Ryan’s REDneck Raiders Open New Facility
Ryan’s REDneck Raiders are all settled in out on the high plains. Ryan didn’t decide to make the move to beautiful Lubbock, Texas until August so when he arrived he needed new digs fast. After setting up shop at the prestigious Lubbock Ghetto Tower his next order of business was to find a new home field for the REDneck Raiders. “I was hoping to ink a deal with Jones Stadium but we weren’t on the same page moneywise” Ryan said last week. “I really wanted a nice facility that the fans would be proud of but on my budget that was a tall order. Since we’re expecting huge crowds we needed a place with lots of parking and we were able to work out a deal for the fans to park at Jones Stadium but we’ll be playing the games across the street in the parking lot of the Stadium Motel. It’s convenient, it’s cheap and they have cable.” Fan reaction was mixed but after an initial Huh? Most REDneck fans were just happy that their team was back in the big leagues. We talked to Wilber Jed Wanabe outside his RV before kickoff. “It ain’t all that bad. There’s a gas station next door where you can pick up a six pack and I can’t wait to whoop it up when the REDnecks take the field.” That was typical of the attitude of the fans at the game and when the REDnecks hit the field the gassed up fans had the joint jumping. It went downhill from there, Beer bottles started raining down on the field and Frank Katasse’s Smashing Lions, who were in town to face the REDnecks, had to duck for cover. Ryan went to the press box to make an announcement that anyone throwing anything onto the field would be ejected but realized that the PA system wasn’t installed. By this time the scene on the field looked more like the Redneck Bar scene in “The Blues Brothers” than a fantasy football game. Ryan knew he had to do something so he ran out on the field waving his arms for the fans to quiet down. This got things back under control and, after a short delay while the parking lot was cleared of broken glass, the game was able to get underway. Frank realized that he needed to make a big move early or the crowd could get out of hand again so he came up with the Seven Studs Strategy. He sent seven players out in the early game hoping to grab the lead and keep the crowd out of the game. That didn’t work out. With the rowdy REDneck crowd still making lots of noise Detroit quarterback Mathew Stafford threw three picks in the first half but ended up leading the Lions with 15 for the day. Indianapolis wide out Reggie Wayne chipped in 14 but the rest of the Lion’s studs bombed out. Meanwhile, the REDnecks were making hay while sun shined. New Orleans tight end Jimmy Graham used the crowd’s energy to haul in an early TD on his way to 15 points but it was the REDneck’s rookie quarterback, Washington’s Robert Griffin III, that had Wilber Jed and the rest of the good ‘ol boys whooping it up. RG III threw two first half TDs ending up with 29 points on the board for the day and the REDnecks rope in the Lions 108 – 68.
Pugs Nip Dads Mike Stout’s Whose Yo Daddy was at Glacier Gardens to open the season against Stay Katasse’s Pugs. Both teams were anxious to get going and put points on the board Wednesday night. The Dads sent out Dallas running back DeMarco Murray who tallied 14 and the Pugs played New York Giant quarterback Eli Manning and Dallas wide out Dez Bryant who combined for 23 to give the Pugs the lead. The Dads would strike back in the early game led by 18 from Chicago receiver Brandon Marshall and take the lead but the Pugs would take it back in the late game led by 12 points from the Seattle Defense. The game was decided on Monday Night. The Pugs came in with a 4 point lead and Oakland wide out Darrius Heyward-Bey on the field. The Dads countered with San Diego receiver Robert Meachem. Mike was dancing in the isles after Meachem’s 46 yard catch in the first half that cut the lead to two but that was as close as the Dads got as Meachem was shut out in the second half and the Pugs nip the Dads 85 – 81.
Bulls Ride Bus Mike Roubadeaux’s Ken Kesey’s Bus rolled into Amon G. Carter Stadium to face David Stout’s CowTown Bulls this week. The Bulls took the early lead with 29 points from Dallas quarterback Tony Romo on Wednesday night. With the momentum on his side David decided to go for the throat in the early game and sent out seven players. With the home crowd howling the New England defense posted 21 and Houston wide out Andre Johnson added 18 building a big lead. The Bus got 20 from Philadelphia quarterback Michael Vick despite 4 interceptions and 21 from New England running back Stevan Ridley but it wouldn’t be enough as the Bulls ride the Bus 121 – 95.
Gypsies Dance by NOBODY Robin Stout’s Gypsies were at historic Franklin Field in Fort Worth this week to tangle with Sam Stout’s NOBODY. Robin had been a bit worried about the Gypsies playing in their first ever game but got the League to schedule a game against a bunch of nobodies to open the season. “Expansion teams always have a tough time their first year and I wanted to get off to a good start. I’ve found the commissioner to be very cooperative after a couple of martinis and a little candlelight” Robin told the press. The Gypsies grabbed the lead on Wednesday night with 15 from New York Giant running back Ahmad Bradshaw. NOBODY showed up with seven players in the early game and got big numbers from New England quarterback Tom Brady with 21, New Orleans receiver Lance Moore with 18 and the Chicago defense with 17. The Gypsies held off the charge with 23 from Chicago quarterback Jay Cutler and Atlanta wide out Julio Jones who both posted 23 and the Gypsies dance by NOBODY 128 – 98.
Hellions Handle Panthers Richard Cooper’s Hollar Hellions were on the tarmac at DFW to face Bill Cooper’s Fort Worth Panthers in the annual Cooper Bowl. This was the first time the League had scheduled the bout for the big bowl as the season opener and Panther fans responded with a standing room only crowd. The big crowd went bonkers when Bill paraded the Copper Cooper Bowl at midfield before kickoff but that just fueled the flames that had been smoldering since the Panthers blasted the Hellions 132 – 72 in Hollar Stadium last year. Richard was looking for revenge but it was the Panthers that got on the board first with six points from the Giant’s defense on Wednesday night. That wouldn’t be the end of it though. This would turn into a tense back and forth battle with multiple lead changes on Sunday. The Panthers were led by 28 from New Orleans quarterback Drew Brees but the Hellions countered with 27 from Green Bay quarterback Aaron Rodgers and 23 from buffalo running back CJ Spiller. The Hellions would pull away in the late game behind 17 from San Francisco running back Fran Gore and the Richard will be taking the Cooper Bowl back to the Hollar as the Hellions handle the Panthers 111 – 85.
Gangstas Gash Lumberjacks Angelo Katasse and Got Gangsta Wit It made the long trip to the Tomato Bowl to open the season against Steve Bruner’s East Texas Okie Lumberjacks. Steve had hired a fleet of school buses and promoted them as the Lumberjack Express bussing in fans from as far away as Pixley. It was a huge success and the Tomato Bowl was filled to the brim with rabid Lumberjack fans. That didn’t faze Angelo. He played Dallas wide out Miles Austin on Wednesday night and Austin responded with a highlight reel, 34 yard TD catch and ended the night with 13 points to give the Gangstas the lead and quiet the big Tomato Bowl crowd. The Gangstas opened up a big lead in the early game with 19 from the Philadelphia defense, 16 from Houston quarterback Matt Schaub and 15 from Philadelphia wide out Jeremy Maclin. The Lumberjacks started to rally in the late game and made it close with 20 from Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger in the Sunday Night game but there’s no joy in Pixley as the Gangsta’s gash the Lumberjacks 100 – 77.
Goons Dump Drunks Alan Stout’s Goon Squad opened their defense of the League title at the Union Gospel Mission against Bunky Stout’s Drunks. It was hot in Fort Worth so Bunky came up with the idea to give away Drunks Logo Sunbrellas to the first 10,000 drunks through the turnstiles. Ticket sales shot up and the line was around the block hours before the gates opened but there was a small issue. Bunky ordered the giveaways over the internet and, while he got a great deal, he didn’t realize that the Sunbrellas he ordered would turn out to be tiny drink umbrellas. When they opened the boxes and the crowd saw what they were getting it got ugly. It looked like Bunky was on the ropes but the crowd calmed down when he told them that their ticket stub would be good for a free drink at Houston’s Restaurant. “I had to do some fast talking with the Houston’s manager and I’ll be washing dishes for the next month to pay for all the drinks but I still got my teeth.” Bunky said as the fans filed in. With all the pre game excitement Bunky wasn’t focused on football and the drunks came out flat. They got nice games from the Houston Defense with 20 and Washington receiver Pierre Garcon with 17 but not much else. Alan saw that the Drunks weren’t ready to play and the Goons came out blasting on both barrels. They got a monster, 38 point game from Atlanta quarterback Matt Ryan, 19 from the New York Jet D and 18 from Chicago running back Matt Forte. Denver wide out Demaryius Thomas added 17 in the late game and the Goons dump the Drunks 133 – 96.
Woulda Shoulda Coulda Award – Mike Stout’s Whose Yo Daddy went down to the Pugs this week after starting the Buffalo defense in favor of the Cowboys. Buffalo was horrid giving up 42 points and posting -2 for the day while the Doomsday D had three sacks and a fumble on their way to 12 points. If the Dads had the Dallas D in the starting lineup they woulda, shoulda, coulda been 93 – 85 winners.
Good luck to all next week!