AP Dateline: September 17th, 2010, New York City, NY
New York City riot squad was called to the front of the offices of the National Football League, when it was reported that a bunch of angry women were circling the sidewalk, yelling and making cat calls. After a few moments, police left the scene without incident and it was reported that a female officer was seen running into the liquor store and returning to the scene with a bottle of champagne.
When asked why the women were protesting, the organizer Mary Jones stated “protesting hell, we’re celebrating that Clinton Portis opted to become a professional football player and not a gynecologist.”
Podunk Iowa, September 17th, 2010
Edna Brown was one of twenty women from the St,. Agnes Retirement Home who arrived at the Podunk Chronicle looking to apply for the position of sports reporter. When asked what her qualifications were and why she wanted the position, a 75 year old Edna Brown told the editor “oh, I have no qualifications. You see, since Herb had his bypass surgery, he can no longer take Viagra and well, I understand that in those locker rooms there are 53 men for the picking”. Of the other 19 applicants, none were under the age of 70 with the oldest being 90.
It seems the controversy over the NFL and women in the locker rooms had a positive effect for the WNBA. While attendance at the games remained low, press coverage was at a record high tonight. When asked why all the sudden interest in the team, a spokesperson said “oh I don’t think there’s an increased interest. With all the fuss over in the NFL, it finally dawned on them that they can enter a woman’s locker room too. Only took them 30 years to figure that one out”.
Having reported on the local sports scene for a month now, Jonathon was disappointed that he had yet to see a woman athlete in the state of undressed during the locker room interview. All that would change the night he covered the St. Agnes’s game. The next day it was reported that they found him huddled in a corner staring at the ceiling in horror, mumbling “be careful what you wish for”. While it wasn’t the sight of a naked 75 year old Edna that had done it, the scene of her standing in front of him, shaking all she had asking him if he wanted some of this pushed him over the edge.
Celia’s appeal to her audience was neither her brains nor her reporting ability. When her station told her she would be covering a charity game between the Bears and the Rams, she was excited because here was her chance to make it to national television. After arriving at the site, she was disappointed that the two teams weren’t the famed NFL teams but from an off-shoot regional league. Prepared to make the best of it, she decided to do it up with the charm and appeal on camera. Unfortunately, the man she was interviewing didn’t respond the way she had hoped. By the third interview, and her frustration growing because she wasn’t invoking the response, she angrily asked the player in front of her…“what’s wrong with you all, are you all gay?” The player responded “why yes honey, we are, good to see you finally figured that out”.
The young rookie linebacker from USC thought he was going to be so cool and cute while being interviewed in the buff by the seasoned female reporter in front of him. When he asked what she thought of his package, without blinking an eye she told him “unless it is able to sack a quarterback, deflect a ball from a wide receiver, I doubt my readers would be interested in it”.
Note: To my knowledge none of this is true...but you know, the celebration in front of NFL headquarters might be fun.