Blog Entry

Off the Deep End

Posted on: February 5, 2008 8:47 pm
Edited on: February 5, 2008 8:48 pm

My 91 year old grandmother, god bless her, suffers from a severe case of dementia.  Unfortunately, that and alzheimers is not uncommon on her side of the family.  It was a few years ago that my mother, who was caring for her, ended up having to put her in a home because she had gotten to the point where she was seeing children in the closet, taking her shoes.

It actually didn’t come as a surprise to me that these events were occurring and that my grandmother’s state of mind was slowly deteriorating.  So, when my mother called me to tell me about it, to resist her wrath, I refrained from asking “is she sure they’re children and not elves”?  It struck me then, that there was a good chance, that one day I too could suffer from this ailment.

Lately, my family has been noticing my short lapses in memory.  They’ve also started pointing out times, when I’m bored I start muttering to myself and in turn, start scheming.  So, for them, they know that bored Mom with faulty mental faculties is a very, scary thing.  Now when Mom gets bored, be very, very, very, afraid.

One thing that easily bores me is long car trips and anything over 15 minutes, is long for me.  Today, because the closest audiologist in our insurance network is an hour and a half away, I had to make a long, boring trip.  While going up there, I decided to let my mind wonder (don’t worry, I was still fully aware of the road) with possible scenarios.  Yep, I tend to play things in my head to get a feel for them.

One of the things that my mind wondered to was journalism.  A few times in my life, I had contemplated being a journalist, only to have reality snap back at me.  Today, I contemplated what it would be like to be a sports journalist and imagined how I would interview Tom Brady, Ben Roethlisberger, Eli Manning, Brady Quinn and Bill Belicheck.  Okay, it started out pretty innocent, but by the end, I even scared myself.  I’ll show you why.

Tom Brady Interview:

Me:  Mr. Brady, thank you for taking the time to chat with me.
Brady:  No problem Ma’am, it’s my pleasure
Me:  You must be very proud of the things that you’ve accomplished since becoming the starting quarterback for the Patriots.
Brady:  Yes.
Me:  Would you care to elaborate?
Brady:  No.

Okay, so the Tom Brady interview was a little dull, and instead of playing it out , I went onto the next one.

Ben Roethlisberger Interview:

Me:  Mr. Roethlisberger, thank you for taking the time to chat with me.
Ben:  Please call me Ben, after all, you are old enough to be my Mom and it just doesn’t sound right to be addressed as Mr.
Me:  Ummm, okay…Ben…so…
Ben:  Excuse me Mom, can I get you some tea, would you like me to drag your walker closer, can I get you some geritol?

Well, so much for my self-esteem on this one.  Maybe the one with Eli Manning would go better.

Eli Manning Interview:

Me:  Mr. Manning, thank you for taking the time to chat with me.
Eli:  Please call me Eli
Me:  Thank you Eli, wow what an incredible season you had.
Eli:  Yes, by the way, I like older women
Me:  Ummm…okay Eli, that’s…ummm…good to know, about your…
Eli: (In a whispered tone), you’re rather hot, you know

Okay, so I’m starting to get scared here, time to change to another interview.

Brady Quinn Interview:

Me:  Mr. Quinn, thank you for taking the time to chat with me.
Brady:  Please call me…snookems
Me:  Ummm…snookems?
Brady:  Can I call you…mommy?

Oh lord, I’m now almost to the point that I’m freaking, just a little, so I move on to the last interview.

Bill Belicheck Interview:

Me:  Mr. Belicheck, thank you for taking the time to chat with me.
Bill:  You can call me…..daddy

It was right after this one that I found myself in a cold sweat and had to pull over to the side of the road to calm the oncoming anxiety attack that I was about to have.  It was then that I realized that children stealing shoes in the closet may not be a bad thing, compared to the alternatives.   So if you don’t hear from me for the next 72 hours, check the nearest mental hospital, I’m sure they’ll have me locked up for my own good.

Note:  With all respect to the persons mentioned, please, please, please forgive me...


Category: NFL
Tags: Humor

Since: Nov 6, 2006
Posted on: February 6, 2008 9:54 am

Off the Deep End

The fact you took the time to interview Brady Quinn scares me.

Since: Sep 9, 2006
Posted on: February 6, 2008 4:06 am

Off the Deep End


Sounds like a pretty lucrative business you have going there, with the shoes and the bunion pads.  I may just have to try that t see about supplementing our income.

Glad you enjoyed it. 

Since: Sep 9, 2006
Posted on: February 6, 2008 3:48 am

Off the Deep End

LOL Badger, no you can't call me mommy.  Yeah, I can see where my mind could have wondered that far, especially since I was in the process of getting my hearing aid.  Or, what would even be worse, replace Bilicheck with an even more scarier man....Tom Coughlin.

Since: Sep 9, 2006
Posted on: February 6, 2008 3:41 am

Off the Deep End


Well, it was way past the last play of the game.  But I'm still a little distraught, even after sleeping, that my mind traveled even that far.

Since: Sep 10, 2007
Posted on: February 6, 2008 2:47 am

Off the Deep End


Thanks, that was just what I needed before bedtime after a long day.

I live in a predominantly retired community, in the desert southwest. I make a very fine living retrieving shoes from the Kindergartners at the local elementary school. They got a contract with the salvation army a while ago to collect shoes from the elderly, heck they never wear them anyway and usually can't remember which one's are theirs, but I back door'd the salvation army and now buy the shoes from the carpet crawlers and sell them back to the geezers for a nice profit! It's a heck of a racket! Oh don't give me that look, we still donate the occasional stinker that has been bunionized beyond recognition, to the SA.

I have also found a secondary income in retrieving the rolled up tiny nylons, bunion pads and wart patches that are always stuck in the bottom of the shoes, and trade them to homeless people in return for the free meal vouchers to the Casinos and McDonalds. The Salvation Army gives those out here, isn't that nice, you get a free quarter pounder with cheese or a trip to the grease pit in the Casino, yet you have nowhere to punch a grumpy. I then sell the free meal vouchers for 6 bucks a piece to local high school kids, there not terribly bright. I just tell them to kept it quiet cause we can't just give out free stuff all the time!

Is that a good example of trickle down economics?

Good night and thanks again. Seriously!

Since: Jan 24, 2007
Posted on: February 5, 2008 11:24 pm
This comment has been removed.

Post Deleted by Administrator

Since: Sep 4, 2007
Posted on: February 5, 2008 10:57 pm

Off the Deep End


Look at the bright side . . . at least you got Belichick to mumble five words instead of his usual one or two.  (OBTW, was your interview with him before or after the last play of the game?)

Since: Sep 9, 2006
Posted on: February 5, 2008 9:08 pm

Off the Deep End

Thanks keith for the  Yeah, I'm sure it will be awhile before it fully kicks in, if it does.  Thankfully for me, I really don't remember my dreams.  Can you imagine how odd they might be given what my conscience mind is capable of?

Since: Apr 26, 2007
Posted on: February 5, 2008 9:04 pm

Off the Deep End

So i origionally thought i was going to say something about how we all have strange thought on occaision, but that was a little over the top. Especially seeing as you were in fact, not dreaming this, these were consious thoughts. But on the bright side, you probably have a good 30-40 years befor the dimensia starts getting to ya.


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