Dear Lil Sis,
I received your missive posted yesterday and am pleased you took the time to write. I compliment you, for your wit and humor are delightful. Too, the improvements in grammar and punctuation are worthy of note. Charm school obviously is having a wonderful effect on you. Do not get too cocky for there is room still for further improvement, particularly in the area of vocabulary. Some of the words you chose would “make a sailor blush.”
Yes, I know you use such language because of our sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalries are natural and normal. I find our use of the sobriquets of “little brother” and “kid sister” quite amusing. I hope you do too. Sibling rivalries do not have to be bitter or demeaning. After all, we are family and our schools are only 60 miles apart. Let us both pledge to continue to infuse the rivalry with humor and keep the maligning comments to a dull roar. Agreed?
Speaking of the rivalry, I and many others are so looking forward to the big game on the 25th. I think it a safe bet that you and your friends are too. Sadly, I will not be able to fly in for the game but you can be certain I will be watching.
I know you are a concerned and conscientious person so I feel comfortable in offering advice. Likewise I am certain you will use all the tact you can muster when passing on these points to your girlfriends on the team.
Ask the girls to not wear that perfume they like so much. Yes, running around does make one perspire, but they should remember it is an athletic event and perspiration happens. Besides, that scent makes them smell like skunk bears. Really.
One thing that really must be stopped is the “bitch slapping” of Spartans when they tackle. Yes, I know it musses your girlfriends’ hair, but tackling is part of the game. Perhaps your team mates should wait until after the game to do up their hair. Yes, the game is televised and your fastidious girlfriends do so want to look their best, but it is unbecoming to slap an opponent and the 15 yard penalties for unsportsmanlike conduct do not enhance the image of perfection your teammates work so diligently to create.
I noticed last year, some of your teammates were having tantrums, stomping their feet, wringing their hands and so forth, because their cute little uniforms got wrinkled. I know how persnickety you all are and how important image is to you and your girlfriends but football is a contact sport and uniforms will get mussed. Blood, sweat (yes, in football it is called sweat, not perspiration), dirt, grass stains, wrinkles, and even rips and tears will happen. You might do well to note that the Spartans seem unconcerned about grass stains on their white uniforms. Perhaps you and your girlfriends, if you put your minds to it, can achieve a comparable level of non chalance. Your school does launder the uniforms after each game, right?
Another thing I noticed was the number of times players left the field due to injuries. It will help if your girlfriends clip their fingernails before the game. Breaking a nail is not; repeat not, a valid injury. An added bonus of short nails is that the amount of blood will be reduced and this will help keep those cute little uniforms looking spiffy longer. (Shorter nails results in fewer lacerations of opponent player faces.)
Also, it was embarrassing each of the many times last year when one or another of your girlfriends cried over a bad play or when a penalty was called or when a Spartan made a good play. Please remind them that the game is televised nationally and it is not a pretty sight seeing a football player crying.
You will be pleased, I am sure, that the grass in Spartan Stadium has been completely restored. Your girlfriends need to wear rubber panties. That’s right. The number of times they peed out of fright caused significant damage to the grass. The “House that Yost built” also has a field of grass that is well kept through many hours of hard work by the grounds keeping staff. Kindly note that uric acid burns grass and that would be a shame given the lushness and greenness of the turf. Fortuitously, the yellow pants your team wears camouflages those stains well enough to preclude embarrassment.
I know it’s a lot to ask, but you and your girlfriends should remember to bring several boxes of tampons. No, silly, not for that! The rubber panties should be enough protection. Tampons are highly absorbent and in the event of a bloody injury, a tampon or two can be used to keep the blood off those cute little uniforms. Your school colors are maize and blue and the color scarlet does so clash.
That’s it for football. I do have a couple more things and I hate to be a nag, but you really must keep up your grades and stay out of trouble. If you do, some day you might get accepted to a real school. To that end, I suggest you find someone other than your coach to use as a role model. After the way he scammed your school out of 2.5 million dollars to offset his contract buyout obligation, he just does not seem a good choice.
On closing, let me wish you and your friends the best of luck this season. From what I have heard and what I have seen thus far, they will need all the luck they can get.
With all the love there is,