Blog Entry

Thoughts on Tiger and bachelorhood

Posted on: August 23, 2010 4:51 pm
Edited on: August 23, 2010 5:55 pm

Fleeting, first-blush thoughts about the Tiger Woods divorce, finalized with the assistance of no fewer than eight attorneys in a Panamanian courthouse on Monday...

Make that a Panama City courthouse, though it sounds a lot less dramatic.

What happens next? With this weight off his shoulders and joint custody of the kids, he can't possibly play any worse. We think.

As usual, only the lawyers win in this sort of deal. Eight of them? One of them was Elin's twin sister, Josefin Lonnborg. So at least they kept some of the money in the family. Probably not the twin-sister tag-team Tiger envisioned.

Woods hates spending money. If he was able to hold a pen steadily enough to write a check for $100 million, the unconfirmed settlement figure, who is to say his putting stroke won't again improve? That took some mettle, knowing how that guy is fiscally wired.

How will it affect Woods' play? Hard to say. Many of us thought his performance would improve once he shed himself of that posse of gold-digging pole dancers he was hanging around for the past couple of years.

Note to cavemen out there: It's unfair to pin any of this on Elin, who was as classy as humanly possible throughout a humiliating ordeal. What would anybody have done in her situation? Taken him back? Not if she has an ounce of self-respect. And she has that in pounds.

You can bet the back-room reaction in Ponte Vedra Beach will involve backsslaps and high-fives. After all, having closure on this issue can't possibly hurt Woods' chances of knocking the tarnish off his star and helping the flagging PGA Tour fortunes. TV ratings are down 16 percent this year already, according to the New York Times and Nielsen.

Now single, Woods is free to socially associate with anybody. Any. Body. The paparazzi are smiling and buying lens cleaner by the crate.

They each had to complete a four-hour online child-rearing session as part of Florida custodial process. Elin was a nanny before becoming mother to Tiger's two kids. She attended Rollins College while Tiger was on tour. Guessing it was just a tad tougher for the absentee dad to complete than mom.

Who gets the new bazzillion-dollar mansion on Jupiter Island? Elin designed much of it, never really liked Isleworth, and all of the Swedes on tour live in Jupiter. The Swedes are a tight-knit bunch. Guessing that narrows down the answer somewhat. Betting he stays based in Orlando.

According to Bloomberg, court filings indicate his full name is Eldrick Tont Woods. That could not have been easy in grade school. I swear, for the past decade, everybody thought the middle initial T. was short for Tiger. Just another bad assumption on our part about the life and times of Tiger Woods.

If you believe the rumored settlement figure and need a real-world look at what it means: Translated into career PGA Tour earnings, Elin Woods would stand at No. 1, exactly $6.27 million more than her ex-husband's earnings total.

Woods is playing this week in the FedEx Cup series opener in New Jersey. Emphasis on the Ex part.

The court charged the couple $397.50 in fees for the divorce. In the time it took to read that sentence, Tiger made that much money from Nike alone.

Somewhere, PGA Tour rookie Matt Every is reading that Tiger was relieved to get shared custody of the kids and thinking, "I got a three-month suspension for joint custory." Google it.

Newly emancipated or not, Vegas isn't envisioning a huge change in his results. The Las Vegas Hilton has Rory McIlroy listed as the favorite this week at The Barclays at 10/1, with Woods and Phil Mickelson as joint 12/1 picks. The PGA Championship marked the first time since 1997 that Woods was not favored to win a major championship.

Greg Norman and Chris Evert got divorced in Key West, far from media scrutiny. Woods and Elin opted for the other end of the state, in the semi-remote Panhandle. By the time anybody knew they were in court, it was over.
Category: Golf

Since: Jul 29, 2009
Posted on: August 29, 2010 12:27 pm

Thoughts on Tiger and bachelorhood

Do you want me to bring the Jaggermeister so we can induce all the stripper friends that I'm bringing to perform at their best? This fiesta sounds like it could rival the parties in "Animal House". Can't wait to see Eldrick with a lamp shade over his head and a couple of floozys on each arm. I've already called in sick for work the next day.

Since: Sep 11, 2006
Posted on: August 28, 2010 11:18 am

Nuff said

"Nuff said" is a favorite expression of the thoughtless in their slipping away from the consequences of ill-considered remarks.

Since: May 7, 2007
Posted on: August 25, 2010 8:14 am

Thoughts on Tiger and bachelorhood

Great idea. I'm on board.

Since: Jul 29, 2009
Posted on: August 25, 2010 12:13 am

Thoughts on Tiger and bachelorhood

 Trent my man, GET OVER IT! Your idol E. Tont Woods is nothing than just another real good golfer but never, ever will dominate like he did. The cheetah deserves everything he gets in the form of public scorn and ridicule for his "serial-like" pursuit of every hooker, prostitute, stripper and Mendy's waitress he could wrap his 7-iron around. There is a bit of good news for your feline friend though; rumor has it that Rachel U really wants to hook up with Buick's bad boy and tie the knot in Vegas come December. There is one big problem though; the U wants a dozen bridesmaids and el tigre is having a real tough time finding 12 dudes that can even fake being his pal to fill out his side of the aisle. Maybe Phil Knight can recruit you and David Feherty to throw Eldrick a hell of a bachelor party? Just be sure not to invite one of the cheetah's former partners to jump out of the cake. That could be awkward.

Since: Dec 4, 2006
Posted on: August 24, 2010 2:03 pm

Thoughts on Tiger and bachelorhood

I agree with XZMaster, all that has transpired in the last nine months is self inflicted by Tiger. The guy is the greatest golfer ever, but he is an arrogant, self-centered, human being. He's the one who chose skanks (many of them) over his wife and children. I hope he never wins another tournament, I don't care what the PGA's ratings are. This past weeks finish with Atwal winning was great golf to watch. There are too many other great young players in this game for me to give two craps about Tiger Woods!

Since: Jul 13, 2007
Posted on: August 24, 2010 1:59 pm

Thoughts on Tiger and bachelorhood

I think the divorce from Dr. Galea, you know, the guy supplying him with HGH and other PEDs, will have more affect on Eldrick than the divorce from his wife.  If he ain't roidin', he ain't winnin'.

Since: Oct 30, 2008
Posted on: August 24, 2010 1:54 pm

Tiger and bachelorhood

I am very interested to see where Tiger's golf game goes from here.  We all know where his bedroom game will go!  As many of us males are similar, we have a wild passion for lots of everything.  He is now free to act as he really desires, which is what he was doing before he got caught.  As bad as that was for everyone, expecially Elin, it might turn out to be good for him in the long run.  He clearly wasn't ready to settle down and be a typical man/father.  He wants to live the bachelors a college student.  He is your real life Van Wilder.  When he was being extremely innapropriate, but he was playing his best golf.  He needs a little booty before the tourney starts.  What's wrong with that?  There was something severely wrong with that, but not anymore.  So the question is, will he continue to act like a single 20 year old banging everything in site...while playing great golf, or will he grow up, settle down....stay settled, and try to play some golf.

It is his life, he can do what he wants.  The question stands, which life will he chose to live?

Since: Jul 11, 2009
Posted on: August 24, 2010 1:25 pm

Thoughts on Tiger and bachelorhood

Tiger Woods is more reptilian than feline.  Eldrick is adaptible like a chameleon and can shed his skin at will.  Eldrick Tont Woods is the Lizard King and will not stay single long just like his father, Earl Woods.

The Lizard King is in love with the drug addicted, Queen of Skanks, Rachel Uchitel , the future Mrs. Woods.
She should be addressed Mrs. Medusa Woods for the destruction that she has done to the Lizard King, his former family and his golf game.

Since: Sep 11, 2006
Posted on: August 24, 2010 10:37 am

Elling's first-bush thought...

Elin is a free woman.  "Elin Elling".  Has a nice ring.  But will she propose?

Since: Apr 21, 2009
Posted on: August 24, 2010 10:33 am

Thoughts on Tiger and bachelorhood

This has increasingly been the wrap up of every knucklehead moron on this site and has become the signature of the ill informed and small minded. Please make it, and Ellings pantload of venom filled Tiger hate stop. It is dull, uninspiring, obtunded idiosy.


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