BDK

Sup Ricks,

If you or anyone you know has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), you know that things can get better and worse.  It's an amazing ride that I have been on for over 10 years, since I was diagnosed when I was 14 years old.  What sucks about OCD is trying to find the right medication.  I have been through all of them; i.e. Luvox, Zoloft, Anafranil, Risperdal, etc.  There is really no answer.  My mom has always told me that I should work out more and that that would release seratonin in my brain, naturally.  Essentially, that is all OCD really is; a lack of seratonin.  Seratonin basically gives you logic.  That is why peope don't understand what happens in someone's brain when they have an OCD thought.  All logic is thrown out of the window and your brain in basically split into 2.  The way I look at is that I have 2 voices in my head, my logical voice and my OCD voice.  When my seratonin level's are low, my OCD voice is like a 10 and my logical voice is like a 1.  There is no fight there at all.  I will just immediately go check a worry.  But when they volumes are more even, I can reason with myself.  Last night, I had a very bad worry when I was driving home from seeing a flick.  I had anxiety for over an hour while driving back to my house.  I kept thinking, "I need to go back and check."  So I eventually made a decision to go back.  On my way back, I started to reason with myself.  My logical brain started to speak a little louder than my OCD brain.  I eventually worked through it and just went home instead of driving all the way back to Arlington. 

Sometimes with OCD, people go into a relapse stage where all of the worries come together.  It really sucks!  I feel like I have been in a relapse stage for a while now.  I am able to get through my daily life but sometimes my worries just get the best of me and I will spend a couple of hours worrying about things.  I just need to fight through all that crap because I am going to wind up giving myself a heart attack.  To give you an example, I literally checked worries for almost 3 hours last night.  It is just such a waste of time.  But here's how I equate it.  If I don't go back and check the first worry I have, I will have a good night.  If I start checking the first worry, then it turns into a domino effect.  If I can train myself not to check the first worry, I can get through the night.  I want nothing more than to get home from work/movie and just relax, instead of having to worry.  

I see my dr. on Wednesday.  We went driving last Wednesday.  He made me take right turns on red and cross multiple lanes of traffic.  Those 2 things are really scary to me when I drive.  But I did them with him.  I think we are going driving this week as well so I will have update for you there. 

-BDK