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Bogus Sports News

Posted on: December 21, 2008 1:01 am

SEC to File Charges Against Mark Cuban

Dallas, Texas - In an apparent move to force the Dallas Mavericks to draft more players from the SEC to the NBA, charges have been formally filed against Dallas Mavs owner Mark Cuban.  Said Cuban, "I didn't know a college conference had legal rights to sue because an NBA team doesn't draft enough players from each given college conference."

Cuban plans to file appeals with the NBA League Office (which hates him), in federal district court, and with Barrack Obama (just in case, cuz he really likes basketball).

After the charges were explained to Cuban, his only response was, "Oh, THAT SEC.  Never mind."  He has since dropped his appeals and has gone into hiding.

A representative of the Securities Exchange Commission said they may have to drop the insider trading charges since Devin Harris just kicked Jason Kidd's butt in a Mavs loss to the Nets.  A quote from the anonymous spokesman, "It is obvious that Mark Cuban did not profit from this trade."


Since: Dec 7, 2006
Posted on: December 28, 2008 10:09 pm

Bogus Sports News

From my fav bogus sports news site comes this report!    Phillies extend Hamels with an 28-year, $937 million contract   PHILADELPHIA, PA - Following a dominant National League Championship Series in which the lefthander won the MVP award, Cole Hamels has been given a contract extension by the Philadelphia Phillies for 28 years and $937 million.   "We realized that this is a guy who has to be a part of our team for a long, long time," said Phillies GM Pat Gillick. "Normally, we don’t like to give more than a three-year contract to any pitcher, but we just looked at each other and said, ‘We’ve got to have this guy at least until he’s 53.' "   The deal, which is for an average of $33.46 million, has a team option to give Hamels another $700 million for seven more years, which will take Hamels into his 60s.   "I think it’s a pretty good deal for me," Hamels said. "I didn’t like to be locked up for that long, and I probably left some money on the table. But I always said I want to start and finish my career with one team."   That, however, presents a problem; even if the Phillies pick up his option, they’ll only have Hamels until he’s 60. Hamels has previously stated that he’d like to pitch into his 80s; most around baseball believe he’ll probably pitch until he’s 113 or 114.   "I think that the Phillies are going to end up paying up for Cole if they want to have him till the end of his career," said Peter Gammons, of ESPN. "I mean, they’ve locked him up for the first half of his career, and if they pick up his option, he’ll be a steal at only $1.637 billion. But then they’ve got a huge problem. Do you just let him go to another team and pitch the second half of his career for them? I mean, how do you let a pitcher who will have (at that time) 700 wins and 24 Cy Young Awards just walk away? Can you do that?"   Hamels said he’s not really too concerned about the future, and is much more focused on the matter at hand.   "Right now, we have to go out and win the World Series, which I plan on doing next week," Hamels said. "You can’t worry about what’s going to happen when you’re 60 years old, or when you’re 113, and your career is winding down. I’m worried about the next win. I’m not worried about when I’m going to get my 10,000th strikeout. I’m just going to go out and keep doing my job. I’m not going to freak out about when I am going to get my 1,000th win. If I just keep focused and keep moving forward, I’ll get it soon enough. Probably in August of 2014, actually. But like I said, let’s not obsess about that."

Since: Dec 7, 2006
Posted on: December 21, 2008 2:07 am

Bogus Sports News

Ben Franklin proposed that Continental Congress fantasy league uses yards as well as TDs in scoring system

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Ben Franklin has long been remembered for his efforts in the War for Independence and for his many inventions improving quality of life in colonial America. Now, however, many sports fans will remember him for something else entirely--his revolution of fantasy football.

Recently unearthed documents from the First Continental Congress indicate strongly that the man responsible for the radical changes was in fact Franklin.

"My fellow delegates, the time has come whereupon we must make revolution on two fronts--against the tyranny of George III and the stifling boredom of the current fantasy football scoring system," a document signed by Franklin read.

Before Franklin’s time, fantasy football(at the time played on pen and paper)’s scoring system revolved mainly around time of possession and injuries inflicted during the course of play. Franklin, however, after weeks of effort, devised a system to allot points incurred by individual players to fantasy teams.

"My system will be one of beautiful simplicity," a transcript of the Congress read. "If in real life a player scores a touchdown or gains mad yardage, points will be allotted to his fantasy owner. Injuries are all well and good, but it is time that the fantastical mirrored the realistic."

It appears that Franklin’s proposal was met with widespread enthusiasm among the Congress who voted to adopt Franklin’s changes 50-6.

This revelation marks a watershed moment for historians, who had long struggled to learn just who had been responsible for devising the modern scoring system.

"This is amazing, I never thought I’d live to see this day," said an ecstatic Steve McFoote, prominent football historian. "One of the great mysteries of our time has finally been put to bed."

The discovery is also sure to rile up actual historians who will now be forced to wonder why the governing body of our nation during the Revolutionary War was playing fantasy football instead of running the country, a tradition currently being carried on by our current government.

"It appears to me that our nation’s leaders had the resources to end the war a few years before Yorktown but were too busy playing fantasy football and fantasy basket-weaving," snapped an irritated David McCullough, author of John Adams. "Disgraceful. I had always carried this image in my head of the Founding Fathers being extraordinary men in an extraordinary time. Now I find they have more in common with my neighbors than they do with Caesar."


Since: Dec 7, 2006
Posted on: December 21, 2008 1:25 am

Bogus Sports News

After studying rule book for entire second half, McNabb an expert on “free kicks”

BALTIMORE, MD - Yesterday was not the best day of Donovan McNabb’s career, as he was benched for the second half of the Eagles’ 36-7 thrashing at the hands of the Baltimore Ravens.

"Coach came up to me, and he handed me the rule book, and he said, ‘Why don’t you spend the second half reading this?’" McNabb told SeriousSportsNewsNetwork. "So I did. That’s actually what I had underneath that giant parka, was the NFL rule book. That thing is heavy, yo!"

McNabb, who last week admitted that he did not know NFL games could end in ties when the Eagles and Bengals played to a 13-13 deadlock, said that yesterday he was determined to learn whatever he could about the game while Kevin Kolb took the field.

"I’m a team player, and I really wanted to demonstrate that, ‘Hey, you can bench me, but I’m still going to try and make my time productive.’ "

McNabb said it paid off almost immmediately, when the Eagles were getting ready to leave for home.

"After the game, we all took showers and did some interviews, and then we’re in the locker room, waiting for the bus, and we’re watching the Giants-Cardinals game, and all of a sudden, Neil Rackers is lining up for what’s called a free kick. All these dudes on the team -including one Mr. Kevin Kolb, I might add - were like, ‘What’s that? What the hot place is going on?’ So I stepped in and explained the rule."

McNabb’s knowledge of the rule makes him one of seven Americans who knew the rule, including the referee from the Cardinals-Giants game, and the Pulaski brothers of southwest Chicago, who were actually in attendance when the Bears last successfully executed a free kick, in 1968.

"A free kick is just one of the brilliant nuances of the NFL game," McNabb said. "It’s a wonderful and strange beast, NFL football. I would be honored to get to play it again."

Since: Dec 7, 2006
Posted on: December 21, 2008 1:21 am

Bogus Sports News

BCS chief: We’ll try and have a national champ in place by April at the latest

NEW YORK, NY - In a hastily-called press conference, BCS officials made clear today that the public should prepare to wait awhile to know who is the 2008 National Champion.

"There is a very, very good chance that we will not know who is the national champion for some time," said John Swofford, the BCS Coordinator. "Basically, if Alabama doesn’t run the table, then all heck will break loose."

The BCS has been under fire since its inception, and this year has faced increased attention after president-elect Barack Obama declared that all serious college football fans advocate a playoff. Several teams have only one loss this year, and there’s a good chance that a handful of teams will end the season with similar records against similar competition.

"I think people are misunderstanding the role of the BCS," Swofford said. "Is the role of the BCS to choose a national champion? No. Is the purpose of the BCS to create a sitaution in which the best two teams in the country are playing each other in the last game? No. Is the obligation of the BCS to provide and enjoyable and controversy-free bowl season? Again, no. So I don’t really see what the big deal is."

When informed by SeriousSportsNewsNetwork that indeed the role of the BCS is to do all three of those items, Swofford appeared taken-aback, and then responded, "Wait, crap, really? Then we’ve got a problem."

"I mean, there’s probably five teams that have a legitimate claim to be in that championship game," Swofford said. "Look at Texas; didn’t they beat Oklahoma straight up this year? And now Oklahoma may get in ahead of them? Isn’t there some team somewhere in the western part of the country that’s even undefeated? Holy heck, can you imagine what will happen if Florida wins this weekend against Alabama? I don’t even want to think about that."

Swofford said that the BCS is committed to getting the public a national champion, no matter what.

"We have 30 reviewers in place to watch and rewatch the game to see who really won," Swofford said. "Can I guarantee we will have a champion on January 4th? Absolutely not. But, by the time the champion is certified on May 10th, we will have a champion - even if we have to have the Supreme Court pick one."

Swofford said he’s also considering two other plans to determine the national champion, including letting Barack Obama just decide, and having Nick Saban and Bob Stoops thumb-wrestle.

"I bet Stoops would actually probably like that," Swofford said. "I bet he’d like that a lot."

Since: Dec 7, 2006
Posted on: December 21, 2008 1:15 am

Bogus Sports News

Man in danger of losing family after 23rd straight fantasy loss

CHICAGO, IL - David Morton is reeling today after losing his 23rd consecutive fantasy footbal contest, and his difficulties on the virtual gridiron are starting to take over his real-life.

"Yeah, the wife gave me an ultimatum," Morton told SSNN. "It’s win-or-go-home for me this week. Or, rather, win-or-no-home, I should say."

That is because Morton’s wife of three years, Michelle, has threatened to leave him if he does not defeat Tha Bully Pulpit in this week’s final game of the season. Michelle Morton defended her decision in a tearful SeriousSportsNewsNetwork interview.

"I love David," she said. "I really do. But I cannot take this losing anymore. When he ended last year on a 10-game losing streak, I figured, ‘It’s fantasy football, stuff happens.’ But if he goes 0-for-14 this year, what the hot place am I suppposed to think?"

David Morton has had plenty of time to think about this.

"I was let go from my job after week 10," Morton said. "At ProTech, since it’s a work fantasy football league, there’s a clause in it that states that if you lose twenty games in a row, they can fire you without any severance or anything. So, you know, with the economy all bad, I think they just seized the opportunity."

David’s bigger concern is his wife maybe leaving him. While he thinks that she is perhaps overreacting, many of her friends fully agree with her approach, and are even putting some pressure on Michelle to leave David.

"Check it out, I play fantasy football," said Donna Beyer, one of Michelle’s best friends. "I’m 8-5 this year. Half of the game is luck, anyway; if I let my dog pick my lineup each week I’m probably 4-9."

While David Morton agreed, he was quick to point out that he did draft Tom Brady in the first round, and that he still would have beaten four of the nine teams in the league this past weekend. Even with the excuses, Beyer was not buying it.

"Look, David’s a great guy, and I wish him the best," Beyer said. "He’s very nice to Michelle, and he stayed in shape after college, which is admirable. But saying that you would have beaten ‘Four out of nine’ teams this week? ‘Four out of nine?!’ Yeah, that’s the guy I want my friend to be married to."

Since: Dec 7, 2006
Posted on: December 21, 2008 1:11 am

Bogus Sports News

Vick’s prison coach eagerly awaits arrival of other NFL players

LEAVENWORTH, KS - Happy with the recent acquisition of Atlanta Falcons star Michael Vick, Harvey Hill, head coach of Vick’s prison team the Leavenworth Stars, has expressed great optimism with the prospect of more NFL players joining the roster before the new season begins in September.

"It’d be great to have a strong receiver or two for Vick to throw to," Hill told SSNN. "Chris Henry would be nice; I’ve got a feeling he’ll be available soon."

Alvin Thomason, the team’s GM, says the prison system waiver wire has recently been more laden with NFL talent than ever before.

"It used to be you had to wait years and cross you fingers that you could get a Michael Irvin or Lawrence Taylor - and sometimes your hopes would be dashed by their getting off with community service or very brief sentences," Thomason recalled. "But we hope that Vick represents a new trend: real felons with NFL talent who can make a long-term commitment to our squad."

Thomason thinks that Vick’s dedication to the Stars may encourage similar behavior from younger players in a similar mold. "We hear that there are some kids now who are considering coming out of college early and going straight to prison. That’s encouraging."

Of course, this new trend is not without its critics. Some insist that young players should be encouraged to finish their college years and get their degree before moving on to play for a prison, giving them something to fall back on in case their criminal careers don’t pan out. Others have gone so far as to suggest putting a rule in place to ensure that student-athletes must obtain a degree before becoming eligible for prison football.

Thomason’s reply is that today’s young athlete is mature enough to pursue a life of lawless behavior right out of high school.

"These kids mature quickly," he told SSNN. "These are not your grandmother’s convicts."

For the time being, however, Vick’s team must make do with what’s available: convicted felons, mostly from walks of life other than the NFL. While Vick’s coach would like to have a few offensive players to augment this year’s team, he feels the main area of need is on defense.

"It’d be great to have a Pacman Jones or Tank Johnson to round out the D," Coach Hill admitted. "But it may be weeks, maybe months before those guys are incarcerated."

Since: Dec 7, 2006
Posted on: December 21, 2008 1:08 am

Bogus Sports News

Colt McCoy worried Palin has "gone rogue" on Heisman campaign

AUSTIN, TX — Texas Lonhorns quarterback Colt McCoy is expressing concern today that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has become a hindrance to his trophy (Heisman Trophy) campaign.

"We think she’s going rogue," McCoy said. "She’s increasingly off-message, and there is reason to believe that it is intentional. We think she is trying to set herself up for a future run at the Heisman."

McCoy hired Palin recently to help his ailing Heisman campaign when Oklahoma’s Sam Bradford and Florida’s Tim Tebow began to steal national attention.

"We saw how popular she was, especially in the Southeast," McCoy said. "So we brought her out here to see if she could ratchet up the support for the campaign a bit. So far, no such luck."

Palin has been drawing large crowds on behalf of McCoy, but a series of blunders and missteps have cost the campaign dearly. For example, Palin recently was unable to name last year’s Heisman Trophy winner (Tim Tebow) and was also very unclear about the role of a quarterback on a football team. She mistakenly stated that the quarterback was in charge of recruiting and fundraising.

Recently, McCoy was concerned with Palin’s seeming obsession toward linking Tebow with unrepentant dometic terrorist William Ayres.
"Tim Tebow is an academic All-American at a university," stated Palin at a recent rally. "You know who else works at a University? William Ayres! Enough said. You will never see Colt McCoy at a university, ever."

"It’s problematic," McCoy said. "The public loves her, so we can’t get rid of her. But the public also realizes she has no business being involved in something so serious as a Heisman Trophy campaign. Bottom line, I should’ve checked her references a bit more."

For his part, Tebow is supportive of the role Palin has taken.

"She’s been great," Tebow said. "The Palin-effect is worth like two touchdowns per interview. If she goes on Larry King, it’ll be like I ran for 8,000 yards this year. Pretty awesome."

Since: Dec 7, 2006
Posted on: December 21, 2008 1:06 am

Bogus Sports News

Allen Iverson’s music tastes causing problems in Pistons locker room

DETROIT, MI - Allen Iverson was brought to Detroit to lead the Pistons back to the NBA Finals.

However, in the early going, he’s leading the team into quite a bit of conflict over the music he plays in the locker room.

"I guess Detroit is sort of a hip-hop team," Iverson said. "A lot of the dudes are really into rap and stuff like that. Which is weird, to me. I’m really into folk music. I mean, Eminem is good and all, but I’ve yet to meet a real man who can listen to ‘Blowin’ in the Wind’ without his eyes glistening a bit. So let’s just say there has been some tension about my music, and leave it at that."

Iverson has a proclivity for playing his music in an extremely loud fashion, and he is imbued with the pretentiousness and moral superiority that often manifests within folk music aficionados.

"Allen comes over to me the other day with some headphones, and he’s like, ‘Listen to this, listen to this,’ " said Tayshaun Prince. "So he shoves his headphones in my face, and I put them in my ears, and it’s freaking Peter Paul and Mary singing ‘Puff the Magic Dragon.’ So I listen to it for like twenty seconds, and then I go to give the headphones back to Allen, and he’s like, ‘No, no, listen more, listen more. Listen to the words! There’s double meaning!’ Are you kidding me? I mean, I know Allen had a year at Georgetown, but I think I can understand the nature of Puff the Magic Dragon."

Iverson was extremely defensive when asked about the song.

"A lot of people have mistaken ideas about that song," Iverson said. "It’s about the circle of life, bro, about the way that one day you wake up and the world is different than it was before. You can’t stay young forever, no matter how hard you try."

According to Rasheed Wallace, the Pistons issues are nothing against Iverson in particular, but more about the music. "I’m just more of a T-Pain guy," Wallace said. "Maybe a little Rihanna here and there. That’s all."

"T-Pain? T-Pain?" Iverson screamed. "Have you ever heard of a certain lady named Joan Collins?"

Iverson said he’s trying to make it work, but that the last straw came when someone turned off his music while his favorite song, "This Land is Your Land," was playing.

"You’re going to turn off my music when the all time classic folk song of all time is playing?" Iverson said. "These guys have no appreciation for Woody Guthrie. And it makes me sick."

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or