Hate Mail: Too much of a bad thing is starting to get tiresome
Gregg Doyel reaches into his mailbag for the monthly (sorry, that's all we can stomach) retorts to the worst his many fans have to offer.
Hate Mail is coming at you with less frequency, but not because it's coming at me with less frequency. It's not. Hate Mail is still coming at me depressingly fast. But my responses are coming slower. Maybe you noticed.
Probably not. Sigh. Used to be, Hate Mail was a weekly thing. Then it was bi-weekly. Starting today, this fine little feature is moving to the first Thursday of every month. Why just once a month? Because to do it more often than that might make me homicidal. And I don't want to hurt anyone.
Well, maybe this next guy.
From: Alex Chu
Regarding your appropriate criticism of Rodney Harrison for absurdly asserting that Josh Freeman might be faking a concussion, at least YOU don't have to worry about anyone accusing you of faking a head injury, Gregg. That's because we knew you were brain damaged from day one.
If this were eighth grade, someone would be yelling, "ooooooh!" Because that's a sick burn, Alex. If this were eighth grade.
From: Danny Scott
You are an absolute joke as a writer and everyone in America knows that you are a Florida homer that would do anything to try and help your Gators get back to the top of the SEC. You took shots at my Auburn program when Cam Newton was there and it did no good. Take as many shots at the Bammers as you want, but unfortunately it will do no good either.
You couldn't be more wrong about pretty much every sentence in your email. I mean, every single one of them. It's not easy to be that stupid for that long, but by golly Danny you did it. Go take a break, my man. You must be worn out.
From: John Ndongwe
Looks like Mike Hamilton has discovered there are things more important than a career in sports. Unlike Gregg Doyel, who is continuing in his career in sports, while millions of Africans wallow in poverty and HIV. Which elicits the rhetorical question: Do you feel guilty sitting in front of the TV watching sports, while millions in Africa don't have enough food for dinner? Obviously, your answer is: Ummm, not really.
How is it, John, that you came to know "Mike Hamilton has discovered there are things more important than a career in sports"? I'll tell you how: You know it because I wrote it. Which means I wrote about Africa and the problems there, and spread the message to however many readers clicked on it. It's fine that you're not a deep thinker, John. Really. But maybe you shouldn't go around showing that off.
I had just accepted it and lived with it, but my weight wasn't getting better on its own. Well, it is, but unfortunately, there are far too many salespeople who, for one reason or another, have been trying to sell without having a good grasp of what they selling. I suspect, therefore, that ugg boots australiaion rates maintained the saudi ugg outletion numbers they have been projecting for years.
At first I was heartbroken for you, Spam-Bot, and then I realized you're just a computer program. Or a virus. Whatever the case, stop the emotional roller coaster and let me off.
From: Neave Bozorgi
When a loudmouth redneck such as Gregg Doyel is lecturing Jim Irsay about knowing when to shut up, you know the world is upside down. Next thing you know, Gregg will be asking the Obama administration to fix his computer. Good Allah!
Your name is an anagram for "oozing beaver," when it should be an anagram for "racist pinhead."
From: Doug Macken
Your comments about Dez Bryant are just stupid. Bryant simply hates losing more than he likes winning and Dallas needs more players like him. That's why Dallas is an 8-8 team because they accept losing. If you had ever played sports you would know that.
Dez does refuse to lose. He also refuses to go back on the field for the final play, until Jason Witten yells at him and DeMarcus Ware slaps him gently and tells him to get his ass out there. Not that it matters, but you asked: Many
decades years ago I was all-state in two more sports than you ever were. Now I box for fun. But I'm sure you're right: Boxing isn't nearly as tough as whatever video game you're great at.
What did you do to Thomas Burns?!?! The witty banter between you two in Hate Mail was fun. You know, back when Hate Mail wasn't just filled with whiners and crybabies. Make Hate Mail FUN again, Doyel. After all, aren't you the one who put the F-U in F-U-N?
I love Thomas Burns! He's been writing me silly, witty Hate Mails for a decade, and in that time we've become friends. His daughter is fighting neuroblastoma now, actually, but she's doing great. Just great. And you look beautiful, Julia Burns!!!
From: Chris in Cincy
With your several years history of Hate Mail where you insult and badger readers who express a dissenting point of view, you are the Richie Incognito of sports writers.
You confuse counter-punching -- which is all Hate Mail is -- with bullying. People write me mean stuff, and I write something back. And that's bullying? You poor sweet little simpleton.
From: zara clout
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Thank you, Spam-Bot, I tried to write it with -- oh never mind, you nasty little virus. But good luck with the weight loss. And the Uggs. Give my best to Mr. Clout.
From: Rob C.
Living in the UK, I'm not fully aware of all things in U.S. sports but I always read your articles. One suggestion: Can we have more regular Hate Mail as it's the best!
Thank you Rob! No, I'm doing Hate Mail just once a month now. It's all I can take. Mean people are fine, but it's the constant attack of stupid that brings me down. Look at this next email, and ask yourself: Could you stomach dealing with questions like this more than once a month?
From: Travis Gregg
How is Tiger Woods' response different from a general public that pressured his sponsors to drop him after news of his infidelity broke?
Next time, Travis, ask me how a slice of steak is different from a pet puppy. I won't be able to make sense of that question either, but at least I'll have some hope that you're pulling my leg. On this one, I think you're serious. Which means there's no point in answering your question. The fact that you asked it is problematic enough.
From: Paul Brody
Do you think what Rodney Harrison said was less intelligent than believing athletes don't fake concussions?
See, a slice of steak is edible, and dead. A pet puppy is adorable, and alive.
From: Jason Warner
While I appreciate your definition of cheating, I cannot support your rationale. You did not defend Ohio State for the tattoos and gold pants scandal that kept them from playing Notre Dame last year. If we go back to the archives I bet we can find you condemning the school because you simply don't like Ohio State. Be consistent, be fair, be honest.
The head coach at Ohio State knew about the tattoos. Jim Tressel knew he had ineligible players, and didn't tell anybody. That's why I was so outraged. That story is not this story. Search the archives all you want, but what happened at OSU is not the same as what happened at Miami.
From: David Regan
Mr. Doyel specializes in girlie-man talk ... interpersonal gossip. He's the sort of dude you WOULDN'T want to have a beer with. Where's the nose plug?
I dropped it into your beer. Meathead.
From: Darren Warner
1. What Ohio State did last year has NO bearing on whether they deserve at shot at the national championship. 2. By following your argument, then we should put Fresno State and Northern Illinois in the title game, and leave those pretenders in Alabama out of it!
It's like you didn't read what I wrote. Show me where I wrote that Ohio State deserves a shot at the national championship. Show me where I wrote that what Ohio State did last year has any bearing on this season. Don't show me what you think I wrote, dummy. Show me what I did write.
From: Darren Warner, again
Aren't you the same myopic writer who wrote that Dan Snyder should change the name of the Redskins, and now you're writing that the whole argument is tired and overplayed as is any discussion about changing the Redskins name? Make up your mind.
Now I see the problem, Darren. You don't understand column ideas that are more complicated than "grunt, grunt, him no good." And it's not like I'm writing about the most complicated stuff on earth. It's just sports. May as well be astrophysics to you.
From: Kevin Doherty
Have you seen the NFL films clip with audio of Dez Bryant on the sideline? Are you going to write an apology to Dez after maliciously suggesting he have football taken away from him?
You dummies are multiplying. Why should the audio of Bryant's first sideline rant make me apologize for what he did in the second rant -- the one I wrote about extensively -- when Jason Witten screamed at him to leave the field and DeMarcus Ware literally had to smack his face to get his attention? Maybe I should write more about meteors, or whatever astrophysics is about.
From: Mark Kuca
Thanks for the analysis on the Forbes "most disliked players" list. So few people read the fine print on how surveys were taken. On another note, do I need to leave you nasty comments so you'll write another Hate Mail article? I love reading the Hate Mail submissions.
I bet you love reading the Hate Mail submissions. Me, I enjoy reading the stupid crap written on bathroom walls. Doesn't mean I'd ask you to clean those walls. At least not more than once a month.
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