So I watched my first preseason Monday night football game last night. When I was done, I had this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I felt dirty, violated, and angry like I had just been abused by a gang of seven foot tall ex-cons named Bubba.
Tony Kornheiser makes me sick. Mike Tirico I can tolerate. Jaws to me used to be the only redeeming quality but after last night and learning that he and Tony play golf together, F him too. Forget it, scrap em all. They suck more than a 2 dollar hooker on nickel BJ night.
Here's my two cents on the game.....
The Cleveland Browns looked terrible. This confirms my assumption that the Browns were a one hit wonder. Derek Anderson looked like David Carr in his final season here with the Texans. Timid, indecisive, lacked confidence and very down on himself. He had this blank look on his face and he kept his head down every time I saw him. He would walk into the huddle with his head down like "Oh, woe is me." He just didn't have that special something around him that gives me or anyone else the impression that he is a winner. He didn't look like he could handle the pressure. They aren't going to get it done with Derek Anderson this year and if he doesn't man up and show a little confidence the fans and media will be calling for Golden Boy Quinn by game six....watch.
Same ol Jamal different team. That's all I'm gonna say about that.
As for the Giants.....While Eli was getting verbally blown by Tony Kornheiser I didn't buy into the hype Kornhole was selling. He did make two TD passes to Hixon, give him credit for that. This only set Tony off more and made him want to run out and buy a saddle to ride Eli's nuts with. If you really looked at the passes they weren't as perfect as Tony would have you believe. Eli put a little too much on those balls and was very close to over throwing them completely. I think more credit should be given to the receiver for pulling them down and getting both feet inbounds. Hey, that's just my two cents though. Additionally, let's face it, the Browns defensive line doesn't exactly strike fear in the hearts of opposing QBs.
Jacobs is going to get hurt again this season. Lock it up, take it to the bank. The boy is big and he's a bruiser but he runs too tall and he's gonna get his head taken off one of these days. WHO THE F IS THIS Danny Ware KID? He looked like a total stud. Or maybe it was just the Browns D making him look good. I'll have to keep an eye on this kid.
The Giants D was impressive. Pressure pressure pressure. I'm surprised that they aren't ranked higher in fantasy lists. There is all this Osi talk but this kid Justin Tuck is something else. Where do the Giants grow these guys? They grow pass rushers like the Denver Broncos grow 1000 yard runningbacks. Again, maybe it was just the Browns doing their part? Time will tell.
The real reason for this post is that I will not rest until the MNF crew is canned, sacked, fired, or otherwise terminated. Tony Kornheiser's analysis of Eli Manning's progression after the superbowl win is that, and I quote "He looks taller and much more handsome."............ Yeah, I'm gonna give that a minute to soak in..."He looks taller and much more handsome."........
Did he just say that? WHAT THE HELL, TONY!?! Um....Yeah, this is the coverage I tune in for. (Said that with every once of sarcasm in my body) Then later he asks Mike and Jaws what they think about the Browns new pants color like he's calling an episode of project runway or something. As the Browns finally put a decent drive together and finally get the ball in the end zone we are graced with a long stupid golf story about how Tony had the best day of his life playing golf with Trump and "schmoozing" with not just Brett Favre but Brett Favre's entire family! All this instead of calling the game. I'm sure the Favre clan is happy you shared that little tidbit about thier future home purchase with the rest of the nation Tony.
Dude, seriously I can't be the only one on this planet that thinks that Tony and his lackeys are a total waste of good breathing air. Does ESPN actually think they have found the next Al Michaels? I mean does the MNF brain trust sit there after the game and go "Yeah, that was good. The viewers are going to love this. We are gettin' an Emmy nod for sure!" Jesus ESPN, get a clue. It's too bad Nielsen can't tell you how many of your viewers actually mute their TVs. Then maybe you'd get the point that the only reason we watch is for the football.
At least Tony didn't use the time to tell us all about his political views. Maybe he is saving that for the regular season. I don't know. All I do know is that if I ever see him out in my streets, I'm gonna stick a fist in his piehole and shave his head. Then I'll have the letters D. O. R. K. tattooed on his forehead. "Comb that over, ya dweeb." Oh and get a new suit you bum, you look like you just stumbled out of a bar, one that's exclusively for men and plays the village people. Hey, I'm just sayin......
Note to the Giants: Nice show, I enjoyed it. Your D looks great. David Carr isn't going to get better, trust me. Cut him like everyone else. He's damaged goods. You were better off with Dough Boy Lorenzen.
Note to the Browns: WoW, you got your work cut out for you. Steptoe was a bright spot if it makes you feel any better. I just can't for the life of me think of anything else positive to say.
Note to ESPN: Do yourselves and every other football loving person on this planet a favor and get a new crew. It makes it very hard to watch without wanting to vomit. Your slow motion cam is very cool. Looks great on my TV. Everything else including the crew sucked.
Note to self: Utilize mute when watching MNF from here on out or else invest in some barf bags.