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New World Order: Running down best quotes from Sawgrass

by | CBSSports.com Senior Writer

We're sometimes a little rusted around the intake valve at New World Order headquarters, but eventually, a few original thoughts push through the pipeline.

For instance, as the Players Championship unfolded, it fast became clear that as far as humor and color were concerned, what was happening on the course was nothing compared to what was taking place at the microphone stand behind the 18th green.

'The ball doesn't know what I've got on my face,' Lucas Glover says about his bearded look. (Getty Images)  
'The ball doesn't know what I've got on my face,' Lucas Glover says about his bearded look. (Getty Images)  
In case you hadn't noticed, golfers aren't exactly famous for being glib, entertaining and colorful. Unless you consider vanilla as your fave flavor.

Player after player belted out one-liners like it was amateur night at the Improv. On the TV side, the analysis wasn't exactly banalysis, either. Even the hacks in the press center had a good week at the witticism buffet.

The quips and rips, jibes and jabs began piling up so fast, they essentially got lost in the play-by-play of the day. So a thought began to congeal -- each week, New World Order busts out a listing of people, places or things related to the world of golf.

So, in a manner of speaking about their manner of speaking, why not let the words speak for themselves? Let that sentence soak in for a moment.

They said it, maybe you read it. But there's no way all of last week's funny fare could possibly have been ingested, because there was too darned much of it, even if you were there.

At TPC Sawgrass, it's imperative to keep the ball between the lines. So maybe that's why some crossed the line after the rounds were complete, or came darned close.

These are the best Tweets, tweaks and piques of the week that was -- and we'll let you handle the ranking in terms of favorites, because it's far too close to call.

  "I have been swinging the club like an idiot." Sawgrass 54-hole leader Graeme McDowell, shortly before he blew his lead by shooting 79 in the final round

  "I'm a professional athlete. Just kidding, America." Paul Goydos, when asked by NBC if fatigue set in on a busy Sunday

  "Johnny Miller is only giving me grief because he would have 4-putted the 17th green after a casual jog." Ian Poulter, after the NBC analyst questioned why Poulter so hurriedly played the 17th hole in order to beat the Saturday suspension of play at sundown

  "He's in another category of woolly mammoth." Hunter Mahan on his scraggly beard, compared to that of Lucas Glover

  "The players playing today, you're playing for three times as much money as you would have if we'd still be under the umbrella of the PGA." Bob Goalby at the World Golf Hall of Fame induction, on the fateful split of the PGA Tour from its original parent organization, the PGA of America

  "The ball doesn't know what I've got on my face." Lucas Glover, on the aforementioned beard

  "Today, Glover said to me, 'the golf ball doesn't know ugly.' I'm not sure who he was talking about, probably me." World No. 9 Paul Casey, who played alongside Glover and eventually missed the cut

  "Tiger's Achilles' heel is now his Achilles' heel. It used to be waitresses." Golfweek columnist Jeff Rude

  "It's a gentleman's game." Mark Wilson, who added a shot to his score after believing he might have double-hit a chip shot, resulting in him ultimately missing the cut by a stroke

  "That's a tough one to figure, really where he's at. He could have taken four or five Advil or something, sort of use no legs, and gut it out." NBC analyst Johnny Miller, questioning the withdrawal of Tiger Woods after nine holes

  "I let go of the driver and said, 'Oh, crap ... what did I do?' It just bounced and flipped and went in. It was like slow motion. Luckily, a nice guy volunteered." Michael Bradley, after dropping his driver into snake and gator-infested lake, only to have it retrieved by a man in the gallery

  "So it's all nonsense as far as I'm concerned, and I don't want to talk about it anymore." A terse PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem, on Golf Channel allegations that Woods played last week because he was pressured by the tour to compete before he was physically ready

  "Most frustrating year ever." Former world No. 3 Geoff Ogilvy, who missed a title defense and a month of play with a hand injury in January, after withdrawing last week with a nagging shoulder issue

  "It's probably about the same as your heart rate in the Ryder Cup." Poulter after running from the 17th tee to the green, then to the 18th tee, in order to beat the suspension of play for darkness on Saturday night

  "When I design golf courses, I try not to screw the player like that." Phil Mickelson on Pete Dye's design of the 13th hole at Sawgrass, where Lefty's ball rolled off the green and into a water hazard

  "Wetter than most ... wetter than most." Golf Channel's Jason Sobel, after Tiger Woods hit two balls in the water on the fourth hole in the first round and made a triple bogey

  "Nobody gives him that credit. He still is a good iron player. It’s just that other things aren’t working out quite as well.” Johnny Miller before the first round, when Woods ultimately had one of the most putrid nine-hole stretches of iron play of his career

  "It's really sad to see what's going on with Tiger Woods on the range. This phenomenal athlete is now, in a sense, kind of an old man out there, going through moves like a 15-handicapper, moves that don’t come naturally." Golf Channel analyst Brandel Chamblee, watching Woods on the pratice tee

  "It's not that often he goes to the hip." Mark O'Meara on the upbeat mood of Woods before the tournament, when Woods picked up their meal tab

  "I don't think it does." Phil Mickelson on how the absence of top-10 players Lee Westwood and Rory McIlroy impacted the tournament

  "The camp says I'm okay, but I haven't talked to the boss yet." Bubba Watson on speaking to Tiger Woods' handlers, but not the player himself, after offering the earlier opinion that Woods is too wrapped up in swing changes

  "He has the right to his own opinion, but you probably shouldn't make comments about a guy who has won 69 more times than you and you are virtually the same age." Swing coach Sean Foley to an Irish radio station, firing back about Watson's remarks about Woods being too fixated on his swing changes with Foley

  "Sometimes it's very difficult to read him, and I know him fairly well. I asked him the other day, 'How's the leg,' and he says, 'It's fine.' I don't know if it's fine or if he's just telling me it's fine and it's really not that fine." Mark O'Meara, Woods' former mentor and one of his oldest friends, on how the former world No. 1 doesn’t always tell the whole truth to him, either

  "Tiger Goes Limp." New York Post headline after Woods withdrew with a bad leg


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