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Blog Entry

Hockeytown, USA Goes Octopus-Free

Posted on: February 13, 2009 2:11 pm
Edited on: February 13, 2009 6:13 pm

premature articulations:

Sheesh.  Some hockey town.  The Detroit Red Wings put a 4-2 wax job on the Minnesota Wild, and not one single suckered cephalopod hits the ice?!  Warped minds have suspected for a long time that most of the Red Wings bandwagon is made up of yuppie lawyers who don't watch hockey until March -- and probably think that octopus is for eating.  The ocean of empty seats at the Loo did little to alter that theory.  Hockeytown, my ass.  But enough talk about my good side, eh?  It's time to fire up the Warpy Psychlotron and hand out some quarks:

dangling sub-atomic participles:

Top Quark(s):  Nobody on the Wild is worthy of the Top Quark, so we'll give this one to last year's almost-a-wild-player Marian Hossa.  In a strange twist of irony, I mentioned to a certain Wings Diva yesterday that the defensive play of Martin Skoula, Brent Burns and Kim Johnsson might make Henrik Zetterberg and Pavel Datsyuk laugh too hard to get off a decent shot.  Sure enough, those two were kept off the scoreboard, but I forgot to mention Hosehead in yesterday's post -- and guess who pots two goals?  The Wild were one of several teams who offered Hoser more money last year, but it looks like he made a good call to go with the Wings if it's a Cup he wants before he retires.  Once he's got his ring, then he can spend the rest of his career playing in front of a live audience in real Hockeytown, USA.

Up Quark(s):  Despite the 4-2 final, both goalies played extremely well to keep the scoreboard looking more like hockey game than a football game.  Josh Harding gave up a goal on a rebound that he could've prevented, and gave up another softie on a wraparound, but he also made 39 saves -- many of them quality shots from Wings players who teed off on a Wild defensive corps that looked like it was on bad quaaludes.  Again.  Chris Osgood was also sharp, stopping the Wild cold on several good scoring chances when the outcome of the game was still undecided.

Brent Burns gets an Up Quark call for his nice goal.  Finally, Burnsie just took a nice, quick shot -- instead of hanging on to the puck in hopes that the other team might decide to pull the goalie while he's out there skating around and coughing up the puck.  Nick Schultz continues to pick his defensive game back up to where warped minds are used to seeing it: unspectacular, but rock solid.  Apparently, Schultzie has stopped relying on the Dildaphonic Duo for veteran leadership, because his play has improved markedly in the last few games.

Down Quark(s):  Burnsie also gets a Down Quark for his continued putrid defensive play.  Last night, it looked like #8 and #41 swapped jerseys before the game.  The Red Wings fans -- or at least the few dozen who showed up last night -- also get a downer call for the lack of octupus action.  All is not lost, though: I believe the Wings have one more tilt against the Wild later on at the X, so Detroiters are only one live octopus away from gaining another passionate fan for a Wings Cup.

Bottom Quark(s):  In order to cut down on the amount of typing I'll need to do on further entries, I might as well put Martin Skoula's name here on a permanent basis.

Once again, Skooly actually played a decent game.  #41 did make a handful of his usual bumbling plays, and also did quite a bit of his usual standing by the goalpost facing the wrong way routine, but he did made enough good plays to cancel out the bad plays and end up quarkless for the game.  Since he seems to play better when I leave him permanently in Bottom Quark Land, I'm not going to change the luck now.

The real Bottom Quark last night goes to Kim Johnsson, who continues to play "defense" as if he's afraid that people might think he's gay if he touches another guy.  The Five Million Dollar Swedish Turnstile was in typical form last night: non-defending players driving to the net, then abandoning them at the last second and hanging his partner out to dry.  Schultzie looked none too pleased after Detroit's wraparound goal, and #5 appeared to be the source of his disgust.  According to the Pioneer Press, several scouts were at the X for Wednesday night's game against the Avalanche, and Johnsson was one of the players supposedly drawing trade interest because of his minutes munching durability (heck, it's easy to stay healthy if ya never touch anyone, eh?)  If Doug Risebrough manages to unload the European Salary Cap Boat Anchor for anything more than a dozen used water bottles, he gets my vote for NHL executive of the year.

Strange Quark(s):  So what exactly is it with all of the empty seats in "Hockeytown"??  If I didn't know better, I'd swear it was Atlanta Thrashers Fan Night at the Loo.  Heck, I haven't seen that many empty seats in a loo since the Republikkkans got off (no pun intended:) at the Minneapolis-St.Paul airport before their kihnvention.

Charmed Quark(s):  Thankfully for the Detroit Red Wings organization, warped minds are never short on ideas to get more fans in the seats.  The obvious answer to making Joe Louis Arena look something like a hockey town again would be to work a trade for Claude Lemieux before the deadline.  If that doesn't get fans packing the seats, I dunno what will.  And as a free bonus, the Wings will have the final piece of the proverbial puzzle to cement another Stanley Cup championship this year.  You're welcome in advance for the free marketing information.Laughing

The Invisible Higgs Boson Award(s):  At the rate things are progressing, the Europeans will fire up their Large Hadron Collider (LHC) and disCERN the real Higgs particle before Marian Gaborik is seen in skates again.  It's enough to make warped minds fire up their THC (that would be "titanic hadron colliders", in case your twisted mind was thinking about chemistry instead of physics...)

post-dramatic sin drones:

And in Kihnclusion:  The Wild kihntinue to tease fans with the old "good game, bad game" routine.  Last night's game was basically an expected loss, but time is running out for the good guys to put some space between themselves and the edge of the playoff bubble.  With a brutal schedule that sees the Wild playing 12 of 16 games on the road in March, the good guys need to snatch up every point they can while the schedule is still in their favor this month.  A spanking wax job on the Senators tomorrow night would be a good start.  GO WILD!!!

...and now, a word from our spawn's heirs...

If my wife to be or not to be is watching, now that you're finally showing some interest in football, whaddya say we work on the spread formation a few times, eh?  To the rest of you, thanx for tuning in, and remember: If the women don't find ya handsome, they should at least find ya handy.


Since: Aug 13, 2007
Posted on: February 17, 2009 11:42 am

Hockeytown, USA Goes Octopus-Free

Dang.  I just can't rile up them Wings fans like I used to.  You know you're losing your touch when you try to get 'em going, and the only ones who respond are two genuine Wings fans plus a freaking Avalanche fan.Yell  It's a far cry from the good old days when Erin Brown had the hottest blog going for a couple of days because some homer Wings fans misinterpreted a post of mine where I was trying to pay their team a compliment.Innocent  I must've gotten their goats pretty good, because they keep their goats (and other farm animals) on a much tighter leash now.

As for the -30 score, either a zillion Wings fans gave out 1s in the span of under a minute, or CBS has another bug on its hands.  The score was somewhere in the 250s when originally posted, and stayed around that range through a couple of edits on my part (a true great blogger is never satisfied, eh?) but took the quick dump to -30 when I did one final edit (correcting the spelling on one word) after Diva had posted a comment on the blog.  It's certainly not Diva's fault, so warped minds suspect there's some kind of automated logic on CBS' part that really penalizes editing something after people have put up responding posts: I'm guessing this is to discourage the Mike Freemans of the world from reinventing themselves halfway through a discussion thread.Tongue out

And for the science related theme, that's probably just a holdover from my early school days.  I was one of those kid prodigies who was reading college chemistry books at 13, and really got into nuclear physics before high school was over.  Unfortunately, the only logical career path for those skills at the time was to make bombs for Uncle Sam, and it looked like Sam's supply of nukes was already pretty good at the time (tho IMO we could've lightened the load by one in Tora Bora a while back, and even tried to deflect the blame, but now I digress:)  And also like the typical early prodigy, warped minds got disillusioned before our college educations made it far enough to get the paper that would free us from the prostrate mind.

Back to hockey, I wouldn't mind Risebrough trying to get more offense.  Our defense actually isn't all that bad, except for Kim Johnsson (even Skooly is acceptable some of the time:) and we're getting Foster back soon, so getting some scoring would be a nice move.  It would beat last offseason, where Dougie got rid of our offense and got virtually nothing back to show for it.

Since: Jan 23, 2008
Posted on: February 15, 2009 2:02 am

Hockeytown, USA Goes Octopus-Free

Sell out the Xcel Energy Center every game. Win anything? 2 World Series titles. And the Twins beat your Tigers on the way to 1 of them.

Since: Aug 13, 2008
Posted on: February 14, 2009 6:33 pm

Hockeytown, USA Goes Octopus-Free

Well, we've gotta jab at something, and even Wild fans with the most warped minds can't take jabs at the quality of hockey the Wings play.  That leaves us with lameoid attendance.  Or The Rent A Campbell Conference Red Wings.  Or the fact that Wings fans did get carried away one year and threw several live octopi on the ice, making one of the Sports Hall of Shame books.  Then again, I suppose hall of shame behavior is to be expected from sports fans who torch and shoot cars after basketball games, eh?


Well, I guess we'll find out what Minnesota fans do if they ever win anything, eh? 

Tongue out

Since: Aug 10, 2006
Posted on: February 14, 2009 11:30 am

Hockeytown, USA Goes Octopus-Free

Now, now Warpy... let's not pick on the Detroit masses for their inability to go to games. I'll back you up on this one WingsDiva. I have no doubt fans would LIKE to go to Red Wings games. They probably just can't afford it with the economy and all. We're feeling the crunch down here, too. The Panthers are winning and playing awesome hockey, but foreclosure rates are sky high. So is the unemployment rate. Going to a hockey game just doesn't seem important when you're trying to keep a roof over your head and food in your mouth.

But I digress.

Regarding the Wild defense... does it scare you that Doug Risebrough recently said he's willing to trade defense to get offense?  If the defense is having issues, er, defensively...

BTW, I've been meaning to ask... how did you come up with the physics theme for the game recaps?

Since: Jan 23, 2008
Posted on: February 14, 2009 12:10 am

Hockeytown, USA Goes Octopus-Free

Great post as always Warped. But that -31 for a score? WTF CBS???? 

Since: Aug 13, 2007
Posted on: February 13, 2009 5:48 pm

Hockeytown, USA Goes Octopus-Free

I am so freakin' tired of answering the attendance jabs that I will abstain here.Well, we've gotta jab at something, and even Wild fans with the most warped minds can't take jabs at the quality of hockey the Wings play.  That leaves us with lameoid attendance.  Or The Rent A Campbell Conference Red Wings.  Or the fact that Wings fans did get carried away one year and threw several live octopi on the ice, making one of the Sports Hall of Shame books.  Then again, I suppose hall of shame behavior is to be expected from sports fans who torch and shoot cars after basketball games, eh?

Since: Nov 29, 2007
Posted on: February 13, 2009 5:13 pm

Hockeytown, USA Goes Octopus-Free

In my opinion an octopus should only be thrown for a playoff game.

Except for the shorty the Red Wings gave up, they looked pretty dominant last night.

The Hossa pass to Hudler was incredible. To watch plays like that is reason enough to attend hockey games. 

Since: Aug 13, 2008
Posted on: February 13, 2009 2:56 pm

Hockeytown, USA Goes Octopus-Free

Funnily enough, a few days ago I was telling my boyfriend (who isn't as big a hockey fan as I) that the Wild always play AWESOME D against the Wings. I thought your netminder played spectacularly.

I am so freakin' tired of answering the attendance jabs that I will abstain here.  All I can tell you is that my family, who has had season tickets since 1983, was finally forced to give them up this year. 

As for the lack of octopi, you must understand that these are not thrown casually - or at least shouldn't be.  These are generally thrown out before games start as the playoffs near and are always present the first home game of the season.  There are those idiots that have thrown them on enemy ice throughout the season, which really annoys me.  It's disrespectful to the opposing team and their home arena and fans and cheapens the tradition behind the octopus. They really start to fly once the playoffs start.  I know a lot of people find it disgusting, but there's something about I really like, especially when Al twirls them around.  It is HIGHLY amusing to watch the linesmen try to clean them up.  :)  And BTW, they are never "live."  They are boiled beforehand to reduce slime and smell.  Still hope we can get another passionate vote for Wings taking it all again this year, with or without a cephalapod!

Concerning Hossa:  I hadn't heard that Minnesota was serious about him.  Rumblings around town are that he really likes it here and would be willing to re-sign for between 6 and  7 million long-term, depending on contract length.  He gave up a boatload of money to come here, so I'm not holding my breath, but it sure would be nice to keep both Hossa and Franzen.

Getting Lemieux is a stroke of genious!  They could customize jerseys with the wheel on the front and a turtle shell on the back.  They'd outsell Crosby jerseys!

I don't see you having a problems with the Sens.  Good luck.


The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or