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Extra! Extra! Jokes! We've got jokes!

Posted on: May 22, 2009 5:30 pm
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you
were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.  When we lost the house, you
stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my
side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the f**k away from me!"

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Category: General
Tags: Bad luck, Dying Husband
 
Comments

Since: Sep 8, 2012
Posted on: September 18, 2012 5:53 am
 

Extra! Extra! Jokes! We've got jokes!


During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the toilet?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go piss, bitch."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the lav. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word lav at the dinner table
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"....
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."....
  

Since: Jan 9, 2007
Posted on: August 16, 2012 2:41 pm
 

Extra! Extra! Jokes! We've got jokes!

Too funny, Sidd

Since: Jan 27, 2009
Posted on: August 16, 2012 11:24 am
 

Joke--Male Sensitivity Test

OFFICAL MALE SENSITIVITY TEST


1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

     A. Lovemaking.
     B. Screwing.
     C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.


2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

     A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
     B. Your blood-test results.
     C. Five tequila slammers.


3. You time your orgasm so that:

     A. Your partner climaxes first.
     B. You both climax simultaneously.
     C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.


4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

     A. Healthy, creative love-play.
     B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
     C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.


5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
  
     A. The best part of the experience.
     B. The second best part of the experience.
     C. $100 extra.


6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

      A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
      B. Not a problem. She can join your gym.
      C. A conservative estimate.


7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

     A. A myth.
     B. An oxymoron.
     C. A moron.


8. Foreplay is to sex as:

     A. An appetizer is to entree.
     B. Primer is to paint.
     C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.


9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

     A. "I hope we can still be friends."
     B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
     C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."


10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

     A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
     B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
     C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


Evaluating Results:

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.  You're a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN"

Since: Jan 27, 2009
Posted on: August 7, 2012 4:36 pm
 

Joke--Mice Invade Three Churches

Mice took occupancy in three churches in a town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined the animals were predestined to be there. After all, who were they, mere humans, to interfere with God’s will?. Soon, the mice multiplied and took over the church.

The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the mice and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the mice were back.

Only the third church succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the mice and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Since: Jan 9, 2007
Posted on: August 1, 2012 3:11 pm
 

Extra! Extra! Jokes! We've got jokes!

Too funny, Sidd.  Thanks for posting again.  You'd been quiet for a while.  Like to share these around work.

Since: Jan 27, 2009
Posted on: July 27, 2012 4:08 pm
 

Joke - Two men at a bar (Hey, it could happen)

A guy walks up to a man who is sitting at the bar.  They begin to talk. The first guy was quite boisterous (he had been at the bar for quite some time), but the conversation was friendly.  They even buy a round for each other. After awhile, however, it starts to get a little heated.  Finally, the boisterous guy screams at the other, “I slept with your mother!!!”  The bar gets dead quiet as everyone turns to see what the other guy will do. Amazingly, he just sort of smiles and shakes his head.

This infuriates the first guy.  He yells, "Did you hear what I said you stupid twit? Let me repeat. I. PHUCKED. YOUR. MUH-THER!!!” 

The other man continues to shake his head, but finally says, “Go home, Dad. You’re drunk.” 

Since: Jan 27, 2009
Posted on: July 24, 2012 6:19 pm
 

Joke - Wife and husband go to doctor's office

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.  After completing his examination, the doctor had a very serious look on his face.  He took the wife aside and said, "I'm afraid your husband has a very rare condition.  It can be treated; however, you must do the following or I'm afraid he will succumb to the disease."

1.  Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2.  At lunch, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a relaxed frame of mind before he goes back to work.

3.  Prepare an especially nice meal for dinner, and don't require him to do anything strenuous or stressful.

4.  You need to have sex with him at least four times a week.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

The wife replied, "He said you're going to die."
valencourt
Since: Dec 29, 2008
Posted on: July 20, 2012 3:58 pm
This comment has been removed.

Post Deleted by Administrator

Since: Jan 27, 2009
Posted on: July 20, 2012 3:56 pm
 

Joke - Polish guy goes to the DMV

A recent immigrant from Poland went to the DMV to apply for his driver's license.  Before he went for the driving test, he had to take the eyesight test. The DMV employee manning the machine asked the Polish guy to read the third line from the top, which contained the following letters:

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

The DMV employee asked, "Can you read that line, sir?"

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "Heck, I know the guy."

Since: Jan 27, 2009
Posted on: May 23, 2012 2:25 pm
 

Joke - The Hungry Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate $30 of food, not to mention the cue ball off my pool table!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bas-tard. I'll pay for everything."  The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink. The monkey jumps down and starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his a$$, pulls it out and then eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
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