This past week Hollywood lost a member of one of its most revered fraternities -- coattail riding brothers.

Chris Penn, brother of Jeff Spicoli, hit the bucket at the age of 40, casting a dark shadow on all the no-talent hacks getting free lunches courtesy of their genetic better. Chris, five years

Sean’s junior never saw his name atop the marquee, never tasted Hollywood’s finest arm candy and was never respected well-enough to have his political two cents dissected on FoxNews.

But Chris, and everyone in Hollywood devoid of fatherly love, is the backbone of the Hollywood system. Without the Chris’s leaching off their brothers, we wouldn’t have some of our best character actors. We wouldn’t have people for young agents to practice their skills on. We wouldn’t have the wonderful assortment of made-for-TV movies we’re accustomed too and we wouldn’t have a full guest list at the Playboy Mansion. Those are all things I’m not willing to say goodbye too. I mean did we lose a war or something?

But Chris’s passing has me thinking. With so many no-talent hacks getting laid and paid because of their bros, how does Nice Guy Eddie Cabot stack up to some of his contemporaries?

I’ve dug up some of the more recognizable genetic tandems in recent Hollywood history to create the ultimate battlefield of brotherly love.

Apparently those wacky Nantucket pilots Brian and Joe Hackett aren’t brothers in real life. What’s next Larry and Balki aren’t really cousins?

The tournament is divided into two rounds. Solo battles and clan battles. And all contestants were aked to fill out comment cards to help provide you with vital information.

Winners will be determined by you the voters (scroll down to the message board to vote and make your case) and round 2 will take place next week:

One-on-one tournament:

Think my calves would look good in Calvins:

Kevin Dillon
I know I've seen you in: Entourage
No kidding, you were in: The Rescue
Bro helped me get the role in: Platoon
I killed my agent after: Viking Quest ["I've been working steady for the past twelve years, minus the last three."]
Kay's take: After looking like there was no escape from anonymity, K-Dill is back, stealing all the jokes in Entourage.

 

VS

 

Donnie Wahlberg
I know I’ve seen you in: New Kids on the Block
No kidding, you were in: The Sixth Sense [You mean to tell me the kid can’t really see dead people?]
Bro helped me get the role in: Band of Brothers
I killed my agent after: He wasn’t invited into the Funky Bunch
Kay's take: With Mark's career sputtering in the new millennium, the door is open for Donnie dark horse.

Dad doesn't love us nearly as much:

Chris Penn
I know I've seen you in: Reservoir Dogs
No kidding, you were in: Best of the Best [Best actor I ever worked with -- Phillip Rhee -- hands down]
Bro helped me get the role in: Footloose
I killed my agent after: Corky Romano
Kay's take: His death in the beginning of Best of the Best II remains one of my harder-to-shake childhood memories.

 

VS

 

Casey Affleck
I know I've seen you in: Ocean's 11
No kidding, you were in: Race the Sun
Bro helped me get the role in: Good Will Hunting [They never asked me if I like apples. Apples are yummy.]
I killed my agent after: Ocean’s 12
Kay's take: Gaining in the 'better Affleck' race simply by staying quiet. 

Both our brothers are dead -- Fred's not, you say:

Ben Savage
I know I've seen you in: Boy Meets World
No kidding, you were in: Party of Five
Bro helped me get the role in: Little Monsters [Howie Mandell still puts Saran wrap on my toilet seat.]
I killed my agent after: Fred got the role in the Princess Bride
Kay's take: Unlike big bro, the curse of Howie Mandell is strong on this one.

 

VS

 

Jim Belushi
I know I've seen you in: Mr. Destiny
No kidding, you were in: Taking Care of Business
Bro helped me get the role in: Trading Places [They tried to put me in a gorilla suit but I said good-day to that my friend. Jimmy’s all ape my friend. Ditch the suit.].
I killed my agent after: A Bears loss in the mid-90’s
Kay's take: Can't even win the best 'cop/dog movie' award, losing to Turner and Hooch.

Our bros did lots of drugs:

Charlie Murphy
I know I've seen you in: Chapelle’s Show
No kidding, you were in: CB4
Bro helped me get the role in: Mo Better Blues
I killed my agent after: Rick James introduced his palm to my face [Before I killed him, I served him pancakes.].
Kay's take: Quoted almost as much as Frank the Tank and Napolean Dynamite combined.

 

VS

 

Robert Carradine
I know I’ve seen you in: Revenge of the Nerds [Ted McGinley's really a nice guy once you get to know him]
No kidding, you were in: The Lizzy McGuire Movie
Bro helped get the role in: Cannonball!
I killed my agent after: Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love
Kay's take: "We got Poindexter on the violin, and Lewis and Gilbert will be joining. We got Booger Presley on the mean guitar and a rap by little ol' me Lamar. We got Takashi beating on his gong, the boys and the MU's are clapping along."

 

Battle for all the calzones:

Frank Stallone
I know I've seen you in: Rocky I
No kidding, you were in: Walker Texas Ranger [Mr. Norris tried to sell me a TotalGym, I said Frank Stallone doesn’t need no TotalGym. Frank Stallone already has friend named Jimmy.]
Bro helped me get the role in: Everything I've ever done
I killed my agent after: I have an agent?
Kay's take: Proves once and for all that steroid use is genetic.

 

VS

 

Joey Travolta
I know I’ve seen you in: Beverly Hills Cop III
No kidding, you were in: the director’s chair for the ultimate trifecta [I”ve directed movies that star: Shannon Tweed, Gary Busey and C. Thomas Howell].
Bro helped me get the role in: You must mean the role I helped little Johnny get
I killed my agent after: When he called my house asking for Vinnie Barbarino
Kay's take: Few directors can tame the beast inside (blogosphere fave) C. Thomas Howell -- Travolta wasn't one of them.

Isn't Paul Reiser in your bro's show:

Chris Masterson
I know I’ve seen you in: Malcolm in the Middle [Ever wonder why Malcom gets to be in the middle? I mean there were four of us when the show started, it could just have easily been Reese.]
No kidding, you were in: Scary Movie 2
Bro helped get the role in: My Best Friend’s Wedding
I killed my agent after: He put me on a show chock-full of dudes
Kay's take: When your father figure is Tommy Chong, you know things are looking hazy.

 

VS

 

Emilio Estevez
I know I've seen you in: Young Guns [If only Billy the Kid would have made me famous]
No kidding, you were in: Repo Man
Bro helped me get the role in: The Outsiders
I killed my agent after: He wouldn’t allow me to change my name to Gordon.
Kay's take: He taught us all that: "There are several sacred things in this world that you don't ever mess with. One of them happens to be another man's fries. Now, you remember that, and you will live a long and healthy life."

Survivor Series Tournament:

Whoa:

The Baldwins
I know I’ve seen you in: Backdraft, Usual Suspects, Alec and Kim’s wedding movie
No kidding, you were in: The Squid and the Whale, Bio Dome, Alec’s car -- once
Bro helped me get the role in: Flatliners, Threesome, Alec says I’m too fat
I killed my agent after: Fair Game, Flinstone’s Viva Las Vegas, Alec won’t let me talk to Mr. Rosenberg
Kay's take: You know what the worst thing about being a Baldwin is ...

 

VS.

 

The Lawrences
I know I’ve seen you two in: Boy Meets World
No kidding, you two were in: Mrs Doubtfire [Quiet Adam]
Bro helped us get roles in: Blossom
We killed our agent after: He published those pictures of us with Jenna Von Oy
Kay's take: Arguably spent more time on the cover of Tigerland than in front of a camera ... Whoa!

Homey don't like the Frat pack:

The Wayans
I know I’ve seen you in: Last Boy Scout, White Chicks, Scary Movie[s]
No kidding, you were in: The Great White Hype, Requiem for a Dream, Don’t be a Menace to South Central while Drinking your Juice in the Hood
Bro helped me get a role in: In Living Color, In Living Color, In Living Color
I killed my agent after: Blankman, Senseless, he made me work with Kim
Kay's take: Cassevettes, Fondas, Barrymores, Wayans ...

 

VS

 

The Wilsons
I know I've seen you in: Old School, Zoolander [I’m credited as Hansel’s corner guy. My name is Andrew by the way.]
No kidding, you were in: Every chick flick in the past five years, everything my brothers do
Bro helped me get the role in: Bottle Rocket, read above
I killed my agent after: Blue Streak [Quick, name three Martin Lawrence movies where he’s not playing a cop or a robber …], he said I am so hot right now
Kay's take: Never a paycheck the Wilson's could refuse.

Post of the week:

Several things about our boy CT [C. Thomas Howell]:
1. He sometimes goes by the name CT
2. He was named the California Junior Rodeo Association's all around junior boys champion for 1980 and '81.
3. He was in the movie Soul Man, which was always on Comedy Central when we were in college. In case you don't remember, he played a guy that pretended to be black (using shoe polish I think) so that he could get a minority scholarship to Harvard. Best CT Howell movie ever.
-- Wagemonkey

My eyes, the goggles they do nuttin'!

I couldn't believe my peepers when I looked at the box score from the Warriors-Lakers game Saturday night. A one Kwame (Pronounced Kway-m) Brown dropped in 18 points and 12 rebounds (Ugh, Eric, he had two points in 31 minutes Monday night. Silence!). I've waited nearly three months for a line like that from the former Bullets malcontent.

You see, Bad, bad Kwame Brown was the baddest No. 1 pick in town since being drafted, and hence shipped out to Hollywood for Caron Butler and Chucky Atkins. What seperated me from most anti-Kwamians was that I fully expected Kwame to have a breakout year donning the purple and yellow. Most people who follow the Bullets closely expected this waste of talent to whine his away out of Phil Jackson's zen garden and eventually resurface as Gang Member #7 in the latest Rick Fox flick.

But alas, Saturday night Kwame did his best rendition of the movie Vice Versa and exchanged minds, souls, innards, whatever with Dwight Howard, Josh Howard, Juwan Howard or even Shemp Howard. It wasn't supposed to take three months of playing to have a performance like that -- and it's going to cost me.

Most Washingtonians severed their ties with Kwame the moment he was shipped off to the O.C., but not me, I boldly predicted Kwame would have a career year, a Jermaine O'Neal-esque 2001-02 season.

My faith was so strong; I entered into a little wager with my old pal Elan on how Kwame would do this year. Elan was confident that Kwame was destined for a 315-pound Kevin Duckworth-type season. I on the other hand, expected a 275-pound Kevin Duckworth-type season.

The stakes: An authentic Peter John Ramos jersey.

Who's Peter John Ramos? Peter John Ramos (And yes, his name must be said in its entirety when he's introduced) keeps seats warmer than Bonnie Grape (Inappropriate my good man). He's a 'project' player who's known in certain D.C. circles for his party ways. Hence, he's earned the nickname 'Partyboy' or 'Party' John Ramos. He's 50 percent good times, 40 percent excellent times and 10 percent Tommy Lee times.

Point is, I'm probably out $150 or so if Kwame doesn't pick things up (Eric, how could you make such a ridiculous wager?). Yes, I'm aware this bet is up there with betting against the Globetrotters, taking the under on 15 Bowflex commercials in one ESPNews sitting and a parlay with David Hasslehoff, Don 'The Dragon' Wilson, Doink the Clown and Billy Blanks all defeating Chuck Norris in a United Fighting Arts Federation match.

But there's still hope. We're not even at the halfway point and he's posted at least nine rebounds in four of his last six. Speaking of five (You weren't speaking of five), that’s the number of players selected in the first round of 2001 who had run-ins with Johnny-law (At least while pros--sorry J-Rich).

Kwame made headlines as a 19-year-old when he took his Ferrari out for a little spin, going 120 mph when he was pulled over. When the cop told him how fast he was going, Kwame responded: "You must have got me going uphill." Weeks later Wes Unseld found Kwame workin' on da chain.

We here at SportsLine.com pulled out all the stops, having the notorious Fab-5 fill out these comment cards. Here are the responses from the ballers my colleague Mihai would refer to as possessing 'criminal elements.'

KWAME BROWN:
Drafted: 1st overall
Turn ons: Driving down the back roads of Georgia in my Ferrari
Turn offs: Having mean ol' state troopers make me blow into a plastic straw
Ambitions: To go medieval ala Pulp Fiction's Marsellus on Michael Jordan and Doug Collins
Person I admire most: Tony Stewart
Favorite movie: 2 Fast 2 Furious
Bust [potential] (larger = higher likely to fail in NBA): Anna Nicole Smith
Waist[ed] talent: First team High School All-American
Kay's take: One tall, useless jerky

EDDIE GRIFFIN:
Drafted: 7th overall
Turn ons: Going AWOL
Turn offs: Women with glass chins
Ambitions: To become a contest on WifeSwat
Person I admire most: Ike Turner
Favorite movie: Raging Bull
Bust [potential]: Donna D' Errico
Waist[ed] talent: Averaged 17.8 points at Seton Hall
Kay's take: His antics are as comical as that pimp in Deuce Bigalow

RODNEY WHITE:
Drafted: 9th overall
Turn ons: Hunting for, ugh, ugh, pigeons in D.C.
Turn offs: Gun permits and pesky Secret Service agents
Ambitions: To open a shooting rage in Rock Creek Park
Person I admire most: Ted Nugent
Favorite movie: In the Line of Fire (until Malkovich dies)
Bust [potential]: Janet Lupo
Waist[ed] talent: Led Newport School to Montgomery County (Md.) championship
Kay's take: White's destined to be wearing stripes

ZACH RANDOLPH:
Drafted: 19th overall
Turn ons: Packing up Bonzi Bong Wells while driving his car
Turn offs: Opening the windows while hot boxing
Ambitions: To play for Team USA in Olympic games at Copenhagen
Person I admire the most: Ex-Blazer J.R. Rider
Favorite movie: Homegrown
Bust [potential]: Erika Eleniak
Waist[ed] talent: Averaged 10.8 points as Michigan State -- as a freshman
Kay's take: Sans Mortimor, Randolph is back!

JOE FORTE
Drafted: 21st overall
Turn ons: Singing in the shower, wearing opponent's jerseys prior to games, carrying concealed weapons
Turn offs: Getting punched by Jerome James, coaches
Ambitions: Having Jay-z produce a shower-rap CD
Person I admire the most: Ron Artest and anybody on the NBA Jam Session CD
Favorite movie: Singing in the Rain
Bust [potential]: Shannon Tweed
Waist[ed] talent: McDonald's All-American at DeMatha High School (Md.)
Kay's take: Just another delinquent Tar Heel

Quick thoughts on 24:

How is there no video game version?
When did they allow hobbits in CTU?
Thank heaven Tony Almeida is near death
Derek wears lipstick
What would Edgar do?

As always, trying to capture the spirit of the things ... holla on the boards.

Did you see it on CBS Sports? Or rather, did you see it on the lucrative spot in the top right corner on the SportsLine.com homepage? Yes, I'm talking about the ad for the Burt Reynolds straight-to-DVD flick, Cloud Nine (good to see he still has two balls).

The soon to be 70-year-old actor teams up with D.L. Hughley and Gabrielle Reece to star in what IMDB.com describes as: A washed out former star in need of money has a get rich plan ... start a volleyball team whose players consist of group of beautiful athletic strippers.

For some reason I swear I had that same idea one evening as I sat at the bar, drowning in Jack after watching Sideout . But oh well, some suit in Hollywood beat me to it. I guess that’s what I get for being a film minor, not a film major. Anyways, to celebrate Burt the skirts 118th film and/or television performance, let's take a look at how the Bandit stacks up with some other members of the great Class of '36.

Note: I tread lightly here. As with my last column, which involved Ric Flair, once again I'm trespassing with one of Mr. Rehm’s most sacred figures. A devoted Burt fan, I hope not to burn any bridges when it comes time to play the drinkin' to Smokey and the Bandit game. It's a lot like drinkin' to Braveheart. In this case you don't drink when someone dies, but rather when Bandit eyeballs Sally Field's legs.

The man:

Burt Reynolds

The challengers:

Dennis Hopper
Kris Kristofferson
Jim Henson
Bruce Dern
Louis Gossett Jr

About the group

This group of actors is more bridesmaid than bride when it comes to taking home the trophy. Among the lot, they’ve been honored with a bunch of nominations that includes seven Oscars, 24 Golden Globes, 22 Emmies and nine Razzies. Only Sweet Lou has won anything meaningful -- a supporting actor statue for An Officer and a Gentleman -- unless you include Reynolds’ Razzie award for his performance in Striptease. I thought he stole the movie, particularly when he's covered head to toe in Vaseline and a bit of Bandit slips out when he says, “We can talk about anything you want, as long as you're naked.”

Round 1: Hardware likely on EBay

OSCARS:
Gossett Jr: His excessive use of the word mayonnaise not withstanding, LGJ made it cool to yell at cadets way before R. Lee Ermey.
GOLDEN GLOBES
Reynolds: A sweet 29 percent success rate including hardware for Evening Shade and Boogie Nights.
EMMYS
Henson: Batted .250 for his work with the Muppets. The man was nominated as frequently as he had his hand up some dolls …
RAZZIES
Reynolds: A Sylvester Stallone-esque two for six including Cop and a Half and the aforementioned Striptease.

WINNER
Reynolds boogies his way to an early lead.

Examining mantle fodder is one thing, I mean Titanic took in around 49 statues (cough, Billy Zane). The true test comes in how these sprightly geriatrics are remembered when their time in the spotlight is up and they are confined to made-for-TV roles as politicians and grandparents.

Random question: Would you rather Rent in the city or own a home on Brokeback Mountain?

The beauty of theses gentleman is that our parents are just as familiar with their works as we are, maybe more so. What mom didn’t have the Burt Reynolds’ vs. Tom Skerritt’s (class of ’35) mustache would tickle me more argument with their girlfriends? And who's dad didn’t wonder which '36er was more stoned: Jim Henson creating Labyrinth or Dennis Hopper directing Easy Rider?

Round 2: Role our parents love

Reynolds: Smokey and the Bandit
The consummate good bad guy. Dads love him because he's running booze with an underage dame in the passenger seat. Moms love him because they want to be the broad.
Bruce Dern: The Great Gatsby
Saved our parents the time and trouble of actually reading the book.
Kris Kristofferson: Convoy
Based on a country song and starring the one-time, super-hot Ali McGraw. Solid in ways the Dukes of Hazzard remake only dreams.
Dennis Hopper: Easy Rider
Taught our parents that the best way to get tail was to hang out with Peter Fonda.
Louis Gossett Jr: An Officer and a Gentleman
Women hated him for making the dreamy Richard Gere do all those pushups, men loved him for that reason.
Jim Henson: The Muppet Movie
When your special guest stars include Charles Durning, Bob Hope and Dom DeLuise you know you're not talking to my generation.

WINNER

Easy Rider skidmarks past the competition as it launched the career of Jack Nicholson and made hippie life seem cool -- until the ending.

It’s funny how one generation comes to understand an icon from times past. For example, I know Andy Griffith as the white-suit wearing overzealous lawyer Ben Matlock. Apparently, he also had a popular show in the 40s. So they say. Also, I grew up thinking Robert Stack was a man devoted to finding out the truth behind the world’s Unsolved Mysteries . Who knew he was a studio-bred, one-time Oscar nominee. And then there’s Chuck Norris. I grew up thinking he was the epitome of modern-day masculinity, the driving force behind home-gym equipment and the one remaining icon unashamed to flaunt his robust chest and facial hair in an ever-growing anti-hair society. Apparently he also used to kick ass. Some things never change!

Point is, Reynolds and his colleagues have epitomized the Hollywood wave. They’ve experienced Tinsletown’s highs (literally in Hopper’s case), lows (Rent-A-Cop) and moderate highs again (supporting roles in the Blade trilogy).

Round 3: Role I love

Burt Reynolds: Boogie Nights
Taught us that when your career is down and out, there’s always the porn industry.
Bruce Dern: The 'burbs
"Hey, Ricky, get this lame-o out of your yard!" Arguably my favorite movie.
Kris Kristofferson: Blade
Proved that white guys not named Woody can star alongside Wesley Snipes.
Dennis Hopper: Blue Velvet
Pop quiz hot shot, what’s Hopper huffing when he’s raping Isabella Rosselini and tormenting Kyle McLaughlin? Clue: ping-pong balls.
Louis Gossett Jr: Toy Soldiers/The Principal
Taught us that when terrorists or James Belushi takes over your school, violence is always the best option.
Jim Henson: Fraggle Rock
Dance your cares away, Worry's for another day, Let the music play, Down at Fraggle Rock!

Winner:
Living next to Bruce Dern effectively ended the career of Corey Feldman.

Hitting rock bottom. It happens to everyone. Whether it’s the three palimony payments, the new hotshot actor on the set, or that buddy movie your agent pushed you into, every actor has a few black spots on their resume. These boys are no exception. Here comes the first elimination round.

Eliminator Round: Rock bottom role

Burt Reynolds: Cannonball Run 2
So many choices here, but this flick was made in Reynold’s prime and garnered eight razzie awards.
Bruce Dern: Down Periscope
At least it wasn’t McHale’s Navy with Tom Arnold.
Kris Kristofferson: Christmas in Connecticut
This made-for-TV movie was directed by Arnold Schwarzenegger, has Christmas in the title and is a remake. Its one saving grace, Richard Roundtree has a prominent role.
Dennis Hopper: The Crow: Wicked Prayer
I could have gone so many different ways here: Super Mario Bros., Space Truckers, Waterworld, Crashers. But I decided to go with this little gem because his character's name is El Nino (that’s Spanish for "the Nino”) and it stars the uber-talented Tara Reid.
Louis Gossett Jr: Iron Eagle IV
Must be from the producers of The Substitute and Tremors franchises.
Jim Henson: Labyrinth
Look, I know that I'm supposed to love this movie. But I didn’t see it until I was 20 or so and I must not have been high enough to enjoy watching David Bowie prance around in a codpiece for an hour and a half.

Adios fellas

David Carradine: Death Race 2000 couldn't even save Bill from being killed before I even began this blog.
Kris Kristofferson: His first name is in his last name.
Louis Gossett Jr: I don't want to use the word token but ...
Bruce Dern: If only he hadn't spawned Laura.
Jim Henson: Less Kermit and Ms. Piggy, more Animal and Fozzy.

Sports movies. Withouth them, people wouldn't believe in miracles, confuse Brian Dennehy for Bobby Knights, recognize the name Lattimer in any setting, or know that Jake LaMotta has small hands. And its only fitting that Hopper and Reynolds starred in two of the greatest sports movies of all time.

Its been a while since I've seen either one so I'm going to keep this short and sweet, and let the now two message boarders to make their case.

For all the Canadian Cialis money can buy

Burt Reynolds: The Longest Yard
Dennis Hopper: Hoosiers

You decide the fate!

In lieu of my decorated colleague Matt Rehm publicizing his amazon.com purchases (you'll have to scroll down to Dec. 25), I too will share the harvest that I reaped. To protect the innocent, the amount of the gift certificate will remain confidential. But trust me there was minimal breaching of the card amount on my part. Follow me as I navigate the Amazon (chime in with voice over and catchy jingle) and compare my colleague's purchases with mine. Mr. Rehm has the honors:

A Flair for the 'Zon:

1. To Be the Man by author Rick Flair

Analysis: I have little doubt that any book boasting such a lofty claim could ever fail in its mission. As Mr. Rehm delves further into the storied life of Rick Flair, I expect to see visible changes in my colleague. One can not simply read an autobiography of Rick Flair (a name that must always be said in its entirety) and leave the experience the person they were before picking up the book. It's simply impossible. I can only hope to sponge up some of the leftover Man-ness that Mr. Rehm leaves in his wake. Luckily, his desk is right next to mine.

Grades:

Instant gratification: B (Osmosis aside, reading takes time)

Long-term fulfillment: A-

Potential for re-gifting: A +

2. The Ultimate Rick Flair DVD Collection (three DVDs)

Analysis: The ex-Four Horseman shows up again in Mr. Rehm's personal holiday stocking and I begin to wonder if Mr. Rehm doesn't lie awake in bed, wondering why a movie was made about being John Malcovich when Rick Flair was readily available, with his beautiful head full of pearly-white hair? This again, is a solid buy. It takes you back throughout the rise, fall, rise, fall, rise, slight fall, and bigger rise of the 16-time wrestling champion. This DVD set appeals to me just as much for Rick Flair's opponents as it does the legend himself. Some matches on the DVDs include Rick Flair verse:

Ricky "the Dragon" Steamboat

Dusty Rhodes

Terry Funk

Sting

And a whole slew of greats like the late Jake "the Snake" Roberts in the 1992 Royal Rumble.

Grades:

Instant gratification: A

Long-term fulfillment: B+

Potential for re-gifting: C+ (not a knock on the gift, but Mr. Rehm will likely view the DVDs so often that wear & tear will take hold within 40 business days)

Overall assessment: Two strong purchases, but in my book, quantity is just as important as quality. Amazon.com offers such a wide variety of used products that it seems Mr. Rehm's choice to put all his boas in one steel cage, cobra-clutches his total grade. Final grade: B+

My jungle love:

Before I reveal my purchases, it's only fair to admit I went on to the site knowing full well that I was going to invoke this comparison. I was easy on Mr. Rehm because going first takes guts, particularly when it comes to navigating the Amazon. Here we go. I went with a philosophy of quantity, that at times, involved me sacrificing quality.

Mr. Rehm's wrestling-themed purchases got me itching for something nostalgic and I satisfied that craving with the purchase of a used copy the Best of Wrestlemania XIV. While, I admit this DVD fails to include such legendary matches as Owen Hart verse Bret Hart, Randy Savage verse Ricky Steamboat, or Virgil's defiance of the Million Dollar Man, it does have a mystery match involving one of my favorite wrestlers, Razor Ramon. Is it his bout with the 1-2-3 Kid? We'll find out in 4-10 business days. Also, does it include the epic Ultimate Warrior-Hulk Hogan Wrestlemania VI match? If so, great buy. If not, Mr. Rehm may just receive next year's Christmas gift 11 months early.

Grades:

Instant gratification: A- (the rush of nostalgia may cause a burning sensation)

Long-term fullfillment: B

Potential for re-gifting: B-

Here's where my play for quantity over quality may make or break your thoughts on my purchases. Being that I'm the owner of a combo DVD/VCR player, I go old school (RIP Blue) and settle for some VHS tapes.

Being that it's the cold and flu season, I go with two flicks set in the winter months. The first purchase being the Rick Moranis/Dave Thomas cult classic Strange Brew. It's Bill Shakespeare's Hamlet meets SCTV. And it was before Moranis starting blowing up kids and Thomas co-starred in Grace Under Fire so you know its good, eh?

The second is the best hockey film not involving Gordon Bombay. That would be director George Roy Hill's brilliant take on minor-league hockey -- Slap Shot. Question: Who would be today's version of the Hanson brothers? I'd say Darcy Tucker, Chris Simon and Sean Avery. I'll let these two films speak mostly for themselves...

Grades:

Instant gratification: A

Long-term fullfillment: B- (VHS hurts chances of later viewings)

Potential for regifting: B

Before I reveal my last purchase, I did at one time have a package of Hebrew National smoked turkey in my shopping cart. I was forced to remove it because the shipping on the $1.50 item was around $14 dollars. Makes sense.

I make up for my technological reversion by purchasing a used copy of one of Miami's finest artists. The man, the myth, the dairyaire connosiuer -- Luther Campbell and his CD I got sh*t on my mind is my final purchase. Known in most circles as Luke, Campbell rose to fame as the mastermind behind the greatest booty rap group of all time -- 2 Live Crew. As the group dismantled in the early 90's, Luke released this gem of a CD that takes aim at Kid 'n' Play, NWA and the establishment. Did Bob Dylan ever accomplish such a trifecta? While I can't list any of the essential tracks because, well, they feature bad words, I can tell you that Luke (and keep in mind the name of the CD) is sitting on a toilet wearing a Miami Hurricanes hat, surrounded by some fine babes on the disc's cover. Ahead of his time? Obviously. The orchestrator behind the Seventh Floor Crew? Likely. Hurricane Wilma may have initiated me into the South Florida fraternity. But owning a Luke CD down here is like being in Skull and Bones. This is truly a man who, each and every night, rides it like a Ford.

Grades:

Instant gratification: B+

Long-term fullfilment: A

Potential for regifting: F (I may leave it for my first-born son, maybe)

I'll let the message boarders (all one of them) decide the fate of this battle.

And now, for something somewhat different

Losing the bowl system would be Capital One punishment: I've spent the past week working the covers on a plethora of bowls during Capital One Bowl Week and my stance on a bowl playoff has drastically changed. I came from a mid-major and the only way schools like Miami University, Boise State and TCU can gain name recognition, pull in a cool million or two bucks and give their kids an end-of-the-year incentive is to have all these toilet bowls. Sure, Oregon thinks its criminal to have to play in the Holiday Bowl. But I'll don my Ben Roethlisberger RedHawks jersey with pride if my school was ever gets summoned to play in a bowl after December 23rd.

But there's a more serious reason why we shouldn't go to a 12-team playoff as my felis cattus-loving colleague J. Darin Darst proposes. Those 20 or so bowls that don't get to host games means I don't get to know what MPC Computers is or what the mission statement of Insight may have to do with my existence. I'd personally feel for the fine folks at Emerald nuts and don't think I could bear the grief that would come not knowing about their chocolate-covered walnuts (mmm, walnuts). And to think, we're just starting to realize how Champs Sports can make all our lives better. I don't know about you all, but won't someone for once, think about the corporations. How would they reward their stockholders if not with tickets to see Boise State play Boston College in the snowy winter of Boise, Idaho? Personally, I draw blanks. So next time you're at the bar scheming the perfect playoff system, take a stand and defend the fine executives at Meineke, Capital One, Tostitos, GMAC and Rose.

Somebody Yell Something

According to Maxim, Samuel L. Jackson has filmed 46 films since Pulp Fiction, or one every 90 days.

So here's my own little tribute to Samuel. Here are my favorite movies where he dies:

Four Yells: Goodfellas

Three Yells: Jurassic Park, Jackie Brown

Two Yells: Star Wars III Revenge of the Sith

One Yell: The Long Kiss Goodnight

Best way to kill Samuel: Super-smart sharks from Deep Blue Sea

Almost done

Paper jam: I'll end up getting whipped for this, but the best non-CBS show (the eye is always watching, always) is The Office on some other channel. It's the best take on white-collar life since Too Close for Comfort (OK, I couldn't think of anything). Every office has their version of Dwight. If you watch the show, you know what I mean. If not, just think of that guy.

Some good hockey in Miami: To close, may I bring to your attention that my Miami RedHawks are currently No. 2 in the college hockey polls. In my four plus years in Oxford, I attended dozens of games and even wrote my first ever article for a newspaper on the Miami-Michigan series.

I leave you with some notable RedHawks in the NHL:

Dan Boyle, D Tampa Bay

Randy Robitaille, F Minnesota

Kevyn Adams, F Carolina

Brian Savage, F Philadelphia

As always trying to capture the spirit of the thing ...

My name is Eric Kay and I'm a copyeditor (boggles my mind too) on the newsdesk here at CBS SportsLine in Fort Lauderdale. I had the privilege of moving down here the day before Hurricane Wilma, so no worries, I've been properly initiated (the t-shirt they gave me says so).

The Skinny

Born: Washington, D.C.

Grew up: Bethesda, Maryland

Edumacation: Miami University (the one in Ohio)

Teams: Skins, Nats, Bullets, Caps, RedHawks

Currently residing: Highland Beach, FL

I laughed out loud: The first time Stewie threw a 'sexy party.'

I laughed inside: When I actually cast my presidential vote for Carl Weathers (I know, I know, he just wants to be governor, but you have to think big).

I cried out loud: When I realized there was no chapter index in the Mullholand Drive DVD.

I cried inside: When Troy McClure/greatest SNL cast member died.

Man I most admire: William Zabka for his portrayal of the '80's greatest villains (please challenge me on this one).

Greatest training montage: Rocky IV (I don't want to hit you with Only the Strong right off the bat).

Reason why I got into journalism: Thought April on TMNT was smokin' hot.

Here can be found what I hope to be my weekly rambles and picks. Of course, all odds are calculated with scientific methods that would make John Forbes Nash invite Ed Harris over for dinner:

When Barry met Buddy: It's 453 days and counting that my Nationals still don't have a new stadium in the works. Rule No. 1 about relocating a baseball team. Make sure a local government election is not around the corner. As all the horses jockey for the mayor's seat, name recognition comes easily when you attach yourself to the city's hottest ticket item. Washington, a city with an inferiority complex on par with Fort Worth, St. Paul and Oakland, plays second fiddle to the federal government every day of the year Congress is in session, the president's actually in the White House and the Supreme Court's granting certiorari. So the first opportunity the little-city-that-wants-to-be-a-state has to show the world it's learned a thing or two from the boys and girls on the Hill, it does. Baseball will be in Chocolate City, but if Bud and his cronies thought they'd get a red tape break because of the city's thirst for the sport, boy was he wrong.

This is politics 101 Bud, so don't start uttering the words 'Las Vegas' or 'Portland' any time soon unless the Mirage is ready to convert the Danny Gans theater to a 40,000 seat stadium or you’re ready to chase tofu dogs with shots of wheatgrass when your daughter’s Brewers face the Portland Hempflies. The District, a city that MLB reaped a cool $10 million profit on, is the home of Go-Go music, tap water with Techron, and a cocaine-sniffing mayor turned city council member. Nothing is ever done smoothly or without the proper greasing, Milwaukee on the other hand, as Alice Cooper reminds us, is Algonquin for 'the good land.' Odds council member Marion Barry goes on a 'scouting' trip to Columbia: 2 canisters of 'coffee beans' to 1.

Wilkerson, Texas Ranger: The trade for Alfonso Soriano looks much less attractive now than it did the night it happened. I was ecstatic about the notion of picking up the All-Star second baseman. If nothing more, it was a name to stitch on the back of my still nameless Nats jersey. I figured we gave up relatively little for the 30-30 man. The main piece we gave to the Texas Rangers was fan-favorite Brad Wilkerson.

The hustling outfielder, the first National to hit for the cycle, had a tremendous drop in his power numbers last season. Wilkerson's drop from 32 homers in 2003 to 11 last season may be attributed to playing in a pitcher's park. It may be attributed to batting out of order in a lineup offering little protection. Or, it may be attributed to not living in the land of Molson 4.0, where every prescription drug is readily available at your local bait store. If he bounces back and belts 30 dingers in the friendly confines of Ameriquest Park, he's off the hook -- unless Rafael Palmiero goes back to Arlington. Odds Brad Wilkerson testifies before Congress: 80 subpoenas to 1...

I'd rather have Alfonso Ribeiro: More on the trade. No sports writer is sad to see Terrmel (a typo waiting to happen) Sledge hit the road and some minor-league pitcher is relatively inconsequential. But when your pitching staff consists of a whole three arms, I'd expect GM Jim Bowden to trade our surplus of outfielders for some pitching, not a disgruntled, anti-National League second basemen whose defense is more Roger Dorn than Rogers Hornsby. Odds chicks dig Wilkerson more than Soriano: 3 to 1. Odds Soriano will be dealt at the trade deadline: 2 to 1. Odds Soriano's customized SUV gets broken into while parked in the player's lot of RFK: pick it...

What if Shamgod was one of us: To crack the mystery behind Les Boulez' struggles, look no farther than Michael Ruffin, the team's Peruvian import (check out the comparison between Washington GM Ernie Grunfeld and actor Bruno Kirby). Over the past two seasons, when the gritty power forward plays 20 or more minutes, Les Boulez is 18-12 including 2-0 this season. Still searching for a third option after the departure of Larry Hughes, God Shamgod is available, playing in the basketball-players-for-oil program in Saudi Arabia. Odds the Wizards find God this season: 400 10-day contracts to 1...

Smirnoff on ice: Just when you think the Cold War is over, Russia goes to court in the hopes of retaining the rights to its most valuable export since Nikolai Volkov. Alexander Ovechkin’s former mother-country club, Dynamo, claims they have the rights to the NHL’s leading rookie scorer. His fate rests in the hands of U.S. District Court Judge Emmet G. Sullivan. The last time a Sullivan was involved in a major court case (because this obviously qualifies as that), the term “reckless disregard for the truth,” became a libel defense. I don’t expect anything of that nature to come of this, however, if Ovechkin is pried from the Caps, expect the team’s play on the ice to be a form of reckless disregard for hockey. That was friggin' lame. But the kid does account for nearly 22 percent of Washington’s offense. Odds Ovechkin is back in the USSR come Stanley Cup time: 8 KF7 Soviets to 3...

Do the do: If there is a 'reckless disregard for hairstyle award' in the NBA, the honor goes to Los Angeles Clipper Chris Kaman. The former Central Michigan star's hair gets thinner by the rebound. It's ironic that Clips’ owner Don Sterling is not only a member, but the founder of the Hair Club for Men. Odds Kaman trims the do and gets confused for Hans from The Burbs: 4 hair plugs to 3...

Pass me the pitcher, Ponson: Former Orioles pitcher Sydney Ponson inked a one-year deal with the St. Louis Cardinals. Ponson, infamous for punching an Aruban judge at a beach party, has as many DUI’s to his name as he does winning seasons. So heading to the land of Budweiser probably isn’t the best idea. When asked by the St. Louis media if he still drinks, Ponson allegedly replied, “No. I mean, why? You ugh, buying?” Odds El Syd clocks a Clydesdale : 4 Bud heavies to 1…

Friends of Koren W: A true case for the power of rehab may be made Sunday when kick returner Koren Robinson and the Vikings take on the Bears. When most players are sweating through training camp in August, Robinson spent late summer with the shakes as he sweated out the sauce in rehab. Robinson, leading the NFC with a 26.6 yards per return average, beat out the Skins' own sober wedge-buster Mike Sellers, a former white horse rider, for a special teams spot on the Pro Bowl roster. Odds Robinson breaks a couple big returns to get his kick return average on par with the 28 days he spent in rehab: 80 proof to 40...

Gone with the wind: Reggie Sanders, a man who has played on eight different teams in the last nine seasons, signed a two-year deal with the Royals. Why do I have the feeling that this is the human equivalent to the excommunicated lion wandering off from the pride to die peacefully alone, out of the spotlight? Odds the 38-year-old Sanders survives Kansas City and plays another meaningful game in his career: 4 trading deadlines to 3...

Law and Order, Special Walker Unit: And lastly, I smile at the notion that Chuck Norris has no beef with CBS. According to the Chuck Norris Top 30 facts web page, the man with steel wool for chest hair, is allegedly suing NBC. He claims Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. Odds Norris roundhouse kicks jury member No. 8: 10 DVDs of the director's cut of Sidekicks to 1.

As always trying to capture the spirit of the thing...