Today was my mom's birthday, which she shares with LeBron James and Tiger Woods. Isn't that great? My mom was born on the same date as, arguably, today's two biggest sports icons. Or at least the human embodiments of Nike's top two brands.

Also sharing a birthday with my mom: Sandy Koufax, Kerry Collins, Rudyard Kipling, Jack Lord, Bo Diddley, Tracey Ullman, Eliza Dushku, Matt Lauer, Julianne Moore, Davy Jones of the Monkees and Alexa Ray Joel (who, as I mentioned a few days ago, is the beneficiary of Christie Brinkley's superhuman DNA).

Mom and Dad are currently visiting my palatial estate, which has been a lot of fun. Well, it's mostly been fun for me, as Mom has been busy cooking and Dad has been installing a floor. But I'd like to think that they've enjoyed it as much as I have.

Tiger certainly had a good 30th birthday, as the Palm Beach Post reported that he agreed to buy a 10-acre oceanfront property valued at $40 million on Jupiter Island, Fla. I don't know how LeBron celebrated turning 21 but, golly, I guess now he can start going to clubs and stuff.

Not that you asked, but Karl Malone and Barry Bonds share my birthday. I'm not a fan of either one (although like everyone not named Kobe or Vanessa Bryant, I do enjoy the Mailman's comment about "hunting for young Mexican girls"). Also born on July 24: Former UNC basketball star Rick Fox, Amelia Earhart, Jennifer Lopez, Michael Richards (Kramer from Seinfeld), Robert Hays (Airplane!) and Lynda Carter (Wonder Woman). I'd trade all of them for Eliza Dushku.

Hate to cut this short -- because this been as enthralling for me as I'm sure it's been for you -- but it's 4:30 a.m., and I need to get some sleep so that I can be well-rested for tonight's New Year's Eve tomfoolery. If you’re in Hollywood, Fla. -- and you're not a Florida State football player with a penchant for violent crimes -- come hang out with me at the PRL Euro Café (1904 Hollywood Blvd). For everybody else, have a Happy New Year -- here's my final night note of 2005:

No technical issues

Home: LSU 40, Miami 3 in Peach Bowl
Mini: Judge's Peek at the Week/Prisco's Picks
Mini: Doyel on Vanderbilt
Promo Box: Ratto on Giants vs. Raiders

NBA: Mejia's resolutions

NHL: Senators 4, Islanders 3

NCAA football: LSU 40, Miami 3 in Peach Bowl

NCAA hoops: Doyel on Vanderbilt (mini)

DEPLOYED

Doyel on Vanderbilt column (9127019) and mini (9127190)

Mejia's resolutions column (9125680) and cover (9125771)

Utah pounded Georgia Tech tonight in the Emerald Bowl. Georgia Tech previously beat my Tar Heels, who in turn beat Utah. Thus, we saw yet again that the transitive law does not apply in sports.

Some laws, however, do apply to athletes, which brings us to A.J. Nicholson. A 19-year-old woman called police Thursday at 3 a.m., claiming that Florida State's star linebacker sexually assaulted her in a hotel in Hollywood, Fla., where the Seminoles are staying as they prepare for the Orange Bowl.

An investigation is under way, and few details are available. We do, however, know two things:

1. As a Hollywood resident, I should have been notified that the Seminoles would be staying here, so I could have installed a better home security system.

2. According to Bobby Bowden, Nicholson has been "sent home" and suspended for the game "for violating a team rule."

"Well, you learn lessons from other people's mistakes," said Bowden. "That's the biggest thing. You learn from other people's mistakes. Somebody's got to step up."

Yes, we should learn from other people's mistakes. In this case, other coaches should learn from the mistakes of Bobby Bowden, who chose not to step up and punish Nicholson in any meaningful way after two previous arrests this year. Charges of DUI and resisting arrest after a bar brawl would seem to merit a stiffer sanction than running stadium steps.

(For the record, the second charge was ultimately dropped.)

Bowden isn't the only one who hopes Nicholson's latest brush with the law proves to be an educational opportunity. I visited a popular FSU message board to see how the Seminole faithful are reacting to this news. One fan wrote, "Hopefully he has learned that when your (sic) a (sic) FSU player don't trust girls in South Florida."

I don't even know where to start on this. Maybe with the fact that a blanket indictment of "girls in South Florida" is monumentally stupid, since this particular girl is allegedly the victim of a crime, not the perpetrator of one (and, if you really want to nit-pick, we don't know that she's from South Florida).

So, what should Nicholson learn from this? Well, if he's guilty, I hope he learns how truly unpleasant prison can be. If he's not guilty, I hope he learns that justice is indeed blind, and that the innocent are swiftly exonerated.

(Also, I hope the FSU fan in question learns basic grammar. Anyone who's old enough to use a computer should know "your" is the possessive form of "you," while "you're" is the contraction of "you are." Why is this so hard to grasp? Don't even get me started on the a/an thing. I'll get off the sanctimonious copy editor's soapbox now.)

Another fan chimes in with, "I'm not saying this girl asked for it, but what kind of message does it send to be in a man's hotel room at that hour of the night? That doesn't mean it's OK to pressure her, etc. but she shouldn't have put herself in that situation. ... And the violation Bobby probably sent him home for was breaking curfew. It's a shame this won't be cleared up until after the game."

Of course, when somebody starts a statement with, "I'm not saying this girl asked for it, but ...," they're pretty much saying, "This girl asked for it." Might as well blame her for whatever she was wearing while you're at it.

I don't mean to imply that these isolated comments reflect the average FSU fan's opinion about this incident. Most Seminoles surely realize that, best-case, Nicholson has been falsely accused; worst-case, a 19-year-old was sexually assaulted. That is the shame here, not the fact that a football factory will be one linebacker short on Tuesday.

On to the night note.

No technical issues

Home: Oklahoma wins Holiday Bowl
Mini: Pistons 106, Heat 101
Mini: Doyel on Villanova
Promo Box: Dodd on USC restaurant

NCAA football: Dodd on USC restaurant
Mini: Oklahoma wins Holiday Bowl

NBA: Pistons 106, Heat 101
Mini: Mejia on Ron Artest

NHL: Therrien gets first win as Penguins' coach
Mini: Power Rankings

NEWSROOM

Prisco's picks

DEPLOYED

Prisco's notebook (9123715)

BANKED

Doyel's top-10 games (9123782)

As 2006 bears down on us like John Daly descending upon an open bar, some say our society is divided as never before. Not true.

Conflict is our real national pastime because, unlike baseball, it is inherently exciting. And over the long haul, one side tends to emerge as the resounding winner. This also appeals to Americans, whose love of clear-cut victors is why the NHL's new shootout rule is so popular.

Well, "popular" is a relative term; most folks would still rather watch an infomercial than a hockey game. In fact, since the Federal Trade Commission banned Kevin Trudeau from making future infomercials, maybe he should embark on a new career as an NHL color commentator. Then he could say things like, "Mario Lemieux has really been struggling with his health this season. What do you suppose he'd say if I told him there are literally hundreds of natural cures that the government and the big drug companies don't want him to know about???"

But I digress. Heated disagreements are nothing new. Two decades ago, the nation was being torn apart by the Heather Thomas vs. Heather Locklear rivalry. If you grew up in the early '80s and you wanted a poster of a girl in a bikini to hang on your wall, you went to the mall, strode directly to Spencer Gifts and faced one of the defining decisions of your young life: were you a Heather Thomas guy or a Heather Locklear guy?

It all came to a head in 1984, when Fall Guy star Thomas boldly invaded Locklear's turf by making a guest appearance on T.J. Hooker, but my mind was made up long before this unwarranted act of aggression. I loved Heather Locklear then, and by God, I love her now. And yes, I feel strangely vindicated by the fact that Locklear married a rock star and single-handedly saved both Melrose Place and Spin City, while Thomas hasn't had a film role since portraying a showgirl in My Giant. Advantage: Locklear.

(As a side note, Christie Brinkley deserves a mention in any discussion of '80s beauties. Brinkley's genetics are so good, she managed to have a hot daughter with Billy Joel. THAT is some potent DNA.)

At roughly the same time, America became embroiled in the rivalry between Michael Jackson and Prince. Thriller and 1999 came out in 1982, giving The Gloved One an early edge. Then Prince followed it up with Purple Rain while Michael entered a downward spiral of plastic surgeries, dangerously flammable hair, outfits apparently inspired by Cap'n Crunch, and alleged incidents of pedophilia. Advantage: Prince (almost by default).

Then there was Britney Spears vs. Christina Aguilera. Justin Timberlake -- of all people -- absolutely eviscerated Britney in the Cry Me a River video, starting her down a road littered with cigarettes and cellulite. But many of us always knew Britney -- like tornados, shirtless guys on Cops and cars on blocks -- was destined for the trailer park. Simply by not being married to Kevin Federline, the Dirrty girl collects a decisive victory over her fellow former Mouseketeer. Advantage: Aguilera.

(I should say, "the formerly Dirrty girl." Aguilera was recently quoted as saying, "I've decided on a classier image for the future -- more fitting for a married lady." C'mon, Christina -- you are beautiful no matter what they say. Words can't bring you down!)

Now there's Lindsay Lohan vs. the new-and-improved Lindsay Lohan. Or more accurately, the proves-that-I'm-a-dirty-old-man Lindsay Lohan vs. the please-God-eat-a-sandwich Lindsay Lohan. The plan looked so great on paper: Take a nubile young actress who loves to party, have her lose some baby fat and dye her hair blonde. Sounds like a winning formula to me! And yet it all went so horribly, horribly wrong. Here's a head-scracther: Lohan cited food poisoning after her recent last-minute cancellation of an appearance on Live With Regis & Kelly. Food poisoning? Impossible! She hasn't eaten anything since 2004. Advantage: Curvaceous Lohan.

The battle lines have once again been drawn, this time in the world of college basketball, as fans debate who's better: Duke guard J.J. Redick or Gonzaga forward Adam Morrison. The nation's top two scorers established themselves as the leading candidates for player of the year when Redick torched Texas for 41 points and Morrison poured in 43 at Washington. Six days later, after Morrison's game-winning, 3-pointer against Oklahoma State, Bill Raftery gushed "Larry Bird! Baby! Ugh!" and Kevin Harlan called him "the best basketball player in college basketball."

Maybe that's true, but others insist Redick is the best basketball player in college basketball. And like the aforementioned rivalries, history will be very unkind to one side ...

Pro potential

With the high release on his shot and his dynamic scoring ability, Morrison could be ... say it with me ... the next Larry Bird (or so they say, as "they" continue their search for a Great White Hope not named Dirk). While their scoring averages are similar, Bird also averaged 13.3 rebounds and 4.6 assists in college; Morrison doesn't hit the boards nearly as ferociously or pass with such panache. If people are determined to compare Morrison to a white ex-Celtic, why not John Havlicek? Morrison closely mirrors Hondo's college numbers (20.8 ppg, 6.3 rpg), sinewy frame and relentless hustle.

Redick's best-case scenario is becoming the next Jeff Hornacek, but he could just as easily be the next Trajan Langdon. In other words, a spot-up shooter who can't create for himself or others but is drafted in the first round mainly because he's a Dookie, and who practically steals an NBA team's money for three years before getting a one-way ticket to obscurity. More likely, he'll be a 3-point shooter off the bench, like Steve Kerr. Or a less athletic Rex Chapman. Or maybe Kelly Tripuka without the perm. There has to be a Celtic in this Caucasian cavalcade -- how about Bill Walton but much shorter, with healthier ankles, no jump hook, no speech impediment and no particular admiration for hippie music? Whatever. Advantage: Morrison.

By the numbers

Morrison is averaging 27.5 points, 6.4 rebounds, 1.6 assists, and 1.6 steals while shooting 53.1 percent from the field and 37.5 percent on 3-pointers. Redick is averaging 24.7 points, 1.8 rebounds, 2.1 assists and 1.0 steals while shooting 48.9 percent from the field and 46.5 percent on 3-pointers. Advantage: Morrison, due to his edge on the glass.

Personal style

With his sweet mustache, floppy hair and socks pulled high, Morrison would have fit right in as a character in Napoleon Dynamite. On the other end of the spectrum is Redick, who appears to have stepped out of Hoosiers. Advantage: Morrison.

Idol worship

Morrison is a role model for children with Type 1 diabetes. He wears an insulin pump when he's not playing, and must closely monitor his blood sugar throughout practices and games. Morrison answers letters and e-mails from diabetic fans but is reluctant to discuss his condition in public and never uses it as an excuse to slack off. As quoted by Sports Illustrated in 2003, "I've never said, 'I have diabetes, so I can't bust my ass on this play.'"

Meanwhile, Redick is a role model for anyone who aspires to be a truly wretched poet. A suburban white kid from Virginia, Redick cites Nas and Tupac as his poetic inspirations. Here's a sample verse: "I can't see what my future has in store / But I move forth with the strength of a condor."

Sweet Jesus! If Tupac had written anything remotely like that, he would have been shot years earlier.

Did I mention Morrison sometimes needs three insulin shots during games?

Advantage: Morrison

Big games

In last year's NCAA Tournament, Morrison averaged 26 points while Redick averaged 12. In fact, in Duke's last three NCAA Tournament losses, Redick shot 4-of-14 (vs. Michigan State), 4-of-12 (vs. UConn) and 2-of-16 (vs. Kansas). Advantage: Morrison

Bottom line

Yep, it's pretty obvious. The most gifted player in college basketball is ...

(drum roll, please ...)

Rudy Gay.

That's not the matter up for debate here, though. Redick will bring home most of the national player of the year hardware -- which is unfortunate, since Morrison is college basketball's best player.

A big thanks goes out to newsroom honcho Swanny, who generously gave us amazon.com gift certificates, which are far better than the coal that I typically receive at this time of year. I immediately used mine to buy To Be The Man , the autobiography of Ric Flair. Maybe someday Flair will autograph the book (assuming I can stand before him without shrieking like a delirious teenage girl at an Elvis Presley concert), thus turning it into a family heirloom.

In case you're wondering, my copy of To Be The Man cost $1.45. Best $1.45 I ever spent.

I put the remainder of the gift certificate toward The Ultimate Ric Flair Collection , a three-DVD retrospective of the Nature Boy's glorious career.

What this means to me: So help me God, I'll never be bored again. At the press of a button, I'll soon be able to watch Flair wrestle Dusty Rhodes or Ricky Steamboat or Harley Race -- or better yet, the Nature Boy's interviews and promos from his coked-up heyday. It boggles my mind. I don't know who's more shocked -- me for suddenly having what my esteemed colleague Eric Kay describes as "Flair on demand," or my roommate Rory, who will soon grow weary of this phrase: "There's nothing on TV ... hey, let's watch Naitch tangle with Terry Funk in the 'I Quit' match!"

What this means to you: Expect a dramatic increase in obscure wrestling references that will only be appreciated by four people -- my longtime associates Iron Mike, The Freak, Geran and Chris.

Now I just need a Flair robe and a title belt, which I may soon deserve. With three weeks left in the season, Eric Mack held a commanding six-game lead over me in our office NFL pool. Heading into the final week, I'm just one game back -- and it should be tied up. I was sure that I had picked Kansas City to beat San Diego, but no. That game will haunt me for a long time if I fall one win short.

But I digress. If wearing a title belt is good enough for the Nature Boy, and it's good enough for Rasheed Wallace, it's good enough for me. So if I somehow overtake Emack and hold off Charlie McCarthy, I will use my winnings to buy a belt and wear it around the office while yelling, "To be the man, you gotta BEAT the man! WOOOOOOO!!!"

OK, I'm outta here -- Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and a joyous Kwanzaa to everybody!

On to the night note:

No technical issues

Home: Redskins over Giants / Prisco on Cowboys over Panthers
Mini: Mejia on NBA teams' needs
Mini: Goldstein's NHL notebook
Promo Box: Ratto on James Dungy

NFL: Redskins over Giants / Prisco on Cowboys over Panthers
Mini: Prisco on Alex Smith

NCAA football: Nevada over UCF in Hawaii Bowl

BANKED:

Miller on Hall of Fame column (9116303), cover (9116339) and mini (9116418)

I really shouldn't have laughed at this, but at least I wasn't the only person in the newsroom who got a chuckle out of Rick Majerus' quote tonight about a Connecticut basketball player.

"I'm not a big Gay guy," said the portly coach-turned-television commentator, much to the relief of gay men everywhere.

I know, I know -- grow up. But judging by Steve Lavin's grin, I have a hunch he was thinking the same thing I was. Anyway, when Rudy Gay is a gazillionaire a year from now, he can tell me, "Yeah, my last name is sorta funny, if you're in the seventh grade. You know what else is funny? Your checking account balance."

Of course, Majerus is still on TV because he reconsidered his decision to become USC's head coach. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise for the Trojans, who ended up hiring Tim Floyd. You may have noticed that Floyd's squad knocked off my Tar Heels tonight. It's a nice win for USC, but was it really an "incredible upset," as the FOX Sports play-by-play guy gushed?

Ignore the names on the jerseys for a minute. The Trojans were at home, and they rode in on a seven-game winning streak. The Tar Heels are the first team in ACC history to lose their top seven scorers from the previous season, and they were playing just their second road game of the season. In other words, it was the second road game ever for the four freshmen who are playing significant minutes.

But I don't want to take anything away from USC, which certainly deserved the win. And I don't blame Lodrick Stewart, who scored 18 points, for sobbing after the game. He and his twin brother Rodrick originally committed to attend UNC ... except Matt Doherty hadn't actually offered them scholarships, which one might consider an important step in the recruitment process. They ended up at USC, and I don't begrudge Lodrick for any feelings of satisfaction or vindication that he may have.

I probably could have lived without the "overrated" chant by USC's crowd, and the fact that they rushed the court like they just won the national championship ... but college basketball is supposed to be fun, so go ahead and savor the victory, Trojan fans!

Oh yeah -- HOOK 'EM HORNS!!!

On to the night note:

No technical issues

Home: Mejia on top NBA trios
Mini: Miller's MLB Insider
Mini: Week 16 Faceoff
Promo Box: Ratto on Johnny Damon

NBA: Mejia on top NBA trios

MLB: Miller's MLB Insider

NHL: Goldstein on rookies
Mini: Team Canada spurns Sidney Crosby
Mini: Power Rankings

Autos: Owens' 2005 season in review

Olympics: Team Canada spurns Sidney Crosby
Mini: Goldstein on USA hockey squad

DEPLOYED:

Miller's Love Letters (9110768)
Doyel's Hate Mail (9110815)

BANKED:
Mejia mini (9110857)

SLOT:

Goldstein on Ted Saskin (2 reads)
Dodd on Fiesta Bowl (2 reads)
Doyel on IUPUI (1 read)
Prisco's Insider (1 read)

These are good times around the office, this whole ... nutty ... late-December ... time frame. I'm trying to avoid the "H-word," the one that rhymes with "schmolidays," because I don't want to contribute to the ongoing War Against Christmas that -- as FOX News points out for the third year in a row -- is threatening the very fabric of our society.

Someone who's a godless, freedom-hating heathen might see this imaginary war as a cynically transparent attempt by a pathologically dishonest mass media outlet to distract the nation from $2.79 gas, the loss of a major American city and, of course, a very real war.

And someone who gives aid and comfort to our enemies might take issue with FOX News' over-the-top rhetoric, which describes the behavior of those who want to simultaneously acknowledge Christmas and Hanukkah with the same terms ("war," "attack," "assault") normally reserved for terrorists.

Not me, pal. My eyes are wide open. In fact, I've noticed five other wars that demand immediate action in the form of boycotts and letter-writing campaigns. Wake up, America!

NASCAR's Crusade to Eradicate Rudeness: Actually, I didn't notice this -- Jeff Owens did in a recent column in which he lists numerous examples of disrespectful behavior by NASCAR drivers. One of the perpetrators was Jeff Gordon, who in July "allegedly punched Mike Bliss in an airport after Bliss wrecked him at Chicagoland Speedway."

You KNOW disrespect is a problem when the Rainbow Warrior is going around punching people. I can imagine Gordon sashaying over to Bliss and saying something catty. Maybe even slapping him. Or, as my mom said, "Maybe he hit him with his purse." But an actual punch???

We're talking about a guy who has his own chardonnay, not to mention a "signature scent" featuring "base notes of coriander, armoise essence, labdanum and patchouli." I thought a long time about athletes who would scare me less than Jeff Gordon in a fistfight. The only ones I could come up with were Brian Boitano and Mary Lou Retton.

As for Bliss, the black eye he received has healed, and the folks at mikebliss.com are doing their best to help rebuild his shattered ego. As the site's front page says, "Congratulations Mike Bliss on being the only driver to complete a full season at Haas CNC Racing!!! You go boy!" While they're at it, I think Bliss should also be congratulated for tying his own shoes and going to the potty all by himself.

Kentucky's Brave Struggle Against Misplaced Documents: Here's how UK's official website quotes Tubby Smith, describing how he found the original fax dated May 9 that states Randolph Morris' intent to "test the waters" of the NBA Draft process rather than turn pro unequivocally:

"I had lost papers on a plane and I have been looking for them for some time. If I would have known how important those papers were I would have held on to them more tightly. Somebody must have realized what was in the papers and sent them back to us. If you travel as much as I do you can sometimes loose (sic) papers when you travel. (Compliance director) Sandy Bell told me if I could find those papers that it would really help. I went back (and) found them last week. Thank God I found the papers and we were able to work things out."

Let me get this straight. The NCAA rules Morris ineligible for the 2005-06 season. Then a week later, Smith is digging around on his desk and happens to find a fax sent seven months ago, which he had lost on a plane. Some good-hearted individual finds the fax on the plane, realizes that it's important and sends it back to the UK basketball offices ... where it somehow becomes lost again, this time on Smith's desk. Then after discouraging losses to Iowa, North Carolina and Indiana -- poof! -- the fax reappears. And since the NCAA has no doubt that it's 100 percent authentic, Morris is reinstated. It's a Christmas miracle!

Duke's Diabolical Effort to Antagonize Me: A couple of weeks have passed, so maybe now I can rationally discuss Sean Dockery's shot that beat Virginia Tech. Here's an approximate transcript of my conversation with Iron Mike, who called when the Hokies took a 75-74 lead with 1.6 seconds remaining at Cameron Indoor Stadium.

(Phone rings. I see it's Iron Mike)

"That's right! That's right!"

"Can you believe this???"

"I know, Duke completely folded down the stretch! This is unreal!"

"Isn't it? There's no way they're the best team in the country!"

"This is almost as good as UNC's win at Kentuc..."

(Sean Dockery hits a 40-foot heave)

"No ..."

"Oh ... my ..."

(Stunned silence)

"Ugh."

"Are ... you ... kidding ... me?"

"Jesus."

"&##@!"

I'm still not entirely sure what to make of Duke. I do know, however, that their 97-66 win over Texas will prevent me from opening an online gambling account for the foreseeable future. I don't know what the line for that game was, but I would have bet the farm on the Longhorns. Which proves, yet again, that I'm an idiot.

Hennepin County Sheriff's Party-Pooping Vendetta Against the Vikings: Kudos to the fine folks at The Smoking Gun for posting the criminal complaints against Daunte Culpepper, Fred Smoot, Bryant McKinnie and Moe Williams.

Quoting from the complaint against Culpepper, "... an employee of Al and Alma's Charter boats observed Duante Rachard Culpepper ... getting a 'lap dance' from an unidentified, naked female. This occurred in the bar area of the charter boat and during this lap dance, Mr. Culpepper placed his hands on the naked buttocks of the female dancer."

(Isn't it great to see "lap dance" in quotation marks, as if it's some sort of obscure slang? Who doesn't know what a "lap dance" is?)

And that's it. That's all he did. Culpepper is charged with indecent conduct, disorderly conduct and lewd or lascivious conduct -- and getting his name dragged through the mud -- because he allegedly got a "lap dance" and (gasp!) placed his hands on naked buttocks at a private party on a charter boat. How many guys in his position would have done anything different? The only places I'd turn down a lap dance are in a church, a funeral home or an elementary school. If that's wrong, I don't wanna be right. Lock me up along with Daunte.

(OK, that's an exaggeration. I wouldn't do well in prison, to say the least.)

Same goes for Williams -- except instead of placing his hands on naked buttocks, he "had his hands on and touching the breasts of his female partner." Oh, the horror! The absolute horror of it all!

I have to believe Culpepper and Williams will get off (ahem), but then again I'm no lawyer. Maybe I should go back to school and specialize in lap dance law. Then I'll represent McKinnie and Smoot, boldly defending their right to remain freaky.

Ron Artest's Relentless Quest to Reclaim His Rightful Title as the Nuttiest S.O.B. In Sports: Twenty teams supposedly called the Pacers to inquire about Ron Artest, and 12-15 actually made offers. It's not surprising, as Artest is an All-Star with a relatively meager salary. Plus, he's a lockdown defender and a fierce competitor.

Case in point: Artest wasn't just going to sit back and let Terrell Owens take his King of Crazy crown without a fight. So he blindsides the Pacers with a trade demand, says he doesn't like playing for Rick Carlisle, then does an immediate about-face and asks to stay in Indiana. Top that, T.O.!

If the Pacers can't trade him, Donnie Walsh says he'll make Artest inactive with pay for the rest of the season. Personally, I'd send Artest to Toronto for a case of Moosehead and and a couple of seasons of SCTV on DVD. But if Walsh opts for the inactive route, both Artest and T.O. will have ample time on their hands. That's when we need to give these guys their own show. There may not be a place for it on America's No. 1 Network, but you're telling me this wouldn't be great for our corporate brethren at Spike? They couldn't fit Crazy Talk with Ron and T.O. into the schedule somewhere between World's Wildest Police Videos and whatever James Bond movie they're showing in prime time?

Incidentally, the first guest on Crazy Talk just has to be Clinton Portis. Or, more accurately, one of Portis' personas that he uses in his Thursday press conferences. My first choice would have been Southeast Jerome, but Portis' official website says Jerome has died under suspicious circumstances. Luckily, Sheriff Gonna Getcha is on the case. One can only hope that Dollah Bill, Dr. I Don't Know and the four-armed, one-eyed Bro Sweets are in no way involved in this heinous crime.

A couple of feedbacks from yesterday's "Black Friday" blog ...

I was concerned that my slobbering over Jennifer Love Hewitt may have violated some sort of sexual harassment guidelines, since we both work for America's No. 1 Network. My associate Abe writes, "JLH is so over she'd welcome the harassment. Here's what the ghosts are whispering: 'You're cancelled.'"

I have to admit, that's a lot funnier than anything I wrote yesterday. It reminds me of Carson Daly's celebrity roast a couple of years ago, which I'm ashamed to say I watched repeatedly. At the end, Daly got up and said something like, "I'd like to thank Jennifer Love Hewitt for being here. Hey, remember when we used to date, back when you were famous?"

Actually, the harshest JLH comment that night came from Sarah Silverman, who said, "People say that you're the next Audrey Hepburn. Does that scare you, knowing you're going to die of colon cancer?"

God, I love Sarah Silverman. Why she's with that no-talent clown Jimmy Kimmel is beyond me. Ironically, my second feedback contains a Kimmel reference. A longtime associate who shall remain anonymous is an employee of the Houston Texans. He takes issue with my comment that the guy on Ghost Whisperer has less job security than Dom Capers. He writes, "First Jimmy Kimmel, now Rehm?! Sigh … that’s life as a national punching bag."

I have no idea what Kimmel said, because I can't stand his show. I think Silverman summed it up best when she described it as "an infomercial for boring." But I'll give him credit for one thing: finally putting on a damn tie. I'm just amazed that it took him this long to realize that a guy who's going up against Leno and Letterman shouldn't have his collar open like an Atlantic City lounge singer. He started wearing a tie on Oct. 10, and his ratings have reportedly gone up 15 percent. Of course, crap plus 15 percent is still crap.

On another note, my two favorite stories tonight are both about baseball.

(Sweet monkey pie, doesn't that season ever END???)

1. Regarding Javier Vazquez being traded to the White Sox, the New York Times writes, "Vazquez got his wish to play closer to his home in Puerto Rico." Well, yeah, I guess Chicago is closer than Arizona, but does that really mean his wish came true? It's as if somebody on the Royals' roster complains that he wants to play for a better team, so they send him to the Pirates.

2. Here's Carl Everett's comment after signing with Seattle: "This will probably be the biggest challenge of my career. Coming out here, I'm about 2,505 miles away from home."

Not "about 2,500 miles" -- no, no, no. "About 2,505 miles." Somebody knows how to use Mapquest! (Or maybe not. I looked it up -- yeah, I have too much time on my hands -- and the actual distance from Seattle to Everett's hometown of Tampa, Fla., is 3157.43 miles. I mean, about 3157.43 miles.)

Of course, Everett is notoriously nutty. We're talking about a guy who thinks dinosaurs never existed, and that their fossils were "made by man." As Everett says, "You can make bones in the lab nowadays. And every year they come out with a different dinosaur movie, so does that mean that that dinosaur existed? A lot of things are being made that you would never see walk on this Earth."

Bravo, Carl Everett, for alerting us to this global conspiracy to promote the dinosaur movie genre. You're not fooling anybody, Steven Spielberg!

On to the night note:

Home: Mejia on Ron Artest
Mini: Prisco's Pro Bowl picks
Mini: Doyel on Devan Downey
Promo Box: Ratto on Milton Bradley

NFL: Week 15 Faceoff
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Mini: Doyel on Louis Orr

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BANKED:
Prisco Pro Bowl cover: 9096808
Artest mini: 9096954

Among life's great mysteries -- Why are we here? Is there a God? Who on Earth actually enjoys Nickelback? -- the most perplexing to me is, "Why do shoppers line up outside stores at 4 a.m. on Black Friday, become enraged as they wait to get in, then knock down the elderly in a frantic rush to save a few bucks on crap they don't really need?"

That's exactly what happened right here in Fort Lauderdale. As the Sun-Sentinel reported, 73-year-old Josephine Hoffman was trampled at a BrandsMart USA:

"I was trying to get out of the way, but they knocked me down," said Josephine Hoffman of Coconut Creek, who was standing immediately outside the gate as a human wave rushed inside, carrying her along.

"I hit my head on the floor, and people stepped on me," said the woman, who was resting on a box of merchandise inside the store following the 7:30 a.m. incident. "I don't understand why people do these things."

I don't understand it, either. You think unless you shove your way into the store at the exact moment the doors open, they're going to run out of iPods? This is why I don't battle crowds when I'm Christmas shopping: I don't like most people. What do you tend to find in crowds? People.

Fortunately, I can do all of my shopping online. One of the perks of working for America's No. 1 Network (by the way, what happened to the tagline "America's Most Watched Network?" I thought that was much catchier) is that we get a discount at the CBS.com store.

I don't want to spoil the surprise, but my nieces can expect to receive Tickle Me Ed Bradley dolls, and my nephews will be getting the first season of Ghost Whisperer on DVD. If you're unfamiliar with the show, Jennifer Love Hewitt stars as Melinda Gorden, who is "able to see and talk to dead people -- earthbound spirits who have yet to cross over to the other side. Her other special gift is being ridiculously hot and helping millions of adolescent boys cross over to the other side of puberty."

OK, I made that last part up. And I've never actually seen the show, although I'm sure it's every bit as good as, say, Two and a Half Men. But having read the show's description on CBS.com, I'll tell you this -- David Conrad (who portrays Melinda's newlywed husband, Jim) has less job security than Dom Capers. Suppose the show survives for a couple of seasons, then the ratings start to slide. Do you think they'll react by bringing in a lovable kid (a la The Brady Bunch, Good Times, Growing Pains, The Cosby Show, etc.)? No, of course not -- they'll just murder Jim, then have a few "very special" episodes where he comes back from the grave to help Melinda track down the killers.

(Incidentally, the episode where Jim dies will mark the first time that Ghost Whisperer viewers of BOTH sexes will need to keep a box of tissue handy.)

Next thing you know, David Conrad is working at Starbucks and fighting back the tears every time one of his customers says, "Hey, aren't you that guy? The one who was on that show with the chick from I Know What You Did Last Summer? Damn, she's hot! Wow ... anyway, I'll have a grande mocha Frappuccino ... "

But I digress. Mowing down grandmothers isn't my style, so I'm going to kick back on my couch and log on to the CBS.com store, where I can find something for everyone on my shopping list ... even today's most prominent sports figures:

Kenny Rogers: Check out the first paragraph of this AP story:

DALLAS -- The Tigers worked to finalize a $16 million, two-year agreement with Kenny Rogers on Thursday in a deal that will give Detroit a 41-year-old All-Star left-hander it hopes can provide veteran leadership to a young rotation.

What in the hell is going on in Detroit??? First the Pistons pass on Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade to select Darko Milicic. Then Sergei Fedorov splits for Anaheim. Then the Lions use three consecutive first-round picks on wide receivers, and inexplicably get rid of Steve Mariucci instead of Joey Harrington.

Now the Tigers brass apparently thinks, "Hmmm ... we have all of these young pitchers, and no one to teach them how to be whiny prima donnas or two-bit thugs. Somebody get Kenny Rogers' agent on the phone!"

Two years, $16 million. Sweet monkey pie! His gift: Price Is Right T-shirt -- size extra small, just to annoy him.

Ron Artest: It's easy to see why the Pacers are so mystified by Artest's trade request. On one hand, he says he wants to play in a less structured system where he'd have more scoring opportunities, which would put him in position for a more lucrative contract when his current deal expires in 2008. OK, that's reasonable. Then he goes on to say this;

"I would go to Cleveland. I wouldn't mind coming off the bench behind LeBron James. There's a lot of players I wouldn't mind coming off the bench behind."

Say what? Artest already averages 19.4 ppg. He thinks he'll do better than that by playing behind LeBron? This would be like Ben Roethlisberger saying, "I want to play in a pass-oriented offense," then adding, "I wouldn't mind coming off the bench behind Peyton Manning."

It's tough enough to trade Artest, as 1) he's a headcase and 2) his $6.5 million salary is meager for All-Stars, which means Indiana probably won't get equal value in return. On top of that, Artest shoots off his mouth and robs the Pacers of any leverage in negotiations. But it sounds like Artest will be gone soon, which is why his gift is Without a Trace: The Complete First Season DVD.

Doug Christie: What the world's most whipped man needs, obviously, is a new set of testicles. Unfortunately, those aren't available in the CBS online store. Maybe in Rosie O'Donnell's store, but I don't have a discount there. So he'll have to settle for this Touched By An Angel Pink T-Shirt (with Daisy). Why did I get him this? Because I couldn't find a skirt in his size.

Shaquille O'Neal: When the Heat picked up Jason Williams and Antoine Walker, I said it was like intentionally acquiring the clap. Twenty games into the season, it looks like I was only half right. Despite knee troubles, White Chocolate has exceeded my expectations with 2.3 assists for every turnover. But 'Toine is up to his usual antics, jacking up a 3-point attempt every 5.7 minutes and hitting just 33 percent of them (not to mention 54.8 percent of his free throws). I presume this is what prompted Stan Van Gundy to return to his old job as Ron Jeremy's stunt double.

Of course, the Heat have been missing a big piece in the middle. Speaking of which, Shaq should have hours of fun with this CSI: Miami 1,000 piece puzzle, which seems appropriate for South Florida's most famous reserve police officer.

Marcus Vick: Michael Vick can't be in Blacksburg to keep an eye on his younger sibling, who has made some dubious decisions in the past. But next time Marcus ponders a night of drinking with 14- and 15-year-old girls, maybe he'd have second thoughts after reaching for this Big Brother shot glass.

Quin Snyder: Missouri opened its season with a loss to Sam Houston State, then barely beat Northwestern State before losing last week to Davidson. Thus, Snyder seems like a guy who could use a Survivor immunity bracelet -- although maybe he already has one, having kept his job after the Ricky Clemons scandal.

Tony Dungy: Should the Colts go for 16-0, or should they rest their starters and set their sights on the Super Bowl? I made up my mind on Sunday night after seeing this exchange in the film Troy:

Boy: The man you're fighting ... he's the biggest man I've ever seen. I wouldn't want to fight him.

Achilles: That's why no one will remember your name.

(Incidentally, since it's clearly being used for work, can I now write off my cable bill as a business expense? Because if it's that simple, get ready for lots of blogs about lap dances.)

One would think that the Super Bowl is the ultimate goal for any NFL player (aside from David Carr, for whom survival is the best-case scenario). Maybe it is, but as a fan, I want to see something unique. Think about the brutal series of blowout losses by Denver or Buffalo that we all endured from 1987-94. Other than the Scott Norwood game, they all blur together in my mind.

But an unbeaten season is immortality. As an added bonus, if one of the Colts' stars does get hurt in the regular season finale against Arizona, we'll get to watch half of the panel show blowhards in America have simultaneous aneurysms. It's a no-lose proposition for the fans. We'll either see an historic athletic achievement, or we'll get to watch Woody Paige or Skip Bayless scream himself to death.

Since my position on this was inspired by a movie, Coach Dungy gets popcorn. Specifically, Explod-O-Pop, as seen on the Late Show with David Letterman.

Stacy Keibler: My longtime associate The Freak tells me that everyone's favorite WWE diva is the woman for whom Ric Flair bought a $92,000 ring ... which, as one might imagine, did not make Mrs. Flair very happy. I haven't been able to verify The Freak's information, but if it's true, this means she made an unprecedented leap from David Flair to the Nature Boy. That's like being called straight up from Single-A to the big leagues! For such a bold move, she gets a Bold and the Beautiful Teardrop-Shaped Key Tag. It's small gift, but the woman who's with Slick Ric already has it all.

The Freak also wants me to mention what I want for Christmas, but I can't think of anything. It's like Tyler Durden says in Fight Club: "The things you own end up owning you." All I really want is peace on Earth, a milder hurricane season in 2006 and continued success for the Tar Heels. But I'll settle for a torrid affair with Jennifer Love Hewitt.

It has recently been brought to my attention that I've managed to live in South Florida for seven months and, inexplicably, failed to visit the Burt Reynolds & Friends Museum.

See, that's the kind of gentleman Burt Reynolds is; instead of just focusing on his own achievements as an actor and athlete, he puts his friends right up in the title. And what do his friends say in return?

"Burt Reynolds is every man. He is the one the ladies want to dance with and their husbands like to drink with. He is the larger than life actor of our times." -- Frank Sinatra

"Burt Reynolds is one of the most considerable actors of today. His sense of wicked wit mixed with vulnerability equals pure enchantment." -- Elizabeth Taylor

"I can't tell you enough about how he loves to help young people. It takes my breath away. He is a superb teacher." -- Charles Nelson Reilly

That's right -- Burt takes Charles Nelson Reilly's breath away. High praise from the man who, as Will Ferrell so eloquently put it, "portrayed Don Don Canneloni in Cannonball Run 2 -- a performance so scrumtrilescent, I can barely move."

You know what else is scrumtrilescent? Everything about the Burt Reynolds & Friends Museum. Burt's sports memorabilia collection is highlighted by Fred Biletnikoff's last jar of Stick-um and a bat signed by "Mark McGuire" (note to the folks at the museum: that autograph might be a forgery).

And of course, there's memorabilia from Burt's many outstanding films, including the Deliverance canoe, his helmet from The Longest Yard and ... God help me ... the car. I mean, THE car, people.

And if you have to ask which car I'm referring to, we're not even living on the same planet.

There's so much to love about Smokey and the Bandit : Burt's genius, the cool car, Jerry Reed's singing, the smoking hot Sally Field (circa 1977) and a comedic performance by Jackie Gleason that ranks right up there with Ted Knight in Caddyshack. The film has aged well and remains relevant (you have to admit, driving from Atlanta to Texarkana to pick up 400 cases of Coors and returning in under 28 hours remains quite a feat). And all of us -- even world-famous athletes -- can learn valuable lessons from the best lines:

____________________

(As The Bandit relaxes in a hammock)

Big Enos: Son, you're looking at a legend.

Little Enos: I guess a legend and an out-of-work bum look a lot alike, daddy.

This one, obviously, is dedicated to Terrell Owens. The conventional wisdom is that T.O. will lay low until the Eagles cut him, then blame the whole debacle on Drew Rosenhaus -- which is plausible, in the aftermath of their surreal press conference. Maybe Mike Shanahan will be nutty enough to buy it, or maybe Mike Vick will be desperate enough for a big-play receiver. Otherwise, T.O. will be the new Dennis Rodman, desperately trying to stay in the headlines with outrageous off-the-field behavior because his playing days are over.

____________________

Buford T. Justice: Now, you can THINK about it ... but don't do it!

For any NFL team tempted to pick up T.O. -- or for any athlete tempted to sign with Rosenhaus.

____________________

Carrie: Don't you ever take off that stupid hat?

Bandit: I take my hat off for one thing, one thing only.

Carrie: Oh ...

(beat)

Carrie: Take your hat off.

(Bandit looks stunned)

Carrie: I mean, If you want to ...

Bandit: I want to.

This is dedicated to Edmonton Oilers forward Ryan Smith, who should never, ever wear a hat. According to the Edmonton Sun, Oilers fan Lilian Hosking had one wish for her 101st birthday: to run her fingers through Smith's glorious mullet. Smith obliged, the Sun says, and began to blush. Bottom line, here's what we now know about Edmonton: Worst. Groupies. Ever.

____________________

Cledus Snow: Besides, I can't go with you. I got to go to Conyers in the morning and pick up a load of manure.

Bandit: Um, (crappy) job.

This is for David Carr. I'm no lawyer, but if the Texans have the chance to pick D'Brickashaw Ferguson and take Reggie Bush instead, I think they should be charged with reckless endangerment. As I understand it, Carr would have to prove that the Texans displayed a depraved indifference to human life and engaged in conduct that created a grave risk of death. Exhibit A: Houston allowed 49 sacks in 2004. Exhibit B: They've allowed 55 sacks through 12 games this season. Your Honor, the prosecution rests.

____________________

Buford T. Justice: Nobody, and I mean NOBODY makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker!

This is for Titans coach Jeff Fisher, who is understandably irate about a stunt Indianapolis pulled just before halftime on Sunday. Peyton Manning handed the ball to an official and the Colts started heading to the locker room -- then reversed field in an apparent effort to get one more play. I realize that Peyton Manning is the new "Mr. Perfect," since Curt Hennig is no longer with us. Heck, Manning might as well do Hennig's trademark gum-slap on the way out of the tunnel. But this crosses the line from "heads-up play" to "being a punk." Even if you don't think it's unsportsmanlike, why waste it on the Titans?

____________________

Buford T. Justice: Hold up on that car wash now, gentlemen!

This one is for my Tar Heels -- or, more accurately, to my fellow Tar Heel fans, following a closer-than-expected loss to Illinois and a stunning win at Kentucky. UNC is back in the top 25 and it's tempting to get all worked into a lather about how well the freshmen are playing. Tyler Hansbrough was recently asked at a press conference if Carolina could repeat as national champions, for God's sake.

"I think we can, I think anyone playing on our team thinks we can," said Hansbrough. "We don't think we're going to lose to anybody."

Whoa. I like his confidence, but we all know the season will have its highs and lows. Two stretches in particular (vs. BC, vs. Arizona, at Maryland and then at Wake, at N.C. State, vs. Maryland) could be downright ugly. But yeah, my prediction of a 14-13 record is looking dumber by the day.

Incidentally, I'm not sure which Tar Heel started the buzz cut trend -- I'm assuming it was Bobby Frasor -- but Hansbrough has benefited the most. When I was young and spry, my barber Everett would ask if I wanted a buzz cut every time I sat down in his chair, but I foolishly stuck with my parted-to-the-side mass of cowlicks. Somebody really should have held an intervention. So, these kids are a lot smarter than I was.

____________________

Sheriff Branford: The fact that you are a sheriff is not germane to the situation.

Buford T. Justice: The #&@! Germans got nothin' to do with it!

This communication breakdown goes out to Washington State basketball player Randy Green, who pulled a Randy Moss and went to the locker room with five minutes remaining in a win over Wyoming. Afterward, coach Dick Bennett said Green was off the team. Now he's saying it was just a misunderstanding, and Green thought he had been ordered to leave the court. Whatever. I just needed an excuse to use the "Germans" quote, which is my favorite line in the movie.

____________________

Buford T. Justice: There's no way, NO WAY that you came from my loins.

For Ric Flair, whose son David has been a constant disappointment. I demand to see DNA evidence that they are actually related.

By the way, the Nature Boy has had a rough week. First he was charged with injury to personal property and simple assault and battery following an alleged road rage incident. Now comes the news that Flair is in the midst of a divorce from his wife Elizabeth, to whom he currently pays $20,000 a month. As the Charlotte Observer reported:

In an affidavit asking for support payments, Elizabeth estimates that she spends $65,000 a year on clothing and $50,000 on vacations. She said she spent $50,000 on Christmas gifts in 2004.

And to top it off, Flair's wages are being garnisheed by $200,000 a year as a result of a $1 million debt to the feds. No wonder Flair is a little tense these days. If I were an IRS agent working this case, I'd just accept the fact that I'm going to be hit with a vicious series of knife-edge chops and then locked into the figure four.

____________________

Cledus Snow: Oh, no! Hey, Bandit, listen to this!

(Siren blares out of Bandit's CB)

Cledus Snow: You know who that is? That's Mr. Evel Knievel. He snuck in my back door, son, when I wasn't lookin'. You better flip-flop back here and gimme a hand, son, or we gonna be in a heap of trouble. Please roger that transmission!

Bandit: Hold on to Fred, son! Here comes the cavalry!

This goes out to my entire fantasy basketball team, "Touche's Gold Tooth" (it's an homage to Jeff McInnis, although he isn't on my roster). We're a bit banged up, as Josh Howard, Joe Smith, Leandro Barbosa and Shaun Livingston are all out ... along with Shaquille O'Neal, whose injury is entirely my fault.

I was feeling good about my team, having grabbed Iverson in the first round, Shaq in the second and my favorite player (Rasheed) in the third. So during one of our nightly staff meetings, as we mulled over possible home cover stories, I chimed in with, "Probably not the NBA -- unless Shaq gets hurt."

Two hours later ... yep.

Anyway, the cavalry is on the way, as most of my guys will hobble their way back onto the court in the next week or so. But since I'm obviously jinxed, from now on I'm only picking players I can't stand -- which essentially limits my draft pool to Duke alumni and Kobe.

____________________

Buford T. Justice: What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law.

Last but not least, this goes out to the one and only Michael Irvin, who's run into legal trouble again. I absolutely believe the Playmaker's contention that the pipe found in his possession belonged to a friend. I also believe that Chris Berman's shtick hasn't grown tired, Dick Vitale is completely objective and Stephen A. Smith should speak up.

A mea culpa: In part two of my ACC analysis, I called Littlejohn Coliseum "a dump." It turns out that the building has been renovated since I was last there. So what I should have written was, "Littlejohn Coliseum is much less of a dump than it used to be."

My larger point was that the Clemson job is a risky career move for Oliver Purnell. Even with their improved facilities, there's no way the Tigers can consistently out-recruit UNC, Duke, N.C. State, Wake Forest, Georgia Tech, Maryland or Virginia (once the Cavs' new arena opens up next year). That's why they'll always struggle in the ACC -- and if they ever become decent, their coach will invariably leave for greener pastures (or at least a place with fewer pastures).

That's what I believe, anyway.

Which reminds me -- a reader took me to task for using personal pronouns. Bear in mind, dictionary.com defines "blog" as "an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page." But to avoid personal pronouns, I'll gladly start referring to myself in the third person. Matt Rehm would greatly enjoy that, although Matt Rehm knows no one else would find it the least bit amusing.

I also know that my public displays of affection for UNC can be nauseating. However, the contention that it's unprofessional -- within the context of a blog -- is dead wrong. Everybody who is passionate about sports has a favorite team or athlete. In the newsroom, we put those opinions aside and maintain objectivity when we write headlines, edit stories, build covers, etc.

Blogs, on the other hand, are pointless unless they're opinionated. And in my opinion, Duke sucks, Maryland's fans are thugs, Wake Forest may not reach the Final Four in my lifetime, Clemson is doomed to struggle and UNC is the epitome of all that is good, sacred and righteous.

In addition to those timeless truths, here are a few things I learned during the ACC/Big Ten Challenge:

• Herb Sendek loves his silver linings: N.C. State's coach said this after a 45-42 loss to Iowa: "It was an excellent college basketball game for this early in the season. Going into the game our preparation was excellent and it paid dividends as we held off a very good offensive team." Paid dividends? Held them off? Isn't that something you'd say after a win?

• Raising Hale: With freshman Harvey Hale helping at the point, Justin Gray erupted for 37 points as Wake Forest nipped Wisconsin 91-88. I still think Wake is overrated -- as Skip Prosser noted, Gray's "not going to get 37 every night" -- but the more Hale can contribute, the more Gray can slide over to the two spot and the better the Deacs will be.

• UNC will be OK: I've never been so happy after a loss. Heck, I've never been remotely happy after a loss, but I'm very impressed with the freshmen. My projection of 14 regular season wins may be low, but probably not by much. The young Tar Heels were scrappy but they couldn't buy a 3-pointer until the waning minutes against Illinois, and they allowed way too many wide-open looks on the perimeter.

• Die hard: Georgia Tech was down 10 with under 1:30 to play at Michigan State -- then hit five 3-pointers in a row and had a chance to win at the buzzer. Impressive stuff from a young group that's a year away from being really good. I had the Jackets pegged for 11th place in the ACC, but if they start playing defense (MSU shot 58.6 percent from the field), Paul Hewitt's squad could be a pleasant surprise.

Another pleasant surprise is that it's barely past 2 a.m., and I'm already writing the phrase "On to the night note." I'm stunned, like Kansas coach Bill Self at the end of tonight's loss to Nevada.

No technical issues

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