Posted on: January 28, 2010 4:49 pm
Edited on: January 28, 2010 4:55 pm

The Balls On This Guy!

Some guy is offering one of his testicles on Craigslist for Super Bowl tickets.  
High capacity, O negative, well traveled, well maintained, larger than average, only used for @ 22 years! (was in storage before that) 1 available! History of producing blond haired Caucasian males inclined towards joining the military. (1 army, 1 marine) (results may vary!) All sales are final!! Will complete transaction after the game! (and I'll need a ride to the airport and help on a plane!) Pictures/documentation available upon request. No perverts!!!!! Email for additional information!

Alright let's get this over with:

"No perverts? Boy this guy is really TESTE."
"You'd have to be NUTS to reply to this listing!"
"I give you Super Bowl tickets and all I get is this JUNK?"
"You sure you don't want to trade these tickets for some JEWELS instead?"

..... and ....

"Mr. Manning, Mr. Manning... could you autograph my BALL??"

Ok, moving on....

Posted on: January 28, 2010 3:42 pm
Edited on: January 28, 2010 5:45 pm

NFL Lawyers: No Who Dat For You!

Saints fans have run amok on the world what with their singlehandedly revitalizing the newspaper industry, taking over the city of Miami, and halting America's justice system on a whim. 

But there's one entity Saints fans apparently cannot overcome. That's right. NFL lawyers.

Per PFT, a Louisiana television station is reporting that the NFL has sent out cease and desist letters to businesses that sell merchandise that read 'Who Dat' on them.

"I really thought the 'Who Dat' was something that belonged to the people more than to the Saints or to the NFL or anything else," said one shop owner Josh Harvey.  NFL spokesman Dan Masonson disagrees: "Any unauthorized use of the Saints colors and other [marks] designed to create the illusion of an affiliation with the Saints is equally a violation of the Saints trademark rights because it allows a third party to 'free ride' by profiting from confusion of the team's fans, who want to show support for the Saints."
Stupid NFL. 

You can say that these business owners should just go to court and fight this thing using the impenetrable "Saintsmania" defense. It would be an open and shut case, you'd say. But keep in mind that because most of these business owners are Saints fans -- and recent evidence suggests they are an unstoppable force -- using the argument for their own personal means might very well rip a hole in the space-time continuum. Most scientists would flat out disagree with me on this. But we just can't take that risk!
Posted on: January 28, 2010 1:41 pm
Edited on: January 28, 2010 1:42 pm

Saints Fans Are Ruining the Judicial System

First they buy all the damn newspapers. Then, they book all the damn hotels. Now this! Will nothing contain Saints fans' mad furor??

Apparently, no. Not even the Law can contain it.

A trial that was set to begin on Monday has been postponed by District Court Judge Michael G. Bagneris because, and I quote, "Saintsmania has taken over the city of New Orleans."

The Court takes judicial notice that Saintsmania permeates the City of New Orleans. Many prospective jurors for the Parish of Orleans, several attorneys involved in this litigation and Court personnel plan on traveling to the promise land -- the Superbowl in Miami, Florida. The Court recognizes that this pilgrimage enhances the chances of Who Dat Nation to acquire the long sought after Holy Grail -- the Vince Lombardi trophy.
Holy buckets of poop, that's awesome!! Think about the legal precedence this just set. 

"Mr. Magilacutty, you stand accused by the state of lighting a potato sack filled with kittens on fire and then throwing in into the river. How do you plead?"

"If it pleases the court, my client would like to enter a plea of.... SAINTSMANIA."

"Whhaaa??? Saintsmania?? CASE!!! DISMISSED!!!"

(Gavel slams down; Jazz Funeral procession suddenly barges into court room playing "When The Saints Go Marching In"; Everyone dances; Fade out)

I can totally write for Law & Order: Dumbass Cases. Call me, NBC!

link via Deadspin
Posted on: January 28, 2010 12:50 pm

Carrie Underwood To Sing Anthem at Super Bowl

The AP is reporting that Country Music superstar Carrie Underwood will be singing the National Anthem at this year's Super Bowl.

Underwood joins other big names who have sung the national anthem at the game, includiing Beyonce, Billy Joel and Whitney Houston.
That's right. Carrie Underwood made it to the Super Bowl before ..... WAIT FOR IT .... Tony Romo did!

Oh snap! I bet Tony will cry when he reads how badly I just PWND him!
Category: NFL
Posted on: January 28, 2010 11:23 am
Edited on: January 28, 2010 11:48 am

Hypothetical Saints Injured Hypothetically

Hey injury report fans! The first Super Bowl injury report is out! Weeeee!!!

Four key Colts players appeared on the report after the team practiced yesterday:

Dwight Freeney (ankle), Jerraud Powers (foot), Antoine Bethea (back), Jacob Tamme (ankle)

The Saints, lazy asses that they are, did NOT practice yesterday. So what we have is a hypothetical Saints injury report.

So according to this report, 24 Saints WILL NOT PLAY IN THE SUPER BOWL!!!!!

Well, okay. Not really. However, one guy Saints fans need to keep an eye on is Jeremy Shockey and his bum knee. Shockey was in Birmingham on Tuesday. We know this because Shockey tweeted about it:

Damn just got back from b'ham... i missed our team diner... Gnight everyone..
Unless b'ham is a reference to some kind of stripper who wears pork flavored edible undies, one would have to assume b'ham is short for Birmingham where Dr. James Andrews is located. But thanks to Twitter and their 140 character limit, we may never know. Thanks a lot Twitter! Jerks.
Posted on: January 28, 2010 9:37 am
Edited on: January 28, 2010 9:45 am

Now's The Perfect Time to NOT Panic!!!!!!1!!!!!1!

Two weeks is a long time to wait for the biggest game of your life. Which is why this report from PFT should be of concern to Saints fans. 

According to their source, everybody at the Senior Bowl is talking about how Peyton Manning dismantled the impenetrable Jets defense no other quarterback anywhere ever besides Ryan Fitzpatrick, David Garrard, and Chad Henne was able to take down. And so people are now suggesting the Saints pretty much dump everything they've been doing to get them to this point and go into the Super Bowl with TWO game plans to counter all The Awesome:

...there's a theory in Mobile that the Saints should consider developing two separate game plans: One for the first half, and one of the second half. The concern, however, is that Saints players would interpret the unconventional approach as panic.
They could also interpret it as maybe over thinking it a bit and, oh yea, moronic.

The Saints finished the season ranked number one in points scored by a defense, third in interceptions with 26, recorded 35 sacks (two more than the Jets), and forced 15 fumbles, recovering 13 of them. Not to mention they have Master Kreese as their defensive coordinator.

Yes, Manning is pretty much the best quarterback on the planet right now. But the Saints D can handle their own. No need to take advice from bored coaches watching Tim Tebow botch snaps in Mobile and change things up too drastically.

Or they can just let the panic settle in and go the Lloyd Bridges route.
Posted on: January 27, 2010 5:08 pm
Edited on: January 27, 2010 5:13 pm

Kardashian Will Be Subtle During Super Bowl Week is reporting that Reggie Bush's galpal Kim Kardashian will be riding around in a Vault XXL2 Limousine by Armor Horse next week during the Super Bowl festivities. The Vault XXL2 seats twenty eight, sports seven TVs, two bars and has emergency escape hatches and bullet proof windows. It also features two emergency gun ports. 
Reggie Bush's favorite asset will be hitting the town on Super Bowl weekend in a Vault XXL2 Limousine by Armor Horse -- which is a tank/limo hybrid built with composite ballistic panels and bullet-resistant windows. 
You might be wondering why Kim would need to ride around in what amounts to a war machine super tank from the future. But keep in mind that Miami is filled with old people who drive Cadillacs and never go beyond 28 MPH. They also smell like canned peaches. So Kim has the right idea here. It's absolutely terrifying, man!
Posted on: January 27, 2010 3:19 pm
Edited on: January 27, 2010 3:27 pm

Gregg Williams Wants To Hurt Peyton Manning

Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams was on a Nashville radio program earlier today, and told the show that he wants his defense to blow up Peyton Manning.

“Here’s the deal. When you put too much of that type of worry on a warrior’s mind, he doesn’t play all out. If it happens, it happens. And the only thing you’d like for me to say is that if it happens you hope he doesn’t get back up and play again.”
We all remember how the Saints D nearly decapitated Brett Favre in the NFC Championship game last Sunday (and the Deanna Favre reaction shot after every hit). So we know they're more than capable of putting a hurting on any quarterback. So this could get serious. I would suggest Peyton Manning just play the entire Super Bowl with a fake mustache and speak in an Italian accent throughout the entire game when he does those audibles of his. "Tight-ah right-ah! Blue-forty eight-ah! I'mma gonna make-a spicy meat-a ball specially for you, eh!? Ah shattapa yo face!" 

The Saints players will never know the difference!
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