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Blog Entry

Smoke Signals

Posted on: May 27, 2008 3:38 pm
 

Since my relationship blog items seem to draw the most interest, here's another one for you.  This one is regarding the games people play in relationships and the signals the opposite sex send out.  Both genders are confusing to the point of utter frustration.  Don't you just want to shake the person you're interested in and/or involved with and say, what do you want??????????

Let's start from the beginning.  You see someone you find attractive across the room of a bar or wherever.  You can't tell whether or not you'll be shot down if you approach them, so you don't because rejection is a bitch especially when other people are watching.  The deal is if you want to be approached, you have to act like it.  Now, there are times when a person just doesn't feel like meeting someone because they've had a bad day or something, so don't take it personally.  I myself am very cut and dry.  If you're checking me out and I like what I see, I'm going to smile at you.  If I don't, I'm going to act like you don't exist.  Too cruel?  Maybe, but I'm of the mind you don't lead anyone on and waste their time. 

So, you've made initial contact with the person of interest.  You're making small talk and getting a feel for each other.  All of a sudden, oops, would you look at the time, I gotta go.  Why?  Something unappealing has been said or done.  Everyone's different, so again, don't take it personally.  What you said or did could be your future spouse's favorite thing about you, this person just hated it.  Thing is, if the flirting is abruptly stopped at 10 PM,  there's usually a reason for it, and you shouldn't bother asking for a phone number.  You're just leading yourself down a road of more rejection. 

Let's say you do get a number.  Yeah, if you don't want to appear too eager, you should wait a couple of days before you use it.  Eager = desperate in some people's minds, and desperate = unattractive.  Women and men alike look for confidence in a mate, someone strong and assertive that they don't have to worry about.  Nobody wants someone constantly bringing them down with clinginess.  Ok, back to using the number.  Personally, I can't stand the wait 3 days rule.  If you took my number, you want to call me, so do it, and I'm not going to perceive it as desperation.  I'm going to take it as a compliment.  That's just me though.  Now, if you get voicemail, and your intended doesn't call you back within a week, give it up.  There is a slight possibility the person's phone is messed up, so trying one more time isn't terrible, but no more than that.  Save your dignity.  Again, it's nothing personal.  Your crush just probably realized you weren't for them. 

The first date sucks.  You can't really judge someone on it alone, so if they're not a total loon, give them a second date.  The best thing to do is have a drink before you meet the person to relax yourself.  You obviously don't want to be drunk, but you want to be yourself and alcohol helps that cause, it really does.  You want your date to like you for you.  A first date is best approached like an interview, a gathering of information about each other.  It's also best approached on a friendship level which takes the pressure off.  The more laid back you are, the more comfortable your date's going to be which will bring out their true self.  That's the person you want to see, so you can determine whether or not they're right for you romantically.  Too many times I've seen people pretend to be someone they're not to please a member of the opposite sex.  I've also seen people be dishonest because they thought the person wouldn't like the truthful answer.  Then, you constantly have to remember the lie(s) you told, and it's bound to bite you in the butt.  Why people don't want to be with someone who appreciates them for them is beyond me.  Why put that much stress on yourself? 

So, the first date comes to an end.  You think a goodnight kiss is in order, but it doesn't happen.  Don't think it's because the other person didn't have a good time too.  Everyone expects the guy to make the first move, but maybe the guy isn't sure you want him to.  Nothing wrong with the girl giving the guy a kiss, even if it's on the cheek.  Again, if you're interested, you have to let each other know. 

Where letting each other know is concerned though, there is sharing TOO much information.  After you survive the first date and get into a full blown relationship, it's best for both parties to just go with the flow.  This is especially hard for women because they generally need things defined.  I'm guilty of it too.  Talking about EVERYTHING just complicates things which makes your relationship less enjoyable.  It'll drive someone away because who wants to do something they don't enjoy if they don't have to.  Thing is, if you enjoy being together, that's all you really need to know.  You also should be sensitive to the fact that everyone needs positive reinforcement, I don't care who you are.  You just can't take each other for granted, and you have to throw compliments around from time to time to let the person know you definitely find them attractive, you enjoy being with them, you like the way things are going.  Now, obviously, if you stay together long enough to think about a future, there are certain things you're just going to have to talk about, and guys have to realize this and suck it up. 

 

Category: General
Comments
Badger_colorado
Since: Jan 24, 2007
Posted on: June 4, 2008 12:26 pm
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Since: Feb 19, 2007
Posted on: June 3, 2008 9:35 pm
 

Smoke Signals

As for whether or not it's a date, I know it doesn't matter anymore, but yeah, I wouldn't have assumed that hike was a date.  BUT, that isn't necessarily a bad thing.  There's much less pressure in doing a friendly thing.   You can see if you have a good time with the person without the tension.  If you do, hang out again and again and again.  Before you know it, the romance will be there, and it'll have come a whole lot easier.

Yeah, I guess now that I think about it more, I wasn't seeing it as a date, per se, just as a good chance to get to meet a cute girl I was interested in.  And there would be less pressure than going out for dinner or drinks.  But I was totally going into it seeing her as a prospect.

Anyway, this is all B_C's fault.  All of it!



Since: Dec 1, 2007
Posted on: June 3, 2008 9:22 pm
 

Smoke Signals

You know, I come back to the site after a couple of hours to see that this blog's comments have gone up by 13, so I rush over here to see what's up.  What do I find but 2 dudes talking about how to figure out if a date's a date and if the date's a lesbian, lol.  Just like men to get me excited and then let me down, lol. 

But seriously, I think there's a subtle way to steer a conversation toward finding out what you need to know without embarassing yourself or them and ruining things.  Bring up movies you've recently seen which is usually a safe conversation.  Mention you went to see such and such with your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend.  That opens the door for them to say they went with so and so, and maybe they mention an ex.  You can also bring up a specific actor/actress you like, and just say you think they're really pretty or handsome.  As a woman who's secure with my own femininity, I can acknowledge a woman's beauty, but I'm not going to gush over it like I would about  Benjamin Bratt or Patrick Dempsey.  My point being that you should be able to gauge someone's reaction to the opposite sex.  I don't know if anyone's seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but there's full frontal male nudity which is pretty rare in movies.  This is another non-threatening thing to bring up, and find out how she/he felt about it. 

As for whether or not it's a date, I know it doesn't matter anymore, but yeah, I wouldn't have assumed that hike was a date.  BUT, that isn't necessarily a bad thing.  There's much less pressure in doing a friendly thing.   You can see if you have a good time with the person without the tension.  If you do, hang out again and again and again.  Before you know it, the romance will be there, and it'll have come a whole lot easier. 




Since: Feb 19, 2007
Posted on: June 3, 2008 8:01 pm
 

Smoke Signals

Gotcha.  Well, next time tell her you like her.  If a girl is doing all that stuff, you might as well go for it.  It's not like you're throwing cow's blood on her.  It's not REALLY burning bridges.

Yeah, well, I hope that I've learned from that.  I've only really had one opportunity since then.  And she really did end up being a lesbian.  Incidetially, both went to the same undergrad.


Badger_colorado
Since: Jan 24, 2007
Posted on: June 3, 2008 7:59 pm
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Since: Feb 19, 2007
Posted on: June 3, 2008 7:55 pm
 

Smoke Signals

Wait...did you have sex?  Or just a movie?  I guess if you had sex, you know if you were on a date.

Yeah, no sex.

Also, this might get back to that point that Yankeechick made.  The one about being honest and telling people what you feel.  If she's a newbie friend, at least you don't have to worry about messing up a friendship.

But, at the same time, I was in school with her, we had gone on a trip together to Mexico through school like a month after we started hanging out, etc., so, I couldn't really burn any bridges too early into the situation.  Since, you know, when you're in a school with 180 people.  Including stupid Ph.D. students who went to Georgetown. . .



Since: Feb 19, 2007
Posted on: June 3, 2008 7:53 pm
 

Smoke Signals

Oh, gosh, it was about two summers ago.  And it was a weird hybrid of things friends do with things that people dating do.  Like going out to dinner together.  Or going to protest an execution at the state prison together.  Anyway, it ended one night when she was over at my place, we were getting wasted, and she told me that a guy had asked her out and she was going out to see him.

She's now engaged to him.  And, to make things worse?  He went to Georgetown.

Georgetown sucks.


Badger_colorado
Since: Jan 24, 2007
Posted on: June 3, 2008 7:52 pm
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Badger_colorado
Since: Jan 24, 2007
Posted on: June 3, 2008 7:47 pm
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Since: Feb 19, 2007
Posted on: June 3, 2008 7:42 pm
 

Smoke Signals

I wouldn't assume that was a date.  She might just like hiking.  Did you do anything after the hike?  Like a movie?  Or sex?  Those might be better indicators.

Not that day, but later, yes.


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