Blog Entry

Thoughts on Tiger and bachelorhood

Posted on: August 23, 2010 4:51 pm
Edited on: August 23, 2010 5:55 pm

Fleeting, first-blush thoughts about the Tiger Woods divorce, finalized with the assistance of no fewer than eight attorneys in a Panamanian courthouse on Monday...

Make that a Panama City courthouse, though it sounds a lot less dramatic.

What happens next? With this weight off his shoulders and joint custody of the kids, he can't possibly play any worse. We think.

As usual, only the lawyers win in this sort of deal. Eight of them? One of them was Elin's twin sister, Josefin Lonnborg. So at least they kept some of the money in the family. Probably not the twin-sister tag-team Tiger envisioned.

Woods hates spending money. If he was able to hold a pen steadily enough to write a check for $100 million, the unconfirmed settlement figure, who is to say his putting stroke won't again improve? That took some mettle, knowing how that guy is fiscally wired.

How will it affect Woods' play? Hard to say. Many of us thought his performance would improve once he shed himself of that posse of gold-digging pole dancers he was hanging around for the past couple of years.

Note to cavemen out there: It's unfair to pin any of this on Elin, who was as classy as humanly possible throughout a humiliating ordeal. What would anybody have done in her situation? Taken him back? Not if she has an ounce of self-respect. And she has that in pounds.

You can bet the back-room reaction in Ponte Vedra Beach will involve backsslaps and high-fives. After all, having closure on this issue can't possibly hurt Woods' chances of knocking the tarnish off his star and helping the flagging PGA Tour fortunes. TV ratings are down 16 percent this year already, according to the New York Times and Nielsen.

Now single, Woods is free to socially associate with anybody. Any. Body. The paparazzi are smiling and buying lens cleaner by the crate.

They each had to complete a four-hour online child-rearing session as part of Florida custodial process. Elin was a nanny before becoming mother to Tiger's two kids. She attended Rollins College while Tiger was on tour. Guessing it was just a tad tougher for the absentee dad to complete than mom.

Who gets the new bazzillion-dollar mansion on Jupiter Island? Elin designed much of it, never really liked Isleworth, and all of the Swedes on tour live in Jupiter. The Swedes are a tight-knit bunch. Guessing that narrows down the answer somewhat. Betting he stays based in Orlando.

According to Bloomberg, court filings indicate his full name is Eldrick Tont Woods. That could not have been easy in grade school. I swear, for the past decade, everybody thought the middle initial T. was short for Tiger. Just another bad assumption on our part about the life and times of Tiger Woods.

If you believe the rumored settlement figure and need a real-world look at what it means: Translated into career PGA Tour earnings, Elin Woods would stand at No. 1, exactly $6.27 million more than her ex-husband's earnings total.

Woods is playing this week in the FedEx Cup series opener in New Jersey. Emphasis on the Ex part.

The court charged the couple $397.50 in fees for the divorce. In the time it took to read that sentence, Tiger made that much money from Nike alone.

Somewhere, PGA Tour rookie Matt Every is reading that Tiger was relieved to get shared custody of the kids and thinking, "I got a three-month suspension for joint custory." Google it.

Newly emancipated or not, Vegas isn't envisioning a huge change in his results. The Las Vegas Hilton has Rory McIlroy listed as the favorite this week at The Barclays at 10/1, with Woods and Phil Mickelson as joint 12/1 picks. The PGA Championship marked the first time since 1997 that Woods was not favored to win a major championship.

Greg Norman and Chris Evert got divorced in Key West, far from media scrutiny. Woods and Elin opted for the other end of the state, in the semi-remote Panhandle. By the time anybody knew they were in court, it was over.
Category: Golf

Since: Apr 21, 2009
Posted on: August 24, 2010 10:31 am

Thoughts on Tiger and bachelorhood

"Probably not the twin-sister tag-team Tiger envisioned."

hahaha dear God that's funny.

Since: Aug 30, 2007
Posted on: August 24, 2010 9:40 am

Thoughts on Tiger and bachelorhood

Nuff said.This has increasingly been the wrap up of every knucklehead moron on this site and has become the signature of the ill informed and small minded. Please make it, and Ellings pantload of venom filled Tiger hate stop. It is dull, uninspiring, obtunded idiosy.

Since: Nov 26, 2007
Posted on: August 24, 2010 9:07 am

Thoughts on Tiger and bachelorhood

"Probably not the twin-sister tag-team Tiger envisioned."

Haha, classic! Woods deserves all the cheap-shots he gets. Earlier in the year he was talking about being a better person, blah blah blah... now he is back to his old self, pouting (not putting, but pouting) and swearing. The man is scum, and deserves to be treated as such. Elling obviously has the same principles as I do, and finds his philandering abhorrent. Bravo.

Since: Aug 16, 2006
Posted on: August 24, 2010 7:48 am

Tiger Woods Says Party At His House Tonight

Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren officially finalized their divorce today, nine months after he wrecked his car in the middle of the night and his serial infidelity was revealed to the world at large.

In a joint statement released by the couple, they said: "We are amicably separating for the good of our children, and are ready to move forward with our lives. This will be a difficult time for the both of us, and we hope that through privacy we will be able to settle into our new roles as joint parents.

"We also want to announce that there will be a party the size and scale of which will blow your freaking brains through your ass, tonight at Tiger's new bachelor pad in Orlando, FL. Elin would like me to give her back control of the keyboard so we can both agree on the rest of this joint statement, but she can suck it...not literally...that will be done by a multitude of random women too young to drink, starting tonight at 11:00 PM. Be there! It's time to celebrate my freedom from the shackles of this golf club wielding mad woman!

"This is Elin. I have had Tiger removed from the lawyer's office by police. I hope whoever attends this party rots in hell. This might be the worst joint separation statement of all time. I'm going back to Sweden to find a nice man who wants to be with a past her prime supermodel with two kids...Oh, and who now has 100 million dollars. Suck on that Tiger."

Woods went on to give more details on the party later in the day through his agent. He says it has been a trying couple of months, trying to play a sport as boring as golf, and not being able to sleep with various floozies a couple times a day. But, he adds that now he can get back to sinking putts and sinking himself into college-age bartenders once more.

To attend tonight's massive party you must meet the following requirements:

  • Be a hot lady
  • Not be from a Northern European country
  • Not talk about Tiger's kids
  • Not talk about golf
  • Not be able to swing a golf club with enough force to break an SUV window
  • No fatties
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Since: Mar 16, 2008
Posted on: August 24, 2010 7:07 am

Thoughts on Tiger and bachelorhood

This article absolutely rants with no direction and most if it makes zero sense. Your thoughts are not very bright.

I am guessing that since you have been bagging on Tiger all this time, and in many cases he deserved it, you have finally come to the conclusion you can't keep ranting about him now unless he loses.

I will give you credit for 1 intelligent statement, NONE of this is Elin's fault. Tiger had a major problem and it destroyed his family.

I could not imagine living with that guilt through the public eye.

As for his golf, I personally went through a divorce and my brain was deep fried during the process. I couldn't concentrate on anything, picked up smoking before the hearings and mediation, I was a train wreck.

I can imagine some of this has had some impact on Tiger and if you look at his game his mental focus isn't there. He doesn't bounce back from a bad shot like he used to. He acts just like a normal player.

He might not fix his game this week or in time for the Ryder Cup, but he will fix it. A guy is expected to have a certain amount of rust and this, in hindsight, will turn out to be nothing more than an extended break for him.

And you might want to go take some writing classes to get your thoughts well organized.

Since: Oct 13, 2007
Posted on: August 24, 2010 6:04 am

Thoughts on Tiger and bachelorhood

Are you aware that of those that played all 16 rounds of the four majors, Tiger's combined score was second? Maybe that shows just how good Tiger is. We all watched it figuring 'he is hacking', yet he finishes second overall scoring wise. Man, how many players on the PGA would love to have a slump like that?

Since: Feb 11, 2009
Posted on: August 24, 2010 4:33 am

Thoughts on Tiger and bachelorhood

Done. Over. Can you get back to writing about golf now Elling?  If these are supposed to be Letterman/Leno style quips, don't quit your day job.

Since: Aug 18, 2008
Posted on: August 24, 2010 2:46 am

Elling Is Only Telling It Like It Is

;     &nbs
p;     &nb
sp; Elling in only telling it like it is. Tigger is now done as a husband and full time father ( IF HE EVER WAS ONE ) just like he is done owning the PGA. What one player on tour is scared of tigger. NOT ONE, NONE, NOTTA He finished 4th at the closed in well guarded Augusta National. From there on what did he do. Lose by how many, was it 31 strokes. Dropped his club and cried that his neck hurt at another tourney. It got so bad he started blaming his caddy for losing. How crazy is that. Once again golf is 90% between the ears and he has a mess in his head that only his father could get straight. He has pulled off some great shots but bringing his father back to life to get him straight is not gonna happen. I know all you that think tigger walks on water and cant get your lips off him hate to read this but guess what. THATS HOW IT IS !

Since: Oct 13, 2007
Posted on: August 24, 2010 2:28 am

Thoughts on Tiger and bachelorhood

Three responses, two of which are directed at SOMEONE? Um... WHO? Smile

Since: Nov 18, 2006
Posted on: August 24, 2010 12:34 am

Thoughts on Tiger and bachelorhood

Is that a joke? Please tell us you are either Elling using an alias or you just logged on for the first time. You can't be serious that much we know.

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