Blog Entry

It's Not Going To Happen

Posted on: April 2, 2008 6:55 pm
Edited on: April 2, 2008 6:55 pm

They thought they caught me in their little traps.  They laid the bread crumbs ooooh so nicely, and I started to follow.  When I started to back away, started to get skittish, they used sparkly objects to divert, capture and hold my attention.  They were masters at weaving a spell, of tempting me, seducing me and they almost got me there.  Got me to where I would be helpless, needy, dependent on them.   That was until I read this.  Wow, talk about being in shell shock.

For a long time I have fought even my own curiosity of fantasy football and resisted the urge for it.  I've already said that I've been known to kill Tamaguchi pets, let fully trained Furbies digress back to the start and have thrown many dead chia pets away.  If it doesn't breath, eat, and sleep, chances are, if it needs some kind of care, I'll destroy it.  My daughter entrusted me with her little egg pets, which I would take to work with me each day, by lunch, they were dead and she'd have to start all over.  When she finally got her furbies trained to speak where you understand them, she asked me to take care of them while she went on vacation to PA for a month.  I was a big disappointment to her when she returned and had to retrain her furbies all over again. 

It's easy, they told me, don't worry, you can't do anything that will hurt your team.  Okay, three different men tried to get me into three different FF leagues for the next season.  They almost had me.  They knew what would entice me.  Yeah, they almost were able to find a sucker.  Fortunately, I decided that I would start reading up, look at what the "experts" wrote up, read the blogs on FF.  It was Dave Richards blog today that had me running, screaming for the hills. 

I didn't know you needed to have a PhD in physics.  I tried to comprehend, really I did.  Okay, so I caught some of what he was trying to project for Laurence Maroney but now he's talking variances. Oh my god, I'm not John Nash, I'll never get this.  Heck, I struggled through the variance and methods, means and modes portion in stats 101. 

So I was saved in the nick of time, before I dove in with both feet, before they tried to push  Brian St. Pierre on me as my starting Quarterback (yeah, I know he was cut as the 3d string QB from the Steelers).  Before they tried to get me to draft Terrelle Pryor.  This is one fool they didn't catch in their sinister web of treachery and deceit. 

I admit it, I know my limitations, I know what I can't do, it's not something I'm going to be good at.  It's just too much for my mind to comprehend doing every week, taking the stats, multiplying them by x to the 5th power and then dividing them by pi to determine whether or not I should start Jerome Bettis that week or not. 

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but I think I'll give it about 5 years for me to fully comprehend it before dabbling in fantasy football.  Thanks Dave for opening my eyes.


Since: Nov 6, 2006
Posted on: April 7, 2008 11:03 am

It's Not Going To Happen

The website you do it through calculates all the points.  I just spent five minutes looking at who plays what team and decide my line up.  And trade for a quarterback after Rivers and Cutler were utter failures.

Since: Sep 9, 2006
Posted on: April 5, 2008 10:51 am

It's Not Going To Happen

Thanks Whiskey Jim,

I can understand wanting to do something and actually doing it.  I'd like to sleep past 5:30 but am unable to.   Instead I'll take advantage when I am able to snuggle up on the couch and take my 2 hour naps on the weekend.  Kind of like you said about FF.  I'll take what I can get with football and try not to overextend myself with it. 

Since: Mar 22, 2008
Posted on: April 5, 2008 9:52 am

It's Not Going To Happen

Beautiful article:) 

I love the idea of some things.  For instance, I love the idea of getting up at 5:30am and working out on my gym equipment, or taking a relaxed 30 minute run, taking a shower, and having a refreshing, fruit based breakfast while I read the morning paper, and walking into work at 7:30am awake, invigorated, informed, and loose.  I love the idea.  I would love to be that guy. 

And that's how I feel about fantasy football.  I love football.  I love stats.  I love watching the games.  I love preparing well.

And exactly like getting up in the morning, I absolutely hate doing it.  Like you said, It's not going to happen.

Since: Sep 9, 2006
Posted on: April 4, 2008 2:16 pm

It's Not Going To Happen

OMG, I'm going to need a white board just to be able to track what constitutes each point.  Wonder if I should start creating a program now that will track and calculate my points. 

Well it may not be a slow, painful, death from my team after all.  More like fast, messy and extrutiating execution instead. 


Since: Nov 6, 2006
Posted on: April 4, 2008 2:07 pm

It's Not Going To Happen

Ummm, there's points?
It's football, silly!  Of course there's points.

That's why everyone wants a stud running back first - most leagues have backs getting the most points.  Here's how a typical league is set up (or how our's was, at least):
6 points for a touchdown (passing, receiving, rushing, defensive, return)
-2 for a fumble loss
-2 for an interception
1 point for 25 passing yards
1 point for 10 rushing yards
1 point for 10 receiving yards
3 points for a field goal
1 point for an extra point
2 points for a defensive fumble recovery or interception (team defense)
1 point for a sack (team defense)
I forget points for Points Allowed and Yards Allowed, but I think 8 was the max in either (8 points for a 0 - 3 points allowed, 8 points for 0 - 99 offensive yards)

Let's say your quarterback was Mike Vick.  He throws for 250 yards, 2 touchdowns, and rushes for 50 and a touchdown.  Three touchdowns = 18.  250 passing yards = 10 (250/25).  50 rushing yards = 5 (50/10).  18 + 10 + 5 = 33.  Mike Vick would have 33 points that week. 
Do that for all your actives (usually - 1 qb, 2 rb, 3 wr, 1 TE, 1 kicker, 1 defense+special teams)

Some leagues have special rules, such as Point Per Reception leagues...where you get a point for every catch.  Or Independent Defensive Player leagues, where you draft a defensive player instead of a Defensive Unit.

Since: Sep 9, 2006
Posted on: April 4, 2008 9:06 am

It's Not Going To Happen

So hawgballa, if I get in on one of these net leagues, does that mean I have to drink cyber beer and eat cyber pizza?  (I can see the virtual calories adding up teasing. 

I can understand about the game vs the points kind of making it hard to choose who to route for when you have an FF team.  Guess this is another reason my FF team would die a long, painful, death. 

Since: Jan 21, 2008
Posted on: April 4, 2008 8:35 am

It's Not Going To Happen

you gota be a or is that the NBA all for any fantasy .[i think] when it comes to drinking beer and eating lots of pizza mom..your missing out could at least try a free leauge first..there are numorous ones on the net.sure youll find actually in a fantasy golf leauge=boring..but itll suffice me untill football season rolls back around..also im in two nascar leauges a skins fan..have been since my mom got me that dang toboggin and jacket  when i was 5yrs old..

but it honestly has ruined the game for me as a whole...if my fantasy team needs points,and the player is going against them,,you guess who im rooting for..sad but true..

Since: Sep 9, 2006
Posted on: April 3, 2008 3:42 pm

It's Not Going To Happen

LOL, glad I'm not the only one who thinks that redawnt1, (now if we can get a few more males to admit it I think we'll be just fine)

Since: Dec 18, 2006
Posted on: April 3, 2008 3:30 pm

It's Not Going To Happen

I'm with you mom. Fantasy Football  is too much for my mind to comprehend too.  It will take more than 5 years for me though. 

Since: Sep 9, 2006
Posted on: April 3, 2008 3:07 pm

It's Not Going To Happen

7 - If your down by twenty, and your best player is playing on Monday Night, you can count on him to get nineteen points, max.

Ummm, there's points?  Thanks for the info Clovdyx.  Perhaps I'll do a lone "draft" by myself and see how badly I screw up. 

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