D.P. Wire Report 9/26/11 1:23p.m.
After being called upon to help look at what caused the December 2010 collapse of the Metrodome after heavy snowfall in the Minneapolis area, students of the University of Minnesota School of Engineering are now being brought in to help fix the collapse of the stadium's NFL tenants. Back in December, Minnesota Engineering students were flabbergasted that the design of the roof not only encouraged the accumulation of snow rather than sloping it off the building, but also lacked heaters to help aid in the melting of said frozen precipitation. When pointed out that the building was designed by Miami, Fl based Bob's Discount Dome Builders, 5th year senior Matthew Easterling said, "Well there you go. I mean, don't they realize this is Minneapolis? It's not like snow is a rare occurrence up here. I can't believe they didn't design a way to stop snow from accumulating. A 10 year old could figure that out. This place was a time-bomb waiting to go off one winter." "I'm so very proud of my students," engineering professor Boris Diedrich opined. "After being able to solve the mystery of what led to the roof collapse, they are now able to tackle the equally perplexing problem of what is wrong with my beloved Vikings." Asked by professor Diedrich to give their first thoughts as to what might be the problem, 72% of his students responded that Adrian Peterson's number of carries inexplicably drops by 50% in the second half. This is despite having anywhere from a 10 to 20 point lead in each of their 3 contests so far this season. When asked to explain the reduced second half workload of the Vikings workhorse, offensive coordinator Bill Musgrave offered, "You do realize that the NFL season is a marathon, not a sprint, correct? We're just trying to rest A.P. so that way he's fresh come playoff time. By limiting his workload now, he will be able to carry us through January. Just watch as Ryan Grant and Jahvid Best are overexerted, and the Packers and Lions start falling back to the rest of the pack." When pointed out by Jerry Paulson of the St. Paul Pioneer that it is a baseball season that is a marathon, and a football season is indeed a sprint, Musgrave retorted, "Are you sure?" Or, as Viking's season ticket holder Randall Gibbons claims, "I think Musgrave's doing a great job as offensive coordinator. Right now, there's not a team whose second half play is more repugnantly offensive than the Vikings." Another issue pointed to by a majority of professor Diedrich's class is the location of Percy Harvin on nearly 50% of the offensive snaps, which happens to be the same location he's in for 100% of the defensive snaps. As sophomore Emily Templeton wrote, "It's far easier for the other team to shut down your explosive playmakers when your own coaching staff is doing it for you." This sentiment was echoed by head coach and defensive coordinator of the Vikings week 2 opponent, Raheem Morris of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. "Going into the Vikings game, the two people you have to gameplan for are Peterson and Harvin. So I told Aqib Talib, our best cornerback, I want you to be on Harvin 100% of the time. No matter where he lines up, you line up across from him. Well, on our very first series, I see him fronting the Vikings sideline and call a timeout. I'm like, 'Son, what are you doing. If you play like that, it'll be 11 on 10.' He retorted, 'Coach, you told me all week long to stick to Harvin like glue. Even if he's in the backfield, he's my responsibility. Well, he's over there next to (George) Stewart (Vikings Wide Receivers coach).' After checking that indeed only Michael Jenkins and Bernard Berrian were on the field, I apologized to Aqib and said, okay, when Harvin's not in the game, find the guy that doesn't have anybody on him. This allowed Talib to match up against guys with inferior speed and big play capabilities compared to Percy." Of course, it should also be pointed out that 28% of professor Diedrich's class suggested not having halftime and 13% answered limit the games to 30 minutes. When asked to the possibilities of these rule changes being introduced, ever, competition committee chairman Rich McKay of the Atlanta Falcons responded, "Between slim and none, and slim is one of none's orbiting electrons." All the D.P. knows currently, is after being down 3 games in the divisional standings after playing a grand total of 3 games, head coach Leslie Frazier's seat is currently warm enough to ensure snow won't be gathering upon the covering over Mall of America Field this season. Then again, keep up this stellar second half play, and Tim Leiweke will make sure the Vikings next home games will be in a place that sees little precipitation at all, much less snow.
Stay tuned tomorrow for the release of the D.P.'s Week 3 NFL Flop 10 Poll