Every season, every month, every week, there are several outcomes and achievements that, frankly, nobody operating within reason would ever predict. Who could have predicted Nebraska would beat Florida for the 1995 title by 38 points, or that Boise State would pull off three late trick plays to knock off Oklahoma in the 2007 Fiesta Bowl, or that South Carolina would fail to score a point in the second half against Kentucky a week after knocking off the Tide? Nobody... until now. We're going to try capture that lightning in a bottle by making similarly absurd predictions every week. Are they at all likely to come true? No. Do we even believe the words we're writing? No. But if we make even one correct call on these, we will never stop gloating. Ever.
Jordan Jefferson's utter distaste for the Auburn Tigers is fully revealed with a historic performance on Saturday. Last season, Jefferson entered the contest with the Tigers having thrown interceptions in three out of the last four games. He went on to stun the Auburn defense, throwing for 242 yards and two touchdowns. Jefferson adds to his record against the Tigers by throwing (gasp) a perfect game as a quarterback. Jefferson completes 30 of 30 passes for 324 yards and four touchdowns with ZERO interceptions to lead LSU in the 35-31 victory in Auburn. Cam Newton has a chance to win the game in the last minute but Les Miles' spies apprehend him with a planted laptop in his flack jacket. TIGERGATE!
Tennessee trots out the young Tyler Bray for some snaps against the Tide, and the freshman explodes for 297 yards and a pair of touchdowns in two quarters of action. Trailing 28-27 with four seconds left on the clock, Volunteers kicker Michael Palardy lines up a 34-yard field goal searching for some sweet redemption for the Tennessee faithful. A rocking Neyland Stadium drops to silence as Marcel Dareus charges up the A-gap and extends his arm to pull off his best Terrence Cody impression. History repeats itself and Dareus deflects the kick, celebration ensues on the Crimson Tide sideline. But there is a flag on the play. Twelve men on the field is called because Greg McElroy is standing on field, trying to sign language his cell phone number to a Tennessee cheerleader. Palardy drills the second attempt to seal the upset, and Nick Saban sets McElroy's 'Bama Bangs ablaze with his eyes.
While sitting out in a duck blind, former Minnesota head coach Tim Brewster texts in every play call to his interim replacement/offensive coordinator Jeff Horton. Interestingly enough, Brewster calling plays with no knowledge of down or distance is more effective than having him on the sideline. The Golden Gophers succeed in knocking off Penn State 28-10, picking up their first conference win of the season. Coach Joe Paterno tries to get some offensive spark by inserting freshman Kevin Newsome in a wildcat package. Paterno paces his feeble fibulas up and down the Nittany Lions sideline but can't find Newsome anywhere. He is back in University Park in Music Building 1, tickling the ivories.