My 91 year old grandmother, god bless her, suffers from a severe case of dementia. Unfortunately, that and alzheimers is not uncommon on her side of the family. It was a few years ago that my mother, who was caring for her, ended up having to put her in a home because she had gotten to the point where she was seeing children in the closet, taking her shoes.
It actually didn’t come as a surprise to me that these events were occurring and that my grandmother’s state of mind was slowly deteriorating. So, when my mother called me to tell me about it, to resist her wrath, I refrained from asking “is she sure they’re children and not elves”? It struck me then, that there was a good chance, that one day I too could suffer from this ailment.
Lately, my family has been noticing my short lapses in memory. They’ve also started pointing out times, when I’m bored I start muttering to myself and in turn, start scheming. So, for them, they know that bored Mom with faulty mental faculties is a very, scary thing. Now when Mom gets bored, be very, very, very, afraid.
One thing that easily bores me is long car trips and anything over 15 minutes, is long for me. Today, because the closest audiologist in our insurance network is an hour and a half away, I had to make a long, boring trip. While going up there, I decided to let my mind wonder (don’t worry, I was still fully aware of the road) with possible scenarios. Yep, I tend to play things in my head to get a feel for them.
One of the things that my mind wondered to was journalism. A few times in my life, I had contemplated being a journalist, only to have reality snap back at me. Today, I contemplated what it would be like to be a sports journalist and imagined how I would interview Tom Brady, Ben Roethlisberger, Eli Manning, Brady Quinn and Bill Belicheck. Okay, it started out pretty innocent, but by the end, I even scared myself. I’ll show you why.
Tom Brady Interview:
Me: Mr. Brady, thank you for taking the time to chat with me.
Brady: No problem Ma’am, it’s my pleasure
Me: You must be very proud of the things that you’ve accomplished since becoming the starting quarterback for the Patriots.
Me: Would you care to elaborate?
Okay, so the Tom Brady interview was a little dull, and instead of playing it out , I went onto the next one.
Ben Roethlisberger Interview:
Me: Mr. Roethlisberger, thank you for taking the time to chat with me.
Ben: Please call me Ben, after all, you are old enough to be my Mom and it just doesn’t sound right to be addressed as Mr.
Me: Ummm, okay…Ben…so…
Ben: Excuse me Mom, can I get you some tea, would you like me to drag your walker closer, can I get you some geritol?
Well, so much for my self-esteem on this one. Maybe the one with Eli Manning would go better.
Eli Manning Interview:
Me: Mr. Manning, thank you for taking the time to chat with me.
Eli: Please call me Eli
Me: Thank you Eli, wow what an incredible season you had.
Eli: Yes, by the way, I like older women
Me: Ummm…okay Eli, that’s…ummm…good to know, about your…
Eli: (In a whispered tone), you’re rather hot, you know
Okay, so I’m starting to get scared here, time to change to another interview.
Brady Quinn Interview:
Me: Mr. Quinn, thank you for taking the time to chat with me.
Brady: Please call me…snookems
Brady: Can I call you…mommy?
Oh lord, I’m now almost to the point that I’m freaking, just a little, so I move on to the last interview.
Bill Belicheck Interview:
Me: Mr. Belicheck, thank you for taking the time to chat with me.
Bill: You can call me…..daddy
It was right after this one that I found myself in a cold sweat and had to pull over to the side of the road to calm the oncoming anxiety attack that I was about to have. It was then that I realized that children stealing shoes in the closet may not be a bad thing, compared to the alternatives. So if you don’t hear from me for the next 72 hours, check the nearest mental hospital, I’m sure they’ll have me locked up for my own good.
Note: With all respect to the persons mentioned, please, please, please forgive me...