Category:NFL
Posted on: November 5, 2011 9:34 pm
Edited on: November 6, 2011 9:45 am
 

D.P. Week 8 NFL Flop 10 Poll

(Results independently verified by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheetam, and Howe)

The comebacks continue in the NFL.  This week saw yet another 20+ point halftime lead evaporate, and as typical, the collapse was provided by one of our permanent residents here in the D.P. Flop 10 (although not Minnesota).  Also, another odd fact about this year's NFL, NINETEEN teams are sporting winning records.  With 19 teams above .500, that means only 13 are below .500.  And that, the D.P. admits, makes voting easier than usual.  Those were the only 13 teams that garnered any votes, and even one of those very few and will likely disappear with a victory this week.  That team?  Longtime resident, the dream team of the Philadelphia Eagles.  It appears they may have awoken from the nightmare.  So here, without further adieu, are the D.P.'s worst of the worst in the NFL through 8 weeks.  Oh, and it's actually 11 teams this week as we had a tie for 10th.  Also, the Eagles were the only team to say goodbye, while welcoming in both the Cowboys and Browns at that tied 10th spot.  And after this week's games, the D.P. will unveil their official NFL playoff predictions.

*The Flop 10 is voted on by 65 D.P. writers, two from each NFL city plus one from Los Angeles, just because it's L.A.  Teams get 10 points for a first place vote down to 1 for a 10th.  And the team in first is the biggest Flop (first place votes in parenthesis, just like this text).

Also receiving votes: Philadelphia Eagles 8 (Bobby Duffy of the Dallas Ewing Journal opines, "Suddenly the best of the NFC East not named the New York Giants, which speaks to how bad the Cowboys and Redskins are."), Washington Redskins 37 (Terry Baldinger of the Phoenix Ashes-to-Ashes notes, "If Donovan McNabb truly feels he should still be a starter in the NFL, he should have made sure not to get himself run out of D.C.")

Number 10(tie) Dallas Cowboys (3-4) 60 Teresa Frey of the Allegheny Blue Collar points out, "How 'bout them Cowboys?  When will Jerry Jones realize that a puppet at the head coaching post will not work?  His only success came with the likes of Jimmy Johnson and Bill Parcells."

Number 10(tie) Cleveland Browns (3-4) 60 Carl Worthless of the Cleveland Rockin' Roller writes, "Everytime it seems the Browns are about to turn the corner, they make a u-turn instead.  Is it possible for a Madden Curse to affect a whole team?"

Number 9 Minnesota Vikings (2-6) 142 Jerry Freidman of the Milwaukee Daily Brat surmises, "The Vikings only wins this year have come against 2 win Carolina and 1 win Arizona.  This would usually earn you a spot much higher on the ballot, but the bad teams in the NFL this year are just SO horrible."

Number 8 Carolina Panthers (2-6) 156 Nicholas Formation of the Rajun Cajun Gazette states, "Cam Newton has been able to mask that this defense just isn't that good.  They have to put W's together, or they'll find themselves moving up a chart they don't want to move up on.  Olindo Mare didn't help matters this week, either."

Number 7 Seattle Seahawks (2-5) 218 Catherine McCovey of the Seattle Coffeetable wonders, "If Tarvaris Jackson gives himself an 'F' for his play so far this season, exactly what grade does Charlie Whitehurst earn?"

Number 6 Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6) 324 Ima Jerk of the Oakland (Ca) Blackhole reports, "One thing that has been consistent for the Jaguars all year long, even in their stunning victory over the Ravens last week, is that Blaine Gabbert and the offense look lost.  They average the fewest points scored per game in the league.  It's hard to win that way."

Number 5 Denver Broncos (2-5) 372 Wilma Burlington of the San Diego Onion ponders, "So, when will fans start booing Tim Tebow and clamoring for Brady Quinn to take over the team.  Unfortunately 'We want Brady' just isn't the same when you're not asking for Tom."

Number 4 St. Louis Rams (1-6) 456 Bull Lee of the New Orleans Times-Piconyou pushes the notion, "The pitiful Rams exposed the even more pitiful New Orleans Saints' offensive line.  Chris Long looked like father Howie had thrown his jersey on."

Number 3 Arizona Cardinals (1-6) 507 Michael Harness of the New Jersey Shores News-to-me says, "For one half, the Ravens offense made the Cardinals defense look like the Ravens defense.  For the other half, the Cardinals defense made the Ravens offense look like the Packers offense."

Number 2 Miami Dolphins (0-7) 592 (7) Amanda Passenkick of the Miami Beach Spotlight tells us, "Miami is the hardest playing 0-7 team, and not just because they are the only one.  Still, they have to figure out how to stop snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.  Unfortunately it's the sign of a team that hasn't learned how to win, yet."

Number 1 Indianapolis Colts (0-8) 643 (58) Hugh Nevins of the Indianapolis Reaction laments, "After playing the Steelers and the Buccaneers tough, Curtis Painter now goes out week after week and produces a Suck For Luck masterpiece,  It's obvious this defense can't play without a lead, and they won't be getting very many of those this year."

D.P. Archives:
11/3/11 NBA Owners Hire Patrick Ewing For P.R. In Lockout
11/1/11 Todd Haley Invited To Remedial Math Class
10/26/11 D.P. NFL Week 7 Flop 10 Poll
10/23/11 D.P. NFL Week 6 Flop 10 Poll
10/22/11 D.P. NFL Week 5 Flop 10 Poll (belated)
10/20/11 D.P. Announces End Of Production Strike
10/6/11 Predictions of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
10/4/11 D.P. NFL Week 4 Flop 10 Poll
10/01/11 The 2011 MLB Disassociated Team of the Year Award
9/27/11 D.P. Week 3 NFL Flop 10 Poll
9/27/11 "@JoeyCora, you're fired! #pinkslip"
9/26/11 Gopher Engineering Students To Fix Things Again


Posted on: November 1, 2011 5:41 pm
Edited on: November 6, 2011 9:30 am
 

Todd Haley Invited To Remedial Math Class

D.P. Wire Report 11/1/11 11:37a.m.

Lost in the elation over the Kansas City Chiefs dramatic overtime victory against the San Diego Chargers and the Philip Rivers "Fumble Heard Round The World," was Todd Haley's questionable time management skills at the end of the game that had everything gone to Chief plan (other than getting a miracle turnover) would have left his team in more of a bind to drive for the tying field goal.  According to lifelong Chiefs fan and Lee's Summit Lincoln Middleschool Remedial Math teacher Ed Zibikowski, Haley should have known better.  "It really is the most basic of math skills, and I was yelling at the television last night as to what he was doing,"stated Zibikowski.  He then made the class project for the day to put together timelines for the Chargers final drive had the Chiefs executed a three and out and the Chargers kicked a successful field goal, which is the outcome in 84.39% of these situations (courtesy of the ELieAs Sports Bureau).  13 out of 15 students saw what Haley failed to realize.  His blunder nearly cost his team 15 seconds of precious time that would have put him on the wrong side of 1 minute left.  Based on his class' outstanding performance, Zibikowski invited Haley and the Chiefs coaching staff to come see the timelines and and learn from their potentially costly mistake.  Lincoln Middleschool spokesperson Heather Roundtree said they have yet to hear a response from Haley or the Chiefs, one way or the other.  "When you look at it, you really wonder what was going through the coaching staff's minds," said student Reid Easterling, who Zibikowski judged to have submitted the best timeline.  Here is that timeline below.  The situation was the Chargers had a 1st and 10 from the Chiefs 25 with 2:39 left in the half and the Chiefs with two timeouts:

                                 What the Chiefs Did                        What the Chiefs Should Have Done
Prior to 1st down:   Let clock reach 2 minute warning    Call timeout with about 2:39 remaining
1st down play:         Executed from 2:00 to 1:53            Executed from 2:39 to 2:32
Prior to 2nd down:    Call timeout with 1:53                    Call timeout with 2:32
2nd down play:        Executed from 1:53 to 1:45            Executed from 2:32 to 2:24
Prior to 3rd down:    Call timeout with 1:45                    Playclock runs to 2:00 where it stops
3rd down:               Executed from 1:45 to 1:38            Executed from 2:00 to 1:53
Prior to 4th down:    Clock runs from 1:38 to 0:58          Clock runs from 1:53 to 1:13
                                 Chargers call timeout                        Chargers call timeout
4th down:               FG good, clock from 0:58 to 0:53    FG good, clock from 1:13 to 1:08

It is clear to see that in the example on the right, the Chargers are running their THIRD down play at the same time in the game they are running their FIRST down play in what actually transpired.  That's two plays worth of potential offense that were going to be thrown away had things gone statistically correct, rather than the Chiefs giving up a costly first down followed by the offensive gaffe of the decade.  It's a coaching mistake that happens all too often in the NFL, where teams somehow fail to account for the extra timeout that's been provided in each half for many years.  "Hue Jackson is welcome to take my class, too," jokes Zibikowski.  "I'll just make sure the plan on the left is presented as the correct one."

D.P. Archives:
10/26/11 D.P. NFL Week 7 Flop 10 Poll
10/23/11 D.P. NFL Week 6 Flop 10 Poll
10/22/11 D.P. NFL Week 5 Flop 10 Poll (belated)
10/20/11 D.P. Announces End Of Production Strike
10/6/11 Predictions of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
10/4/11 D.P. NFL Week 4 Flop 10 Poll
10/01/11 The 2011 MLB Disassociated Team of the Year Award
9/27/11 D.P. Week 3 NFL Flop 10 Poll
9/27/11 "@JoeyCora, you're fired! #pinkslip"
9/26/11 Gopher Engineering Students To Fix Things Again

Posted on: October 26, 2011 12:57 am
Edited on: November 6, 2011 9:27 am
 

D.P. NFL Week 7 Flop 10 Poll

(Results independently verified by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheetam, and Howe)

After an interesting week 7 that saw yet more teams come back from 10+ halftime deficits, you also had such high flying shootouts as the Cleveland Browns versus the Seattle Seahawks and the Monday Night debacle that could only be classified as football because of the punters, Josh Scobee, and Maurice Jones-Drew putting it around after his 20 drops.  How miserable was it?  Just three of Scobee's kicks outdistanced the ENTIRE Ravens offense.  Making it hard this week is the fact that only 15 teams in the NFL have a record of 3-3 or worse.  That means 17 teams possess winning records at the moment.  Anyway, this week we finally bid adieu to former permanent resident the Kansas City Chiefs, and last week's newcomer Cleveland.  They make way to welcome back familiar faces, the Philadelphia Eagles, and the Seattle Seahawks.  And now, the Disassociated Press proudly presents, the week 7 NFL's Flop 10.

*The Flop 10 is voted on by 65 D.P. writers, two from each NFL city plus one from Los Angeles, just because it's L.A.  Teams get 10 points for a first place vote down to 1 for a 10th.  And the team in first is the biggest Flop (first place votes in parenthesis, just like this text).

Also receiving votes: Tennessee Titans 3 (Matthew Newsome of the Nashville Distiller laments, "It's bad enough that Chris Johnson has that huge new contract holding him back, but one of this team's bright spots so far this season, their defense, was suddenly eclipsed."), Kansas City Chiefs 7 (Pyle O'Pooh of the Fulton County Fullofit notes, "It's both disheartening and encouraging at the same time that the defense scored as many points as the offense.  The reason rumors were swirling of Carson Palmer getting the nod for the Raiders despite not playing in a year was not because they wanted to see what they got for two high draft picks, but because they knew what they didn't have in Kyle Boller."), Washington Redskins 15 (Thadeus Party of the D.C. Republicrat wonders, "If the answers are John Beck and Rex Grossman, do you really want to know the question?"), Cleveland Browns 56 (Leslie Bianchi of the Sacramento Wasp points out, "Each team in this contest scored a point for about every 7 minutes of ball possession, with the Browns holding just over a 2 to 1 edge.  The Saints scored a point for about every minute on the game clock ... by themselves.")

Number 10 - Philadelphia Eagles (2-4) 72 Pierre LaRoche of the Toronto Maple Syrup informs us, "You almost feel bad for the Eagles.  I mean, they didn't lose.  But then again, teams 'above' them not only not lost, but won."

Number 9 - Carolina Panthers (2-5) 102 Bull Lee of the New Orleans Times-Piconyou states, "Managed to stay off a lot of ballots early by losing close and exciting.  Will leave more ballots if they put together back-to-back wins."

Number 8 - Denver Broncos (2-4) 205 Arthur Pendragon of the San Diego Round Table says, "John Fox needs to get over the fact that he inherited Tim Tebow and find out just what he has.  Lost in Tebow's horrid performance for the first 55 minutes, was the nearly equally horrid playcalling that had the kid handcuffed worse than a capital murderer.  If Tebow is going to be damned, he needs to be damned for what he is, not what the coaching staff is forcing him to not be."

Number 7 - Jacksonville Jaguars (2-5) 249 Erin Livingston of the Houston Chronically Misinformed says, "Nothing says inept quite like the fact that I had as many first downs as the Ravens offense in the first half.  Jacksonville rode this and overcame M.J.D.'s fumbleitis to a stunning win against what many thought was a top 5 team."

Number 6 - Seattle Seahawks (2-4) 271 Catherine McCovey of the Seattle Coffeetable writes, "Last week I pointed out the winner of the Browns versus Seahawks game would be 3-3 and likely out of the Flop 10.  Well, in a game where neither team played like a winner, they both remained on my ballot."

Number 5 - Minnesota Vikings (1-6) 402 Albert Letterman of the Minneapolis Metro-Gnome proclaims, "Stop me if you've heard this one before.  So the Vikings walk into a locker room with a halftime lead ..."

Number 4 - Arizona Cardinals (1-5) 433 Emily Hirschbeck of the Philadelphia Perspirer opines, "Just imagine how much worse the Eagles would be if they hadn't jettisoned Kevin Kolb."

Number 3 - Miami Dolphins (0-6) 535 (5) Bill Crosby of the Windy City Gale-ery professes, "On a team full of celebrity minority owners, it figures the season would play out like a soap opera.  Now Tony Sparano is left twisting and turning worse than he did during owner Stephen Ross' ill-conceived effort to get Jim Harbaugh.  It's now likely a matter of time before they cut ties."

Number 2 - St. Louis Rams (0-6) 592 (15) Robert Moss of the Archway Journal pens, "Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, as Josh McDaniels proudly presents, 'The Lamest Show On Turf.'  Yes, witness an offense so offensive, that a 10 point performance earns a spot right in between the bearded lady and the one-eyed man."

Number 1 - Indianapolis Colts (0-7) 633 (45) Doc Tor-Jones of the Indy Snakeoil Gazette chimes in, "The only thing missing from the Colts performance Sunday night, other than their entire defense ... and offense, was Dan Orlovsky running out of the back of the endzone."

D.P. Archives:
10/23/11 D.P. NFL Week 6 Flop 10 Poll
10/22/11 D.P. NFL Week 5 Flop 10 Poll (belated)
10/20/11 D.P. Announces End Of Production Strike
10/6/11 Predictions of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
10/4/11 D.P. NFL Week 4 Flop 10 Poll
10/01/11 The 2011 MLB Disassociated Team of the Year Award
9/27/11 D.P. Week 3 NFL Flop 10 Poll
9/27/11 "@JoeyCora, you're fired! #pinkslip"
9/26/11 Gopher Engineering Students To Fix Things Again


Posted on: October 23, 2011 11:59 am
Edited on: November 6, 2011 9:24 am
 

D.P. NFL Week 6 Flop 10 Poll

(Results independently verified by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheetam, and Howe)

With the Week 7 kickoffs rapidly approaching, the D.P. is proud to unveil the results of its Week 6 Flop 10 Poll as we work vigorously to catch up from lost time due to our production strike.  The Week 6 Poll does feature two new teams, which means we say goodbye to twice victors the Seattle Seahawks and the Philadelphia Eagles.  However, losses in the upcoming weeks could easily see them back inside.  As we say goodbye to two long standing members of the NFL's not-so-elite, we bid welcome to newcomers the Carolina Panthers and the Cleveland Browns.  The Panthers losing close games finally caught up with them as voters could no longer ignore their 1-5 record.  So here it is, the best of the NFL's worst after week 6.

*The Flop 10 is voted on by 65 D.P. writers, two from each NFL city plus one from Los Angeles, just because it's L.A.  Teams get 10 points for a first place vote down to 1 for a 10th.  And the team in first is the biggest Flop (first place votes in parenthesis, just like this text).

Also receiving votes: Dallas Cowboys 6 (Keith Montgomery of the Ft. Worth Bigger Ledger points out, "Jerry Jones is a mess.  First, he gets on Jason Garrett for not being conservative enough against the Lions.  Now he says Garrett was too conservative against the Patriots.  Jerry obviously wants to have his cake, and eat it as well.  Pick one or the other, and I tend to lean towards the Lions loss being more Garrett's fault."), Philadelphia Eagles 27 (Jeff Ashby of the Buffalo Falls reports, "I'm sure the the Eagles big divisional victory over the Washington Redskins will be enough to take them off most people's ballots.  When I see this team, though, I still don't see a team capable of beating one that makes only half the mistakes Washington did, much less one that plays mistake free."), Seattle Seahawks 59 (Catherine McCovey of the Seattle Coffeetable opines, "Hard to believe the winner of the Seahawks versus Browns game this week will be .500, and likely out of the Flop 10.")

Number 10 - Kansas City Chiefs (2-3) 69 Jason LaPointe of the Boston Heraldry writes, "Hard to believe that after three weeks, this looked like the worst team in the NFL.  As others continue to perform even more poorly, the Chiefs may soon find themselves off most ballots."

Number 9 - Cleveland Browns (2-3) 97 Stacy Billingsly of the Lexington Post Position pens, "Harder for Browns fans to swallow than river water is the fact that Andy Dalton and A.J. Green have led the Cincinnati Bengals to a 4-2 mark."

Number 8 - Denver Broncos (1-4) 217 Dan Freeman of the Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Gazette says, "The ultimate insult to the Dolphins would be if Tim Tebow leads the Broncos to victory on 2008 Gator National Championship day ... in the home of 'The U.'"

Number 7 - Carolina Panthers (1-5) 223 Stan Ledger of the Charlotte Observatory chimes in, "It is amazing how much Cam Newton has masked the fact that, quite frankly, this Panthers team isn't very good.  One of those best of the worst scenarios."

Number 6 - Minnesota Vikings (1-5) 274 Jessica Addison of the St. Paul Twin Cities Daily Journal laments, "Donovan McNabb has forced Leslie Frazier's hand, and the Christian Ponder era has begun.  The only good thing you could say about the Vikings loss to the Chicago Bears was that this time they didn't have a halftime lead to blow."

Number 5 - Arizona Cardinals (1-4) 357 James Washington of the Baltimore Crabber states, "Not only has this team looked flat out bad, but they've managed to do it against the worst adjusted strength of schedule in the league.  It takes a truly pathetic team to lose against losers."

Number 4 - Jacksonville Jaguars (1-5) 486 (3) Wilma Burlington of the San Diego Onion proclaims, "When do you get excited about getting a player who wasn't good enough for the St. Louis Rams?  When you're the Jacksonville Jaguars, that's when.  Mike Sims-Walker at least knows the offense, which is a plus (I guess), but doesn't have a rapport with quarterback Blaine Gabbert.  Wait, that's not a minus, nobody does on that team."

Number 3 - Indianapolis Colts (0-6) 581 (20) Scott Johnston of the Tampa Post-Dispatch states, "At this point in the season, it is really becoming hard to tell which of the three abominations is truly the worst of the NFL.  I'm sure some will vote the Colts as the de facto since they are the only 0-6 team, but all that means is they haven't had their bye, yet."

Number 2 - Miami Dolphins (0-5) 585 (18) Amanda Passenkick of the Miami Beach Spotlight notes, "Speculation here is that if the Dolphins lose to the Broncos, it will be the final straw for coach Tony Sparano.  Hope he has his resume brushed up.  Even if the Dolphins win, it may be their only one, as this appears to be the easiest game on their remaining schedule."

Number 1 - St. Louis Rams (0-5) 594 (24) Roger Vinson of the Detroit Dollar Press-Union ponders, "I wonder if they make vitamins to help cure red-zone deficiency?  I've never seen a team come away with fewer points inside the opponents twenty that what the Rams pulled against the Green Bay Packers.  Josh McDaniels, eat your heart out pull your hair out."

D.P. Archives:
10/22/11 D.P. NFL Week 5 Flop 10 Poll (belated)
10/20/11 D.P. Announces End Of Production Strike
10/6/11 Predictions of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
10/4/11 D.P. NFL Week 4 Flop 10 Poll
10/01/11 The 2011 MLB Disassociated Team of the Year Award
9/27/11 D.P. Week 3 NFL Flop 10 Poll
9/27/11 "@JoeyCora, you're fired! #pinkslip"
9/26/11 Gopher Engineering Students To Fix Things Again

Posted on: October 22, 2011 8:48 pm
Edited on: November 6, 2011 9:20 am
 

D.P. NFL Week 5 Flop 10 Poll (belated)

(Results independently verified by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheetam, and Howe)

Now that the D.P. has settled some in house issues, we proudly bring you right before the Week 7 games are about to be played ... the results of our Week 5 Flop 10 Poll.  This week, we feature absolutely no new members of our exclusive club of suckiness, however, we do have major shuffling within the ten teams, including one who remarkably fell 7 spots not by beating the Patriots or some juggernaut, but a fellow Flop 10 member.  Anyway, without further adieu (especially since this is a week and a half late), the Week 5 edition of the NFL Flop 10.

*The Flop 10 is voted on by 65 D.P. writers, two from each NFL city plus one from Los Angeles, just because it's L.A.  Teams get 10 points for a first place vote down to 1 for a 10th.  And the team in first is the biggest Flop (first place votes in parenthesis, just like this text).

Also receiving votes: Tampa Bay Buccaneers 2 (Jerry Friedman of the Milwaukee Daily Brat poses, "How do you vote for a team that is 3-2 you ask?  By watching that team get blown out by 45 points after struggling against the Colts, that's how."), Cleveland Browns 18 (Mary Weatherby of the Cleveland Shady Dealer states, "The Browns fell on my ballot this week, but that was only because they didn't play."), Atlanta Falcons 45 (Nicholas Formation of the Rajun Cajun Gazette quips, "If this team loses to the Panthers next week, I expect to see them crack the overall Flop 10."), Carolina Panthers 80 (Samantha King of the Denver Mile High Snooze opines, "You have to give the Panthers credit.  They'd crack an NFL Top 10 Poll of interesting and exciting teams.  Eventually, though, they have to start translating some of these into W's.")

Number 10 - Kansas City Chiefs (2-3) 91
Nancy Holderman of the Green Bay Times proposes, "Two wins in a row has nearly washed away the stench of the Chiefs horrible start.  Nearly.  Unfortunately those three losses were so bad, they remain a Flop 10 team."

Number 9 - Minnesota Vikings (1-4) 143 Larry Masterson of the Washington (D.C.) Monumental Press decries, "Stop the presses!  The Vikings held on to a halftime lead.  Next thing you'll tell me is that Congress lowered the deficit."

Number 8 - Seattle Seahawks (2-3) 156 Morgan Wexler of the San Francisco Seismic Monitor wonders, "Hard to imagine a team with Tarvaris Jackson as a staring QB being capable of winning 40% of its games."

Number 7 - Denver Broncos (1-4) 180
Lisa Trombetti of the Chicago Moon Times writes, "John Fox had been avoiding Tim Tebow like the plague all season long, as though afflicted by Josh McDaniels Syndrome.  But now, Kyle Orton has forced his hand, and they now look silly not dealing him to the Dolphins this preseason when he had value."

Number 6 - Philadelphia Eagles (1-4) 294 Emily Hirschbeck of the Philadelphia Perspirer claims, "The nightmare season for the Dream Team continues, proving once again that fantasy football only works amongst 12 drunk friends."

Number 5 - Arizona Cardinals (1-4) 381 Eric Xavier of the Houston Cowboy ponders, "I guess the only difference between Derrick Anderson and Kevin Kolb is that Kolb doesn't laugh on the sidelines as he's being blown out."

Number 4 - Jacksonville Jaguars (1-4) 481 (1) Stanley Ulrich of the Pittsburgh Steel Miner reports, "One has to wonder how many more days or losses it will take Jack Del Rio to be sent down the river.  This team continues to play as though it's up ****-creek without a paddle."

Number 3 - Indianapolis Colts (0-5) 538 (14) Amanda Passenkick of the Miami Beach Spotlight laments, "I almost feel bad voting the Colts first, especially since they've shown life after Curtis Painter began starting, but if you look at the hard numbers, the fact is the Colts have lost by worse margins against worse opponents than the Dolphins."

Number 2 - Miami Dolphins (0-4) 545 (13) Terrance Cooper of the Atlanta Dirty South Press points out, "How bad is it for the Miami Dolphins?  By far the worse team remaining on their schedule is the Denver Broncos.  Could the Detroit Lions have company in the 0-16 club?"

Number 1 - St. Louis Rams (0-4) 621 (37) Johnathan Lumpkin of the Los Angeles Periodical says, "This team is so bad, they somehow managed to look horrible on their bye week."

D.P. Archives:
10/20/11 D.P. Announces End Of Production Strike
10/6/11 Predictions of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
10/4/11 D.P. NFL Week 4 Flop 10 Poll
10/01/11 The 2011 MLB Disassociated Team of the Year Award
9/27/11 D.P. Week 3 NFL Flop 10 Poll
9/27/11 "@JoeyCora, you're fired! #pinkslip"
9/26/11 Gopher Engineering Students To Fix Things Again





Posted on: October 4, 2011 10:22 pm
Edited on: November 6, 2011 9:10 am
 

D.P. NFL Week 4 Flop 10 Poll

(Results independently verified by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheetam, and Howe)

After an exciting week 4 of NFL action in which two NFC East teams blew 20 point leads, this week's Flop 10 poll features some shuffling, but not much checking in or checking out.  The only team leaving is the Cincinnati Bengals, and they are being replaced by the Arizona Cardinals.  So, without further ado, the unveiling of the NFL Week 4 Flop 10*

*The Flop 10 is voted on by 65 D.P. writers, two from each NFL city plus one from Los Angeles, just because it's L.A.  Teams get 10 points for a first place vote down to 1 for a 10th.  And the team in first is the biggest Flop (first place votes in parenthesis, just like this text).

Also receiving votes: Atlanta Falcons 1 (Rachel Montgomery of the Tacoma Mountain Press offers, "Sorry, but any team who nearly makes Tarvaris Jackson look like a hero maintains a Top 10 spot."), Carolina Panthers 11 (Scott Johnston of the Tampa Post-Dispatch chimes, "Have you ever seen a fan base more excited over a 1-3 team?  It looks like the wins should start coming, just don't know if it will be this year."), Cleveland Browns 26 (Thomas Hudson of the Cincinnati Inquisitioner opines, "I tried pulling the ol' appendicitis to get more money trick with my boss.  Like Peyton Hillis, all it got me was a reduced work load and tighter deadlines.")

Number 10 - Arizona Cardinals (1-3) 54 Shelly Kingston of the Glendale Republic writes, "Victor Cruz giving himself up was nothing compared to the Cardinals defense giving themselves up on the last drive of the game."

Number 9 - Philadelphia Eagles (1-3) 118 Henry Ebert of the San Jose Venus Flytrap states, "For blowing a 20 point lead against the San Francisco 49ers, the Philadelphia Eagles win the NFL first quarter most overhyped team award.  The way that defense is playing, Cream Team might have been a more apropos moniker for them."

Number 8 - Seattle Seahawks (1-3) 204 Catherine McCovey of the Seattle Coffeetable proclaims, "Scored nearly half of their season point total against the Falcons, which is more of an indicator of the Falcons defense than the capabilities of this team."

Number 7 - Denver Broncos (1-3) 245 Samantha King of the Denver Mile High Snooze reports, "Last week I gave the definition of insanity and applied it to some of coach John Fox's playcalling.  Now I will talk about patterns.  This week, when asked about using the Tim Tebow package in short yardage, Fox responded, 'That, and we did it once and we lost yardage.  That wasn’t all on him by any stretch, but it didn’t prove to be beneficial, so we went in a different direction.'  Um, coach, one time does not a pattern make.  However running 6 times and gaining 5 yards in a crucial drive against the Titans does a pattern make.  Kyle Orton's shaky play has done nothing to quell the Broncos faithful from calling for Tebow.  If Fox doesn't get things moving in the right direction, the next thing Broncos fans will call for, is the coach's head."

Number 6 - Jacksonville Jaguars (1-3) 326 Larry Ewing of the Jacksonville Gator Times wonders, "Cutting David Garrard right before the season started now appears to be the last act of a desperate man.  Jack Del Rio might soon find his saddle blazing, and the axe falling."

Number 5 - Indianapolis Colts (0-4) 422 Paul Robisky of the St. Petersburg Senior Ledger confesses, "Last week I claimed Curtis Painter would need to produce the Sistine Chapel for the Colts.  While his performance was not museum worthy, it wasn't refrigerator worthy either.  The Colts offense at least more closely resembled the Colts offense of old.  Still, take away two big plays by Pierre Garcon, and Painter had a rough go of it, especially in crunch time.  With the game on the line, Josh Freeman excelled and Curtis crumbled.  Next week's game against the Kansas City Chiefs might be their best shot at exiting the 'Suck for Luck' sweepstakes for a while."

Number 4 - Kansas City Chiefs (1-3) 425 Rob Stone of the Kansas City Constitution notes, "Take heart, Minnesota Vikings fans.  At least you didn't blow a halftime lead this time.  Baby steps.  Baby steps.  Still, this team does not resemble anything that could win another division title."

Number 3 - Miami Dolphins (0-4) 548 (14) Paul Kennedy of the Long Island Register says, "How does that song of theirs go?  'Miami Dolphins.  Miami Dolphins.  Miami Dolphins really suck?'  Owner Stephen Ross gave the dreaded vote of confidence to head coach Tony Sparano saying, 'He remains the right coach for this team.'  Yeah, if you're planning on throwing this year away to draft Andrew Luck to replace Chad Henne."

Number 2 - Minnesota Vikings (0-4) 591 (22) Jessica Addison of the St. Paul Twin Cities Daily Journal laments, "As the old adage in professional wrestling goes, in order to be the man, you have to beat the man.  Well, the Vikings are clearly the worst team in the NFL after outsucking the Kansas City Chiefs who were being outscored by an average of just over 27 points per game before getting their first 'W' of the season.  Coach Leslie Frazier needs to seriously Ponder if it's not the correct time to bench Donovan McNabb, or relieve Bill Musgrave of some of his responsibilities.  Even Mike Martz figured out the balance thing this week.  The Vikings still haven't in 4."

Number 1 - St. Louis Rams (0-4) 601 (29) Tim Danielson of the Denver Journal points out, "At least Broncos fans can take some small solace in seeing how much Josh McDaniels is setting Sam Bradford back."

D.P. Archives:
10/01/11 The 2011 MLB Disassociated Team of the Year Award
9/27/11 D.P. Week 3 NFL Flop 10 Poll
9/27/11 "@JoeyCora, you're fired! #pinkslip"
9/26/11 Gopher Engineering Students To Fix Things Again

Posted on: September 27, 2011 8:57 pm
Edited on: November 6, 2011 9:11 am
 

D.P. NFL Week 3 Flop 10 Poll

(Results independently verified by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheetam, and Howe)

So, here it is after week 3 of the NFL season, and while our more popular cousins give you the Top 25 in college football, we here at the D.P. realized the need for there to be a Poll for professional football.  Sure, most everything is decided on the field, but still there's that gray area of who really is better, the Green Bay Packers, or the Detroit Lions.  Well, you'll be getting none of that from us, as instead, we bring you those 10 teams who are the ones most capable of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.  And to the bottom two teams of this week's poll, I hear the ACC is still looking to expand.  So here they are, the NFL's Week 3 Flop 10*

*The Flop 10 is voted on by 65 D.P. writers, two from each NFL city plus one from Los Angeles, just because it's L.A.  Teams get 10 points for a first place vote down to 1 for a 10th.  And the team in first is the biggest Flop (first place votes in parenthesis, just like this text).

Also receiving votes: Carolina Panthers 6 (Jason Bolin of the Boston Hemisphere writes "This week the Panthers proved they could win dirty, by actually playing in that mudhole after the monsoon blew through), Atlanta Falcons 9 (Scott Johnston of the Tampa Post-Dispatch chimes, "Maybe Rich McKay can institute rules changes next year that will allow Matt Ryan to legally throw while his butt is in contact with the turf"), Chicago Bears 34 (Catherine McCovey of the Seattle Coffeetable opines, "I've seen better balance displayed by someone blowing a .10 on a D.U.I. stop than I've seen from the Bears offense this year.")

Number 10 - Denver Broncos (1-2) 65 Samantha King of the Denver Mile High Snooze reports, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.  Maybe somebody can explain that to John Fox who after being gifted the ball deep in Tennessee territory and a first down via an offsides penalty, executes 7 plays, one incompletion, and 6 Willis McGahee runs for 5 yards, the last of which was him being stuffed yet again on fourth and goal."

Number 9 - Philadelphia Eagles (1-2) 117 Dan Freeman of the Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Gazette chimes in, "Dream team, huh?  Yeah, I saw a lot of this during this past N.B.A. season, too."

Number 8 - Cincinnati Bengals (1-2) 186 Stacy Billingsly of the Lexington Post Position pens, "The Bengals in their last 2 games have converted third downs at a rip roaring 9.5% efficiency, causing many Bengals fans to convert which channel is appearing on their television screens."

Number 7 - Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2) 247 Johnathan Lumpkin of the Los Angeles Periodical states, "The good news for the Jaguars, they hired cloud seeders before the game and held Cam Newton to his first sub 400 yard passing game.  The bad news, it looks like Tim Leiweke paid off Jack Del Rio to shelve his own passing game this year."

Number 6 - Seattle Seahawks (1-2) 308 Clark Isner of the Duval County Register proclaims, "Despite defeating the Arizona Cardinals, by virtue of the Jaguars benching Luke McCown, the Seahawks sport the worst starting QB in the NFL.  Yet, remarkably, they remain on pace for their second straight NFC West title."

Number 5 - Indianapolis Colts (0-3) 403 Paul Robisky of the St. Petersburg Senior Ledger confesses, "The Colts come into Tampa Bay looking for Curtis Painter to produce the Sistine Chapel.  Unfortunately for Indianapolis fans, what he produces will more likely resemble a preschooler's finger drawing.  Still you have to admire the fact that on Sunday night they appeared to not want to be in the 'Suck for Luck' sweepstakes."

Number 4 - Minnesota Vikings (0-3) 462 Jennifer Hochuli of the New York Daily Post proclaims, "I haven't seen a disappearing act this good since I saw Criss Angel in Las Vegas.  And somebody's definitely mind-freaking the Vikings coaching staff, especially offensive coordinator Bill Musgrave."

Number 3 - Miami Dolphins (0-3) 510 (1) Hugh Nevins of the Indianapolis Reaction asserts, "If Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano doesn't figure out soon what is wrong with his team, he'll soon be experiencing the Tony Soprano sensation where his season gets cut off mid"

Number 2 - St. Louis Rams (0-3) 583 (3) Lisa Trombetti of the Chicago Moon Times points out, "Things have gotten so bad for the once proud NFL state, that today, Sen. Claire McCaskill (D) introduced a piece of legislation officially requesting the state officially be renamed 'Misery.'"

Number 1 - Kansas City Chiefs (0-3) 645 (61) Rob Stone of the Kansas City Constitution writes, "When can a defending NFL division champ have a moral victory?  When you are this year's version of the Kansas City Chiefs."

D.P. Archives:
9/27/11 "@JoeyCora, you're fired! #pinkslip"
9/26/11 Gopher Engineering Students To Fix Things Again

Posted on: September 26, 2011 6:47 pm
Edited on: September 27, 2011 12:09 am
 

Gopher Engineering Students To Fix Things Again

D.P. Wire Report 9/26/11 1:23p.m.

After being called upon to help look at what caused the December 2010 collapse of the Metrodome after heavy snowfall in the Minneapolis area, students of the University of Minnesota School of Engineering are now being brought in to help fix the collapse of the stadium's NFL tenants.  Back in December, Minnesota Engineering students were flabbergasted that the design of the roof not only encouraged the accumulation of snow rather than sloping it off the building, but also lacked heaters to help aid in the melting of said frozen precipitation.  When pointed out that the building was designed by Miami, Fl based Bob's Discount Dome Builders, 5th year senior Matthew Easterling said, "Well there you go.  I mean, don't they realize this is Minneapolis?  It's not like snow is a rare occurrence up here.  I can't believe they didn't design a way to stop snow from accumulating.  A 10 year old could figure that out.  This place was a time-bomb waiting to go off one winter."  "I'm so very proud of my students," engineering professor Boris Diedrich opined.  "After being able to solve the mystery of what led to the roof collapse, they are now able to tackle the equally perplexing problem of what is wrong with my beloved Vikings."  Asked by professor Diedrich to give their first thoughts as to what might be the problem, 72% of his students responded that Adrian Peterson's number of carries inexplicably drops by 50% in the second half.  This is despite having anywhere from a 10 to 20 point lead in each of their 3 contests so far this season.  When asked to explain the reduced second half workload of the Vikings workhorse, offensive coordinator Bill Musgrave offered, "You do realize that the NFL season is a marathon, not a sprint, correct?  We're just trying to rest A.P. so that way he's fresh come playoff time.  By limiting his workload now, he will be able to carry us through January.  Just watch as Ryan Grant and Jahvid Best are overexerted, and the Packers and Lions start falling back to the rest of the pack."  When pointed out by Jerry Paulson of the St. Paul Pioneer that it is a baseball season that is a marathon, and a football season is indeed a sprint, Musgrave retorted, "Are you sure?"  Or, as Viking's season ticket holder Randall Gibbons claims, "I think Musgrave's doing a great job as offensive coordinator.  Right now, there's not a team whose second half play is more repugnantly offensive than the Vikings."  Another issue pointed to by a majority of professor Diedrich's class is the location of Percy Harvin on nearly 50% of the offensive snaps, which happens to be the same location he's in for 100% of the defensive snaps.  As sophomore Emily Templeton wrote, "It's far easier for the other team to shut down your explosive playmakers when your own coaching staff is doing it for you."  This sentiment was echoed by head coach and defensive coordinator of the Vikings week 2 opponent, Raheem Morris of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  "Going into the Vikings game, the two people you have to gameplan for are Peterson and Harvin.  So I told Aqib Talib, our best cornerback, I want you to be on Harvin 100% of the time.  No matter where he lines up, you line up across from him.  Well, on our very first series, I see him fronting the Vikings sideline and call a timeout.  I'm like, 'Son, what are you doing.  If you play like that, it'll be 11 on 10.'  He retorted, 'Coach, you told me all week long to stick to Harvin like glue.  Even if he's in the backfield, he's my responsibility.  Well, he's over there next to (George) Stewart (Vikings Wide Receivers coach).'  After checking that indeed only Michael Jenkins and Bernard Berrian were on the field, I apologized to Aqib and said, okay, when Harvin's not in the game, find the guy that doesn't have anybody on him.  This allowed Talib to match up against guys with inferior speed and big play capabilities compared to Percy."  Of course, it should also be pointed out that 28% of professor Diedrich's class suggested not having halftime and 13% answered limit the games to 30 minutes.  When asked to the possibilities of these rule changes being introduced, ever, competition committee chairman Rich McKay of the Atlanta Falcons responded, "Between slim and none, and slim is one of none's orbiting electrons."  All the D.P. knows currently, is after being down 3 games in the divisional standings after playing a grand total of 3 games, head coach Leslie Frazier's seat is currently warm enough to ensure snow won't be gathering upon the covering over Mall of America Field this season.  Then again, keep up this stellar second half play, and Tim Leiweke will make sure the Vikings next home games will be in a place that sees little precipitation at all, much less snow.

Stay tuned tomorrow for the release of the D.P.'s Week 3 NFL Flop 10 Poll





 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com