Your move, relief pitcher with a hangnail.

Don't bring me your whining about concussions, NFL.

So hockey players fight?

Rulon Gardner fights for his life ... and wins every time.

The world-class wrestler has spent his life redefining toughness. Over the weekend he went down in Lake Powell, Utah, in a private plane, climbed out with two other guys and swam for an hour in 44-degree temperatures. He spent a night in the elements and lived to tell about it.

Again.

Five years ago Gardner lost a toe to frostbite after being stranded during a snowmobile trip. In 2004, he was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle.

I want to meet the guy, but I'm afraid a piano will land on my head.

Rulon Gardner is beyond a national hero. He is an Olympic champion, a world champion. Coming into the 2000 Olympics, Russian wrestler Alexander Karelin hadn't lost in 13 years, hadn't given up a point in six years.

Naturally, Gardner beat him to win the gold.

But how easy was that when the Grim Reaper is coming for you on an annual basis? In a sense, his career has been a waste because it's, well, wrestling. But I've been convinced for a while that amateur wrestlers (not the pro goons) are the toughest mothers on the planet anyway.

I covered the NCAA Wrestling Championships one year at Iowa State. I still have this image of the typical wrestlers' "greeting" burned in my mind:

When one sees another walking down the street, they don't shake hands. They exchange moves and holds in some kind of tribal ritual. The average "How are you doing?" consists of a smashed nose, a ripped shirt and a loose tooth.

Oh, and a smile.

Jenny Craig should phone up the average wrestler for the real secret to losing weight. Before the NCAA stepped in, these guys would make weight by setting up impromptu sweat lodges in arenas complete with steam, blankets, sheets and the odd finger shoved down a throat.

The football freak in me wants to see the 35-year-old Gardner take up football for the first time since high school. I know one thing: He wouldn't wear down. What happened over the weekend kind of redefines a quality swim move anyway.

From now on, whenever I hear of a dislocation, break or tear in another sport, I will yell from the top of this blog: p----!

Figure it out. Five letters. Rhymes with wussy. Questions manhood. We've all heard it. As long as Rulon roams the earth, we all should be called it.

I liked Frank Broyles best as an TV analyst. The Arkansas legend who retired (effective at the end of year) is one of the last of the great dinosaurs to rule the college landscape.

December will mark his 50th year at the university. Like a lot of schools in the South, the entire state owed its identity to one man: Alabama: Bryant; Auburn: Jordan; Texas, Royal; Tennessee, Neyland; Georgia, Dooley; Oklahoma: Switzer and Wilkinson.

Broyles was Arkansas' icon. After staying at Missouri a year in 1957 he went to Arkansas, leading the Hogs to their greatest football glory. As an AD he oversaw incredible facilities growth, the rise of Arkansas basketball and maintenance of Hogs football.

Without Broyles, the state would be famous only for Wal-Mart and Bill Clinton.

That would be sad.

In his career, Broyles had so many legendary coaches on his staff that eventually the Broyles Award was established. It goes each year to the nation's best assistant coach.

But I liked Broyles best as a TV analyst. His thick Southern drawl was charming as he told Keith Jackson each Saturday: "The thing about freshmen, Keith, is that they're so young" or "Keith, where was the safety on that play?"

His modern equivalent is Terry Bowden, who is great, but I think is only on radio these days.

We could do with more Frank Broyleses on TV and less cookie-cutter Brads, Dans and Seans. If Dick Vitale is as organic as we can get, then the world is a sad, sad place.

• Thank you Dennis Erickson, may I have another.

New Idaho coach Robb Akey has a $1 million buyout if he leaves before Jan. 2, 2009. That's approximately four times his annual salary of $240,000, which makes him the highest paid coach in University of Idaho history.

"I always wanted to sign a million-dollar contract," Akey joked. "I guess this would be my opportunity."

Blame Erickson, the ultimate coaching gigolo. Akey is the Vandals' third coach in less than a year. Nick Holt left after two years. That's a lifetime compared to Erickson, who stayed 10 months in his second stint with the Vandals before going to Arizona State. Akey's buyout goes down to $750,000 starting in 2009.

•  Nick Saban isn't exactly making media friends in Alabama, but really, what reason does he have to trust us? After being burned by that Miami Herald reporter who revealed an off-the-record, off-color story, Saban should be as skeptical as ever.

Thing is, Alabamans can't get enough about their Tide. Saban typically makes all his assistant coaches off limits to media, which may have hurt him as he tried to assemble a staff. (Why go there, a young up-and-comer might surmise, if he can't be seen and heard on his way up the ladder?)

Media are hoping to come to some sort of compromise. There is talk that Saban might make his coordinators available.

•  There is a medical analyst on one website lately breaking down Charlie Weis' lawsuit against the doctors who performed that stomach-stapling procedure.

I'll give you the website if you e-mail me. The analysis is both creepy and fascinating. Even more creepy and fascinating now that there has been a mistrial. A juror collapsed on Tuesday. Two of the doctors on trial came rushing to the jurors' aid.

•  If you read the Gary Barnett column, you'll understand there is a connection to Dan Hawkins.

Not only did Hawkins succeed Barnett at Colorado, he endured the same national "celebrity" after a portion of his comments were aired nationally. At a nondescript press conference last week, Hawkins told of a note he received from a parent complaining about players' vacation time.

If you haven't heard Hawkins' rant, you've been in a cave.

"It's Division I football! It's the Big 12! It ain't intramurals," Hawkins yelled. "You got two weeks after finals. You get a week at July 4. You get a week before camp starts. That's a month. That's probably more vacation than you guys [reporters] get. And we're a little bummed out that we don't get three weeks? Go play intramurals, brother. Go play."

Hawkins is actually a real, nice, outgoing guy. He made the comments with a smile on his face, but Barnett knows how tapes can be edited. His out-of-context remarks about former kicker Katie Hnida helped get him suspended in 2004.

"I read (a transcript of) his interview," Barnett said. "If you take that and read it and read the question before and question after, you would have gone, 'OK.' You take it out of context and it's a completely different deal. It's amazing what can happen."

The NASCAR manifesto

I've spent a week on the couch and I'm about ready to explode. You couldn't swing a tire iron without hitting NASCAR.

Did Michael Waltrip cheat? What did he know and when did he know it?

Who cares? Racin' is the only "sport" where there are no athletes. Even John Daly breathes heavy when he lugs his gut around a golf course.

In NASCAR, the cars are the stars. There is something creepy about rooting for quarter panels. Car loyalty was a big deal to me when I was 11, collecting Hot Wheels. Now? It's about as sexy as Bill France.

And don't try to sell me that drivers are athletes. They have real good hand/eye coordination, which means the next generation of drivers is coming from an XBox convention.

As far as I'm concerned, Talladega Nights was a documentary, not a comedy. They are all named Ernie or Ricky or Bobby or Dale. They do snarf down Mountain Dew, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell, usually at the same time. They don't remind anyone of Harvard graduates.

If that's a slice of Americana, I'll stick with the thin crust pepperoni, thank you.

Every time I watch it -- which is only a mistake when the remote jams -- I feel like I need a shower.

It just never did anything for me to watch hot rods make left turns for three hours at a time. Here's a challenge, NASCAR: Mix in a right turn.

•  There was a rumor going around Tuesday that Arkansas' Houston Nutt was about to step down, taking a $7 million buyout. Nothing to it ... yet.

I agree with Clark Judge. The one thing that keeps Pete Carroll at Southern California is total control. He wouldn't have it in San Diego, considering Marty Schottenheimer couldn't even hire his own defensive coordinator.

That being said, Dean Spanos could change his mind, whack A.J. Smith and have Carroll in place by tomorrow. It is known that Carroll is close to the Spanos family.

If that happens, does Steve Sarkisian get elevated immediately? Just asking. Either way, Carroll is assured of being in his element -- on the West Coast with a loaded team. ...

The NCAA told Oklahoma on Monday that it failed to properly monitor the employment of its players relating to last summer's scandal.

Quarterback Rhett Bomar and offensive lineman J.D. Quinn were kicked off the team after the school determined they had been paid for work they didn't do at a Norman, Okla., car dealership.

The NCAA also identified a third player who took money. Turns out it was a walk-on receiver who was dismissed in August. Why didn't Oklahoma identify him like they outed Quinn and Bomar? Possibly because that would show a trend of wrongdoing.

Overall, this is a bit of a relief for OU. The failure to monitor allegation stops short of the dreaded "lack of institutional control" stamp from the NCAA. The school is scheduled to appear before the NCAA infractions committee on April 14. OU AD Joe Castiglione responded Monday by reminding the NCAA that it uncovered the wrongdoing.

With men's basketball already on probation, it will be interesting to see how the NCAA deals with football. OU football should get its penalties six to eight weeks after the infractions committee meeting. ...

Sometimes the game's kings of revenue can't hold it in. Check out this shot across the bow from the Big Ten's Jim Delany on the Big Ten's website.

Tired of the SEC getting all the glory, Delany addressed fans Friday in this point-by-point comparison with the Big Ten. The savvy among you will catch the point of Delany's rant stating that it is " ... premature for us to lower our admission standards ..."

SEC commissioner Mike Slive responded by pointing out that since 1992 his conference has won five national championships in football to two for the Big Ten.

All I can remember is the Ohio State offensive line whiffing all night on Florida's front seven. ...

Leftovers from the football rules committee story. ...

• Two leagues -- the Big East and SEC -- actually averaged more yards this year compared to 2005, despite the new game-shortening rules.

• Oregon led all schools with an average of 82 plays per game in 2005. New Mexico State led in 2006, averaging 77.5. The point is, well, there really isn't one except that Oregon was a fine team in 2005. New Mexico State stunk in '06 but at least it ran a lot of plays and rolled up a lot of yards.

• The average review time (challenge or play review) was 1 minute, 49 seconds in 2006.

• Coaches haven't figured out how to use the challenge yet. They were successful on only 16.2 percent of the challenges last year. A lot of that can be attributed to assistant coaches not having a monitor in their booth. The NFL does have that advantage.

Houston Nutt has melted down on Arkansas radio after a column written by Arkansas Democrat-Gazette columnist Wally Hall.

This is why blogs were created, folks. Some great stuff here. First the column, then a recording of Nutt calling into The Show With No Name on KABZ in Arkansas.

Maybe it's me, but I can't picture Joe Paterno calling in to a radio station to defend his recruiting class.

The rich keep getting bitchier:

The signing day whining that played out at Notre Dame, Illinois and other compass points makes you wonder when the NCAA is going to pass more legislation.

Proposal 2007-34: Shut Up All You Hypocrites!

When did a verbal commitment become a solemn oath before God and man? Notre Dame's Charlie Weis was upset that a couple of recruits changed their minds right before Wednesday's signing day. Then Weis turns around and coaxes an Iowa commit (linebacker Brian Smith) and Louisville commit (kicker Brandon Walker) to break their "promises" and sign with Notre Dame.

You do understand, Chaz, that a commitment means absolutely nothing. You should understand that every player is fair game until the letters of intent are signed.

Well, unless, leave you at the altar, right?

Not sure, but the term "verbal commitment" originally appeared in divorce court. See a pattern?

It's a contrived phrase invented by recruiting analysts who want to check a name off a list. The recruits actually could take control of the process. If enough of them waited and signed what is called a "scholarship agreemen,t" then all this signing day nonsense could be avoided.

A scholarship agreement kicks in after the initial signing period expires (about a month or two after signing day). It is usually used by recruits who are injured or who have academic problems.

A scholarship agreement merely guarantees that if that recruit attends the offering school, he will receive a scholarship. He is not bound to that school until he enrolls.

Great idea, if the top recruits weren't led like lemmings to signing day every year. All it would take is for the top 10 recruits to say, "Nah, we're going to take our time and look around."

You'd better believe schools would hold scholarships open. The players would be controlling the process instead of the coaches and recruitniks.

• Illinois won one Big Ten game last year. It was against Michigan State. Former Michigan State coach John L. Smith was quoted in the New York Times this week disparaging Ron Zook's recruiting tactics.

Zook landed a top 15 class at a program has led to four wins in 23 games in two seasons. That's a bit shady for some.

"Where there's smoke there's fire," Smith is quoted as telling the Times.

Not a very credible source, Smith. He got fired, in part, because he lost to the coach he's ripping.

• It is time to start ripping Bob Stoops? His program is already under NCAA investigation for the Rhett Bomar scandal. On Wednesday, Oklahoma recruit Donald Stephenson signed with Stoops from an Office Depot near his Blue Springs, Mo., home.

Office Depot? There was no interest in holding a press conference at Blue Springs High School because Stephenson has been suspended from the school. He termed it "bad luck" after going to a school dance. The school termed it a 10-day suspension.

Elsewhere in Stephenson's life: According to the Kansas City Star, Stephenson was charged in December with multiple counts of burglary of a motor vehicle, theft and criminal damage.

Among the less expensive items taken from a 10-year-old Saturn was a box of caramel bars.

With rival recruiters bringing up the Bomar thing, has OU become that desperate?

As long it's officially out there now, we can relay the term Nick Saban used in that "off-the-record" discussion with reporters on Jan. 4.

Coonass.

Wikipedia defines it as "an epithet used in reference to a person of Cajun ethnicity."

Note to Nick: Off the record is no excuse. It's 2007. Nothing is off the record. If you don't want it repeated, don't say it. There are security cameras everywhere these days. Assume tape recorders and cameras are always on, even when you go to the bathroom.

Saban's other excuse is that someone else relayed the story to him. Tell it to Joe Biden, Nick.

The audio version of the conversation is all over sports radio and the Internet. But thanks to the Mobile Press-Register the entire conversation has been published.

To reporters on Jan. 4, the day after the Sugar Bowl:

"A guy on the (LSU) board ... you guys won't be able to put this on the thing ... was walking down the street, one of the board of trustees guys like these people around here (at Alabama) sitting up on the stage today, at LSU, is walking down the street yesterday before the Sugar Bowl. He calls me. There's a guy working in the ditch -- one of those coonass guys that talk funny, I can't talk like him, but he can, most people in Louisiana can -- and he says, 'Hey, you see where Coach Saban signed up with Alabama?' And the board of trustees guy says, 'Yeah, I saw that.' And he says, 'That son of a -----.

Minority report

The NCAA can pressure states to change their confederate flags but it can't compel its own schools to even interview minority candidates for openings.

Shameful.

The NCAA is grandstanding out of one side of its mouth. Confederate flags, bad. We agree. But by giving little more than lip service to its schools' hiring practices, it is being hypocritical.

The NCAA hypocritical? No way.

Here's the math: Six minority coaches out of 32 NFL coaches. Seven minority coaches out of 119 I-A football head coaches.

The NFL has the Rooney Rule which requires teams to interview minority candidates. Even if teams don't hire that person, the interview at least gets the minority in the pipeline and gives them interview experience.

Why can't the NCAA adopt its own Rooney Rule? I want to identify the administrators who would vote against such a proposal.

Why can't schools, on their own, adopt their own Rooney Rule?

That's why I keep saying that colleges continue to practice institutional racism.

Nothing to be Da EmBearassed about

The best Super Bowl column of the week (except our guys) goes to Greg Couch of the Chicago Sun-Times.

Couch interviewed Robert Smigel, the talented Saturday Night Live writer who created the old Bill Swerski Superfan sketches. Swerski (Joe Mantenga, and later George Wendt) and friends (including the late Chris Farley) sat around fawning over Mike Ditka while eating polish and ribs.

Couch got Smigel to reveal some lines about Ditka's involvement with Levitra that never made it to air:

Wendt: "All those (commercials) are hilarious. That Levitra commercial, that's priceless. The idea that you would require medication to get ...

Ditka: No, I used the stuff. I really used the stuff.

Wendt: Come on. You are testosterone, coach. Coach Ditka can impregnate a woman just by looking her in the eye. Women have to wear shades in his presence.

Ditka: No, I'm telling you. I suffer from E.D.

Wendt: I thought that stood for Enormous Ditka. If you were to actually take Levitra, we'd have to evacuate half the bar. ...

Leftovers from the Willie Williams story

West L.A. College's Craig Austin coached Willie Williams for four games last season. The former Miami linebacker has transferred to Louisville. Austin is also a senior deputy supervisor in L.A. County.

"I do run a structured disciplined program," Austin said. "If Willie came to play for me, it would mean more coming from a law enforcement officer. ...

"It was very mature of him to be very personable and professional. He could have complained, riding on an elementary school bus to games. The seats had about 18 inches of leg space. He could have complained and went into the tank. ... Willie's father, Leonard Pressley, moved from Miami to Culver City, Calif., to be near his son for the semester. Pressley's occupation is "undercover security."

"You don't know why I'm there," he said.

"(Willie leaving Miami) had nothing to do with playing time. The system wasn't fitting him. He wanted to go to a program that utilized him better. California was a whole, 'nother world. ...

"You see the bad publicity, you sit down and talk to Willie, you say, 'Oh man, I can't believe all the stuff I've been hearing.' This is not him. You meet him, you talk to him, he's very intelligent. ...

"All this stuff he did in Florida (charged with a felony and misdemeanor during a recruiting visit), he wasn't the only one involved. By being the most visible person there, (I have to ask Florida), "Why you didn't send him home then? Why do you wait until national signing day? ...

"He wasn't the only one shooting the fire extinguisher. Why do you have a minor getting drunk at a club? Where are the responsible adults? ...

Cleaning out the Todd Dodge notebook

Leftovers from the North Texas story and former high school coach Todd Dodge:

• For the record, Dodge looks like an older version of Kyle Chandler, the coach on Friday Night Lights.

• Son Riley is a rising senior quarterback at Southlake (Texas) Carroll who is being recruited heavily by BCS conference schools.

• On the team: "We're going to be physical on defense. I haven't talked a whole lot of X's and O's with them. How are we going to treat the lady in the academic center, RAs (resident assistants) in the dorm, how are we going to be perceived in the community? If you can put an exciting brand of football on the field but if you have a team that the fans don't respect, all that falls by the wayside pretty quickly. "

• A few of Dodge's 10 game-day expectations: 1) Never underestimate the power of kindness; 2) Kill the will of your opponent; 3) Success can come through short bursts; 4) Visualize the game before you play it; 5) Show class and poise.

• More on the team: "I would love to see this football program become one that this metroplex wraps itself around. You just do it and let it flow. We have 160,000 alumni right here, 31,000 students. If you had 10,000 students that stayed and went to the game, some of those alumni get fired up about it. It wouldn't take long to get that sucker (stadium) packed."

• In 1992, when Dodge was hired as a then 28-year-old offensive coordinator he was asked to change the offense from an old flexbone option system to a no-huddle with a double slot. Expect more of that, only more sophisticated, at North Texas.

• On a memorable speaking engagement: "You talk about a great day for me. Roger Staubach was the lead speaker at this big deal. I was one of the lead-ins. I'm standing backstage and it's me and Roger Staubach. I'm sitting there chatting with my childhood hero. They've got a ton of these autograph balls he's signing for executives. He and I start playing catch."

• Former Alabama coach Gene Stallings was hired as a consultant at North Texas in 2000. His report concluded that it would be very difficult to win at North Texas. The Mean Green went on to win four consecutive Sun Belt titles under former coach Darrell Dickey.

• Sun Belt teams are known for having to play non-conference "body bag" games to balance the athletic budget. Part of the attraction for Dodge was making the schedule more manageable. That translates to the Mean Green playing "only" at Arkansas and Oklahoma next season. The other non-conference games are against SMU and Western Kentucky.

• On quarterbacks: "I run quarterback camps. I'll talk to seventh- and eighth-grade quarterbacks. ... I bet I could go to any middle school in the middle of footballs season on a Tuesday morning, park my car, stand and just watch the kids as they come to school in the morning I bet I can pick out the starting quarterback. I bet I can pick out whether you won or lost."

• AD Rick Villareal also interviewed former University of San Diego coach Jim Harbaugh and Nebraska offensive coordinator Jay Norvell. Norvell has since taken the same job at UCLA. There was contact with Jimbo Fisher as well. Fisher eventually went to Florida State as O-coordinator.

• Villareal on hiring a high school coach: "Around the rest of the country I'm sure they're going, "They hired a high school coach.' I told my president, 'We're not worried about Pennsylvania or Tacoma, Washington. We're worried about Dallas and the metroplex. What's the reaction going to be in Dallas? What's the reaction going to be in our market? What's the reaction going to be with our fans?"