Tag:Machine
Posted on: October 22, 2010 9:43 am
 

Vujacic, Sharapova, and the Apocalypse

Sasha Vujacic gets engaged to Maria Sharapova, pulls world one-step closer to end of existence. Posted by Matt Moore

Internet, can we talk? Man-to-Information-Super-Highway? Here, sit down. I get that from time to time, you become pre-occupied with inane content of this world. Celebrity divorces. Balloon boys. Ke$ha. And that's cool! I like sports! And sports doesn't mean anything in this world, despite its quite considerable impact on our economy and way of life in this country. It's still just a meaningless distraction and in fact doesn't actually impact anything, not to mention the fact that most important events are replaced by new ones within a few months. I'm not here to judge.

But.

Sasha Vujacic is the No.1 trending topic on Google this morning. Maria Sharapova is No.3. All because they got engaged last night . That's how much power this story has. They're not even married. Just engaged.

Internet, what do you have to say for yourself? Honestly. It's not just that Vujacic isn't important, it's that he's massively irrelevant. The list of wing backup players that could do his job and do it better is long enough for me to write in Times New Roman single-spaced and still have a line break. His biggest talent is picking up meaningless, harmful fouls due to his penchant for attempting a full-court press in the NBA against top-flight point guards, then being shocked when they make him look like a chump. That's his calling card. Well, that and being"The Machine ."

Sharapova is actually the more relevant of the two of them, and she's ranked 18th in the world . So someone in sports who is not even top ten at the moment is the third most popular Google topic because she got engaged to someone who is somehow even more irrelevant in his profession. You made this happen, Internet. You. That's right, push away from the keyboard. Maybe go for a walk. Take some photos. Sing a song. I recommend "All-Star" by Smashmouth .

Whatever you do, do not use search engines. Because you have shown you cannot handle the responsibility. This isn't "Baby Birdman ." But it's close, world. I'm two seconds away from moving to a cabin in Colorado, stocking up on guns and canned food and forgetting you completely.

What? What do you mean this post was only written to cash in on that SEO power? What do you think I am, unscrupulous?

Okay, don't answer that.
 
 
 
 
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