning and Brian Stokes following him in the bullpen. The closer battle is down to Al Reyes and Juan Salas it appears.

Dan Uggla follows the path of Miguel Cabrera's earlier homer and he's only 26 homers away from repeating last year's bomb total. Naysayers beware.

A-Rod stole second base in the seventh inning. That figures. He steals a paycheck every week. (I couldn't resist.) Jason Giambi now has three RBI on the day.

---

Jose Contreras just rocketed up the waiver-wire pickup list in all Bizarro Leagues today.

After allowing two ER and three hits in the first inning, Kazmir has settled down to give up just one ER on three hits in four innings -- although he has walked four batters in this game. He gave up a pair of hits to start the fifth and left the game before making an out.

Once the Yankees make their comeback, we might even see who the Devil Rays go to in the ninth inning as their potential closer. I'm voting that Al Reyes or Juan Salas get the chance, but Brian Stokes is also a possibility.

Tampa Bay already has three stolen bases on the day (Carl Crawford, Baldelli and Upton). These guys are going to have to generate scoring opportunities, so expect more of the same.

Johnny Damon left the Devil Rays' game with cramps in his calf and he was replaced by Melky Cabrera in center. He hurt it while running backward looking at Dukes' homer leave the playing field. Seriously. That's a double-shot of pain.

This just in: Both Ryan Freel and Ken Griffey Jr. were healthy enough to start together on opening day. Somebody check the temperature in hell.

---

ROCCO! He's back for another at-bat after limping around in his first -- and he steals second base with Delmon Young at bat, and then he scores from second base on Young's single into right field. The batting order is still brutal, but imagine Baldelli in center, healthy again, and Dukes (who has already homered) as the DH ... This team could lose games 12-10 this year instead of 12-5.

The Yankees send Pavano to the showers after he gives up the lead and Kazmir is likely only going to pitch one more inning. So these teams are about to dip into their bullpens for four innings or more. Something tells me the scoring is nowhere near over.

Speaking of dipping into their bullpen, Jose Contreras' opening day final line is this: 1 IP, 7 HA, 7 ER, 1 BB, 1 K on 48 pitches. It's probably safe to throw an "L" up there too. Nick Masset just allowed two more runs, making it a seven-run deficit.

Once it was recognized that all of the teams that the writers on the east row of the Fantasy content department were winning (Devil Rays, Indians) or had already won (Mets), Sergio (a Yankees fan on the west side, said, "That's OK. You guys enjoy Opening Day. We'll be trading for your stars soon."

Adam Dunn just cranked out his second homer in as many at-bats. He gives the Reds fans a curtain call and Emack is ordering his "I Heart Adam Dunn" tshirt.

I noted that with the Reds no longer the first team playing on Opening Day, a good tradition ended. Dave Richard, grumpy because Dobish's Indians were stomping his White Sox, said, "You know what else is a good tradition? Dobish working at night."

---

Miguel Cabrera averaged 31 homers and 114 RBI over the past three seasons. Last year, for you Head-to-Head owners, he was third in the National League with 50 doubles. He stepped into an 88mph, belt-high fastball by John Patterson and a fan in the upper deck of RFK gets a souvenir. The announcers mentioned that it might have been the longest homer they have ever seen hit in that ballpark. That's it for Patterson. He's done for the day after that pitch and in comes rookie Levale Speigner. This is NOT going to be a fun season in the nation's capital.

Cabrera has already driven in four of the Marlins' six RBI today. He just overtook Smoltz for Fantasy Man of the day!

After the Indians scored five runs in the first inning, with each batter in the lineup coming up to bat twice, C.C. Sabathia finally takes the mound for Cleveland. I've seen seasons of "24" take less time than the White Sox to get out of that inning.

"Adam Dunn hit a bomb," said Emack. So now we get to hear about 27-year-olds for the next four hours again. I'm starting to think he has issues. Guess how old his new girlfriend is? ... Well, she's only 26 years old -- but still "she's a prospect!" [said in Emack-voice].

Elijah Dukes blasts a homer over Johnny Damon's head, handing out the first Carl Pavano-pitched souvenir of the season. I hope Maddon doesn't bump Dukes down to the ninth spot after that display. Following Dukes, B.J. stole his first base of the season with ease.

---

We hit Doc's, a local sports bar, for lunch today. Usually, Emack and I cook up some hot dogs and sausages for opening day and we make a big production out of it. Smack was moving into a new condo on the beach, so we put the regular festivities on hold. We did order some hot dogs for lunch, so it almost counts. I had to sit next to Dobish though, leaving the empty chair across from Dave Richard. Dobish wasn't happy about it, but since Richard eats like a woodchipper, I wasn't about to get cheeseburger shrapnel on my Rocco Baldelli jersey. Or as Dobish calls him, "Rocco D-Elly." Not funny.

A-Rod starts the year off right with an error and a strikeout. Is there any doubt that as salaries climb elsewhere, making his look less obscene, that he'll be playing for another team within the next 365 days?

Baldelli is noticeably limping again after fouling out in the third inning (remember, he's got the bad hamstring) and I'd be surprised to see if he comes out for a third at-bat. That's a real shame too. This is his first opening day start in three years! Since I'm wearing his jersey, I think I'll limp around all day in honor of the lamest hamstrings this side of Porky Pigs tennis racket.

In our MLB preview, I guessed that Cincinnati's Jerry Narron would be the first manager to get the boot -- but man, what is Joe Maddon doing? He has the mighty bat of Ben Zobrist batting second!?!?!?!? B.J. Upton, who already has the team's first RBI of the year, is hitting ninth, behind stud prospect Elijah Dukes. (Dioner Navarro is protecting Akinori Iwamura in the seventh spot.) Did Maddon fill out this lineup by using a lottery system? Does he think it's a serpentine draft and Upton will bat twice in a row on the turn?

For all those thinking that Grady Sizemore is in for a letdown after last year's dream season -- he homered in his first at-bat.

Dan Uggla is already being mentioned as this year's Jorge Cantu (sophomore slump from a slugging second baseman). He popped up in the first after fellow soph Hanley Ramirez laced a ground-rule double to right field. Then Uggla crushed a shot to deep center in RFK (he blasted 27 homers last year). Nook Logan chased the flyball down, injuring himself making the catch against the wall, and anyone reading the boxscore alone won't realize that it was the longest possible out in the game. (Logan was helped off the field by team trainers, by the way. He had a bum ankle even before this game, so it could be that he just aggravated it. Ryan Church moved into center field and Chris Snelling comes in to play left.)

---

I know what you're wondering. You're saying to yourself, "What is life like for a Devil Rays fan on Opening Day?"

Well, first, after we're all done talking about what the Bucs are going to do with their draft pick and if the Lightning are going to make the playoffs, we enjoy the fact that we are still tied with the Yankees and the Red Sox in the standings.

Then we start saying things like, "You know, I'm soooooo glad we kept Brendan Harris over Jorge Cantu -- the guy that owns the franchise record in RBI for one season. That was another absolutely brilliant decision by TB management."

Scott Kazmir has already thrown 35 pitches in just one inning. But just before I jump off one of the 19 bridges that connects Tampa to St. Pete, I look to TOR/DET and notice that Jeremy Bonderman's getting hit for 46 pitches in just two innings -- and even Roy Halladay is up to his old high-pitch count ways, with 34 in two innings. Halladay has no walks and only one strikeout.

Moving on -- before I get too bitter about Kazmir.

Both Brett Myers and John Smoltz are working quickly, with less than 40 pitches through three innings. Smoltz is making his Fantasy owners the happiest though, with five Ks against 11 batters faced.

It looks like Brian McCann gets to be the first player to homer this season. He connects off of Myers with a no-doubter into right field. The kid's only 23 years old! We know he can hit for average and knock in runs, can he climb into the rare air of 30-HR territory for a catcher? I don't think he will this season, but as he matures into a stronger hitter, he certainly could.

---

Welcome to my MLB Opening Day blog! Throughout the afternoon, I'll be dropping in little snippets of opinion and fact about the goings on in several major-league ballparks. Enjoy!

Baseball is quirky. That's all there is to it. It's the only sport in which the defense has the ball. There's absolutely no time limit and a game could, in actuality, go on for days. And those are just the obvious differences.

What other sport has different rules for different sets of teams (DH)? What other sport ends early (middle of the ninth) if the home team is already winning? What other sport dresses the team's head coach/manager in a uniform? What other sport has venues with different size playing areas (although the NHL used to)? What other sport has players that only play once every five games (SPs)? What other sport does left- and right-handedness make such a difference? What other sport allows players to make plays out of bounds? What other sport has a trade deadline that's one of the most intriguing days of the year, often causing a difference in the pennant chase? What other sport has an uneven playing field in spots (pitcher's mound)? What other sport rewards a player for hitting the ball into the stands?

Today is opening day for most teams in the majors -- and more importantly -- it's the first big day of Fantasy Baseball!!! Follow along with me this afternoon as I blog about the happenings throughout the afternoon in various ballparks. I'll do my best to keep you entertained as much as I keep you informed.