Play Fantasy Use your Fantasy skills to win Cash Prizes. Join or start a league today. Play Now
 
Tag:Tim Leiweke
Posted on: September 27, 2011 8:57 pm
Edited on: November 6, 2011 9:11 am
 

D.P. NFL Week 3 Flop 10 Poll

(Results independently verified by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheetam, and Howe)

So, here it is after week 3 of the NFL season, and while our more popular cousins give you the Top 25 in college football, we here at the D.P. realized the need for there to be a Poll for professional football.  Sure, most everything is decided on the field, but still there's that gray area of who really is better, the Green Bay Packers, or the Detroit Lions.  Well, you'll be getting none of that from us, as instead, we bring you those 10 teams who are the ones most capable of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.  And to the bottom two teams of this week's poll, I hear the ACC is still looking to expand.  So here they are, the NFL's Week 3 Flop 10*

*The Flop 10 is voted on by 65 D.P. writers, two from each NFL city plus one from Los Angeles, just because it's L.A.  Teams get 10 points for a first place vote down to 1 for a 10th.  And the team in first is the biggest Flop (first place votes in parenthesis, just like this text).

Also receiving votes: Carolina Panthers 6 (Jason Bolin of the Boston Hemisphere writes "This week the Panthers proved they could win dirty, by actually playing in that mudhole after the monsoon blew through), Atlanta Falcons 9 (Scott Johnston of the Tampa Post-Dispatch chimes, "Maybe Rich McKay can institute rules changes next year that will allow Matt Ryan to legally throw while his butt is in contact with the turf"), Chicago Bears 34 (Catherine McCovey of the Seattle Coffeetable opines, "I've seen better balance displayed by someone blowing a .10 on a D.U.I. stop than I've seen from the Bears offense this year.")

Number 10 - Denver Broncos (1-2) 65 Samantha King of the Denver Mile High Snooze reports, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.  Maybe somebody can explain that to John Fox who after being gifted the ball deep in Tennessee territory and a first down via an offsides penalty, executes 7 plays, one incompletion, and 6 Willis McGahee runs for 5 yards, the last of which was him being stuffed yet again on fourth and goal."

Number 9 - Philadelphia Eagles (1-2) 117 Dan Freeman of the Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Gazette chimes in, "Dream team, huh?  Yeah, I saw a lot of this during this past N.B.A. season, too."

Number 8 - Cincinnati Bengals (1-2) 186 Stacy Billingsly of the Lexington Post Position pens, "The Bengals in their last 2 games have converted third downs at a rip roaring 9.5% efficiency, causing many Bengals fans to convert which channel is appearing on their television screens."

Number 7 - Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2) 247 Johnathan Lumpkin of the Los Angeles Periodical states, "The good news for the Jaguars, they hired cloud seeders before the game and held Cam Newton to his first sub 400 yard passing game.  The bad news, it looks like Tim Leiweke paid off Jack Del Rio to shelve his own passing game this year."

Number 6 - Seattle Seahawks (1-2) 308 Clark Isner of the Duval County Register proclaims, "Despite defeating the Arizona Cardinals, by virtue of the Jaguars benching Luke McCown, the Seahawks sport the worst starting QB in the NFL.  Yet, remarkably, they remain on pace for their second straight NFC West title."

Number 5 - Indianapolis Colts (0-3) 403 Paul Robisky of the St. Petersburg Senior Ledger confesses, "The Colts come into Tampa Bay looking for Curtis Painter to produce the Sistine Chapel.  Unfortunately for Indianapolis fans, what he produces will more likely resemble a preschooler's finger drawing.  Still you have to admire the fact that on Sunday night they appeared to not want to be in the 'Suck for Luck' sweepstakes."

Number 4 - Minnesota Vikings (0-3) 462 Jennifer Hochuli of the New York Daily Post proclaims, "I haven't seen a disappearing act this good since I saw Criss Angel in Las Vegas.  And somebody's definitely mind-freaking the Vikings coaching staff, especially offensive coordinator Bill Musgrave."

Number 3 - Miami Dolphins (0-3) 510 (1) Hugh Nevins of the Indianapolis Reaction asserts, "If Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano doesn't figure out soon what is wrong with his team, he'll soon be experiencing the Tony Soprano sensation where his season gets cut off mid"

Number 2 - St. Louis Rams (0-3) 583 (3) Lisa Trombetti of the Chicago Moon Times points out, "Things have gotten so bad for the once proud NFL state, that today, Sen. Claire McCaskill (D) introduced a piece of legislation officially requesting the state officially be renamed 'Misery.'"

Number 1 - Kansas City Chiefs (0-3) 645 (61) Rob Stone of the Kansas City Constitution writes, "When can a defending NFL division champ have a moral victory?  When you are this year's version of the Kansas City Chiefs."

D.P. Archives:
9/27/11 "@JoeyCora, you're fired! #pinkslip"
9/26/11 Gopher Engineering Students To Fix Things Again

Posted on: September 26, 2011 6:47 pm
Edited on: September 27, 2011 12:09 am
 

Gopher Engineering Students To Fix Things Again

D.P. Wire Report 9/26/11 1:23p.m.

After being called upon to help look at what caused the December 2010 collapse of the Metrodome after heavy snowfall in the Minneapolis area, students of the University of Minnesota School of Engineering are now being brought in to help fix the collapse of the stadium's NFL tenants.  Back in December, Minnesota Engineering students were flabbergasted that the design of the roof not only encouraged the accumulation of snow rather than sloping it off the building, but also lacked heaters to help aid in the melting of said frozen precipitation.  When pointed out that the building was designed by Miami, Fl based Bob's Discount Dome Builders, 5th year senior Matthew Easterling said, "Well there you go.  I mean, don't they realize this is Minneapolis?  It's not like snow is a rare occurrence up here.  I can't believe they didn't design a way to stop snow from accumulating.  A 10 year old could figure that out.  This place was a time-bomb waiting to go off one winter."  "I'm so very proud of my students," engineering professor Boris Diedrich opined.  "After being able to solve the mystery of what led to the roof collapse, they are now able to tackle the equally perplexing problem of what is wrong with my beloved Vikings."  Asked by professor Diedrich to give their first thoughts as to what might be the problem, 72% of his students responded that Adrian Peterson's number of carries inexplicably drops by 50% in the second half.  This is despite having anywhere from a 10 to 20 point lead in each of their 3 contests so far this season.  When asked to explain the reduced second half workload of the Vikings workhorse, offensive coordinator Bill Musgrave offered, "You do realize that the NFL season is a marathon, not a sprint, correct?  We're just trying to rest A.P. so that way he's fresh come playoff time.  By limiting his workload now, he will be able to carry us through January.  Just watch as Ryan Grant and Jahvid Best are overexerted, and the Packers and Lions start falling back to the rest of the pack."  When pointed out by Jerry Paulson of the St. Paul Pioneer that it is a baseball season that is a marathon, and a football season is indeed a sprint, Musgrave retorted, "Are you sure?"  Or, as Viking's season ticket holder Randall Gibbons claims, "I think Musgrave's doing a great job as offensive coordinator.  Right now, there's not a team whose second half play is more repugnantly offensive than the Vikings."  Another issue pointed to by a majority of professor Diedrich's class is the location of Percy Harvin on nearly 50% of the offensive snaps, which happens to be the same location he's in for 100% of the defensive snaps.  As sophomore Emily Templeton wrote, "It's far easier for the other team to shut down your explosive playmakers when your own coaching staff is doing it for you."  This sentiment was echoed by head coach and defensive coordinator of the Vikings week 2 opponent, Raheem Morris of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  "Going into the Vikings game, the two people you have to gameplan for are Peterson and Harvin.  So I told Aqib Talib, our best cornerback, I want you to be on Harvin 100% of the time.  No matter where he lines up, you line up across from him.  Well, on our very first series, I see him fronting the Vikings sideline and call a timeout.  I'm like, 'Son, what are you doing.  If you play like that, it'll be 11 on 10.'  He retorted, 'Coach, you told me all week long to stick to Harvin like glue.  Even if he's in the backfield, he's my responsibility.  Well, he's over there next to (George) Stewart (Vikings Wide Receivers coach).'  After checking that indeed only Michael Jenkins and Bernard Berrian were on the field, I apologized to Aqib and said, okay, when Harvin's not in the game, find the guy that doesn't have anybody on him.  This allowed Talib to match up against guys with inferior speed and big play capabilities compared to Percy."  Of course, it should also be pointed out that 28% of professor Diedrich's class suggested not having halftime and 13% answered limit the games to 30 minutes.  When asked to the possibilities of these rule changes being introduced, ever, competition committee chairman Rich McKay of the Atlanta Falcons responded, "Between slim and none, and slim is one of none's orbiting electrons."  All the D.P. knows currently, is after being down 3 games in the divisional standings after playing a grand total of 3 games, head coach Leslie Frazier's seat is currently warm enough to ensure snow won't be gathering upon the covering over Mall of America Field this season.  Then again, keep up this stellar second half play, and Tim Leiweke will make sure the Vikings next home games will be in a place that sees little precipitation at all, much less snow.

Stay tuned tomorrow for the release of the D.P.'s Week 3 NFL Flop 10 Poll





 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com