Blog Entry

'He's Just Not That Into You'

Posted on: May 2, 2008 5:09 pm
Edited on: May 2, 2008 6:19 pm
 

I remember hearing that said for the very first time on an episode of Sex and the City.  Carrie was introducing her new boyfriend, Jack Berger, to Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte for the first time.  The girls are discussing their love lives at some bar while Jack listens.  Miranda tells about a recent date where she invited the guy upstairs, but he declined saying he had to be up really early.  He kissed her twice and said he'd call her.  Jack bluntly utters his opinion, "he's just not that into you."  The girls argue with him about push/pull, guys are afraid of rejection too, yadda, yadda, yadda.  Jack reveals the secret to men is that there is no secret.  If they're interested, they say so by going upstairs and booking the next date. 

I'm all for Jack's assessment of a guy's behavior on a date, but what about 10 or however many dates down the road when the guy loses interest?  How about when they end a full blown relationship that's lasted months or maybe even years?  Why is it that one day "he's into you" and the next day, "he's not that into you?"  Now, I've been through my share of breakups, and I'll admit that after the initial shock wore off, I could objectively look back on most of them and see that there were warning signs.  I just didn't want to see them.  I'm sure there are many other women who've been through the same thing.  All of a sudden, he's really busy and preoccupied.  He's moody.  He cancels dates you have planned.  You just think your relationship is on such solid ground it's impossible it could be anything more than what he's saying.  But it is.  So, why, if it's so simple with guys, don't they just come out and say it?  Yes, it's going to hurt the girl, and yes, she may cry, but you're a man aren't you?  So be one. 

I have also been through breakups where after that initial shock wore off, I could objectively say there was no forewarning.  These are the really perplexing guys and situations.  You're going along, talking all the time, getting closer and closer which leads you to believe he really likes you and then boom, nothing.   I've always thought it was because the guy got scared.  He's not ready for anything more serious with her or anyone, and he wakes up one day with the realization he's been getting close to a girl.  Well, that just can't happen.  So, what would be so terrible about telling the girl you like her, but you feel things are getting too serious, and it's not the right time for you?  My, honesty, what a novel thought.  It beats playing the games both genders play.  Hmmmm.....how many days should I wait to call?  How about as many as you want instead of as many as is necessary to throw her or him off.  Why can't everyone just say and do what they want?

It is true that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.  The most notable difference to me is how women like to talk things out, and men can't be bothered.  I'm not criticizing men for that because I envy their ability to let things go.  A lot of the time, women just can't.  We need some sort of explanation for why things happened, some sort of that annoying word, closure.  As we mature, we realize it's just not worth the agita to chase down a reason, but doesn't mean we don't wonder from time to time.  Men letting things go makes them adverse to facing the girl of the moment when they want to end things.  Hey, both sexes know each other to a certain extent, and all a guy can think of is how he doesn't want to deal with a crying chick.   Isn't that why they ease their way out hoping she'll either figure it out herself or break up with him?  I think so.  Why can't we all be reasonable and accept our differences by meeting each other halfway.  Hey, I promise not to freak out if you promise not to be a chicken. 

Category: General
Comments

Since: Dec 1, 2007
Posted on: May 30, 2008 8:37 pm
 

'He's Just Not That Into You'

Huge tangent here YC but just wondering if its a DNC venue?  I worked for them in a different area once but they still shoved 'guest-path' down our throats.  I hated that crap.  Just curious if you have no idea what I'm talking about feel free to ignore the question. lol

Red, I'm pleading ignorance here because I don't know what DNC is, so no, I don't work for them.  This is actually my first foray into the venue end of the food service industry, so I'm probably not as familiar with companies that specialize in it as I would be with ones like Aramark and Compass who do corporate dining and full service restaurants which is much more my background.  That's where I learned the guest first mantra.  I do work for a corporation, and they of course are all for guest service, but they don't shove it down your throat. 

Takman, thanks for the response.  You mention a lot of thought provoking ideas, and I'm going to have to get back to you. 




Since: Sep 20, 2006
Posted on: May 30, 2008 7:22 pm
 

'He's Just Not That Into You'

YC

your perspective on this whole issue is refreshing and i have enjoyed reading through it. i have added you as a favorite and will try to offer a bit of stuff i have come to realize in my many years.

It is true that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.  The most notable difference to me is how women like to talk things out, and men can't be bothered.

i am not sure it as a black and white as the common pop psychology paints it. I am a man in my 40's and i spent 20+ years with a woman who refused to talk about anything. she would yell and scream, but talking was seldom done. i would bring up a subject and it would not be a productive evening. i think that men need to feel respect in a relationship in order to feel comfortable discussing what is really going on inside. i also think that society as a whole, in the media especially, portray men who like to engage in the emotional part of life - which is truly the place where life is lived and enjoyed!! - as weak or homosexual or wimpy or the sidekick to the macho vin diesel type hero. i wish that men as a whole would see the value in both aspects of life and allow the heart to speak of the richness to be found in a loving relationship were discussion of any topic is valued, not endured.

I'm not criticizing men for that because I envy their ability to let things go.  A lot of the time, women just can't.  We need some sort of explanation for why things happened, some sort of that annoying word, closure.

i think the one thing that will always puzzle women, and i am going to take a stab at why, about men is the ability to beat the S*** out of each other during a sporting event or something confrontational, then go for a beer and become best friends. i am not sure it is the ability to let things go as it is not harbouring anger or hostility for a specific event that, once over, really will have no further impact on the rest of our lives. some of my best friends growing up used to fight all the time. once we resolved the dispute, on we went to whatever we were going to do that day. i know way too many women who remember like it was yesterday that girl who gazed longingly at a boy you haven't talked to for decades, but won't EVER forget what she did! i am not saying one is better than the other, as women do feel things deeper than most men, but men, i think also have a better perspective on the value of the resolution of the event and can move on easier. i remember some events like they happened yesterday, but they don't have that overwhelming emotion still attached to it as women can. my ex continued to bring up events that happened 20+ years ago like it happened yesterday and i can feel the anger just below the surface in all of her communications.

Why can't we all be reasonable and accept our differences by meeting each other halfway.  Hey, I promise not to freak out if you promise not to be a chicken.

honesty in relationships can be a very scary thing, as both sexes feel the need to pretend we are something we are not. to hide our true feelings has become an artform in this culture and glorified by emotionless characters in action movies and the like. when a man asks you a simple question like "how are you tonight?" assume that is what is meant by the question and i promise most real men will respond with the same respect.

can't wait to catch up on your readings YC, thanks for taking the time to pen them.




Since: Jun 29, 2007
Posted on: May 30, 2008 6:14 pm
 

'He's Just Not That Into You'

Huge tangent here YC but just wondering if its a DNC venue?  I worked for them in a different area once but they still shoved 'guest-path' down our throats.  I hated that crap.  Just curious if you have no idea what I'm talking about feel free to ignore the question. lol



Since: Dec 1, 2007
Posted on: May 30, 2008 4:16 pm
 

'He's Just Not That Into You'

No, Kodiak, I'm not a licensed therapist, lol.  I'm actually the Food & Merchandise Director for a concert venue.  I've been a manager in the food service business for many years.  Being a manager helps put you in tune with people because you wind up being a parent/counselor to your employees.  Being in the food service business has you dealing with people everyday which usually include some type of conflict.  I also tend to be the one my friends come to for advice, so I guess what I'm trying to say is I get a lot of practice in my everyday life.  I must say, I wouldn't mind earning a living as a therapist.  Only on the side though because I love my current job.  One friend and I have discussed getting me an advice column somehow, but I really don't know how to go about it. 



Since: Sep 22, 2006
Posted on: May 30, 2008 2:46 pm
 

'He's Just Not That Into You'

OK, YC.  Second of your blogs that I have read.  Going to add you (Dont think I want to miss one either), pull up the sofa, and get my treatment. 

Seriously though, are you a licensed therapist?? 




Since: Aug 10, 2007
Posted on: May 10, 2008 5:27 am
 

'He's Just Not That Into You'

Ah , my friend . This could just as easily be applied to women , as I'm sure many guys could attest . Trust me , men do not have the corner on the lack of communication market . . . Do you truly believe that when a woman breaks it off with a man that she always explains herself to his sattisfaction ? Or , at all sometimes ? . . . I have been on the the short end of THAT stick before too . ( 20 plus years ago however ) But even now , my wife and I have been together for almost 20 years , and I am the one who is always willing to talk out a problem . She rarely wants too . Not just with me , but with her family and friends too . She will talk things out , but I have to push the issue . . . She also refuses to ask directions ( where as I will ask on a heartbeat rather than drive around lost like an idiot ) . I finally had to buy her a portable GPS for her car ! . . . And you know what ? She isn't the only woman who's like that . When I met her , she had a boyfriend . She never called or told him anything . Admittedly , he was a dick , but still . I told her she needed to tell him , she said he'll figure it out eventually . He did . One night at a club , he and I had a conversation . Of sorts . He hadn't been able to get her on the phone for a few weeks , and a friend of his finally told him why . . . And don't get me wrong , my wife is a wonderful person , but much like many others , she just wanted to avoid the confrontation and unpleasantness of a breakup . Lots of men AND women are like that .



Since: Sep 7, 2006
Posted on: May 8, 2008 9:48 pm
 

'He's Just Not That Into You'

I always thought a lot of guys in relationships are thinking there's someone better out there especially in the looks department.  So, if he thinks he can get someone better looking, I assume he'd rather be sleeping with her instead of the sure thing. 

That may be true in some instances (again, every relationship is different), but in my experience with past relationships or those of my friends, yes - there is definitely a 'grass is greener' aspect.  What a lot of men are guilty of is trying to have both.  Both the sure thing at home - as well as the new and 'strange' on the side.  I have actually seen it where a guy friend of mine wasn't particularly happy with his current relationship - just sort of going through the motions - and had an affair with someone else just so SHE would break up with HIM.  Kinda retarded, I know, but it worked.

You're I think 1/2 right in your assumption that a guy would rather be sleeping with the more attractive woman than the sure thing...guys want BOTH!  Once a guy is fortunate enough to be in a relationship with regular sex, it is hard to give that up.  Men's egos are fragile, and getting rejected is a hard thing sometimes to bounce back from.

I give you a lot of credit for sitting through SATC with your wife, good for you.

I actually enjoyed the series (on HBO) after the first season...I couldn't stand SJP talking straight to the camera in those early episodes.  My wife and I loved laughing at what some of the outrageous outfits she was wearing in each scene.

 




Since: Dec 1, 2007
Posted on: May 8, 2008 4:51 pm
 

'He's Just Not That Into You'

Ladies, stop getting advice about your man or men in general from other women, and ESPECIALLY from those magazines in the checkout line in you local grocery stores.

Excellent point here, Matt.  About the magazines, if you took 5 of them and read them one after the other, they'd all basically say the same thing which is nothing that's gonna help you in YOUR relationship.  It's just like getting your fortune told or your horoscope.  They speak in generalities.  Since we're all individuals who intereact differently with every other individual, how do generalities work?  Uh, they don't. 

As for female friends, yeah, they're just going to make you more crazy by agreeing with everything you say which is already crazy, and offering advice that's good for women, but not good for the men they're dealing with. 

The reason that guys have an issue with breaking up with their girlfriend even after they lose interest in them is that a lot of guys don't want to give up the 'sure' sex.  Yes, we love the chase of the hunt - just like I'm sure you ladies love to be hunted - but there is definitely something about the sure thing.  That 'sure thing' is what keeps men coming back...and what is hard to give up. 

This actually surprised me.  I always thought a lot of guys in relationships are thinking there's someone better out there especially in the looks department.  So, if he thinks he can get someone better looking, I assume he'd rather be sleeping with her instead of the sure thing. 

By the way, Matt, I give you a lot of credit for sitting through SATC with your wife, good for you. 




Since: Dec 1, 2007
Posted on: May 8, 2008 4:41 pm
 

'He's Just Not That Into You'

But I'll also point out that when men want to vent, women often try to fix things, too.  Maybe so that they can feel part of their men's lives or maybe it's the motherly instinct, but there's no doubt that girlfriends have tried to interject to "fix" my problems when I've been venting.  Ironically, it annoyed me at times (not always...I usually was able to keep in mind that she was trying to help).  I think until now, it never occurred to me that they felt equally annoyed at times when I did the same thing.  How 'bout that?  Really, that's what it's all about, though.  Working to suspend some of our natural instincts (it can actually lead to us being better people because both men and women have tendencies that are not rational) for the purpose of growing closer to someone.  It's never easy, though.Absolutely right, Badger, women are guilty of it too, even me at times, lol.  It is about that motherly instinct.  I think it's all about getting to know someone and finding out what works for them, you and the both of you.  That takes time, so maybe we should all hold back until we figure each other out. 



Since: Dec 1, 2007
Posted on: May 8, 2008 4:35 pm
 

'He's Just Not That Into You'

Which is really what it boils down to.  Most people don't know what they are looking for when they go out and date, they do know what want in the immediate short term but what about 2 weeks from now?  Most folk just hang on and hope for the best.

This is very true, Sunnyside.  When you mature though, you do reach a point where you do know who and what you want though.  Nobody should settle down before this time, in my opinion.  I think the divorce rate is so high because people feel pressure from their families and society to get married.  Well, forget about everyone else, and go with your guy is what I always say. 

All women are crazy, you just need to find the one thats crazy for you.

I love this statement!


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