Up & Down: Exclusively Masters, in both directions

After a week of breathing in the dogwoods, azaleas, magnolias and more pollen than any human has ever ingested in an eight-day period, CBSSports.com senior writer Steve Elling blows out his notepad over the week's events at the season's most-anticipated major championship.

Up

Rail birds and things that never happened
Think what you want about Tiger Woods and the reception he did and didn't receive, but the Masters fans last week behaved themselves with remarkable decorum, considering. One security official assigned to his group from Monday through Sunday said there were no incidents of crass behavior, though nobody really expected any anyway at Augusta, where such behavior would get your badge yanked in perpetuity. There was one funny scene Saturday along the ropes of the new practice area, where a particularly buxom woman watched attentively as Woods and Fred Couples putted nearby. One of the private Securitas guards said to a group of male reporters, "I bet you guys are waiting for a wardrobe malfunction." It was noted in response that he was doubtlessly watching her for entirely different reasons -- so she didn't make a scene. "Yeah, and I'm not the only one [watching]," he said. Maybe they should scan the fans for silicon next year.

Spare the rod, spoil the child
It was a risky venture to be sure. Anytime a place with the often-regrettable history of Augusta National makes a controversial stand on a hot-button cultural issue, the bullets are going to fly, which is what predictably took place when club chairman Billy Payne gave Woods a very public paddling for failing to live up to expectations as a role model. One New York writer said Payne was a hypocrite, but he missed the bigger point. Unlike PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem, who has said nary a word condemning the destructive actions of his top breadwinner, Payne felt strongly enough about Woods' tabloid-filling actions to make a strong stand, knowing full well that ANGC's policies and history would again be called into question. For that, I give the club even more credit. "Certainly his future will never again be measured only by his performance against par, but measured by the sincerity of his efforts to change," Payne said. "I hope he now realizes that every kid he passes on the course wants his swing, but would settle for his smile." Jack Nicklaus (six Masters wins) and Arnold Palmer (four) are Augusta members. It's going to take a career-and-character overhaul before Woods (four) is ever invited to join.

Gulp, swallow hard, clear throat, wipe eyes
Even though everybody on the ANGC property knew that Amy Mickelson would find a way to make an appearance if her husband won Sunday, the scene behind the 18th green was nonetheless one of the most compelling witnessed at a sports event in decades. Surrounded by their extended family, husband and wife embraced warmly to the delight of millions watching on TV. Grumpy old men in the gallery wiped away tears. A friend of mine whose wife recently had a baby said he hoped Tiger was watching, because if he was, he learned from the Mickelsons' year-long cancer saga that there are far more fulfilling things in life than winning golf tournaments. Maybe someday, Woods will get the message.

The memorable charge of K.J. Choi
Most people haven't fully realized what almost happened Sunday at Augusta. Not only did K.J. Choi lead the Masters well into the back nine, he almost became the second consecutive South Korean to win a major. Cracked one Aussie scribe when Choi surged into the lead: "Want to win a major? Be a South Korean and play with Tiger Woods." That's obviously a reference to Y.E. Yang's win alongside Woods at the PGA Championship last fall. Choi barely scraped into the Masters, having clung to a precarious spot at No. 47 in the world rankings through the week of the Arnold Palmer Invitational (the top 50 got Masters invitations). Choi, 39, has no major club endorsement deal and plays with a hodge-podge set, and hadn't won in the States since January 2008. Choi, nicknamed the Tank because he's build like a Sherman, is a terrific guy who abhors the use of profanity, yet he somehow survived playing four days with the supposedly reformed F-bomb dropper, Woods. Players with Korean heritage claimed three spots in the top eight, in fact.

The difference between Phil and Tiger
In case you missed it, there was a telling incident -- actually, two of them -- on the same hole during the crucial moments of the final round that underscored all anybody needs to know about the mental wiring of the game's two greatest active players. Standing on the right side the 11th hole, a fan was hit hard in the left shoulder by Woods' sliced tee shot, leaving a large red mark. Woods wandered into the trees, never asked what had happened, and scraped out a par. Not 10 minutes later, Mickelson's tee shot hit a fan standing right next to the man Woods had plunked. Mickelson asked if anybody was hurt, and when he found the fan he had nicked, signed a golf glove and gave it to his unwitting victim. When asked if the fan said anything, Mickelson cracked, "Ouch?" Small wonder that the majority of the populace seemed to be rooting harder for Lefty on Sunday.

Down

It could have been worse? How?
I am not going to mention where I heard it, except to explain that it came from an unimpeachable, reliable source. If you hated Woods' new commercial for Nike last week, know this: Nike founder Phil Knight told associates that the unpopular spot was watered down at his behest before it aired. Let's see ... Tiger used the edited and disembodied voice of his late father to indirectly address a scandal that he has refused to discuss in any detail, all as a means of fixing his bent-out-of-shape brand and to move Nike product. So it's hard to imagine how the commercial could be much worse. By the way, Tiger's mom and Knight walked arm in arm for much of the final round Sunday, surrounded by a phalanx of swoosh-covered acolytes. Heartwarming like Phil and Amy, it wasn't.

Your tax dollars at work
Gee, it sure was curious timing that the Federal Aviation Administration picked last week to do a spot inspection of the airplane that towed two controversial banners regarding the Woods scandal over the perimeter of Augusta National. According to reports, the plane was grounded because of a seat-belt safety issue. Hilariously, as the "Bootyism" plane circled overhead, two foreign scribes had to ask an Augusta Chronicle writer what "booty" meant. I'm guessing that from here on out, in the dictionary of American slang, that word comes with an accompanying mug shot of Woods.

What would you have wagered ...
If somebody told you on Friday that Woods would have two eagles and 11 birdies over the final two rounds of a major championship, after entering the weekend two shots off the lead, it's a safe bet you would have had the guy's name all but engraved on the championship trophy. But the world No. 1 had 10 bogeys on the weekend, too, which is exactly what was expected in the minds of many. Woods wasn't injured and presumably was more clearheaded than he had been in months, but he had gone 144 days without facing live fire. At some point, rust and mounting frustration from an inability to execute basic shots were going to become issues. His shocking three-putt from 12 feet on the 14th on Sunday, when he foolishly rushed a two-footer for par and missed, might be the shot sequence that people remember most from his week -- his Masters-record four eagles included. Woods didn't indicate when he will play next, but showing up at the Quail Hollow Championship or the Players Championship not only seems prudent, but advisable.

Why betting on golf is ridiculous, part II
It's hard to believe, but there's actually some thought put into the weekly golf picks made at CBSSports.com, although after last week, a blind monkey throwing darts in a dark room could have performed better. Who would have seriously picked Lee Westwood, who had more rounds in the 60s last week than he had managed in his 10 previous years at Augusta combined? Even Phil Mickelson's agent admitted after the win that he was surprised, because Lefty had shown no indications that he was rounding into form. Top-touted picks Padraig Harrington and Jim Furyk both missed the cut. Past success and current form mean plenty as far as handicapping, but as Mickelson proved, sometimes it all comes together at the right time for mysterious reasons relating more to good vibes and positive mojo.

Amen cornered
Less than a month removed from an embarrassing tirade against a reporter on the University of Florida practice field, Gators football coach Urban Meyer turned up at the Masters and had the audacity to take two guests into the viewing grandstand reserved for media and Augusta members Sunday. He wasn't properly credentialed to be there, the grandstands were full and writers had no other way to view the action on the 11th, 12th and 13th holes. Nice double standard, coach -- publicly berate the media for correctly quoting a player, then steal seats from working stiffs trying to do their jobs. In other football news relating to people with actual redeeming qualities, former Pittsburgh Steelers receiver Lynn Swann is now an Augusta member.