Blog Entry

NBA New Year's Resolutions

Posted on: January 1, 2012 6:10 pm
Edited on: January 1, 2012 7:58 pm

By Matt Moore

Each year on New Year's Day thousands of people resolve to do things that are important to them in the coming four seasons. Go to the gym. Be nicer to people. Diet. Learn a language. Usually they wind up at the end of the year with a handful of phrases and a round mound in the mid-section. But the sentiment is nice and self-improvement is always good. With that, here are your NBA New Year's resolutions. 

Atlanta Hawks: Keep living in denial that they gave Joe Johnson all that money and are within two years of a rebuilding project.

Boston Celtics: Make a bucket list. You know, a list of things to do before their knees die.

Charlotte Bobcats: Quit audibly scoffing when your owner who shoved a new CBA down your throat shows up in his latest sports car/helicopter/space ship.

Chicago Bulls: Enjoy the little things in life, that fade away far too quickly. Like Carlos Boozer's performance in the regular season.

Cleveland Cavaliers: It's 2012. Time to take down the LeBron James dartboard, guys.

Dallas Mavericks: Dream big. That being such a problem for Mark Cuban. Also, remove those locker room nameplates of "Dwight Howard" and "Deron Williams" from the locker room before someone files a tampering charge.

Denver Nuggets: Ask LeBron James for some advice on how to close a game. You have to start small.

Detroit Pistons: Build a brain time machine to swap Joe Dumars' mind with the one from 2003.

Golden State Warriors: Four words. Hand down, man down.

Houston Rockets. Live with no regrets. That means no regrets about near-trades for Spanish All-Star power forwards that are blocked by the league.

Indiana Pacers: Make sure Danny Granger doesn't injure himself in that Bat Cave.

Los Angeles Clippers: Change name to "Adequate Defense Township."

Los Angeles Lakers: Forget 2011 ever happened. Ever.

Memphis Grizzlies: No team fights on airplanes in 2012! It's a catchy slogan! Catch it!

Miami Heat: Give away more puppies. People have to love them if they give away enough puppies.

Milwaukee Bucks. Build some houses for the homeless. They should have enough bricks lying around.

Minnesota Timberwolves: Help Ricky Rubio through the difficult time in every young man's life called puberty.

New Jersey Nets: Move to Brooklyn with more success than they've had building a basketball team. So don't have the truck fall into the river.

New Orleans Hornets: Learn from their mistakes with Chris Paul. Wait, they didn't do anything wrong with Chris Paul. Never mind.

New York Knicks: Put the little round object in the net thing.

Oklahoma City Thunder: Take off. The freaking. Backpacks.

Orlando Magic: Learn to let go. You know. In general. Not talking about anything in particular. *Cough* Dwight* cough.

Philadelphia 76ers: The Sixers' resolution is the same every year. Trade Andre Iguodala for a real star to move forward with. It's their "go to the gym more this year."

Phoenix Suns: Put Steve Nash's needs before their own. And ours.

Portland Trail Blazers: Run carefully? Whatever avoids a serious knee injury.

Sacramento Kings: Uh... survive?

San Antonio Spurs: Get back to their real identities. With defense, efficiency and strong inside play, they can compete for a title again.

Toronto Raptors: Head coach Dwane Casey has introduced them to defense and rebounding to a degree. Next step: winning!

Utah Jazz: Find another Hall of Fame coach who will lead their team to the playoffs year after year with more consistency than any coach in league history and fits perfectly with the city's ethical standards. Should be a snap.

Washington Wizards: Change the team name. Can't hurt, right?
Category: NBA
Tags: Matt Moore

Since: Aug 16, 2009
Posted on: January 1, 2012 11:29 pm

NBA New Year's Resolutions

The "LeGone James Dart Board" will NEVER come down... it is staying up there right next to the "Carlos Boozer Dart Board".  I wonder if anyone realizes that LeGone could probably have had his championship and he probably would have stayed in Cleveland if Boozer hadn't screwed teh Cavaliers...

Since: Feb 28, 2008
Posted on: January 1, 2012 10:26 pm

NBA New Year's Resolutions

Let's see: Bullets didn't work. Wizards hasn't worked. Maybe some alliteration. Washington Wieners? Nah. Washington Wombats? Not a cute enough animal for marketing purposes. Washington Wallabies? Too Australian.

Actually, it's nothing to do with the name. They need players. Maybe cloning Wes Unseld, Elvin Hayes and Bobby Dandridge and cranking up the disco music might make it feel like 1978 again. 

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